Perfect relationship except for the age diff

Hi- I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I can't seem to get past our 14 year age difference. I'm 30, he's 44. He was my boss for a year and a half before we started dating about 10 months ago. He's funny, caring, great in bed, understanding and would literally do anything for me. When I first started seeing him, I kept looking for a catch because how could he be so sweet and perfect and never been married? He has no kids and neither have I. I want kids. I told him this right off the bat and he was all for it. I asked him why he'd never had kids and he said it just didn't happen but he is open to it, he just hadn't thought too much about it.

Long story short, we spent 10 wonderful months together. Probably the healthiest relationship I've been. I can't stress what an amazing man he is. I love him.

So naturally I broke up with him 4 days ago because no matter what I do I have not gotten past the fact that he is 14 years older. And he could not have been sweeter or more understanding about it. When I asked him if he was angry at me he said "Absolutely not. I love you more than I ever thought I was capable of loving someone. I'm heartbroken, disappointed, but there is no anger toward you. All I ever wanted was your happiness." It was heartwrenching. Didn't make this any easier.

We are both adults. It's not like I'm 20 and he's 35, but ever since we got together I have not fully been able to get past the age thing. I only pushed it aside because he was so good to me and made it easy to forget that there was an age gap. Still the thought that he might die before me made me anxious. My father was 45 when I was born and I love him to death but it was sometimes very different growing up with an "older" dad, and not always in a good way. I'm not positive I want my kids to have an "older" dad like I did--- OR is this completely insane and irrational?? I know I should not feel this way, especially after 10 months of dating AND because I'm 30, not a child, AND he would marry me and knock me up tomorrow if I asked him to . I guess I thought the feeling would subside by now and when it didn't I realized I would have to break up with him before I got more attached (although I'm not sure that'd be possible). So I did last week and I've been a wreck ever since. So has he.

My question is, am I being crazy? Is 14 years too much? I should not be so hung up on this, especially because it's ridiculous to assume that just because he's older he's going to go before me. I know how insane I sound. Especially because WHY do I worry about what MIGHT happen in the future if I am happy in the present? I don't know! But I worried about it enough to break the heart of someone I Love and who loves me beyond words. I have never been put in a situation (or put myself in that situation) before and it's affecting me deeper than I thought it would. Has anyone ever felt this way? I'm looking for some feedback, someone to tell me to get a grip or SOMETHING because I just broke up with a one in a million man simply because of oue age difference.... but I'm just as heart broken as if I had been dumped!

Hi. My dad is 13 years older than my mom. And they've been very happily married for over 40 years! They were younger than you guys when they started dating and got married. My mom had a brief "freak out" period early on during which she broke up with him because he had two teenage kids from his previous marriage, and she wasn't sure she was ready to take that on. But luckily, she realized how much she loved him and what a good guy he was and took the plunge. They're perfect for each other. It sounds like your guy is as good a man as my dad is. That's extremely hard to find! I would say hold onto it. I can totally understand your fears, but I can say that the age difference has never been an issue with my parents. They love each other beyond words, and their marriage works because of mutual care, respect, values, etc. If you and your guy have that, hang on to it. Like I said, it's hard to come by.

I don't understand. I think this was a very foolish move, that you will live to regret. My friend's mom was married to a man, 30 years her senior, guess who died first! Her dad lived into his 90's.

People can die at any time. You could go before him. You're thinking is off!

Go get him back and quick (if he'll have you). You may have some explaining to do!

Good luck.

My grandma was 18 years younger than my grandpa. He was 38 and she was 20. They were together almost 50 years.I don't follow your logic to be honest.

Hey

My recent post was exactly the same only we have 16 year between us. It's been a month now , we tried to get back together but these thoughts are not leaving me and I think they will never do. They made me very anxious when I was with him, I think u are better off with somebody your own age that's what I'm saying to myself every day.

Think about it u are 30 he is 44

U will be 40 he 54

He might not want to do the same things like u . That's what I'm thinking and if I can't see long term future I just have to let go .

I don't think that at your respective ages, 14 years is such a dramatic difference. Especially since he is willing and able to give you kids. As for your thinking that he may go before you, that's just not true, people can and do die at young ages too, there is no rule that the oldest goes first!

However, I would venture a guess that despite you describing this relationship as "perfect", you are in fact not all that into him. It sounds like he's great on the paper, but deep inside something doesn't jive for you and you're looking for reasons to end it. Otherwise I have a hard time believing that anyone would be able to just walk away from a truly perfect relationship.

But really, what we all here think doesn't matter, the only thing that matters is what you think and how you feel. Even if to us your age difference isn't a deal breaker, it clearly is to you, so you have to do what you have to do. If you feel he is too old for you, then by all means move on, there is no point sticking around because the age difference will always be an issue for you.

I am 36 and my man is 50. So, same age difference.

He's also never been married and does not have children (The same for me) I consider that a plus, not a strike against him. I don't need to think about any responsibilities or feelings towards an ex-wife, we don't have children to think about first. It's just us and it's lovely.

We share the same goals for the future. We get along very well, and have several common interests. The chemistry is awesome. For these reasons, the age difference never really mattered to me, or to him.

My sense is that you're not as into your ex as you had hoped, but for other reasons. If you were, I don't think you'd have left.

Think about it u are 30 he is 44

U will be 40 he 54

He might not want to do the same things like u . That's what I'm thinking and if I can't see long term future I just have to let go .

It has nothing to do with age. It is the person. My father was still taking major international trips, playing golf and very active at the age of 80. I know plenty of 30-year-olds who are content hanging around and watching TV all day. I would go crazy!

I don't understand either of one of you, and your insecurities.

If you are not feeling it for whatever reason, you did the right thing being honest and not stringing him along. Your reasons are your reasons. It doesn't matter if you broke up because you could never marry a guy with brown hair or whatever.

If you feel the age difference is too much, then it is. We can tell you happy stories about how 25 year age difference has no effect. We can tell you stories about 2 year age difference that are miserable. If it bothers you this much then you have no future together. Age is something that a person can't change. If you can honestly tell yourself that you can look past it, then you can make it work.

I don't understand. I think this was a very foolish move, that you will live to regret. My friend's mom was married to a man, 30 years her senior, guess who died first! Her dad lived into his 90's.

 

People can die at any time. You could go before him. You're thinking is off!

Thank you for telling me that! It's so ridiculous that I feel this way, and it's even more messed up because I KNOW it. I know I could just as well die way before him. I needed to read this.

I don't follow it either! I know how absolutely insane I sound, but I just wanted to see how many people thought so too. Thank you for the feedback.

Thank you, I appreciate the feedback. It's all just so messed up.

I know. I don't want to look back and wish I hadn't done this. Thank you for your feedback. I need to see other people's views.

Sorry everyone, I can't seem to figure out how to reply to posts directly so I don't mean to be posting random replies one after the other.... but thank you all for your input! I appreciate seeing all your views.

People will tell you it's not a big deal and other people will tell you it does matter. I actually believe that age gaps past 10 years maximum either way do make a difference and have observed this in my family. At the end of the day though, it depends on how YOU feel about it. If you are happy to take your chances potentially shouldering heavy lifting down the road that's your choice. However, if you were really happy with this person, I find it highly unlikely that you would have broken up in the first place...Chances are that he doesn't rock your boat in more ways than the age gap thing...

The opinions of men and women are funny sometimes. I'll bet if this thread were started by a guy saying his girlfriend dumped him because he was 15 years older than her, it would be a different tune. He would probably be getting berated for robbing the cradle and going out with a woman so young. What a creep, eh?

OP - so basically you had a fantastic man and relationship, but trashed it becauae the guy is older. Way to go. Why even start a relationship with this poor shmuck if you were so hung up on age? I fear women like you!

Hi- I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I can't seem to get past our 14 year age difference. I'm 30, he's 44. He was my boss for a year and a half before we started dating about 10 months ago. He's funny, caring, great in bed, understanding and would literally do anything for me. When I first started seeing him, I kept looking for a catch because how could he be so sweet and perfect and never been married? He has no kids and neither have I. I want kids. I told him this right off the bat and he was all for it. I asked him why he'd never had kids and he said it just didn't happen but he is open to it, he just hadn't thought too much about it.

Long story short, we spent 10 wonderful months together. Probably the healthiest relationship I've been. I can't stress what an amazing man he is. I love him.

So naturally I broke up with him 4 days ago because no matter what I do I have not gotten past the fact that he is 14 years older. And he could not have been sweeter or more understanding about it. When I asked him if he was angry at me he said "Absolutely not. I love you more than I ever thought I was capable of loving someone. I'm heartbroken, disappointed, but there is no anger toward you. All I ever wanted was your happiness." It was heartwrenching. Didn't make this any easier.

We are both adults. It's not like I'm 20 and he's 35, but ever since we got together I have not fully been able to get past the age thing. I only pushed it aside because he was so good to me and made it easy to forget that there was an age gap. Still the thought that he might die before me made me anxious. My father was 45 when I was born and I love him to death but it was sometimes very different growing up with an "older" dad, and not always in a good way. I'm not positive I want my kids to have an "older" dad like I did--- OR is this completely insane and irrational?? I know I should not feel this way, especially after 10 months of dating AND because I'm 30, not a child, AND he would marry me and knock me up tomorrow if I asked him to . I guess I thought the feeling would subside by now and when it didn't I realized I would have to break up with him before I got more attached (although I'm not sure that'd be possible). So I did last week and I've been a wreck ever since. So has he.

My question is, am I being crazy? Is 14 years too much? I should not be so hung up on this, especially because it's ridiculous to assume that just because he's older he's going to go before me. I know how insane I sound. Especially because WHY do I worry about what MIGHT happen in the future if I am happy in the present? I don't know! But I worried about it enough to break the heart of someone I Love and who loves me beyond words. I have never been put in a situation (or put myself in that situation) before and it's affecting me deeper than I thought it would. Has anyone ever felt this way? I'm looking for some feedback, someone to tell me to get a grip or SOMETHING because I just broke up with a one in a million man simply because of oue age difference.... but I'm just as heart broken as if I had been dumped!

Yes, Get a grip. You don't find love like this everyday.

My grandfather was 18yrs older than my grandmother. They loved one another. End of story.

My grandma was 18 years younger than my grandpa. He was 38 and she was 20. They were together almost 50 years.I don't follow your logic to be honest.

Thank you. I don't follow it either. There is none.

People will tell you it's not a big deal and other people will tell you it does matter. I actually believe that age gaps past 10 years maximum either way do make a difference and have observed this in my family. At the end of the day though, it depends on how YOU feel about it. If you are happy to take your chances potentially shouldering heavy lifting down the road that's your choice. However, if you were really happy with this person, I find it highly unlikely that you would have broken up in the first place...Chances are that he doesn't rock your boat in more ways than the age gap thing...

Thank you for your feedback. That might be true.

Thank you. I know that's so true.

Thank you for your feedback!