10 year old daughter is being a terror.

My daughter's behavior has been on a steady decline for the past 4 years or so. She's 10, now, and is extremely disrespectful, argumentative and disobedient.

I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing works. She's been grounded from electronics, including her phone, for a couple of months, now. On her last weekend visit, I ended up taking the door off of her room due to the disrespect.

Today, she took almost two hours to do 10 minutes of work on a chore that she didn't complete yesterday. Because of this, I told her she was going to do another chore because of her attitude and arguing.

She stressed herself out so much, crying and being angry that she was asked to do a chore, that she gave herself a headache and what could only be considered stress nausea, then threw up.

Now, she's refusing to do the other chore because she doesn't feel good. I even let her rest for a while after vomiting, because I know it's taxing physically.

I'm at my wits end..I feel bad about the lengths that I've had to go to in order to stop her behavior. I'm going to see a counselor so that I can get some professional insight.

My other daughter (who is 6) argues, but still does what she's asked to do. Aside from frequent grumpiness, her voice lacks the venom that my older daughters has.

Has anyone else experienced this with their children?

what methods of positive reinforcement do you provide with the kids?

Is she a child who lives with one parent and visits the other? That can cause huge stress to a child of 10. You could start by taking her to the doctor to make sure there is no physical problem. If she is physically well then a counsellor should be next. Does she have a female adult or older sister or aunt or teacher or other person she can talk to?

A couple things...

Kids don't act out behaviorally unless there is some imbalance in the family dynamic. It's very clear her is a major power struggle taking place here, and therefore a lack of leadership in the family when it comes to consistent discipline.

Why is she given a cell phone? Why would a 10 year old need one? It should be taught and used as a communication tool, not a plaything. As a former teacher, I couldn't stand seeing 11 year olds pulling out their phones in class because mom and dad didn't bother teaching their children that it's not a toy.. They were taught to self entertain themselves with a phone, and therefore the behavior carried into class time.

You did a couple things wrong with the chore:

* You were not monitoring her. She should not have been given 2 hours to complete such a short task. You should of been on top of her by checking in and given her a much shorter timeframe. If she didn't finish the task in 20 mins, no break time... No idling... You sit on her to do it.

* Never, ever punish a child by giving them an additional task. The behavior you are trying to shape is for your daughter to do it. Adding additional work is going to teach her to HATE doing chores and hate any kind of responsibility she is given by you. This will backfire.

Think about it: would your own boss throw additional work if you didn't get a task done? Then why treat her differently?

* What could of been done is breaking down the task into smaller steps. Once she completes a small task, she gets a quick break and returns to it. Give her a checklist for her to complete and she gives it to you to show she is self monitoring herself. THIS is teaching responsibility to a 10 year old. It also teaches them to be organized.

My other daughter (who is 6) argues, but still does what she's asked to do. Aside from frequent grumpiness, her voice lacks the venom that my older daughters has.

Do not let this slide. She is watching how her older sister is getting away with it and is learning to do the same behavior. And soon you will have TWO girls talking back at you or any adult.

You need to be the parent and nip this now. You need to review household rules with BOTH and discuss consequences.... And you need to follow through with it. By the time these girls become teenagers, it becomes difficult to manage their behavior. You will be engaged in power trips with them.

Your girls are learning to disrespect you as a parent. This should not be tolerated no matter how severe it is.

A couple things...

 

Kids don't act out behaviorally unless there is some imbalance in the family dynamic. It's very clear her is a major power struggle taking place here, and therefore a lack of leadership in the family when it comes to consistent discipline.

 

Why is she given a cell phone? Why would a 10 year old need one? It should be taught and used as a communication tool, not a plaything. As a former teacher, I couldn't stand seeing 11 year olds pulling out their phones in class because mom and dad didn't bother teaching their children that it's not a toy.. They were taught to self entertain themselves with a phone, and therefore the behavior carried into class time.

 

 

You did a couple things wrong with the chore:

* You were not monitoring her. She should not have been given 2 hours to complete such a short task. You should of been on top of her by checking in and given her a much shorter timeframe. If she didn't finish the task in 20 mins, no break time... No idling... You sit on her to do it.

* Never, ever punish a child by giving them an additional task. The behavior you are trying to shape is for your daughter to do it. Adding additional work is going to teach her to HATE doing chores and hate any kind of responsibility she is given by you. This will backfire.

Think about it: would your own boss throw additional work if you didn't get a task done? Then why treat her differently?

 

* What could of been done is breaking down the task into smaller steps. Once she completes a small task, she gets a quick break and returns to it. Give her a checklist for her to complete and she gives it to you to show she is self monitoring herself. THIS is teaching responsibility to a 10 year old. It also teaches them to be organized.

 

 

Do not let this slide. She is watching how her older sister is getting away with it and is learning to do the same behavior. And soon you will have TWO girls talking back at you or any adult.

 

You need to be the parent and nip this now. You need to review household rules with BOTH and discuss consequences.... And you need to follow through with it. By the time these girls become teenagers, it becomes difficult to manage their behavior. You will be engaged in power trips with them.

 

Your girls are learning to disrespect you as a parent. This should not be tolerated no matter how severe it is.

She has a phone so that (when she isn't grounded from it) she can call us...something that happened much less frequently when she didn't have a phone. It's a slider, not a smart phone. It isn't used for entertainment.

Am I to hold her hand and close her fingers around the stuff she's supposed to be cleaning? She blatantly refused to do it.

I have exhausted ALL forms of discipline. There is nothing left that I can do. EDIT: I have never struck her, nor will I (or can I, even if I was willing to).

Grounding doesn't work. Taking things away doesn't work. Nothing works.

She only visits us every other weekend, with a visit every Wednesday. Her mom actively sabotages her relationship with us.

She knows that, no matter how miserable she may feel at our house, she just has to wait it out until she goes back to her mom's house, where she'll get the "my poor baby" treatment.

I could write more, if you want, so you can get a better understanding of how little support I have from her mother. Without support, nothing I say or do is really going to do anything.

Is she a child who lives with one parent and visits the other? That can cause huge stress to a child of 10. You could start by taking her to the doctor to make sure there is no physical problem. If she is physically well then a counsellor should be next. Does she have a female adult or older sister or aunt or teacher or other person she can talk to?

I'm not allowed to take her to see a doctor or a counselor. I am the non-custodial parent, as I have been so frequently reminded of by BOTH my daughter and her mother.

what methods of positive reinforcement do you provide with the kids?

I complement her good behavior (when she doesn't argue, or is nice to her sister, etc.). I expect I could have more one on one time with her, but it's hard to be around her when she's acting the way that she does.

Are you saying that the mother of the child is opposed to getting professional help for the child? She is acting out for some reason. It could be due to the divorce. In the case of a divorce, it is important for both parents to be on the same page as to the parenting of their children. I have been in your shoes on that matter. It is important to show a united front to your chlldren. chi

Are you saying that the mother of the child is opposed to getting professional help for the child? She is acting out for some reason. It could be due to the divorce. In the case of a divorce, it is important for both parents to be on the same page as to the parenting of their children. I have been in your shoes on that matter. It is important to show a united front to your chlldren. chi

Let's put it this way:

She didn't see the dentist for at least two years, despite routine checks being only $15 and repeated reminders to her mother that she needed to see the dentist.

I'm not "allowed" to make medical decisions because I'm not the custodial parent. I finally decided that she was going to see a dentist because she needed to see a dentist, and to heck with any consequences.

Her mother told her that I didn't have a right to do that and shouldn't have. She also told her that she should have "stood up to me and said, 'No!'".

She was in counseling, once. I took her there because she had been asking some disturbing questions at home. She was ~4-5 at the time. The counselor was great. She was engaging..got down on the floor and played while talking.

Her mom took her away from that counselor because I picked her. She sent her to a different one..an old lady. One of the "sit on my couch and don't touch anything" types. She didn't work. My daughter hasn't been to counseling since.

Let's put it this way:

 

She didn't see the dentist for at least two years, despite routine checks being only $15 and repeated reminders to her mother that she needed to see the dentist.

 

I'm not "allowed" to make medical decisions because I'm not the custodial parent. I finally decided that she was going to see a dentist because she needed to see a dentist, and to heck with any consequences.

 

Her mother told her that I didn't have a right to do that and shouldn't have. She also told her that she should have "stood up to me and said, 'No!'".

 

She was in counseling, once. I took her there because she had been asking some disturbing questions at home. She was ~4-5 at the time. The counselor was great. She was engaging..got down on the floor and played while talking.

 

Her mom took her away from that counselor because I picked her. She sent her to a different one..an old lady. One of the "sit on my couch and don't touch anything" types. She didn't work. My daughter hasn't been to counseling since.

It sounds like you have been divorced for some time. What are your thoughts on fighting for your rights to be the custodial parent? chi

I think Chitown gave great advice. I have an 8 year old son and I don't think a certain level of defiance/back talking, meltdowns have anything much to do with family dynamic - just "being 8". Having said that, at a certain level you are right it is problematic. I highly recommend "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen" and I also recommend calming yourself down even more - checking in with yourself so you don't react to her button pushing.

And -can you sign her up for karate or a form of karate? Great for self-discipline and where we go, the instructors will step in and talk to your child if there is a behavior issue at home or school -it takes a village -and that's not a "medical decision".

Finally -how is her behavior at school?

Unfortunately in your situatIon there isn't a lot you can do with having her so little. I've been there with my step kids. Document document document. Your decree doesn't specify joint medical decision making? In our situation my husband was non custodial for school purposes but had all other rights as far as medical etc. read your paperwork carefully. When we only had the kids that much, they didn't have chores other than picking up after themselves.

Are you remarried? Other kids in the home? Are you spending quality time with them? My vote would be to keep chores to a minimum for now and spend time with them doing fun things. This will encourage them to want to come no matter what mom is saying. We have dealt extensively with a narcissistic ex that has pitted the kids against us. We now have full custody but she has not stopped I feel for you and the kids. It's a tough situation

That's difficult with the mother! It would help if you aimed for the same discipline strategy.

Perhaps instead so complimenting her in good behaviour, you do an activity together whether alone (if possible) or with both girls. Do it on that very day otherwise another day might be a bad behaviour day and should not be rewarded. I don't mean buy things either, just spend time together. For instance choose together some items eat, to take to a park (picnic) or movie or something they enjoy. If you live wear it's warm, get a slip and slide and bring it out if they are good,ay done music and good around.

She has to be excited to come to your house, not be waiting for mum,and acting out to get your attention.

I'm not saying you don't give her attention but as others have said, it's hard with split parents.

I agree totally with the other poster on loading more tasks as more punishment. She will feel whatever she does is not good enough, but in reality there was no guideline for the task as it was let go on for hours. Breaking it up was a good idea (and also uses positive conditioning)

Read a book, watch some super nanny, or see a counselor. The child doesn't necessarily have to come. They will ascertain ways you can communicate better based on your stories

It's not easy, but your the smarter more experienced adult and she's ten!!! You got this !

This is so tough, especially because of your lack of rights.

I really think the first step towards changing anything will be to checking your legal documents to see what you're medically and legally able to do for your kids. And after that, maybe it's time to revisit a lawyer to see if you can fight for more non-custodian rights (or fight for custody).

Puberty and Hormones.

Make sure she has excellent adult female role models and women she can talk to about girl things.

"What to Expect When You Have a Girl

When to expect it: Between 9 and 13

What to expect: The estrogen that's being pumped into your tween's body from her ovaries

How to deal: It's going to be hard adjusting to your daughter's new body, particularly if she's filling out quickly and looking more like a woman than a little girl"

Honestly, I would see an attorney and state that you understand that you are not the custodial parent, but that your daughter is not getting routine medical care and you would like the power to ensure that. If your daughter isn't even going to the dentist, that's not a "medical decision" - i can see if she is mom 75% why should they have to call you if they decide to put her on one antihistimine or the other. She is your child, too, and you are equally responsible for her well being even if you don't see her enough.

I would honestly fight to change for being that the mother has physical custody, you have visits, but that you share legal custody of your daughter.

Also, instead of giving your daughter chores if she only is there every other weekend - why not DO something with your daughter - your daughter desperately needs her dad at this age - maybe that means you and her picking a project - would she like to learn how to roller blade? Does she like to DIY things - what about you guys finding an old dresser and redoing it - even if she wants to paint it something crazy - for her room. There is a balance between being the Disneyland trip dad that overindulges and the dad who just marks his time while his daughters are over - you don't have a lot of time with these girls - of course, they should absolutely clean up after themselves but since they are not a regular resident of the household - doing weekly chores might be ditched for completing projects and having that bonding time with them.

Maybe you could sometimes take the older daughter out for extra time and not also have her sister during those times to have more one on one?

Sometimes also putting on some music and saying "hey, let's get the kichen cleaned before we go out -" and let her tell you your music stinks and ask her to put on what she listens to and get to know her more.

In otherwords - lead on the front line.

I agree with the others feedback and I will emphasize on the custody. I don't know the laws where you live, but at least shared custody could be in order. Especially in light of this.

Also, spending one on one time with your daughter and having some enjoyable time creates a foundation to work from. Take her on dates.

I used to do with this with my sons when they were young. The paybacks were huge!

Reinforce good behavior more than disciplining bad behavior almost always works.

Kids want attention and they'll behave two different ways in order to get it.

Bring to light the good things she does. She'll quickly learn it's more rewarding to get attention from behaving then it is from acting out.

It sounds like you have been divorced for some time. What are your thoughts on fighting for your rights to be the custodial parent? chi

Her mom would probably have to be on drugs and starving/pimping her out in order for that to change. Oregon likes to keep things "stable" for the children.

Plus, because most courts don't recognize parental alienation as a thing that exists, nothing that my ex-wife is saying is substantially against the rules.

Her mom would probably have to be on drugs and starving/pimping her out in order for that to change. Oregon likes to keep things "stable" for the children.

 

Plus, because most courts don't recognize parental alienation as a thing that exists, nothing that my ex-wife is saying is substantially against the rules.

I would look into dual custody in that case; discuss what your options are with an attorney. Explain how the Mom is neglecting your daughter's dental care and asked how that could be dealt with in the future.

I would look into dual custody in that case; discuss what your options are with an attorney. Explain how the Mom is neglecting your daughter's dental care and asked how that could be dealt with in the future.

 

It's not possible in Oregon. Joint custody has to be agreed upon by both parents.

It's not possible in Oregon. Joint custody has to be agreed upon by both parents.

Well, I would like to cancel the dual custody idea now anyway in light of new information I gleaned from your latest thread. chi