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My mother tries to control and dictate my parenting and tries to parent my son


kparrow12

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My mother has always been a very controlling individual. Growing up she was always in control of everything. Very strict. Very dictative towards everyone, husband, boyfriends, kids, parents, siblings. Everything had to be her way and if it wasn't she would FLIP out. She's still like that. She will FLIP her lid if someone tries to put her in her place or tell her she's wrong about something. I've never heard that woman say sorry for anything in the 23 years I've been alive. Never not once. She doesn't know boundaries. I have a 2 year old son and I understand the difference between being a smothering push over grandmother. But she will literally tell me how to parent my son. Tell me what I'm doing wrong. What I need to do better. Bought me parenting books. Tells me I'm a bad mom. Tells me because I put my son in time out that I neglect him and cps can be called on me for over disciplining him. I have never hit my son I do not believe in hitting children for discipline. I do put my son in time out, I have put a dab of hot sauce on his tongue for swearing, I have taken toys away and given him no tv. My mother continues to tell me how to be a mom and it is driving me INSANE. I currently live with her so it's almost unbearable! It's always "you're gonna give him a bath right?" "I think you should take him to the doctors" "did he eat dinner?" Just stupid no brainer questions like I'm some kind of moron and haven't raised him for 2 years already. What on earth do I do? Any time I tell her she's over stepping she FLIPS out like OFF the walls and calls everyone crazy. I don't even know what else to do. It's the most aggravating thing in the entire world to me. The list goes on with the amount of overstepping she does...ugh.

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You're engaged, right? So that means you will be moving out of your mother's home very soon, correct?

 

Your mother probably will never change. So, I would just continue to parent as you see fit until you move out for good. Let her throw her fits. Ironically, she's probably acting more immature than your two year old!

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The answer ideally is to move. I have to ask though how a two-year-old knows how to swear ? They do tell you ideally just not respond because obviously they're doing it for a response . Since they don't know what those words mean it is just for a response . Ideally a two-year-old should only have two minutes of time out of any kind of grounding otherwise it becomes ineffective because the time factor becomes too long . Never make the discipline factor longer than the person can comprehend .

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The answer ideally is to move. I have to ask though how a two-year-old knows how to swear ? They do tell you ideally just not respond because obviously they're doing it for a response . Since they don't know what those words mean it is just for a response . Ideally a two-year-old should only have two minutes of time out of any kind of grounding otherwise it becomes ineffective because the time factor becomes too long . Never make the discipline factor longer than the person can comprehend .

 

Because at his dad's house he has no rules so he comes home every other weekend with something new he's never said or done.

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Honestly, some of your techniques legit are pretty crap. A two-year old can't comprehend the idea behind a time-out, which isn't meant to be for disciplinary purposes anyhow. It's meant to be employed constructively, as a tool to help them develop self-soothing techniques. Additionally, he is not going to know what a curse word is. So not only is hot saucing his tongue abusive (even if mildly so), but it's unnecessary as well. I mean do you plan on starting with the cold showers once he turns 3?

 

Especially considering the fact his father's home is, according to you, pretty devoid of rules or structure, you can imagine how much more of a loop it throws this kid through when he goes from uncontrolled environment to excessively punitive.

 

You need to empathize a bit and realize your kid's not even as intelligent as a dog right now. All he knows is that mommy makes his tongue sting when he's simply making a fun sound, sticks him in a corner, and takes away his toys. There's no rhyme or reason in his mind yet. Take it easy and take your mother up on her offer to read some books. And, actually, she might be happy to watch him if you can take some very basic level early childhood development classes at your local community college.

 

I do think she's being incredibly hyperbolic with the whole CPS angle, but I can't say she's completely wrong about everything.

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Honestly, some of your techniques legit are pretty crap. A two-year old can't comprehend the idea behind a time-out, which isn't meant to be for disciplinary purposes anyhow. It's meant to be employed constructively, as a tool to help them develop self-soothing techniques. Additionally, he is not going to know what a curse word is. So not only is hot saucing his tongue abusive (even if mildly so), but it's unnecessary as well. I mean do you plan on starting with the cold showers once he turns 3?

 

Especially considering the fact his father's home is, according to you, pretty devoid of rules or structure, you can imagine how much more of a loop it throws this kid through when he goes from uncontrolled environment to excessively punitive.

 

You need to empathize a bit and realize your kid's not even as intelligent as a dog right now. All he knows is that mommy makes his tongue sting when he's simply making a fun sound, sticks him in a corner, and takes away his toys. There's no rhyme or reason in his mind yet. Take it easy and take your mother up on her offer to read some books. And, actually, she might be happy to watch him if you can take some very basic level early childhood development classes at your local community college.

 

I do think she's being incredibly hyperbolic with the whole CPS angle, but I can't say she's completely wrong about everything.

 

I appreciate your parenting advice although my post was nothing about my parenting it was about my mother, however my son is a VERY intelligent child. He speaks fluently. He knows right from wrong. And he DOES know how to use swear words in the right sense. He knows how to use any word in the right sense. All of which he learned from his fathers house where like I said there are no rules. And furthermore I do not care if my child is 2 or 22 if he's doing something wrong I'm not going to look the other way. That does nothing in my opinion but show them it's okay to do whatever they're doing. While co parenting is in fact very tough, the rules at each parents house are going to be different and in my house, swearing isn't tolerated. I have rules. That's why my kid knows the word respect. That's why I can take my son in public and not have to worry he's going to embarrass me. My son is not by any means bad or out of control he's very well behaved and that's what he's learned in my house, from me. My post was directed at my mother butting into my business and trying to take control of any situation in my life which is what caused me to post the frustrated post that I did. Not my son...

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She is nagging you and you are taking it out on him with your discipline, which is really for your enjoyment, not to teach him anything. It sounds like the abuse is just being passed from one generation to the next as it often is. Even if it's prominently emotional abuse.

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I appreciate your parenting advice although my post was nothing about my parenting it was about my mother, however my son is a VERY intelligent child. He speaks fluently. He knows right from wrong. And he DOES know how to use swear words in the right sense. He knows how to use any word in the right sense. All of which he learned from his fathers house where like I said there are no rules. And furthermore I do not care if my child is 2 or 22 if he's doing something wrong I'm not going to look the other way. That does nothing in my opinion but show them it's okay to do whatever they're doing. While co parenting is in fact very tough, the rules at each parents house are going to be different and in my house, swearing isn't tolerated. I have rules. That's why my kid knows the word respect. That's why I can take my son in public and not have to worry he's going to embarrass me. My son is not by any means bad or out of control he's very well behaved and that's what he's learned in my house, from me. My post was directed at my mother butting into my business and trying to take control of any situation in my life which is what caused me to post the frustrated post that I did. Not my son...
Your kid is two years old. I don't care how much you want to treat him as though his brain is 10 steps ahead of the game. It's not. You're punishing him like this because it's lazy parenting, simple as that. It's 2017, not 1985. You have the internet. You have decades of science behind childhood development. Pouring hot sauce on his tongue because 'ma used to do it is no longer cute. It's abusive. But, hey, at least your kid doesn't cry at the grocery store and "embarrass you."
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Your mother's question are not unreasonable. You live with your mother, which kind of keeps her in a mothering role to you.

 

What on earth do I do?

 

What to do? Stay calm and don't take it personally. She cares about your son, her grandson.

 

You can answer her (Yes, I'm planning on giving him a bath later) and change the subject. No need to "flip" out on her.

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How about being a full grown independent parent before acting like your 2y old is a genius. Im the father of a 2.5 y kid and your parenting triggers me so much.

 

More than that I assume your situation is temporary since father is out of the picture... that does challenge a kid and make it harder for him to assess what rules he needs too play. Guide the kid... and put yourself in a situation where you can give constance to him before debating "optimal parenting"

 

Your mom is giving you a hint you can't seem to have the humility to acknowledge

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Your mother's question are not unreasonable. You live with your mother, which kind of keeps her in a mothering role to you.

 

 

 

What to do? Stay calm and don't take it personally. She cares about your son, her grandson.

 

You can answer her (Yes, I'm planning on giving him a bath later) and change the subject. No need to "flip" out on her.

 

The only person to give actual advice about the topic of discussion and not lash out at me for how I choose to parent, thank you so much. I honestly really appreciate it. Whether you agree with it or not you understood what the post was about. Again thank you.

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Let me get this straight in the other thread we got a bit more information:

 

Your son is 2 years old you are no longer with the father and are living with ur mom. then in another thread you started:

 

My fiancé and I have been together for about a year now and maybe it's just a comfortability thing but I find myself getting annoyed at him for little things that shouldn't even bother me at all. It's not just him though it's been bfs in the past too. Idk how to control it or even talk myself down from it in the moment but I don't want to be the person who gets mad over dumb stuff. I just mentally cannot help it. How do I stop this or control it? Any advise will help.

 

Now ur fiance is also making rage over small stuff too? Am I the only one seeing a pattern?

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Honestly the best thing would be to give therapy a shot to address your anger. I'm sure your mom will come up a lot once you get talking, and you'd get the guidance you want/ need to deal with this situation.

 

Will you be living with your mom long? Do you have a reliable income of your own?

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Honestly the best thing would be to give therapy a shot to address your anger. I'm sure your mom will come up a lot once you get talking, and you'd get the guidance you want/ need to deal with this situation.

 

Will you be living with your mom long? Do you have a reliable income of your own?

 

I'm not an angry person. Lol I have triggers, sure, but so does everyone. Mine just happens to be how smothering people can be. And it turned into a rage of what a "lazy" and "old fashioned" mother I am who lives at home, when the post wasn't even directed at my sons "terrible twos" or my finances or my fiancé for that matter but more so towards my mothers overbearing ways. The sad part is tht aside from your response along with maybe two other people's, I didn't gain a thing from this post or this app. All people ever seem to do on here is throw disrespect and negativity instead of guidance and help which is what people come on here to ask for. People go on here to look for reassuring perspective from outside people in a motivating way not get what all these people give them which is blame, disrespect, interrogation, and judgmental views on how they live their lives. People make posts because they don't know how to feel. They're down, they're hurt, they're confused, they're sad about something that to them, is a serious situation in their lives. I've obviously read people's responses on my posts that clearly to them are ridiculous and stupid so sure they're gonna be rude towards them and sure maybe my posts aren't as serious as other people's. But speaking for the people who do have serious things going on in their lives who try and ask for help through an app instead of therapy or medicine because it's easier for them. Have some compassion people. Some empathy. Have a friggen heart for people who are asking for help IN THEIR OWN WAYS. Before commenting and putting any of your opinions in realize that a person is NEVER wrong for how they feel. Your deliberate disrespectful opinions do not help people, it makes it worse. Why would anyone want to be someone who makes someone's situation worse because they don't know how to help and be there for someone. You all came on this app for a reason. Remember that when you're disrespecting someone about a personal issue they felt comfortable enough to share. Smh...

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I'm not an angry person. Lol I have triggers, sure, but so does everyone. Mine just happens to be how smothering people can be. And it turned into a rage of what a "lazy" and "old fashioned" mother I am who lives at home, when the post wasn't even directed at my sons "terrible twos" or my finances or my fiancé for that matter but more so towards my mothers overbearing ways. The sad part is tht aside from your response along with maybe two other people's, I didn't gain a thing from this post or this app. All people ever seem to do on here is throw disrespect and negativity instead of guidance and help which is what people come on here to ask for. People go on here to look for reassuring perspective from outside people in a motivating way not get what all these people give them which is blame, disrespect, interrogation, and judgmental views on how they live their lives. People make posts because they don't know how to feel. They're down, they're hurt, they're confused, they're sad about something that to them, is a serious situation in their lives. I've obviously read people's responses on my posts that clearly to them are ridiculous and stupid so sure they're gonna be rude towards them and sure maybe my posts aren't as serious as other people's. But speaking for the people who do have serious things going on in their lives who try and ask for help through an app instead of therapy or medicine because it's easier for them. Have some compassion people. Some empathy. Have a friggen heart for people who are asking for help IN THEIR OWN WAYS. Before commenting and putting any of your opinions in realize that a person is NEVER wrong for how they feel. Your deliberate disrespectful opinions do not help people, it makes it worse. Why would anyone want to be someone who makes someone's situation worse because they don't know how to help and be there for someone. You all came on this app for a reason. Remember that when you're disrespecting someone about a personal issue they felt comfortable enough to share. Smh...
My triggers include when parents are abusive toward their kids. Funny how someone can demand empathy while they force hot sauce on their own toddler's tongue.

 

You do need anger management, particularly if your child simply being a child "triggers" you into inflicting physical and emotional duress on him when he's all but two years out of the womb. If this is how spiteful you act when a child lacks the cognition to reason out his actions and is simply being a reflexive spaz like two-year olds are supposed to be, I can't imagine how you'll react when he does start acting consciously defiant.

 

Sorry, but Quidam was spot on. If you want your mother to treat you like an adult, you need to actually grow up. Parenting properly would be a good start. And that's not said to be an ass. As I said before, I'm against your mother threatening to bring CPS into the picture. Your child benefits the most from having you around. But you need to shape up.

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Other posters here have their issues as well. Even the regular ones. They have their triggers too. All faillible people. For me my trigger is the severe child abuse I suffered from my dad and his family. I have PTSD from that. EVERY ONE here has issues that drew them here. Right? What if you caught someone on a crap day? I find a lot of first time posters or really early members have the sense that long time posters or regular members have no problems no issues no bad days and really we are just here to be a jerk. What?

 

We are all just fallible people . All with issues.

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My triggers include when parents are abusive toward their kids. Funny how someone can demand empathy while they force hot sauce on their own toddler's tongue.

 

You do need anger management, particularly if your child simply being a child "triggers" you into inflicting physical and emotional duress on him when he's all but two years out of the womb. If this is how spiteful you act when a child lacks the cognition to reason out his actions and is simply being a reflexive spaz like two-year olds are supposed to be, I can't imagine how you'll react when he does start acting consciously defiant.

 

Sorry, but Quidam was spot on. If you want your mother to treat you like an adult, you need to actually grow up. Parenting properly would be a good start. And that's not said to be an ass. As I said before, I'm against your mother threatening to bring CPS into the picture. Your child benefits the most from having you around. But you need to shape up.

 

You tell me at what point I "forced" hot sauce down my child's threat. Please. Because if you read back it specifically says "I HAVE" (as in past tense not every time he acts like the 2 year old he's supposed to but once maybe twice) "PUT A DAB" (as in a drop on my finger not a spoonful, not dumped it down his throat like you insist I do). I'm sorry that I believe in discipline. I'm sorry that I don't turn my head when my kid does something wrong. That's not bad parenting that's disciplining your child.

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You tell me at what point I "forced" hot sauce down my child's threat. Please. Because if you read back it specifically says "I HAVE" (as in past tense not every time he acts like the 2 year old he's supposed to but once maybe twice) "PUT A DAB" (as in a drop on my finger not a spoonful, not dumped it down his throat like you insist I do). I'm sorry that I believe in discipline. I'm sorry that I don't turn my head when my kid does something wrong. That's not bad parenting that's disciplining your child.

 

Right, you said " I have put a dab of hot sauce on his tongue for swearing", a dab, and j.man also did not mention a spoon or your son's throat. So you see, reading someone else's text online can be construed in different ways. Perhaps the judgement is going both ways. If you come across as angry and touchy it will affect how people dole advice. It doesn't hurt to clarify things, but take a breath if you can, and understand parenting is always a tricky issue among people. Whether you force the hot sauce or not may be a matter of perspective. Is the punishment an option, do you let your son accept it or refuse it? You don't have to answer that, as your thread is not about that in particular. But it is about your mother's view of your parenting, so other's giving their perspective is pertinent.

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Two year olds repeat what they hear. If they hear a swear word - they don't know its a "bad" word - they simply heard it somewhere and parrot it back. if you ignore it, they will not say it again. if you laugh at it, or they keep hearing it, they will continue to say it. Putting hot sauce on a tongue - a two year old only associates it with a bad taste or their parent inflicting pain. No matter how evolved your toddler is = they just don't completely understand WHY a bad word is a bad word. They might parrot back what you told them about it, but they don't truly understand consequences like a 6 year old. I don't care how far they test off the charts intellectually. A toddler does not succeeed when the punishment is seperation. Why not PLAY with your child for a change.

 

If you don't want your child to do something bad, teach them something GOOD to do. They will choose behavior that they are rewarded for (parent continues the conversation with them, they get to stay in the parents presence, etc)

 

The time outs are better than a slap on the mouth - but they are not really going to be effective because of his age.

a 5 year old understands what putting things on pause means. when a 2 year old takes a time out, they are just sitting there not truly able to change their actions going forward. Redirecting a child and showing them good things to do and praising for it will get you way farther at this age.

 

At any rate, i think because the father has no rules, you are over compensating by having various rules and punishments that your toddler in no way can use to change future behavior. your child may be ahead when it comes to numbers or colors, but no matter how advanced, can't philosophize like an adult.

 

The best course of action for you is to start communicating with your ex and agree on parenting rules and to move out of your mom's house. But mom has a point. If you are not bathing your son and giving 2 year old time outs instead of educating him on what's right - maybe you should heed some of her advice - I think because you think Mom is a know it all, you assume EVERYTHING she says must be wrong and that's not completely true.

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Two year olds repeat what they hear. If they hear a swear word - they don't know its a "bad" word - they simply heard it somewhere and parrot it back. if you ignore it, they will not say it again. if you laugh at it, or they keep hearing it, they will continue to say it. Putting hot sauce on a tongue - a two year old only associates it with a bad taste or their parent inflicting pain. No matter how evolved your toddler is = they just don't completely understand WHY a bad word is a bad word. They might parrot back what you told them about it, but they don't truly understand consequences like a 6 year old. I don't care how far they test off the charts intellectually. A toddler does not succeeed when the punishment is seperation. Why not PLAY with your child for a change.

 

If you don't want your child to do something bad, teach them something GOOD to do. They will choose behavior that they are rewarded for (parent continues the conversation with them, they get to stay in the parents presence, etc)

 

The time outs are better than a slap on the mouth - but they are not really going to be effective because of his age.

a 5 year old understands what putting things on pause means. when a 2 year old takes a time out, they are just sitting there not truly able to change their actions going forward. Redirecting a child and showing them good things to do and praising for it will get you way farther at this age.

 

At any rate, i think because the father has no rules, you are over compensating by having various rules and punishments that your toddler in no way can use to change future behavior. your child may be ahead when it comes to numbers or colors, but no matter how advanced, can't philosophize like an adult.

 

The best course of action for you is to start communicating with your ex and agree on parenting rules and to move out of your mom's house. But mom has a point. If you are not bathing your son and giving 2 year old time outs instead of educating him on what's right - maybe you should heed some of her advice - I think because you think Mom is a know it all, you assume EVERYTHING she says must be wrong and that's not completely true.

 

I appreciate this a lot actually. People get a lot further when they aren't being attacked. And maybe I didn't clarify in my original post but I give my son a bath every night. It's "tubby time" he loves the bath. The bath isn't an issue. It's just not always at the same times. Sometimes it could be 7 right before bed or sometimes it's 4 right before dinner. Or sometimes it's mid day and I've already given him a bath because he got dirty enough outside playing where he needed one. So if my mother sees me giving him a bath at 4 one day and it's 5 o clock the next day she's asking me if I'm giving him a bath and tht annoys me because it's almost like she asks me in a controlling sense. She's also not always home till 9pm some nights so she doesn't realize that he gets a bath every night. I do work I just don't work full time because child care is expensive and not only that but my sons only little for so long and before you know it he'll be in school and at that point I'd go back full time. I want to spend as much time with him as I can right now. And that means that most days it's nice were outside, if it's not nice out we're inside on the floor looking at books, or lining up his cars, or playing with kitchen spoons or whisks or any other kitchen utensil that wouldn't hurt him. It fascinates him. We watch movies he loves and tv shows he enjoys. We sit down together for breakfast lunch and dinner most nights and he enjoys his time with me and I don't want to take that away from him by sticking him in a daycare if I can afford for him to be home with me. He's very attached to me. And that doesn't come from me "abusing" him because I have never and would never abuse my son. Time outs are only for as long as he is old, which is two minutes. And he's doctor is the one who explained is perfectly acceptable. And after that I just explain those aren't nice words and we don't use them and we continue playing. The only time he really acts up is when he comes home from his dad's and that'll last a day or two. Anyone in my house who slips on a swear word and he repeats it, I can't scold him for that because it's not his fault. Adults should know not to swear in front of a child who right now acts as a sponge and soaks up everything. He never gets scolded for an adults actions. But back to my mother, what I was trying to explain and maybe I was on edge when I made the post because it was fresh. For example I believe in good nutrition for kids so I don't want my son having cookies and left over birthday cake for breakfast and my mom knows tht but she'll overparent or over step rules I've set and give him that stuff anyways. When I've asked not to and her response is "grandmas don't have rules look it up" wouldn't it just be easier to abide by the rules I've set and just give him the cookies and milk or any other dessert AFTER breakfast when it's totally appropriate for a child to be eating that stuff instead of causing the tension? I believe 2 year olds should take a nap everyday. Any parent on here would probably agree without a nap they are little demons on wheels lol when he's with me I have no issues at all getting him to take a nap at 11:30 every day. We climb in my bed and snuggle up and watch a movie and he falls asleep. Easy 2-3 hour nap. If I do happen to be working and my mom is watching him she doesn't think he needs a nap. So he doesn't have one and I come home and he's either raising complete hell because he's cranky or to him taking a nap at 6 o clock at night and than he's up until midnight or later which aggravates me because a 2 year old doesn't need to be awake that late. There's a reason routines work for little kids and when he's broken out of his routine because "grandmas don't have rules" not only does my son suffer from that because now he's over tired or not tired at all cuz it's midnight so he's going to be tired in the morning but my mom goes to bed and gets a good night sleep and I'm the one whose up with him at night. It's things like that, that I'm talking about.

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Why are you separated, now about to be wedded again and living with your mom? All that with a 2 y old that desperately need stability?

 

Also you seem to have a hard time taking responsibility or even take a blame if one is due. At what one point some of us are wondering if you are only here looking for validation. If its the case just tell us what you want us to say!

 

I judge people on actions and circumstances they put themselves in.

 

 

I hope you can answer those 2 topics otherwise I hope you find validation you seem to crave.

 

 

Julien.

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Why are you separated, now about to be wedded again and living with your mom? All that with a 2 y old that desperately need stability?

 

Also you seem to have a hard time taking responsibility or even take a blame if one is due. At what one point some of us are wondering if you are only here looking for validation. If its the case just tell us what you want us to say!

 

I judge people on actions and circumstances they put themselves in.

 

 

I hope you can answer those 2 topics otherwise I hope you find validation you seem to crave.

 

 

Julien.

 

Me and my ex were never married and haven't been together in over two years so this would be my first time getting married. I left my sons father because he was a drunk, he was abusive and he couldn't hold a job. It wasn't an environment I wanted for my son. I moved home with my mom to get back on my feet after having my son because while I was pregnant I worked 3 jobs and went to school full time. I was exhausted. I looked for a support system, someone who could help so I didn't have to do it alone. My family was a huge support system. I don't crave anything and especially not from a site where people just come for advise and don't actually know anything about each other. There are many things I have done wrong in my life and many things I've learned from. Nobody is a perfect parent and many people are bad parents. I don't fall in the category of either. I'm a mother who is doing everything she can to give her son exactly what he needs to succeed in life. And if he was in my shoes and lived home given any circumstance he was in I'd support him like my mom supports me. My post wasn't about my families support, or my parenting, or my love life, or my financial situation. It was about the boundaries I set as a mom that my mom seems to continue to overstep and what I did not ask for was a judgmental interrogation from people who can't seem to understand that but more so an outside perspective on what for the mean time I could do to ease that tension. Does that answer all of your questions?

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