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Thread: "I need to find myself"

  1. #1
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    "I need to find myself"

    My gf and I nearly hit 7 years of dating. Been together since high school never really fought we had a great relationship and loved each other to death. As our anniversary got closer hints started going down hill she started showing less interest in me. Then the day came when she said we're done I need to find myself and I can't love someone else if I don't love myself. It's been two months now we ran into each other twice and I asked her to talk once witch went really well. I asked her again about a week later because I moved closer to home to be with her more often and so it's easier to see each other. But I think that made things worse. I've spoke to people about not one person is saying she won't be back but I just can't tell. She's got her vday gift in her room still and a framed picture of us at prom still in her room.
    We ran into each other at a party last night and we kept making eye contact and at one point we both stared at each other for probably 20 seconds. Then I left it at that found out there was a rumor I tried getting with another girl that was there one day so I went up to her and said that it wasn't true but she didn't seem to care regardless. She implied that her head is just in such a knot.

    She loves her friends goes out very often and drinks I believe this is one of the reasons why I lost her she's 23 going on 24 in 3 months and I'm 25 her parents are both on my side along with her family and friends no one understands what's going on and she's not talking
    One thing she told me was she loves her parents love story. They also were together since prom then her dad one day came home from work and said I'm going to Alaska idk when I will be back. Disappeared for 6 months and came back to her mother. Her mom recently said that my ex is trying to mock her parents. Her mom kept telling her that she can't do that and compare herself to us. I told her that we have the same love story as them I don't understand. I want her back I just don't know if she will be
    I asked her if she wants to experience someone else or hook up with someone the day she broke up with me because neither of us experienced anyone else in 7 years lost out virginity to each other she said she really just needs to find herself

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  2. #2
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    It is entirely possible she just isn't ready to commit long term without experimenting first. Don't take it personally, it's just something she needs to do in order to "find herself" as she put it. Perhaps talk about it with her if you want but give her the freedom she needs, maybe even experiment yourself if you think you'll be ok.

    There is a phrase, I can't remember the exact words but it goes something along the lines of "If you love someone and hold them tight, no matter how hard you try they will drift away from you. But if you let them go, those who love you will always come back."

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    I like the quote. She needs to miss me I know she said she doesn't miss me and she doesn't love me. I saw her mom the other day and her mother told her to tell me those things to help me live my life for now.
    Why would she be watching me at this party? She said hi to me and had a short and sweet conversation initiated by her. We both laughed and that was it. I ignored her most of the night until this rumor came about.
    But why would she be watching me? I didn't say bye to her so maybe that got her thinking a little bit too

  4. #4
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    It's not so much that she needs to miss you, she needs to be in other relationships, feel what being with other people is like. If the two of you are truly right for each-other she'll recognize that and come back to you, just understand that it may take some time.

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  6. #5
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    Yeah. Maybe she won't be able to find anyone worth dating either. It's just funny she never put out for me all these years. I can count on my hands how many times she initiated sex or hooking up. She really enjoyed out sex life said she was very satisfied and this has nothing to do with that at all. But how will she be able to do that with someone else if she couldn't with me?

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by GNUsn0wb0ards9
    Yeah. Maybe she won't be able to find anyone worth dating either. It's just funny she never put out for me all these years. I can count on my hands how many times she initiated sex or hooking up. She really enjoyed out sex life said she was very satisfied and this has nothing to do with that at all. But how will she be able to do that with someone else if she couldn't with me?
    That's not a question you should even be mulling over. The answer won't bring you any sense of comfort.

    You were both very young and stayed together a long time. Most people don't stay with their first loves these days. So while her parents' love story is nice, it's not the norm anymore. They're a different generation and grew up with a different mindset.

    I agree with the above poster that she's ready to spread her wings and see what else is out there. The simple truth is that many young people outgrow their highschool relationships and are eager to explore. They don't want the same things they did as teens, and the relationship doesn't survive the transition to adulthood. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It just means she's grown up and you've drifted apart. She isn't ready to commit to only you for the rest of her life.

    As for looking at you at the party, well, she was with you a long time. It's probably still not easy to see you as an ex-boyfriend. Seeing an ex out and about can be awkward and emotional, even when breaking up was the right thing to do. Try not to read too much into that.

    Your best bet is not discuss this anymore with her family. I have no doubt they sympathize with you, but in the end, their support will be directed to their daughter. And in any case, it's not about them or anyone else being "on your side" or "on her side." That's an unfair polarization, and it suggests she has done something wrong. She hasn't. In fact, she did quite the opposite - it was the mature and respectful choice to end it if she was no longer interested in the relationship. I know it hurts, but she is doing what many, many have done before her, which is growing into adulthood, figuring out who she is and freeing herself of commitments she's not invested in.

    Work on your own healing. Move forward under the assumption that this chapter is now closed, because hanging on won't help. It's not impossible that she will return someday, but it's best not to operate under that hope. You can begin the healing process by keeping No Contact, and rediscovering yourself in the context of a single young man.

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    She keeps liking stupid things on Instagram like in regards to having an ex and focusing on yourself, care for your friends, and she's liking relationship quotes. Do I ignore this? Is she trying to send a message or just likes the quote?

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    Originally Posted by GNUsn0wb0ards9
    She keeps liking stupid things on Instagram like in regards to having an ex and focusing on yourself, care for your friends, and she's liking relationship quotes. Do I ignore this? Is she trying to send a message or just likes the quote?
    Yes, ignore it all. She has told you in a very gentle way that she wants space from you. If you like, comment, stalk, search for or even know what she is doing socially or on social media, you are going to only justify her reasons for wanting to 'find herself'. The only thing I can add to Miss Canuck's post is that you just have to leave her alone. I know that you are hurting, I know you have many questions and you are trying to reason and search for answers and you are probably negotiating with yourself. So Im going to say this as gentile as I can. It is over.

    The hardest part for you is to realize that she might have to go out and date other guys and have sex with them too. It might take a few guys and you must face the fact that she might not ever come back to you. Sorry to say but its true. You will have to forge foward without her in your life.

  10. #9
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    I can't let go. I removed her on everything and before I did she posted a quote "I had to run away in order to know what it meant to stay" she's not seeing anyone I am very confident in that. We ran into each other every weekend in April and we both said hi and that was it I didn't chase after her or try making conversation just acknowledged she was there. I want answers from her. 7 years to break up with me to "find myself"? Am I wrong or is that a pretty lame way to end a relationship?

  11. #10
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    Sorry for the double post. But Is it also wrong to talk to a mutual party as in someone that's friends with both of us? I can trust her to not tell my ex everything I'm sure a couple minor things will float out here and there but it's normal for me to talk right? I have to get it out....

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