After 3 years he still pulls away then comes back with an "I apologize "

We've had a "normal" relationship. We don't pick fights, we laugh, we both say what we have to say and move on. I give as I can give on my budget, he gives as he can on his. I've never asked him for monetary help, I provide him comfort, respect and love. I got cable because he watches "Sports Center" and an automatic coffee maker cause he drinks coffee at 530 am. I cook, clean, gives him Advil for his headaches 🙃 You know, normal things. Every few months for 3 years after everything is great, he backs away. I'm left doubting myself, him and/or us. Friends have said I do and give too much. My gifts are too much. However, I give as I can on my budget. He's not the man to waste 3 years of his life on someone he doesn't care for, I knows he cares for me. I just don't like feeling how he makes me feel; when he does what he's doing. I'm left thinking "what am I doing wrong". Please offer insight, perhaps I'm missing something. Btw I'm 43, he's 49; we're not new to this.

Does he work? Agree with your friends. The mothering and smothering is killing the romance.

He may just need room the breathe. What is he doing? Cheating? Breaking up?

Friends have said I do and give too much. My gifts are too much. I just don't like feeling how he makes me feel; when he does what he's doing. I'm left thinking "what am I doing wrong".

I am only going based on what you have shared - but if your friends are giving you some feedback and it's in direct response to what appears to be him backing off due to it. . maybe you should listen to your friends advice.

When you say he backs off, what do you mean, exactly? Does he disappear? For how long?

Some guys are hot and cold like this because they're commitment-phobes. I've read a lot about it, because my ex was the same way and it was extremely hurtful and confusing. They get uncomfortable once things get really close and need to distance themselves; then when they get distance, they miss you and want closeness again. Back and forth, back and forth. I would consider if this is a possibility. It's hard to say without more info.

Even though you went into some details, I feel like you've left some more relevant details out. Do you two argue often? Does he register any complaints? When you say he backs away, does he physically disappear for a while or just get emotionally distant?

My guess is that he's feeling a little smothered. My advice would be to loosen the grip a little. Don't make him your whole world nor expect him to make you his. He should have his own friends and activities (as should you) and you shouldn't give him a hard time about it and expect him home and by your side every hour he isn't working.

I'm not sure if that's what's going on, but that's just my guess. In that case, just give him some space when he needs it. He needs to miss you once in a while. Attraction can only grow in space.

However, if he's just vanishing with no explanation, that's not acceptable and needs to be addressed.

My gut says he's not cheating. He works in sales and he's in night school mon-thurs. on Friday-Sunday he takes care of his parents. Him and his 2 siblings split the caregiving duties. He has weekends. His family is his priority, but I'm left feeling like he silently says "this part of my life, you don't belong in". He's the youngest of 7. His parents are 86 and 87.

We don't argue, if we do disagree on something we resolve it and move on from it. Yes, he physically walks away. It's been almost a week. Last night I was thinking; he's done this when something has happened either to his family members and close friends. When his mother was hospitalized, we didn't speak for 2-3 days, after she was released, he reached out to me.

So he essentially just drops off the face of the earth, with no heads-up to as to why or where he's going? Zero communication?

That wouldn't work for me.

So he essentially just drops off the face of the earth, with no heads-up to as to why or where he's going? Zero communication?

 

That wouldn't work for me.

My most recent ex did this. It was the most horrible feeling in the world. No matter how much I tried to talk to him about it, he would never explain, never gave any heads up, nothing. Guys like this are selfish, OP, and have issues. He probably won't change.

We don't argue, if we do disagree on something we resolve it and move on from it. Yes, he physically walks away. It's been almost a week. Last night I was thinking; he's done this when something has happened either to his family members and close friends. When his mother was hospitalized, we didn't speak for 2-3 days, after she was released, he reached out to me.

He sounds like he has communication issues. It's okay to tell your partner "I need some space" but to disappear for a week, that's kind of extreme. You need to decide is that acceptable for you and if not then he needs help to learn to communicate or you need to decide what's best for you.

Random disappearances often indicate affairs.

Yes, he physically walks away. It's been almost a week.

What kind of excuses does he give when he comes back? Just saying "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it.

We don't argue, if we do disagree on something we resolve it and move on from it. Yes, he physically walks away. It's been almost a week. Last night I was thinking; he's done this when something has happened either to his family members and close friends. When his mother was hospitalized, we didn't speak for 2-3 days, after she was released, he reached out to me.

It sounds as if when he's stressed or feels as if he needs to focus his energy elsewhere he just kind of disappears and doesn't want to deal with the relationship. When that happens, he seems to operate under the "It's better to seek forgiveness than to seek permission" model. And, really, why not? It's worked for him so far.

Before there's even a next time, I think you should have this conversation with him. "Look, I don't intend to keep you under lock and key. You're a grown man and if sometimes you need to go and take care of something that's fine. But we are in a relationship and I need to be told, that's all. This disappearing act you like to pull is BS. I don't do it to you and won't put up with it anymore. The next time you decide to do it you may as well just stay gone."