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No reciprocity with sexual favours


CyberMouse

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I'm looking to get some advice on a good way to communicate about this issue with my boyfriend:

 

We both enjoy intercourse, and I always reach an orgasm within 5-10 minutes of just sex. I highly dislike it when a guy goes down on me, but I really enjoy some finger-play. I also like going down on my bf, and I've been working on being able to swallow (and have gotten pretty good at it even though it's not my favourite).

 

Here's the problem. My bf absolutely refuses to have intercourse while I'm on my period, which is generally okay with me. A few days ago, we both got super turned on, and he knew I was on my last day of my period (which is less blood than a papercut), but when I suggested intercourse, he passively sort of backed off and left me hanging. Not only that, but he also believes finger-play is "unnecessary" since I am able to get off on sex alone.

 

I don't know how to tell him he's being selfish, while still respecting that I can't make another person do something that they don't want to do.

 

Any advice?

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Try to avoid any touchy-feely stuff when you're on your period (you should know this, btw). And simply tell him that one thing you enjoy is finger play, and you'd like it if he did it a little more often.

 

If it escalates and he still refuses, you'll have to admit to yourself that your needs aren't getting met and if you're okay with this in the relationship.

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If you are ok with no sex at that time because of his attitude, then why is he suddenly selfish?

My bf absolutely refuses to have intercourse while I'm on my period, which is generally okay with me. A few days ago I was on my last day of my period he passively sort of backed off and left me hanging.
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Try to avoid any touchy-feely stuff when you're on your period (you should know this, btw). And simply tell him that one thing you enjoy is finger play, and you'd like it if he did it a little more often.

 

If it escalates and he still refuses, you'll have to admit to yourself that your needs aren't getting met and if you're okay with this in the relationship.

 

What do you mean? Sex during your period is totally fine and orgasms actually help reduce cramps. I personally like period sex but my bf is freaked out by blood in general so we rarely do it and only on the last day.

 

Period sex is totally fine if both parties are willing. He's not into it so I wouldn't push it but the finger stuff have a discussion. Don't accuse and call him selfish. Just try to calmly explain why it's important for you to have more variety in bed.

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What do you mean? Sex during your period is totally fine and orgasms actually help reduce cramps. I personally like period sex but my bf is freaked out by blood in general so we rarely do it and only on the last day.

 

I mean that the OP should to avoid intimacy while on her period because she knows her bf isn't into it. You are totally correct in that it's actually quite okay to partake in.

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It's one thing if it isn't something that he enjoys (although I think it's well worth finding a dude who has no problem with my body in all the states it goes through and periods are normal) but not wanting to get you off with his hands because it is "unnecessary"... that sounds like someone who isn't terribly interested in your pleasure. I love getting my partner off and I expect that love and desire in return. That is what makes sex hot for me.

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Thanks for the replies, everyone.

 

Rosephase, I think you came to closest to putting into words what I'm thinking!

 

Of course I don't want to push him into doing something he doesn't enjoy, but a little bit of occasional compromise would be much appreciated. Iggy5129, I appreciate the advice, I'll try my absolute best to stay calm and not call him selfish

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Yeah, my man is a monster in the sack; period or not, but there are men who get freaked out by it. Everyone is different. I agree with trying to tone it down while on your period, because it will cause nothing but frustration for you.

 

Does he do the finger play when you aren't on your period, or has he gotten less intimate in general?

 

I've discovered that words cut deep in the bedroom with guys and gals and maybe something was said that made him feel awkward about certain things. Communication is key.

 

Always build up, encourage and compliment your man when he keeps you happy and when he's down on himself. Mine is perfect to me and I remind him on a constant basis.

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Does he do the finger play when you aren't on your period, or has he gotten less intimate in general?

 

I've discovered that words cut deep in the bedroom with guys and gals and maybe something was said that made him feel awkward about certain things. Communication is key.

 

Ah I should have clarified, he never does finger play - period or no period. When I'm on my period, 99% of the time, I do keep it toned down and I don't expect him to do anything for me. I do however give him head all the time, and especially when I'm on my period. Otherwise, he hasn't been less intimate at all, just the same as always.

 

And you said it, words cut deep in the bedroom, so I'm trying to find a constructive and nice way of asking him to please be a little more giving to me. I am not exaggerating when I say that in the two years we've dated (some of that time was long distance), I haven't asked him more than twice to maaaaybe consider playing with me on my last day, especially in a situation like this where he was the one to initiate sexy time and get me all hot and bothered.

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Ah I should have clarified, he never does finger play - period or no period. When I'm on my period, 99% of the time, I do keep it toned down and I don't expect him to do anything for me. I do however give him head all the time, and especially when I'm on my period. Otherwise, he hasn't been less intimate at all, just the same as always.

 

And you said it, words cut deep in the bedroom, so I'm trying to find a constructive and nice way of asking him to please be a little more giving to me. I am not exaggerating when I say that in the two years we've dated (some of that time was long distance), I haven't asked him more than twice to maaaaybe consider playing with me on my last day, especially in a situation like this where he was the one to initiate sexy time and get me all hot and bothered.

I gotcha now! ^___^

 

Here's something to say that is a compliment in itself and could/should boost his ego.

 

"I really miss when you used to fi**** me. You were incredible at it and it really got me going."

 

See if that does the trick and it is a nice flattering approach to get the results you want.

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I wouldn't expect him to be doing anything around your period if he's not cool with it. How can it be nice anyhow if he feels forced? Some guys are turned off being around a woman's area when she is on her period and that's okay, it's only for a few days, so it should be no big deal.

 

As for the other things you are speaking about, tell him it's important to you and see if he will be more cooperative.

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I'll be completely honest. Like 95% of my aversion to sexual activity during periods is a result of conditioning from like a dozen different women I've dated who either flat out haven't wanted it at all or were extremely self conscious about it (not blaming them in any way for that). I don't think that it's the fact men are instinctively freaked out by it (though I'm sure some are), but rather that, more often than not, it's best to assume she's not going to want it during that time, and a great way to cope with that is to yourself disassociate sex during that time. I'm sure there's a chicken and the egg argument somewhere in there with whether it was women who didn't want it originally or whether it was men who made them self conscious about it, but I digress.

 

I do think it very well stands to reason that if he doesn't want sex during your period, when he's (hopefully) sporting a rubber, he's not going to want a bare finger in there. And, if in general he doesn't like fingering, that's something you simply need to consider.

 

When it comes to sex, I really hesitate with the term "selfish." People have things they enjoy and don't enjoy. And I am a huge proponent of folks not having to sexually perform in ways they're not comfortable with, even if their partner does enjoy it. This is why, for me, sexual compatibility is a very, very real and substantial thing. It's not about finding someone who's willing to reciprocate. It's about someone who enjoys the act involved in it. You giving him oral shouldn't be about him returning some "favor." It should be about you enjoying pleasuring him in such a way. And if the ways he prefers to pleasure you don't line up with your needs, I'd say it's time to seriously reconsider the relationship's standing.

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I'm thinking if it takes 5 to 10 to get off with Intercourse. Then it would either go the same or faster with a finger play. Maybe he's just not good at managing time? As for me I'd much rather have sex then use my fingers during that time of the month. I don't see a huge deal as long as it isn't a jar of ragu.

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I'm thinking if it takes 5 to 10 to get off with Intercourse. Then it would either go the same or faster with a finger play. Maybe he's just not good at managing time? As for me I'd much rather have sex then use my fingers during that time of the month. I don't see a huge deal as long as it isn't a jar of ragu.

Jar of ragu! 😂😂😂

 

Comment of the hour goes to you, sir.

I will never look at ragu sauce the same again, but I will make clever inside jokes about the different varieties pertaining to this subject.

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... Like 95% of my aversion to sexual activity during periods is a result of conditioning from like a dozen different women I've dated who either flat out haven't wanted it at all or were extremely self conscious about it (not blaming them in any way for that). I don't think that it's the fact men are instinctively freaked out by it (though I'm sure some are), but rather that, more often than not, it's best to assume she's not going to want it during that time, and a great way to cope with that is to yourself disassociate sex during that time. I'm sure there's a chicken and the egg argument somewhere in there with whether it was women who didn't want it originally or whether it was men who made them self conscious about it, but I digress. ...

 

Thanks for the reply, j.man! I have to admit I haven't thought about it this way, so I really appreciate your perspective

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If you can't take 4-7 days out of the month to not have sex on - how is the quality of the relationship overall? Honestly, i wouldn't want to do it at all during my worst days in any shape or form. Maybe you should explore foreplay that doesn't involve your vagina on those days. maybe it will help you not be "five-10 minutes and done" every time if there were SOME times when sexual play didn't involve orgasm - that it wasn't always a race to performance.

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One more thing - are you in a relationship or are you turning tricks? In a relationships, there is no such thing or structure of "sexual favors" for "sexual favors". You make it sound like a FWB. There is no score sheet in a relationship for things like that. You just have a good experience every time, let you both make it up as you go along. If you are keeping track of how many times and for how many seconds he touched you in your favorite spot or used a favorite toy and then expect that puts a balance in his account for you to do something in particular to him, and you feel your bank account is empty because he won't do the one thing he doesn't want to do - you are not looking at things the right way.

 

 

Have you looked at methods to reduce your period?

 

Why should she? its her body's natural process and to try to take drugs or do things to her body to alter that because she must have sex every day will have repurcussions. having a normal, 4-8 day period with some cramps, some heavy days is just the way it is

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Why should she? its her body's natural process and to try to take drugs or do things to her body to alter that because she must have sex every day will have repurcussions. having a normal, 4-8 day period with some cramps, some heavy days is just the way it is

 

Because if it's something important to her, it's her responsibility to change it or accept it if she wants to stay with him. It's reasonable to not want period sex, and if she can't go 4-7 days without, there are birth control methods - like the IUD or the arm implant - that reduce or eliminate periods.

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