27 year roller coaster

My wife says she has no attraction to me because I gained weight and she is still very attractive. She says my job instability (getting fired 3 times) has made her feel insecure about us. Now I have a permanent disability that my Doctors recommend I no longer work and we must go on a much lower income.

We own our nice house out right we also have a second home in AZ with more than 50% equity, a storage condo (owner free and clear) a small rural farm ( in my family 200 years) and my parents home but it has only 10% equity.

My wife says my injury will now impact is and force us to sell assets to pay off our debts, biggest one is the IRS for $100K. We have a New Mercedes and VW as well.

She wants us to just be friends so that our kids aren't impacted. We have a 22 year old getting ready to graduate college and a 14 entering private high school next year. Both boys. Both love me and think their Mom is verbally Abusive and demeaning to me.

I've lost 50 pounds now and still have another 50 to go. I haven't had sex with my wife in two years. I'm still very attracted to her but she shows me no affection and gives me no intimacy. I've tried be affectionate and initiate intimacy but she says our marriage is dead and has been for years. She isn't attracted to me and is repulsed by me now that I'm out of shape. She throws my disability up constantly as further evidence of my failing her and making her go get a job to help out. She never had to work until 2012 when the economy forced me into a job change. We own our primary house outright, we have a second home in AZ with more than 50% equity (we were going to retire there before) and we have a storage unit paid for, a small family farm been in the family 200 years, and my parents home, which only has 10% equity. We owe the IRS $100K. We have two new cars, Mercedes and VW.

She doesn't want to sell the AZ house to pay off our debts and be in great financial condition, says that's her favorite place to go and reminds me our inability to pay for our current life is my fault.

We have two sons, one graduating from college this year and one entering private high school.

My wife drinks every night 2 glasses of wine or more and once she is loosened up she becomes verbally Abusive mostly toward me. She has told our boys she really never loved me in that pitter patter heart way, she just settled for me because I was a good guy. Then she says my weight gain and struggle over the years wrecked her desire for me and now she has no attraction for me. She told me one time I repulsed her when I mounted her, it just broke my heart. She had an affair 17 years ago, has had at least three other flirtations that escalated over Facebook to in person meetings in the past 5 years.

She constantly blames me for our failed marriage and her lack of interest. Last night she said, if you want sex, affection and intimacy you should go get a girlfriend who can provide you with what you need. My jaw dropped. She said our marriage has been dead for years and it's my fault. My boys feel she is verbally abusive and condescending to me. But then she speaks of future events like next year as if we will just carry on like this forever. She says let's just be cordial and friends for the kids. Everyday she tells me about getting hit on by clients at her work.

She says she should have left me sooner but when I had my heart attack she felt it would be to cruel to do it at that time, 2 years ago.

I still love her but I'm empty and need and want love, affection and intimacy. She said last night all we have taught our boys is how to be in a loveless marriage. I told her that's not true, she has been loved unconditionally by me, and the lack of love and affection and intimacy is being personified by her not me. The last time we tried to make love 2 years ago, I could stay erect because I kept hearing in my mind how I repulsed her and that I was fat and unattractive to her.

Now she says get a girlfriend and let's get through this year and then figure things out! I'm so fed up and frustrated and I don't know why I still love her?

The best thing you can do is work on yourself for you, not her. Get to the doctor for a good physical work on any issues. Get on a fitness and nutrition plan through your local hospital or a commercial plan. Make sure it's a regular program with support you can stick to.

Take some classes that are fitness oriented. Get out of the house. Take lessons, classes, courses. Learn something new and interesting. Stay active. Volunteer. Are you on chronic pain medication or addicted to drug or alcohol? If so get into rehab and support groups for that with the help of your doctor.

Fix up your image. Get new clothes get to a barber for a haircut and facial hair updating. Keep up your grooming.

Do not keep throwing your kids in the middle, taking sides, etc. They are not marriage counselors despite whatever opinions they have. Stop being a victim and martyr. Get into therapy and take back control of your life.

Should I take her serious about a girlfriend? I have a woman who is my sounding board a former co-worker who invites me to spend time with her. She always gives me the woman's perspective, and says she wants nothing more than for me to fix it with my wife, but she does flirt a little bit to let me know there is chemistry. How do I treat that scenario I light of my wife's comments?

Ask your wife is she was honest about the open marriage thing. However this coworker sounds like a friend.

I have a woman who is my sounding board a former co-worker who invites me to spend time with her. she wants nothing more than for me to fix it with my wife.

if i was you i would take the advice and start looking after yourself. join a gym if you can, start to eat healthy.

i would also ditch your wife, she sounds like a nightmare - why should you put up with it? let someone else.

she says it's a loveless marriage, great - you move on before your whole life has flashed by and you've spent another 20yrs in a loveless marriage. see what happens with your female friend, it could lead to something. even if it doesnt you will be a happier person without this woman putting you down.

good luck and stay true to yourself.

What is your disability? Are you really unable to work even a desk job?

It sounds like she may love you but is testing to see if you are a man and a fighter.

Show her you are. Take up powerlifting or martial arts and let the macho side out. Go hunting and kill some animals to eat. Grow facial hair and become a bad a$$. Get a motor cycle.

She starts talking dirty next time you try the same "is this how your dirty lover did it?".

Fight fire with fire. Her treatment of you is terrible, but she is still your wife. Repulse every attack and maybe dish a few of your own to put her in her place (NOT suggesting you get physically violent or even verbally abusive). Just don't allow her to dump on you. Good luck.

Agree about fixing up your image and consulting a divorce attorney about your options regarding getting rid of a loveless marriage.

Not sure bringing home a dead moose or this would work in some cases 6793507]Grow facial hair and become a bad a$$. Get a motor cycle.

]

A divorce seems a bit risky, because 27 years is a long time and a good reason for the judge to grant her Alimony.

She is miserable to you and knowing that my spouse went through being treated like garbage, in and out of court and to finally losing everything they worked so hard for before meeting me; broke my heart to hear it and my heart breaks to hear it's more common than not ..

It's time to separate, man.

Listen to Wiseman; he's always spitting good advice and also listen to your head on this one. Do not let that women bring you down and get in shape for yourself. Make her wish she never casted you aside when she sees the aftermath of your efforts.

What is your disability? Are you really unable to work even a desk job?

 

It sounds like she may love you but is testing to see if you are a man and a fighter.

 

Show her you are. Take up powerlifting or martial arts and let the macho side out. Go hunting and kill some animals to eat. Grow facial hair and become a bad a$$. Get a motor cycle.

 

She starts talking dirty next time you try the same "is this how your dirty lover did it?".

 

Fight fire with fire. Her treatment of you is terrible, but she is still your wife. Repulse every attack and maybe dish a few of your own to put her in her place (NOT suggesting you get physically violent or even verbally abusive). Just don't allow her to dump on you. Good luck.

I have a serious back injury and left arm injury not repairable without dangerous surgery, but I had a heart attack two years ago and they found an aneurism. With this combo I can't have any elevated blood pressure from stress. It also would make surgery far more dangerous. Sitting or standing for long periods does my back in. Doctors feel my best option is to retire and work on my novel and other manuscripts, because their low stress and controlled environment. Formerly I was a motivational speaker and #1 Best Selling Author

Agree about fixing up your image and consulting a divorce attorney about your options regarding getting rid of a loveless marriage.

 

Not sure bringing home a dead moose or this would work in some cases:

]

I just watched that movie weeks ago with the Hubby and we rewound that part a good 7 times. I needed my inhaler, I laughed so hard at this scene.

"...and says she wants nothing more than for me to fix it with my wife,"

- Classic cheater lie. She knows you, but even more so, she knows your money.

She has the potential of making a very bad situation much worse.

The booze, abuse and history makes me think she is currently having an affair.

First things first:

Stop using a computer/device she can ever have access to.

Then come back.

The booze, abuse and history makes me think she is currently having an affair.

 

First things first:

Stop using a computer/device she can ever have access to.

 

Then come back.

She has no access to my electronic files

Okay, next purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let her see this book. Don't confuse Dobson, TL creator with today's watered down/aggression laced knockoffs.)

btw:

"She says she should have left me sooner..."

- Lie. It's not about you.

Homework:

- Check her cell phone records online.

Formerly I was a motivational speaker and #1 Best Selling Author

Well then you are a stud. Act like one.

The proper response for someone insulting you is NOT to talk unconditional love. The proper response is F off. I think you are too dispassionate and she gets nasty just to get some emotion out of you, except it sounds like your response (no offense) is after the fact crying and sadness. She sounds fiery.... have you ever tried getting mean and nasty back?

Yes. Lately I tell her how I feel and I want resolution or we end it and split our assets and pay off or debts snd go our own way. I recommended last week we see a divorce counselor to end it fairly and amicably. She just ignores such logic and says her medical coverage saved my life, I owe her my life. Latest commentary. In fact that is true, but that does not justify her abuse and neglect of our marriage. It all goes to my being overweight for years and not doing anything about it. She says that my weight killed our marriage and nearly killed me physically. That is her standard posturing response to why cant we start over. She says she feels lost and can't make such decisions when she feels like this. She for the first time suggested we see a counselor last night. She has been opposed to that for years.

Since you are a best selling author. I would get out the loose leaf and go to the lab. Write a best seller about a spousal killing. Get it on opera. Then once she sees your public speaking capability she will get rid of Dr Phil. Don't worry you don't need to be a Dr he isnt. Then the money and talk show groopies will pour in. Good luck

Knight, it doesn't matter if you were a King, President/Leader of mega Country/Company, or just plain super rich.

Many/most, regardless of their "looks and popularity" have been reduced to ruble by a fleeing spouse. (Today, as we speak!)

Why?

1. Married, and/or forced, the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

2. Or married the right person, but didn't understand genuine love and neglected their spouse.

3. Using PopC tools to try and fix either.

4. Refusing to understand.

More helpful hints:

Yes. Lately I tell her how I feel and I want resolution or we end it and split our assets and pay off or debts snd go our own way.

- Weak threats she's heard before. She knows how to turn it around to get more time out of you.

I owe her my life. Latest commentary. In fact that is true,..."

- No you don't and it's certainly not the truth. (Or what's happening.)

"She says that my weight killed our marriage and nearly killed me physically."

- More manipulation.

"That is her standard posturing response..."

- It works, so why not use it over and over. It gives her time.

"She says she feels lost and can't make such decisions when she feels like this."

- She always needs help with decisions..., just not from you.

"She for the first time suggested we see a counselor last night. She has been opposed to that for years"

- No she hasn't. She's used it many times on you, just not for the good reasons you hope for. (Time delay tactic)

Did you start reading Dobson?

Did you check phone records?

Btw:

My sole reason for being here on ena is to save marriages. That is, real marriages.

She says my job instability (getting fired 3 times) has made her feel insecure about us.

I'm really curious about WHY you keep getting fired? Getting fired once, I guess that can happen to anyone, getting fired twice, then I start wondering what's up, but then getting fired three times ... well, once can't help but wonder what it is that you keep doing to cause you to get fired. Something's not right (imo).

As for what to do in general - please read post # 2 - Wiseman2 nailed it and there's not much more to add to that.

See an attorney by yourself, confidentially and privately to review your options. Threatening divorce doesn't work. Either get your ducks in a row, prepare and file for divorce or suggest marriage counselling which is done together.

For example, a consultation with your own private divorce attorney would answer such questions as healthcare coverage in a factual black and white manner without emotional hyperbola.

I recommended last week we see a divorce counselor to end it fairly and amicably. She just ignores such logic and says her medical coverage saved my life, I owe her my life. She says that my weight killed our marriage and nearly killed me physically. That is her standard posturing response to why cant we start over.. She for the first time suggested we see a counselor last night.

I worked as the CEO of governmental organizations and if they choose to go a different direction they simply terminate your contract. It's pretty standard in my profession. I had one board though that was conducting themselves illegally and misusing taxpayer funds. So I turned them into the Attorney General. They then fired me and tried to cover up the scandal by making me the scandal. It was very visible and the press sided with the crooks. They made me look guilty on fabricated charges. Two years later I was cleared by the Federal Court and my former employer had to pay me 2years of back salary and write a public apology and post it in the newspaper. None the less the rumor mills contributed to spread the earlier stories and not the final verdict, so it followed me. The second contract termination was because the recruiter had failed to disclose all of this to my new employer, even though I had clearly disclosed it. The press just kept trying to make it look like there had to be something that wasn't being told. There wasn't but the scrutiny was too much for the board, so they caved. The third was just after that I worked for a Fortune 10 company and their foundation has a money scandal and their internal investigation team felt I was the most likely person, so they terminated me, with no proof of wrong doing just to be safe. I learned two years later it had been the President of the foundation that had embezzled and she used me to try to cover her trail. She went to prison. So a series of terminations because I stood up for what was right, took the public scrutiny and prevailed only to have the incident taint my future employers and falsely impale my character over and over again. More than 20 years later people still ask me, so did you do anything wrong? It's amazing people don't believe in good guys anymore. Sad.

"It's amazing people don't believe in good guys anymore. Sad."

- Not me.

Suffering indignities are to meant to strengthen you, and build character and understanding.

In other words, step out of the pack and let your troubles make you the man God wants you to be.

You'll be surprised at the affect it has on the people around you. (Because they too are lost.)

I think she's gone for good. 2 years without sex? Yeah it's dead. All the counselling and book reading in the world probably isn't going to fix that. If there was anything to fix, that time probably passed.

Get yourself together, but for you and your future, WITHOUT her.

I personally would not keep some sham marriage going. Open marriage? Forgettaboutit. Yes, she's get half your assets. Alimony? Well that depends, if you're on disability and she has more income potential maybe not. But, that's what happens when you're married for 20+ years. But frankly, it sounds like you have a lot of stuff you don't need anyway, and WAY more than a single man would.

I don't know why you love this horrible woman. She deserves to be put to the curb.