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I am having problems organising holidays with my husband and our families. At the moment on christmas we are alternating lunch with his family and my family. The thing is I have 5 sisters who have kids and inlaws and over the christmas holidays they are off spending time with their other families and the only time they are all available is at christmas lunch. My husbands family are small and have no inlaws and are available anytime over the christmas holidays.. in fact every second year when we spend christmas with my family we have christmas lunch the next day with his. When we do lunch with his family on christmas day I have to try and fit in seeing my family when they arent busy with their in laws which results in me missing out on seeing them all around christmas time. I dont think it is fair this way but my husband seems to think it does. All I want is to see all of my famil at christmas time and the only time they are all together is at christmas lunch. Am I being unreasonable? Can I get your opinions/advice?

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They have inlaws that they are trying to fit in too. So it's not that they aren't being accommodating they just have other committments they need to fit in aswell. Its 5 sisters who are trying to fit all of their families in around the same time. Some of the inlaws are split up so they have to do multiple visits over those days to make sure the kids get to see all of their families. My husband only has 1 sister and a nephew and they dont have inlaws so they are free any day over the holidays.

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Thats the thing the day before and the day after christmas my family can't all get together as they have other committments with their inlaws and the days before then and after I work so we can't get together then either. It wouldn't be a bother if we could get together before christmas but the only time my family doesnt have committments is on christmas lunch. His family has no committments on any of the other days. And when we have christmas alternate years with my family after lunch we go up and spend christmas night and the next day with them so he gets to see them on christmas day every year.

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I had much the same problem and I had a mother who believed Christmas could not be held any other day than Dec. 25th. It was like a command performance, you had to be there, no matter what. I went thru hell with her and her demanding ways and it was awful because I couldnt please anyone no matter what I did. She was mad if I was there, she was mad if I wasn't there.

 

Now that I am older and she is gone, I dont have anyone telling me what to do. My own kids are grown and we get together when it works, I promised myself I would never insist we had to get together on Dec. 25th if one of them had something else going on. I dont want to be like my mother. It hasn't been any type of hassle or problem with my kids because we are all flexible. I wish more families would adopt the idea of being flexible so that all extended family could visit and have a nice time with others rather than cramming everything into one day.

 

I suggest you try to get your family to spread things out over maybe Dec. 24, 25 and 26 and if that doesnt work, alternate years with who you see on Christmas day. These things can be resolved if people would just be more flexible.

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I'd tell husband that he can be in charge of organizing Christmas for us with his family every year, and the only time I'll be unavailable is Christmas Day Lunch. He's invited to either attend that with me, or not, but I'm available for his family on Christmas Eve, Christmas breakfast, Christmas Dinner or any other time.

 

If he's not willing to be flexible even while everyone else in his family IS, then that's a problem I'd allow him to work out on his own. He can let me know what solution he comes up with that doesn't deprive me of the only time my family is available.

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It sounds like you are building resentment but don't know what to do because you only say "he wants...,he thinks...,he does...,etc." If it bothers you, change it. The more you carry on with but but but he...he...he...he..he, the more resentment you will build. You are not finding solutions.

I have made that suggestion to my husband but he doesn't like it. He wants to do lunch only as he said its more traditional.
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It sounds like you are building resentment but don't know what to do because you only say "he wants...,he thinks...,he does...,etc." If it bothers you, change it. The more you carry on with but but but he...he...he...he..he, the more resentment you will build. You are not finding solutions.

 

I agree except for the " 'You' are not finding solutions" part. 'You' don't need to come up with a solution. Just take yourself out of the equation and let HIM find a solution--it's his family. Set your boundary--I'm not giving up my only chance to lunch with my family all year, but I'm free to see your family at any time 'around' that one meal.

 

Since he's creating the only roadblock, let him resolve that.

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