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Thread: Not sure what to do anymore...I care about her.

  1. #1
    Hawkman85
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    Not sure what to do anymore...I care about her.

    ill just start from the beginning.... I'm 30 years old...
    I met a girl (at the time 22 and will be 24 this year) who had a boyfriend (who is 28 ) and the relationship was pretty tioxic. At the time I met her they had been together around 3 months and he had already pushed her on a couple of occasions and routinely belittled her with name calling. After which is profusely apologize and say he didn't remember doing it and that he loved her...

    Her and I started talking a lot and within a month started having sex and sleeping together with out him knowing. At the time she lived with her parents so it was easy to do it. After about 5-6 of us spending more and more time together we started talking about dating. She had never really broke up with the guy, but they had the kind of relationship where they would break up and get back together multiple time in a month. The abuse continue to happen. Most of the time it was verbal or mental. But if he got drunk...or even a bit tippsy he would have no problem being physically abusive with her. But bc I was still a secret she never wanted me to deal with him. She said she would.

    Right around Christmas he got his first DUI and lost his license was charged car impounded. The normal stuff that goes with a DUI. He came running to her and said now more then ever he need her or he'd kill him self that he loved her and was sorry. Said he never drink again. She came to me and said I need to be with him. He loves me and needs me. Within 2-4 week he was getting drunk and being the normal scumbag he always was. I told her that would happen. He wasn't changing.

    So her and I talked again and we agreed that after the new year we'd both talk to him and tell him it's over. She was scared of him at this point. So the weekend that this was supposed to happen she texted me and said "I'm sorry I can't he needs me. He's nice to me. He loves me"

    I was obviously upset but I also had a feeling that would happen so I was a bit mentally prepared. Her relationship continue about the same as normal. He'd get drunk call her names tell her he hates, that he's never loved her maybe he'd push her...he'd flirt with other girls at the bar. And she'd call me wondering what to do. But the next morning she was always over there to rub his back and make him feel better. Saying he didn't mean all that stuff. He doesn't remember. He loves me.

    Over this most recent st.patty day weekend he and a friend went out. She wasn't invited...I told her to come to my place she wouldn't though. She ended up going out and found her boyfriend drunk as hell again. He proceeded to sucker puch someone minding their own business at the bar and the bouncers kicked him out soon after, and he received a life time ban from the bar. He punch a parking meter damaged his hand. She asked him to go to emerg. He Told her to leave him alone that he hates her doesn't love her so on and so on. She went home crying and upset. Later that night him and the friend showed up at her place saying they wanted a 3some with her. The friend is also male...she said no, the boyfriend held her down saying it would feel good when the friend went down on her. Lucky her roommate came home and the 2 guys got off and acted like nothing was going on...she slept in the roommates room that night. The next day him and the friend were drunk again and went driving at 1pm in the afternoon. She called me asking what to do. I hung up and called 911. He was caught soon after. Charged with another DUI. License has been suspended. He has been to court yet so not sure the total amount of charges.

    After all that he looked at her says he doesn't remember a thing and he loves, he needs her more then ever, promise to never drink again...same story. It's been about a month she drives him everywhere bc he lost his job and has a ton of legal fees she pays for most everything. In that month though she says he hasn't drank or called her names or abused her. I think he's just using her and it'll be a matter of time...

    Has he changed? Do you think he's being genuine or using her? Is there anything I can do or should do?

  2. #2
    Wiseman2
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    Does she still live with her parents or did she move in with this jerk? Abuse is complicated and you never under any circumstances confront him and reveal that you were banging her. She will get seriously he beat up by him or killed and he may come after you.

    Be smart and read up on abusive relationships . Direct her to those sites. Tell her to tell her parents and friends whats going on. Stay away and stay out of this...For Her Sake. .

    Move on go no contact and delete and block her. If he is as abusive as she claims finding out she cheated with you is very dangerous for her.
    Quote Originally Posted by Hawkman85 [Register to see the link]
    She had never really broke up with the guy, but they had the kind of relationship where they would break up and get back together multiple time in a month.we agreed that after the new year we'd both talk to him and tell him it's over. She was scared of him at this point. So the weekend that this was supposed to happen she texted me and said "I'm sorry I can't he needs me. He's nice to me. He loves me"

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    Wolfboy702
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    It's a standard case of abuse I'm afraid. The guy needs someone to abuse as an outlet for his own failures/frustrations and without them he becomes lost and hence is desperate to have them back. He won't change, at the very least not while she stays with him. Get her to leave him if you can, if she is reluctant there are plenty of books, internet articles and other things that have this kind of abuse well documented that you can show her. I'd be wary about romantically involving yourself with this girl though, at least for the first few months. You don't want to end up as a rebound and she'll need time to recover emotionally after ending the relationship.

    Best of luck to you both.

  5. #4
    Hawkman85
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    No she doesn't live with him. She lives with a roommate but spends most nights at his place.

    He knows about me and thinks her and I are just friends...so if I text her which I don't often I keep it clean just talk about work or something.

    I've tried to direct her to web sites that talk about abuse and she's even acknowledged that he's a crapy boyfriend. But she won't admit that he's abusive. I've said he's need professional help with his drinking. But she says he's not an alcoholic. Just defends him. And since these last 4 weeks he hasn't drank she's convinced he's changed. She hides most of the abuse from her family so they think he's an ok guy other then the DUIs.

    Every time shes alone and away from him she will call me and we will just chat. I like it. Even though I know I shouldn't. She still lets me touch her and kiss her at times but no sex she's to nervous.

  6. #5
    Hawkman85
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wolfboy702 [Register to see the link]
    It's a standard case of abuse I'm afraid. The guy needs someone to abuse as an outlet for his own failures/frustrations and without them he becomes lost and hence is desperate to have them back. He won't change, at the very least not while she stays with him. Get her to leave him if you can, if she is reluctant there are plenty of books, internet articles and other things that have this kind of abuse well documented that you can show her. I'd be wary about romantically involving yourself with this girl though, at least for the first few months. You don't want to end up as a rebound and she'll need time to recover emotionally after ending the relationship.

    Best of luck to you both.
    I've been trying to google articles that are similar but I haven't found one that's along those lines to send her...I also believe she will dismiss it and just get mad at me.

    I'm sorta afraid of losing her...I know it's selfish

  7. #6
    Hawkman85
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    Also I don't understand why she keeps going back? The time we spent together was amazing. We got along so well. Had fun it was romantic the sex was amazing and passionate...we really care about each other and still so.

  8. #7
    Hollyj
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    What do you get out of this? You have become a complete doormat.

    She is emotionally abusive, disrespectful and doesn't give a sh#t about you. She simply uses you and stomps her feet all over you.

    You cannot help her or the bf, but you can help yourself. Get some counseling for this sick attraction to this woman, and your issues with co dependence.

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  10. #8
    Hollyj
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawkman85 [Register to see the link]
    Also I don't understand why she keeps going back? The time we spent together was amazing. We got along so well. Had fun it was romantic the sex was amazing and passionate...we really care about each other and still so.
    Why do you keep going back??????

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    HeartGoesOn
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    I think he's just using her and it'll be a matter of time...
    I'm sorry, but she's choosing to stay with him. Also, and not to sound harsh, she's using you, simply because she needs a shoulder to cry on.

    I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, but if she wanted to be with you she would.

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  14. #10
    boltnrun
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    She is unhealthily attached to him.

    "No one sounds as convincing and sincere as a penitent abuser, and no one wants to believe the abuser more than the abused partner".

    I read that somewhere and I believe it is true. They have been brainwashed to believe the abuse isn't happening, isn't that bad, or is THEIR fault. They believe it because, way back when, when they first met their abuser, he was the sweetest, most loving, most giving, most romantic person they'd ever met. And they want "that" man back. They believe the person he was in the beginning is the "real" him and the abuse is just an aberration. And that's why they hang on.

    YOU cannot break this cycle. Only she can. And only when she decides she's had enough.

    She may care about you, but she cares about getting the "real" him back more, unfortunately.

    I'd let her family know what's going on. She will hate you for telling them, but someone (not you) needs to know just in case things go very, very wrong.

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