Conflict Over Boyfriend's Kids: Am I Being Too Needy?

So I recently got together with a friend who I've known for over a year and moved in after 3 months of 'visiting'. Bit of background, I'm soon to be 24 and this is my first relationship. He's 33 and has 2 girls (7 and 10) from his previous relationship who I had never met until we were together. We have the girls every other weekend.

The problem is we haven't spoken about our boundaries yet, especially when it comes to the girls. Before I started staying with him, the girls had him for 2-3 days all to themselves as he lived alone. They would sleep with him in his bed and that worked for them.

However, that changed when I began staying with him. It seemed to work with him putting them to bed, and then us having some time to ourselves. Night before last, as I am in bed waiting to go to sleep, he tells me he wants to sleep with the kids. I was basically given the option to sleep in our bed and make them sleep on the futon which is bad for his back and frankly needs a good cleaning, or sleep there myself.

Being put on the spot and having social anxiety, I bailed and chose the futon. This really upset me for a number of reasons. 1) His kids are too old in my opinion to still be co-sleeping and this is the only time I get to be alone with him and be open about my affection. 2) I felt unwanted and thoroughly sidelined because his eldest constantly cries about not having enough time with him, despite sleeping arrangements being the only big change in their routine. 3) He won't tell them that I'm now living with him permanently and it seriously hurts me whenever I overhear one of them asking when I'm leaving.

I got to get our bed back in the morning, where I stayed for a solid 12hrs rotating between crying bitterly and having disrupted sleep. All in all, I was crying on and off for nearly 24hrs. He made me talk to him about it, even though I strictly said I didnt want to. I ended up sobbing loudly despite my best efforts. I find crying in front of anybody to be extremely uncomfortable and humiliating, yet alone children.

As of now, I am once again in our bed alone after spending a horrible night on the futon, with a massive stress headache and no intentions of leaving the room until he takes them home. I won't get to talk to him until tomorrow afternoon as he works nightshift and I'm just feeling worse and worse about the whole thing.

Am I being too needy and insensitive towards his kids' needs? I feel like I'm the one doing most of the compromising here. I change my behavior because being affectionate makes his eldest uncomfortable, I'm constantly left to clean up after them dishes/floor-wise, I cannot even sleep with him now and I just generally feel like an unwanted inconvenience.

With kids involved you are moving way too fast. The problem here is you should have had more time (much more) to build a relationship with them before moving in. He is not ready and neither are they. After having a relationship with them you could have all sat down and talked about how you were going to live there, how things would change and how daddy would still be daddy and take time for just the three of them. Without having kids of your own it is, I'm sure, much more difficult to wrap your head around. We waited over 18 months to talk about moving in together and didn't do it for another 6 months after. My kids are still struggling and want me to themselves. If I were you I'd move out if you really want this to work and give it some more time

^^ agreed 1000x over.

His kids will win every battle. The end. Stop being so dramatic with your 24 hours of crying.

Keep up the 24 hour crying drama and refusing to speak to him and you'll force him to choose between his kids and you.

Guess who he'll choose?

I see a whole pile of problems. First off you are a big sister to those girls, given your ages. Second, he should NOT be sleeping with two girls ages 7 and 10! I can just imagine the Children's Aid being all over that one. Such a bad idea as the older one is approaching puberty. I'm not suggesting he's doing anything to them, but holy molly that's so wrong and completely inappropriate. They need their own beds and not in his bedroom. Third you will never be an equal in this equation as he and the girls are family. You are the girlfriend. Fourth, you moved in WAY too fast. Fifth, his reluctance or inability to explain the living situation to his girls is whacked. They need to know what the truth is.

You are in over your head and your incessant crying makes you look like a child yourself. At your age you should not be playing any form of a mother to girls ages 7 and 10. I dont see any way this is going to work out positively.

You for real cried for 24 hours? Come on now. Last time I did that, I was 6 years old and they took Dragon Ball Z off the air.

Thanks for the quick feedback, guys. I had thought to suggest that we split the days into 3s. Spend the mornings together, all 4 of us so I can build a relationship with the girls. Afternoons, BF and kids get to themselves because I wholeheartedly believe they need time alone together. And then evenings I would have my time with him. Alternatively, I could stay with my parents for the weekends they are here, but this is the only chance I get to see them. I had asked if he felt it was alright for me to move in and he gave consent. @mustlovedogs thank you for response, even though I did not find it helpful. As I mentioned, I suffer from an anxiety disorder and if I could choose not to be so sensitive as to cry for 24hrs ON AND OFF, I would.

You shouldn't be this upset though. It's something you should work on. When you say evenings, do you mean 6 pm on? Or 9 pm on? He can't disappear on his kids, at least not until they are in bed.

I consider 10-11 PM onwards as evenings, as that's when the kids go to bed. Please forgive me if I miss messages, I'm on my phone and am quite slow at typing on it, so I might not see posts when I'm replying. @boltnrun It's not that I'm refusing to talk to him, it's that I don't want to have a talk about this stuff when the girls are around. I don't want them to feel in any way that they are at fault. I'm not perfect, and I'm trying my best given the circumstances.

Sorry, but YOU, the GIRLFRIEND, should not get to dictate the children's schedule with their dad on the weekends they get to see them. I can't imagine he'd agree to that.

It doesn't matter what you think of their sleeping arrangements or how much time he spends with his kids. Unfortunately, you chose to move in way too quickly with a man who has kids. Seems like you had no idea what you were getting into. And if you had no idea, moving in should have waited until you did.

Yes, I am very much aware that I am his girlfriend. I have no intentions of demanding he do anything concerning his kids. It is a suggestion, not a demand. You seem to think I'm trying to what? Force him to choose between me and his kids? I'd sooner leave and not make him choose than it come to that. You are making a lot of assumptions and I feel you are being hostile. I came here for advice. If you don't like how I'm hangling things, state it and move on. Antagonising me isn't helping anybody.

Why did you move in with him?

How long has he been split up from their mother?

With kids involved you are moving way too fast. The problem here is you should have had more time (much more) to build a relationship with them before moving in. He is not ready and neither are they. After having a relationship with them you could have all sat down and talked about how you were going to live there, how things would change and how daddy would still be daddy and take time for just the three of them. Without having kids of your own it is, I'm sure, much more difficult to wrap your head around. If I were you I'd move out if you really want this to work and give it some more time

I totally agree with this entire post so it is worth repeating. And my vote goes to YES, you ARE being way too needy and clingy. To be honest, you sound way too young (23) and dare I say, a little immature to be taking on a mothering role for these girls. You're more like a big sister (imo). I think you're in way over your head in this relationship.

I moved in because of several reasons, but mostly because it felt right. I'd met the kids, we seemed to get on fine and everything was great. This has been our first real problem. He has been split from their mum for 2 years give or take. I'm not sure exactly.

@Capricorn I'm not trying to be a mother to them. They have a mother, and it's way too early to be considered a step-parent. For now, I'm happy to just be their dad's girlfriend. If I develop a deeper relationship with them later on, great! But I'm happy just to be daddy's girlfriend for the time being.

Yes, I am very much aware that I am his girlfriend. I have no intentions of demanding he do anything concerning his kids. It is a suggestion, not a demand. You seem to think I'm trying to what? Force him to choose between me and his kids? I'd sooner leave and not make him choose than it come to that. You are making a lot of assumptions and I feel you are being hostile. I came here for advice. If you don't like how I'm hangling things, state it and move on. Antagonising me isn't helping anybody.

Nobody is being "hostile" towards you. You came asking questions, now your getting answers you don't like. Deal. Yes you are making him choose between you and his kids, 1) by saying the only time you can show your affection and how you really feel is when y'all are in bed. He has his kids every other weekend right? You just have to show it those few nights? What about every other night the kids ain't there. 2) laying in bed crying for 24 hours? Yea that's trying to guilt trip him.

I moved in because of several reasons, but mostly because it felt right. I'd met the kids, we seemed to get on fine and everything was great. This has been our first real problem. He has been split from their mum for 2 years give or take. I'm not sure exactly.

 

@Capricorn I'm not trying to be a mother to them. They have a mother, and it's way too early to be considered a step-parent. For now, I'm happy to just be their dad's girlfriend. If I develop a deeper relationship with them later on, great! But I'm happy just to be daddy's girlfriend for the time being.

One more thing, when you moved in, you assumed the roll of Step Mom like it or not. Now you have one of two options. 1) grow up, own the roll of step mom bc you knew he came as a package deal or 2) move out, there's no in between

I'm sorry, but I'm not. I'm sorry if you got that impression. The reason I can only show affection in bed is because we've agreed it's best not to dump it all on the kids at once. The only time alone I get is at night, in bed usually. And I didn't lay in bed, flaunting the fact I was crying. I was in bed to hide the fact that I was crying. I'm very painfully aware of how pathetic it must seem for a 23 year old to cry over something that seems so petty . You do not know me, you do not know the wider context and now you are accusing me of guilt tripping him, which I haven't. I know how manipulation and emotional abuse works, I've been in situations where I was subject to them. Once again, I came for advice, not to be antagonised.

Edit: Why do I absolutely 100% have to be step-mum? Pretty sure there other ways I can relate to them other than that. If they lived with him, it'd be different. There is nothing wrong with me not being step-mum straight off the bat when I move in. I'm their dad's partner. I may not always be, but I am now. I do not have to be a mother figure to them to have a positive, meaningful relationship with them or their dad.

Frankly, I think that your boyfriend set up this problem when he first began to allow the children to sleep with him. That is just so inappropriate. However, since he allowed it, the children have come to expect it. I think that he needs to have a talk with the children explaining that that sleeping arrangement is something that could be looked upon as being an issue, and that it needed to end for fear of consequences that could come from it.

I was a single parent at one time. I allowed my 2 year old daughter to sleep with me for a time, but one day it dawned on me, "What if I get a boyfriend?" I would this ever work? I put a stop to it. and of course, she threw a fit. However, she survived and learned to accept that she was sleeping in her own bed.

I am disturbed that your boyfriend does not seem to realize that this sleeping arrangement is not acceptable and he could have to answer to authorities for doing it.

chi

Kids first. Always. No exceptions.

When a parent takes on a roommate/lover/partner, the child worries about being replaced, rejected, forgotten about. Parents seemed like a permanent fixture. "They love each other. Now, one is gone. Can that happen to me next?" It's quite logical.

There are boundaries that can be drawn and skills taught, but first things first. Your job is to love and nurture those kids with every thought you have. Not to the exclusion of others, but in addition to others. They didn't choose the ish show of their parents'lives and now they shuttle back and forth, randoms are moving in. Total chaos for a young mind. Your only benefit is if you will love them. If you don't, you are only one more barrier between them, dad, and dads time.

I think that it is bizarre that he sleeps with these girls, considering their age. Inappropriate! You should think this is strange, too.

You moved in way too fast!

These crying bouts are ridiculous! You are too young and immature to deal with this!

@anxiouscrow, do you really see yourself being happy if you continue to stay in this relationship? I think you really need to think about your happiness now before it is too late.

AnxiousCrow,

When you date someone with kids, full or partial custody, you have to deal with the kids too. Yes, I think it's inappropriate that they are still cosleeping at that age regularly. However, he clearly has no desire to change this so you're SOL in that regard.

I think if you really value quality time with your partner that is uninterrupted and you're not being forced out of bed, you need to be with someone who hasn't had kids.

For the record, I don't date any men with kids unless the man is much older and the kids are 30+ and live far the hell away.

Wow this is way too much, too soon, too fast. Why did you move in after 3 mos of dating? You do not decide what he does with his children, he and the mother decide that. You need to move back to wherever you were before.

Maybe he thinks of you as a temporary guest and that's why he doesn't bother telling them. It's their home, not yours. Your hysteria and crying is a disruption. His children are not an "inconvenience", you are. It's understandable that his children resent you and the scenes you are causing.

You are not happy. Move out.

moved in after 3 months. I'm soon to be 24. He's 33 and has 2 girls. I am in bed waiting to go to sleep, he tells me he wants to sleep with the kids. I bailed and chose the futon. He won't tell them that I'm now living with him permanently and it seriously hurts me whenever I overhear one of them asking when I'm leaving. I was crying on and off for nearly 24hrs. I am once again in our bed alone after spending a horrible night on the futon, with a massive stress headache and no intentions of leaving the room until he takes them home.

I moved in because of several reasons, but mostly because it felt right. I'd met the kids, we seemed to get on fine and everything was great. This has been our first real problem. He has been split from their mum for 2 years give or take. I'm not sure exactly.

 

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I ask because...it seems like moving in was too soon...for your relationship and for the kids.

I was a single mom...and my daughter didn't meet bfs until several months in. I didn't want her to remember a revolving door of men. I wanted to protect her...but I also wanted to develop a strong foundation with the men I was dating before introducing them...I wanted to make sure I knew them really well...because not everyone is cut out to be a step parent.

I know in early dating you're not the step parent...but when a person has young children, often they're looking for stability in dating relationships- looking for long term prospects...they're screening potential partners not just on compatibility as a couple, but compatibility as a family. Every man I dated was auditioning for a role he had no idea he being potentially cast in- my daughters step father.

It takes a special person to be a step parent...someone that's incredibly unselfish...someone willing to love uninhibitedly a child that's not biologically their own. Someone who is able to put the needs of the child above their own...essentially to act as a parent would. It's not easy. And dating a single parent is full of sacrifices, and so much more difficult than dating someone childless.

I really urge you to think through this relationship...and decide if you're ready to become a parent- to sacrifice for the well-being of these children. And I really urge you to move out. If living together has to be a secret, it's not right. And right now, it's just too soon to be living together...too hard on his kids (whether he's able to see that or not). Take a step back. Go slower. Let it evolve over time instead of rushing in full speed. If it's meant to be, it will be better for the space.

I'd say goodbye to this guy. For non judgemental responses from ppl who will understand where you are coming from, go post this on steptalk.org. Leave this guy to sleep with his tweens. Good luck to him.