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Thread: Should I tell him about physical appearance

  1. #1
    Bronze Member
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    Should I tell him about physical appearance

    Hello.........I am new to the forum and would really like some help with a situation concerning my boyfriend.
    I have been dating a wonderful individual now for 2 1/2 months. He is very loving and caring. He makes me very
    happy and well get along very well. The only problem I have with him is his appearance. No, I don't mean hygiene,
    or how he grooms himself, I am talking about his skin conditions. To give you some background, he has alot of melanin
    in his skin and played gold without using sunscreen and has developed large moles on his face, back and chest. He has had
    surgery recently as one was cancerous. He is a nice looking man, but for the moles, they really detract from his appearance.
    I think that is why he doesn't upload photos of himself on facebook.
    My question and this is where I need your help is, how to approach him about the moles and delicately share with him my concern
    for potentially more of them could become cancerous. I don't think I should tell him it would certainly improve his appearance, or should
    I say that?? That seems rather harsh. Personally I have had 10 removed because cancer runs in my family.
    Please advise me when and how to approach him about this....

    Thank you for listening.
    Sweet Sue

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sweet Sue
    surgery recently as one was cancerous.

    My question is, how to approach him about the moles and delicately share with him my concern
    for potentially more of them could become cancerous
    You don't have to mention anything at all. If he has recently had surgery to remove moles, then no doubt he is already under a doctor/specialist's care, who are obviously aware of his skin condition and have fully examined his body by now. If they have any concerns, or if your boyfriend has further concerns, it will be addressed by the current specialists/doctors.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member sara-pezzini's Avatar
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    If he had one turn cancerous then trust me he knows! It is not your place to tell him especially after only 2 and a half months and don't even think about telling him it would improve his appearance!!!! Accept him as he is or don't and leave him for a woman who would!
    If my new partner would tell me about something that might improve my appearance it would be my ex partner rather soon!
    If you can't get past it he is not the man for you

  4. #4
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    I agree with the above. If I were you I'd leave him and let him find someone who isn't so concerned with appearances. He deserves better.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If he's already told you that he's had a cancerous mole removed, what makes you believe that he needs you to tell him anything?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    so you mean you would volunteer the information that you find his skin a turn off packaged as concern for his health?

    his health is monitored, as others have pointed out. and your stated concern is that you find his appearance unattractive because of the moles. apparently, you also believe if one doesn't post their pictures on Facebook it must be because they dislike their own appearance and judge themselves by your standards. bottom line, his looks bother you and you have categorical rationalizations as to why he is unattractive with the moles.

    so. you don't get to share your concern over the fact that you're not attracted to his skin in hopes he changes his appearance to please you.

    you either like his appearance or you don't. you're bothered enough by it if you want him to do something about the moles.

    what do we do when a man comments he wants to trick his girlfriend into changing her appearance for him?

    just leave, the sooner the better.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    So basically you're hoping that by "warning" him some of his moles could be cancerous, he'll have them removed and you won't have to look at them.

    The dude's got moles. Deal with it or find a new guy. I don't look for ladies who have big ass gums and tell them they should get a gum contouring procedure. It's honestly a bit cruel.

    Best you can do is make sure you've both got sunscreen to put on when you two go out in the sun.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
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    this pi$$es me off so much.

    the "how do i make this person change something about them that disgusts me while making it appear i am a kind soul concerned about their health (as if they need my nursing)"

    like the other day. i have an eating disorder so my husband's twix bars give me a breakdown, how do i get him to eat grass while coming off as if i don't want him to die of cancer.

    the moles disgust me, if i could just have all the qualities of this guy but with someone else's skin that'd serve me perfectly so how do i get him to change his skin and not come off as self-serving but instead like i don't want him to die of cancer.

    men didn't fall of the turnip truck yesterday ladies.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    After 10 weeks of dating what you see is what you get. If you are not attracted, don't string him along. Let him decide if he wants to see a dermatologist about it or not. Do not project your issues onto him.
    Originally Posted by Sweet Sue
    I have been dating a wonderful individual now for 2 1/2 months.The only problem I have with him is his appearance. He is a nice looking man, but for the moles, they really detract from his appearance. I have had 10 removed because cancer runs in my family.

  11. #10
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    So, let me ask you a question j.man.......you meet a nice girl. She is beautiful, in good shape, has a good sense of humor, great personality and you have awesome chemistry. You can't find anything about her you don't like, except.....when she smiles......her teeth are crooked in every direction and yellow. So much so that you almost gasp when you see her teeth. What are you going to do?
    You look like a handsome guy to me and you seem to take care of yourself, so seriously, would you sit back and never say anything and except her" with all her ugly crooked yellow teeth?"
    Don't get me wrong, we all have our little imperfections. I personally don't have nice white teeth. In fact, my teeth are yellow- from taking an antibiotic at three which stained my permanent teeth, and I am self concious about it too. In the past, two of my boyfriends brought it up and asked me about it and would I consider having dental work. I didn't drop them, because I know they meant well. I am really into this guy and I don't want to look for someone else.

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