Family Conflicts

So I have this problem. In a word: my family.

 

As I have previously mentioned here I have met a wonderful man and we have discussed the future, although nothing is yet set in stone. He lives in a different country so we agreed when the time comes we will both apply for dual citizenship to make it fair. However, where I currently live is not ideal and I would love the chance to set up a new life somewhere else so moving abroad doesn't phase me.

 

My bf has no money to support me and I am not rich. However, I would need to sell my home in order to move. This would not generate income and would barely see me by. I understand I would have to find work. I have passed additional qualifications and am currently studying at a higher level as well as working full-time. Now, my bf has a slight disability which means he is currently out of work. But I can tell you this: he DOES try so hard to find a job.

 

What is important though is our love and commitment. I know we need money to live on. I struggle every day working three jobs so I know how hard it is, whatever country we live in.

 

Now I have family members currently living with me and they have flipped out at the thought of me selling the house. They are practically not speaking to me over it and are calling me selfish saying I should stay in that house forever because of them and I am putting a man before my kids. (I only have one child under 18).

 

Now, my house is not currently up for sale and moving on with my boyfriend would take about two years anyway to finalise things when I do anyway.

 

Now, there is a richer man I am close to (on a friends only basis) other than my boyfriend and my mum keeps telling me I should have gone with him (even though HE lives in a different country). She says I am selling the house and taking my money to go abroad to keep a man. I tell her after the sale there will be little money to keep my bf.

 

She tells me my youngest won't want to go with me and I tell her my daughter has little choice in the matter as I am the only person with legal responsibility. My mum says: do you want a bet? But if I go with Mr Rich Man she accepts it even though I don't love the rich man.

 

I am fed up of living in this situation and it is getting me down. My family are constantly on my back for being poor and now they are threatening me not to put any money in my house because of this. They say I am abandoning them even though they are both over 18.

 

I tell them I can't move abroad and leave them my house and I will not leave my minor daughter behind. I feel they will try to cause problems when the time is right. Had I have gone with Mr Rich Man I assume they would think I would leave them my house. Well, I wouldn't. Now, until I DO sell my house they will make life very difficult for me and refuse to help out in a house where they live too. They have even said they would.

 

Why is it I am the only woman who is not entitled to happiness and enjoy a brand new life away from a place where it has caused me so much heartache? Am I really selfish for wanting to live and marry a man I love? Before anyone asks: Yes! My boyfriend and I have met in person and got on really well and we still do.

 

I don't want to stay in a town where I am unhappy, where crime and anti-social behaviour exist when I could live in a great place abroad with my bf.

 

Any advice over how my family are treating me and where I stand with my youngest daughter? Can my family who have no legal custody over my daughter really prevent me from going? And why would they do this just to make me stay so they can live in my house?

 

I feel so trapped and now those two family members are not speaking to me and every time it is mentioned they cause a scene.

 

Thank you all for listening.

How long have you two actually known each other in person? I'm not sure about any strong-arm tactics being used by your parents, but when you have a child, I do think you forfeit the right to drag them along for your international romantic gambles. It's a rare situation I think your daughter would actually benefit by being left behind rather than uprooted to live with strange men and in a situation that very well might not even hold up.

 

Where do you live where there's no local romantic potential?

Actually we have been dating for nearly two years and my daughter has met him. All my family have. They actually like him but don't want me to sell my home. I am entitled to enjoy a new relationship as well as my child. Don't step families exist?

Again, I ask: how much in-person time have you spent with him?

And I answer: a lot. Aeroplanes...

And local love? Geez I can't help falling in love with a man from a different country. I went for love not convenience.

How old is your youngest daughter? Are your other children self sufficient?

she is 14 and my other children over 18. One still lives at home.

And local love? Geez I can't help falling in love with a man from a different country. I went for love not convenience.

You're a mother. Convenience should be a paramount consideration for your daughter's sake. Wait until she's in college and out of the home and you can start spanning the globe for romance.

Ok, so two kids are not self sufficient. Where will your other child go when you sell your home?

Well how do you explain my other child over 18 who doesn't want me to move? She is an adult... And yes, seeing her mother marry for convenience with a man I won't love is a good example for my daughter? Should I then marry rich man and show her love isn't important?

Not sure where I or anyone said to marry the rich guy. Not sure why it's one or the other in your mind. You could simply not uproot your child for the sake of a romantic gamble.

well she's in her mid twenties so I believe she could find somewhere. She just wants to live at home forever and wants me to not ever get married. She does get on with my bf though.

It's not a gamble. It's a solid relationship where we are steadily talking and planning our future while seeing each other regularly. It ain't happening tomorrow. We are talking about two years.

Well, if you're older children are mid 20s where they live is their issue and problem. Barely 18 would be another problem .

However ,my child would be my prime consideration.

My children are. I have offered for them to join me. My eldest gives me her full support and my youngest has never said she doesn't want to join me.

Do the family members that live with you pay you rent? Please clarify - what does threatening not to put money into your house mean?

 

I think it's unacceptable that your family members are so intent on helping themselves to your house that they are seemingly suggesting that they would cause a custody/visitation problem for you with your youngest child to fulfill this agenda. Perhaps it may be time to oust them from your home, irrespective of what you and your boyfriend decide to do immediately about living arrangements. Threatening a mother with impeding her custody of her child in order to press an agenda feels abominable to me.

 

What is your boyfriend's input?

I understand you are in love with this man but at the end of the day, it's a gamble. You are selling your home and moving across the world to be with this man and he doesn't have anything to offer you. I'm not saying that love have to be superficial but you have a lot on the line at your home. Such as your kids. You have a lot to loose.

 

If it doesn't work out with this man, you will loose everything! I'm just looking at it from your family's perspective. If this was my sister, I would have stopped her. Of course, the choice is still yours, but I would have done the same thing and help you think twice.

 

Sometimes it's not all about love when there is children in the picture. Your child should come first. I'm not saying what you are doing is wrong either, I'm just saying to think of all the potential risk that may arises. Your relationship is also long distance. Things change when you move closer and I assumed start to live together. The spark may or may not bet there as you imagined it would be.

I think you have 2 years as you mentioned to plan and finalize things.

 

If this is true, that your family only want your home than that is selfish of them, you have to have more than love to make such a big decision that impacts your children. You need security. it may not be wise to make a move like that in the current circumstances regardless of what your family thinks. In terms of your family. I'm not sure of your background, but it is your home no matter what you have every right to kick them out if they become hostile. They can try and prevent you from taking your child but if you are as you say they will not win.

How about you sell the house to your family and then you have some money and they dont have to move? If you do that, you use a lawyer and do it right, so the family members have a mortgage with the bank and you get paid from the sale. Dont rent it to them, then they won't pay you. You'd have to do it legally and properly.

My family are unable to afford to buy the house from me. Even if I decide to stay here I would still sell up and move somewhere else and they also argue about that too.

Let me put it another way: my family have said to me a few times that they don't see me ever settling down and getting married as it wouldn't work - no matter even if they are local men. They said if I decided to stay and keep my house a man wouldn't be able to move in because there is not enough room in the house. However, they have take a slightly different view on the rich man who lives abroad as they said they could stay in my house whilst I live in his. They also say my youngest would want for nothing and be rich. In other words I have their blessings if I move abroad to the rich man - as long as they can keep my house (which isn't fully paid for).

I agree with the earlier post that it's time to get all of your family (except your children) out of your house and out of your business. Yes, THEY are being ridiculous, but YOU are allowing it.

Sound like a ditzy idea. I'd bring home BF to live with me if he's 'the one' instead of uprooting my kids and family to sell a home that wouldn't even bring a profit anyway. Your family may be a problem, but they appear to be the only stability your kids have.

Where will your mother live? Can she move in with one of your siblings or your other kids? The older daughter babysits the younger one?

My children are. I have offered for them to join me. My eldest gives me her full support and my youngest has never said she doesn't want to join me.