Are these huge red flags?

Joined an online dating site. Guy starts talking to me. Seems very nice. Asks me all about my work and what I do for a living. Nothing fishy. He's nice, funny, writes well. He mentions he is a school teacher for elementary school kids. So at that point, being the savvy online detective that I am, I go onto the public school website in the town he put he lives in, find his full name. Then I find him on Facebook.

Issue is, when I go on his Facebook, he has all these photos of him and his dog, which he told me about, and a girl, whom later is identified as his fiancée. I couldn’t believe my eyes. How could someone who is happily getting married, be on match.com ? How low can you be to do that? The most recent photo of them was from March 2016 though, so I was highly confused. I figured at this point he was a scum bag. I was not about to be someone’s other woman.

I call him out on it. He says he is extremely sorry I found out that information this early on and that he would never ever do that to someone. He said that “Previously engaged” wasn’t something people normally put on a dating profile or talk about right away.

He swore to me that he was no longer engaged. He said he was engaged a long time ago, but hasn’t been in a long while. He said that they weren’t together and haven’t been in a long time. He said he never took down a lot of the photos of him and her together because he didn’t have a lot of photos of just him to post there.

My friend and I did more digging online and found he was stopped last year for driving under the influence. I didn’t call him out it, as I didn’t want to judge him. I didn’t know the situation. I have a few traffic tickets under my belt and I had to go to court for one of them. So I didn’t feel I could judge him for that. Plus, he still works at the school with children. They wouldn’t let him do that if he did something terrible and was charged. He didn't lie about being a teacher at the school, and his name is on their website and it matches exactly what kind of teacher he claims to be.

He tells me I can ask him whatever I want and he will be honest about it. He kept saying he felt so bad that I found out about his engagement so early on.

Since he opened it up for questions, I asked him what happened with him and his fiancée. He said he struggled with a mental health issue last year and he was working on getting some help, but she wasn’t patient enough to stick around for it as he got better.

This shocked me because my friend and I did more digging and saw she was a nurse. So she knows the health system, how things work, and I’m shocked someone like that wouldn’t stick around.

I mean this is deep stuff. Stuff I don’t know if I want to be involved in.

He did send a follow up message saying “So let’s try this again. Hi, I’m John, a previously engaged school teacher, who is no longer engaged due to differences in opinion. I’m very interested in meeting someone smart, pretty, and good at being a computer detective. “

It was so funny. He could make light of it at least. He didn't chastise me at all for looking into him or being sneaky. He seemed more apologetic than anything.

What the heck do I do in a situation like this?

Is this a huge concern?

He said he would still like to get to know me and wants to talk. I am unsure of what to do.

Just out of curiosity......do you see anything at all wrong with your own self and your behavior?

So he still has pics up of his ex, he has a mental health issue that he hasn't gotten a handle on yet and a DUI.

You have to have better options than this guy don't you?

I don't see not mentioning he was engaged once as a big deal really so early on but the other stuff would give me pause.

Huge concern? No

If you have other guys interested in you then keep talking to all of them and see how you feel. There is no rush.

Lost

You let it and him go. You're obviously bent on judging the guy. I mean more power to you, I guess. It's just much less snide to just keep the judging to yourself though instead of "confronting" him. He was under no obligation to tell a woman he hadn't even met in person yet that he'd been previously engaged. I could maybe understand previously married. Maybe.

Additionally, and not at all to dismiss the possibility he may have used whatever mental issues he had as an excuse while he was a cruddy partner to his ex, but her being a nurse could just as well mean she deals with that kinda **** enough at work and in fact has little to no patience having to deal with it in her personal life as well.

So, yeah. If you catch yourself confronting men on a first or second date, or worse, prior to even sharing a single cup of coffee, it's safe to say you should move onto the next one. While I'm inclined to agree that it wouldn't be suitable for me to date someone who has recently recovered or is currently recovering from mental health issues, I'm a big fan of "live and let live" and simply saying "no thanks" rather than wasting everyone's time and energy being confronting.

Why is it that you're digging into this guy's past and trying to uncover everything about him? I thought the point of dating someone was to get to know them? There is a line that you seem to be crossing and I think you should step back a little and reflect. You seem the type of person to go through a guy's phone and snoop in his Facebook messages when he's not around.

Stop this.

Red flags like exes in the picture literally or figuratively, as a well as public court records indicating a DWI are things to consider.

Dating sites encourage people to google and "do their own research". At least he's not on the sex offender registry.

But only you know which red flags and deal breakers you are going to heed or let slide.

So why haven't you met? This is too much back and forth. Also do your research but then just decide to go further or not. Do not confront people with your findings.

I think it’s just the scary unknown of meeting someone online, starting to tell them about myself, and then I give stuff away and they don’t, or they lie.

I don’t care that he was previously engaged. I do try to find people online when I start talking to them, so I can gauge that they are who they say they are. I usually always find that the people check out and are fine and everything is okay.

It’s that when I searched online for him, he looks engaged and has all engagement photos online. I thought he was on this dating site while he was still engaged or even married. I had started telling him about my job, my life, and interests, and here he was committed to someone else. I was opening up while he was not single.

Now I know, well truthfully I really don’t know. But he preaches he’s single and not engaged at this time.

He doesn’t think I’m a total psycho for stalking him online. I think he finds it more attractive at this point, which is very weird. I’m great with computers and he sees me as tech savvy and smart, which is more appealing to him.

This to me cries red flag for him on you. I had someone dig up all my information that i would tell them straight up. They told me they searched and I was like geez this is not something i wanted to deal with, when we only had one date.

It's like a power play to dig into his life and then throw it at him. Not even a date in and you're questioning things instead of enjoying the time of getting to know each other.

Just out of curiosity......do you see anything at all wrong with your own self and your behavior?

I thought the same thing. I guess that digging every possible detail about his life is really the red flag here. I mean, you are meeting a guy online and thinking about calling him out due to a ticket he got? And I don't really think there is anything to be shoked about, she is a nurse and not his therapist. It seems that everything you know about him came from online stalking than from actual conversation. I would advice you to cut all the stalking and, if you are interested, actually go out and get to know him by having a healthy conversation.

OP - why have most of your relationships ended? Just curious....

Well the first guy I ever truly fell for wasn't ready, didn’t want a committed relationship at the time. He acted like he liked me and did nice things for me, and dated me, but the commitment was never there. I chased him, which I now know is wrong. I just kept trying to remind him of what I had to offer, and how great I was, which backfired. I wanted it to work. The chemistry was there, but he wouldn’t step up. He ruined me. Manipulated me, lied to me, and made me feel bad about myself at times. Kept me around and acted like my boyfriend at times, then ignored me and acted like a strange other times. He literally told me that I was the type of person he saw himself with in the long run. How his mother would love me so much. But he wouldn't commit. When I would push for more, he would tell me he needed time and how he falls in love is that he just wakes up one day and realizes he loves the person and will chase them to the end of the earth. He never woke up and loved me. I hung on, on and off for three years. I still have anxiety over it. If any guy says something or exhibits something similar to what he did, I immediately get defensive. I hate being this way.

My last relationship was actually a good one. We were friends, then dated, then got into a relationship. It naturally progressed. We had so much fun together. We knew each other so well inside and out. I was in love with my best friend. Where I had issues was with his lifestyle. He didn't have a nice supportive family like my family, which I didn't care about, but sometimes would complain or find it hard to understand when I would want to be close to my own family. I would spend a weekend away with my family once a month and he would complain that I wasn't around for him and I should be with him and his friends all the time. Culturally we were so different, that I was unsure how my family would react to me bringing him home. I care a lot about perceptions, how people see me, and my family’s opinion. I am very close with them. Lastly, he lived a very young life. I worked a full time 9-5 job. He worked full time, but all different hours every day and never early in the morning. He loved not having to wake up early, and he would spend nights out with his friends until 3-4 Am, while I was at home asleep, because I have priorities. He even recently gave up an opportunity to work a more stable job, because of the regular 9-5 hours. He was worried about how it would affect his social life. Lastly our downfall came with intimacy. He didn’t think sex was all that special, whereas I did. He literally just thought of it as a piece of a**. He had been with many women so it was like second nature to him. I don’t expect romance and magic every time. But I do like to think it is somewhat special being with the person. You are physically and emotionally connected. I struggled knowing that us having sex meant literally nothing to him. So when we would get intimate together, I would always have his lackluster attitude in the back of my head and I didn't feel sexy or into it myself. I know it didn’t mean absolutely nothing to him, but it meant the same with ever vagina he had ever had. So we broke up.

I think my issues lie with me. I don’t like guys that are clingy, so I often am attracted to very independent successful men who are either not emotionally available or just not in the right place to be in a relationship. Because a relationship isn’t their priority, they aren’t clingy and pushy. I don’t like to feel pressured. But in the end I get hurt, because these men either can’t commit or aren’t settled down for commitment with someone. I recently met a guy online through mutual friends. He’s great. My type exactly. He pursued me by texting daily and flirting. He is smart, cute, talented. But right now he lives 4 hours away at graduate school. He will come back here once he is graduated, but that is not until next year. And he could meet someone closer to him in that time, or decide to not come back home here. We still talk all the time and I like him, but he isn’t in the place to be in a relationship since he is far away. I feel he holds me at arm’s length trying to keep me around, but not too close because he can’t give me what I want. He’s hinted this to me.

I haven’t been with anyone since my ex a year ago. I finally joined online dating to put myself out there and see if I could meet some new people. I’m sick of being alone sometimes and want to have someone there for me. But I don’t want just anyone.

These may be better dating apps for you.

A new Tinder competitor runs criminal background checks on your dates.

Full article: [url="

Excerpt:

"Gatsby, a new swiping-based mobile dating app, promises to make such concerns a thing of the past. The app, which went live Wednesday, puts potential romantic partners though a criminal background check.

Based on profile information, Gatsby searches publicly available databases -- you know, sex offender registries and other criminal records -- to make sure lawbreakers stay out of your dating pool. Every month, it rescans so you'll get the latest on someone who may have gone from casual date to serious.

In February 2016, the UK's National Crime Agency said rapes linked to online dating rose to 184 in 2014 from 33 in 2009. The agency said online relationships tend to advance quickly, which might give one member the impression it's further along than the other thinks.

In 2011, Match.com agreed to weed out sex offenders, a decision it made after a California woman sued the dating site after she was sexually assaulted by a man she met through the site. eHarmony also scans for sex offenders.

Stud or Dud lets users search publicly available records for information like criminal background, marital status, bankruptcies and tax records"

He did send a follow up message saying “So let’s try this again. Hi, I’m John, a previously engaged school teacher, who is no longer engaged due to differences in opinion. I’m very interested in meeting someone smart, pretty, and good at being a computer detective. “

This seems like a really nice text. I'm not sure what you want from this guy. You seemed determined to dig up some dirt .... but everyone has a past you know.

So he has been engaged before, so he has had mental health issues before, so his ex was a nurse. (I'm not sure why that would freak you out so much. I'm sure their break up had a lot more to do than the mental health issues alone.) If you dig deep enough into anyone's life you can find something that you could let stress you out. As long as he still isn't engaged then I don't see what the harm is in meeting him and getting to know him properly.

To be honest, if I were him, I would see your behaviour as possible red flags!

I'm all for being careful .... but I think you are taking things way too far. What you have come up with seem at all unusual.

What's the time frame you're talking about here? If you want to do extensive background checks on some dude you just met, that's fine, but I wouldn't expect ANYONE to be blurting out they once had a fiance, a DUI stop, and mental health issue right out the gate? That's just not reasonable, and frankly your expectations are so out of whack I probably wouldn't want to be involved with that.

P.S. His ex being a nurse is completely irrelevant. I know many nurses and many of them are extremely jaded and no-nonsense with people's problems, and don't want to be care-takers "off the clock." That is one of the LEAST surprising professions I can think of for that kind of situation.

What is a huge concern to me is that you took it upon yourself to digitally stalk this guy for no reason. Why did you feel the need to do such extensive detective work? Do you see anything wrong with that type of behaviour? I do and sure we've all been there, but I have to say that I've never looked into someone I've never met before. Has he given you any reason to not trust him? He was right when he said it was too early on to bring up such a topic to a women he just started conversing with. I'm writing this without reading the entire thread, so if I miss something I will be sure to address it.

It's ok to do some homework like google or social media search. Probably a lot of people do that out of curiosity.

However it would creep me out if someone had a dossier about me on or before the first date and interrogated me about it..

All I did was a simple google search, which pulled up his facebook rather quickly, which was filled with him being engaged to another woman and ready to be married. I didn't have to dig deep at all. I think everyone tries to find the person on facebook. No one wants to be catfished or lied to. Its human curiosity. I didn't say anything to him about me seeing his DUI or anything else, just the engagement which was very prominent. My concern was when I saw his facebook, and saw that he didn't look like a single man. That affects me, as I was talking and putting myself out there for someone who is a liar.

How did you find the dui?

All I did was a simple google search, which pulled up his facebook rather quickly, which was filled with him being engaged to another woman and ready to be married. I didn't have to dig deep at all. I think everyone tries to find the person on facebook. No one wants to be catfished or lied to. Its human curiosity. I didn't say anything to him about me seeing his DUI or anything else, just the engagement which was very prominent. My concern was when I saw his facebook, and saw that he didn't look like a single man. That affects me, as I was talking and putting myself out there for someone who is a liar.

I get that. I have too looked up peoples facebook for a date but I never revealed my knowledge of things i saw. I had an ex gf I met through match and she had her ex bf with some picture listed as her man. I didn't let it bother me or bring it up because i invested in getting to know her.

You can research it but advise not to bring it up. If you have let him done it on his own you risk the chance of feeling duped and he won't feel so awkward around you.

Personally, I'm not all that scandalized over your internet sleuthing. I'd probably do the same.

The Facebook photos and previous engagement are a concern. The DUI is a concern. But you don't have any commitment to this guy, so you're not trapped by these things. You haven't even met yet, so why not just meet in person somewhere and get to know him a little.

Then there is this :

"In an effort to bring transparency back into the dating world, Stud or Dud today announced the launch of a mobile app that helps users learn more about a potential date before meeting in person. Stud or Dud, which is now available in the Apple App Store, accesses publically available records to provide users peace of mind that the person they are dating was worth the swipe right.

A 2011 study by the University of Wisconsin-Madison found that approximately 81 percent of people using online dating sites lie in their profile, while 30 percent of Tinder users are actually married. Stud or Dud lets users search using a person's name, phone number or email address to reveal criminal records, property ownership, court records, marital status and professional background, helping create a safer, more transparent online dating community.

"Americans spend thousands of hours swiping and chatting with people via Tinder, Bumble and other online dating sites and apps, so our goal was to provide a free and fun app that made dating in the 21st century safe and transparent," said Amber Higgins, President of Stud or Dud. "Nearly one-third of all online daters do their own background checks about potential dates before meeting them. Stud or Dud preserves the butterflies and excitement of the dating experience while helping users protect themselves from a potential dud."

By accessing online public information, Stud or Dud instantly searches through millions of records and aggregates it into the Stud or Dud app, showcasing the probability of a potential date already being married, as well as:

Criminal records, including sex offender records and traffic offenses

Property ownership, including home value, foreclosures and evictions

Court records, including tax liens, judgments, and bankruptcies

Work records, including business records, professional licenses, DEA license and FAA pilot and aircraft ownership

Once a user analyzes the information, they have the ability to privately rank a potential date as a stud or a dud, helping the 15 percent of Americans using online dating sites or apps find the person of their dreams."

Nobody needs to tell you to worry about the guy--you're doing it anyway.

All I did was a simple google search, which pulled up his facebook rather quickly, which was filled with him being engaged to another woman and ready to be married. I didn't have to dig deep at all. I think everyone tries to find the person on facebook. No one wants to be catfished or lied to. Its human curiosity. I didn't say anything to him about me seeing his DUI or anything else, just the engagement which was very prominent. My concern was when I saw his facebook, and saw that he didn't look like a single man. That affects me, as I was talking and putting myself out there for someone who is a liar.

Fair enough. There's nothing wrong with checking out someone's FB profile. I'm just somewhat baffled by your reactions. I mean most people have an ex. I have an ex-husband.

You said that he didn't look like a single man - but now you know he is and that hs is ready to get out there and meet that special lady again.

You also know he has a DUI and has had a mental health issue in the past.

None of the above is extraordinary. They are only issues if you make them issues. They don't need to be.

My dad has a DUI. He popped into his local pub to have a glass of wine for a friend's birthday. It was only the one glass but he realises now that it was most likely topped up without him realising. A police car just happened to be driving by as he left the pub car park and and saw that he had a broken back light. They stopped him to tell him, decided they could smell alcohol on him and breathalised him. The breathaliser was on the cusp and didn't give a definitive answer so they ordered him to have a blood test. The blood test showed him to be ever so slightly over the limit. Nevertheless, he was over the limit, no matter why or by how much and he paid his dues .... but he doesn't deserve to be hung, drawn and quartered for it. Not that you seem to have taken issue with that anyway. What I am trying to say, however, is that we all have a story or two to tell and you need to get to know someone properly .... over time ... before you can judge them so fiercely on anything from their past ....otherwise you're just making up your own versions of them.

The whole "nurse" thing, I don't really get. She's still a person with feelings. If she was done with the relationship then it is as simple as that. That is a complete non-issue and I find it rather odd that you have made something from that. Maybe he pushed her away to the point of no return. Maybe she stuck it out for as long as she could. Who knows, the point is everyone has a history, especially when it comes to relationships and break-ups, and I don't see anything that is alarming in what you have "uncovered".

I have to be honest, OP, I find your reactions quite astonishing .....

...... Issue is, when I go on his Facebook, he has all these photos of him and his dog, which he told me about, and a girl, whom later is identified as his fiancée. I couldn’t believe my eyes. How could someone who is happily getting married, be on match.com ? How low can you be to do that? The most recent photo of them was from March 2016 though, so I was highly confused. I figured at this point he was a scum bag. I was not about to be someone’s other woman.

 

..... This shocked me because my friend and I did more digging and saw she was a nurse. So she knows the health system, how things work, and I’m shocked someone like that wouldn’t stick around.

 

.... My concern was when I saw his facebook, and saw that he didn't look like a single man. That affects me, as I was talking and putting myself out there for someone who is a liar

 

..... I mean this is deep stuff. Stuff I don’t know if I want to be involved in

I don't think any of this is deep stuff. I find your reactions a little bit over-the-top. No-one can go through life without a little mishap here or having made a wrong decision there .... and a few ex's thrown in for good measure. Life is one big adventure and learning curve for all of us and we will notch up a few mistakes here and there. It's not necessarily the mistakes that define us as a person ... it's how we deal with them and learn from them.

You have jumped to many conclusions without really knowing anything and have made mountains out of molehills.

What you have learned is that he was once engaged, has had a mental health issue in the past and a DUI. None of these things are that deep. Not when you look into the complex nature of most people's lives. Yet you are still referring to him as a liar.

There's being careful and then there's muckraking.

He's talking about a DUI and mental health issues on facebook?

Well he and I have been talking for a few days now. Leaving all the stuff behind. I went on his Facebook and he took all of it off. She isn't in any of his photos and his Facebook is totally different. He doesn't know that I saw he has a DUI. I figure that if we continue talking and he wants to tell me, he will.

He seems very nice so far. The mental health issue does concern me, but so far he works with children and seems to be pretty solid. He was giving me a play by play of his day at work and kept asking about me and wanting to know stuff. It was refreshing. He even teased me about being an online wizard.

He just asked me out on a date. He asked if I wanted to go out to dinner, hiking, or out for drinks.

I don't know which is better. The out for drinks is something I would normally do, because its casual, but since I know about his past, it concerns me. Dinner could be good, but I'm nervous about it since its all face to face talking and serious. Hiking could be really fun and since there is stuff to see, it could make for good conversation, but then again, I could be stuck on a mountain with him if he's a weird guy. Not sure what to do?