Is this normal ?

Okay, here it goes. In 2010 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 1. Which I don't like labels. Back on 2010 I saw a real great counselor that helped me worked through out a lot of my issues but she is not doing it anymore. It took her at least 4 years to convince me I am Bipolar. I did not want to accept the fact that I am. So recently I started seeking therapy with someone else but that's coming to an dead end as well. Why, she did not set well with me. The receptionist that made the appointment for me with her I asked her to get re-evaluated with the original doctor I was suppose to see because only he can do it. He was booked so she recommended to see her. During the therapy session I realized I was talking something set me off for a minute or 2. But then started went back to my normal self. No, she did not say anything to set me off. I think she realized it too. Cuz, she was looking at me in a wired way. Anyhow, she asks me to start from the beginning of what my problems are. So I started to talk but it felt like I was going around circles jumping from problem to another problem. I couldn't even get my head straight. I start from childhood then to married life to teenage years to the constant emotional damage then back to divorce. I was literally confused. Prior to this I was in group therapy for 2 weeks and the lady that orchestrated it was a lady that is from the same culture I am. She say's she's a therapist but I doubt she is.

I even saw her individually too as well. So I knew her from before. Last year when I saw her for the first time and explained everything that happened during the time I was married which was 11 years ago prior to the things that happened 11 years ago based on that she sent to me to a psych ward. Look how dumb she is. This is the people I don't want to deal with. She asked me who I was married too and I told her and like I know him then decides to breaks patient, client confidentially and tells me about his family and my ex. I stopped going to this group therapy because most of the things she says I don't believe one word coming from her. Why, I went I was in a complicated situation a couple of months ago I didn't know who to turn too so I called her. I have to keep her around because I am on social security disability and I have to renew by next year. I don't talk to my parents about anything because I don't have a really good communication with my mother. My father barley that I was once close too.

My siblings none what so ever. We talk from time to time like hey how are you that type of sort. My life started getting complicated again in December of last year. Finding myself in nothing but drama situations from different people which I never asked for. As my life hasn't been complicated enough. I don't feel like I have a normal life anymore. I don't know what normal mean's anymore. I'm about to be 37 years old in 2 months. I've completely shut the world out of my life. I'm basically feel safe at home where I need to be. The only time I get out is whether to go to the gym or doctor appointments and go for walks around the house it helps me get my mind off stuff. That's how I distract myself.

My marriage ( 2005-2008 was not normal, even after the divorce ( 2009) I have not had peace what so ever up until now. What i realized recently sense 2009 the people I would had gotten involved with I was go in it with closed eye's and it becomes a fantasy for me. I do have attachment issues, ( so please don't tell me try not to attach yourself when I'm in that fantasy stage its hard to get out of. That's when things become foggy for me, I'm in my own world, I feel safe, secure I become vulnerable, let my guards down thinking its going good, get attached really hard, I get emotional, and really sensitive, I am myself and I do feel my emotions which I don't want to. when it gets to the point after a week or 2 or 3 or months then suddenly I get abandoned without notice, now coming out of it is the difficult part for me because it takes me a while to snap out of it. When reality hits that when my anger, outbursts come out and that's when my anxiety attack starts eventually I get past it with somehow but it takes me months to recover. But then I find myself in the same position every time. How many people ! 20. That's when I start acting out with going back and fourth, I get anxious, nervous, scared of myself, I find myself in agony, being tortured in ever way possible. This has been going on sense 2009 up until now. I find myself either in hospitals or psych wards thinking I'm crazy. When I get back to reality I realize I'm living in reality. Then I become myself again. I think I'm better off being alone for the rest of my life. I don't mind that. Please tell me is this normal ? I feel fine now nothing is tying me down. I'm okay.

Now, the problem is I don't know what type of help I need or I need to get. I'm frustrated. I'm already struggling in other parts of my life. The hardest part of all it is faking it and being happy around my folks when I'm not. I sit down have dinner with them wash the dishes and go lock myself in my room. The worst my folks have seen me was back in 2005. That's when I had my horrible break-down mode. They've seen me going to the hospital last year. Still they can't accept it. With my mom oh your fine you experienced this so many times you'll be fine. You don't need medication. Were fine for now but sometimes I can't put up with her. I don't have a job to move out. I can't for the time being. I don't feel normal to even have a steady job because I can't keep down a job. My father is a bit compassionate than she is. He knows I can come to talk to him. But I choose not too. I am lost, confused, little things get on my nerves, I don't know who to go to or where to get help. These insurance I have Medicare is taken my most places, I am on limited income. I have took over my car payment and trying to pay off a credit card. With medicaid is bit difficult to cover that 80% of Medicare. I am literally have given up finding the help I need. The new therapist I saw found a place for me to seek a psychiatrist. for medication I called but there is a 6 weeks waiting list or maybe more. I did put my name down because they take both my insurance. I'm trying to get re-evaluated again. I just literally want to break down and cry. I still don't understand why I"m still on earth. Sometimes, I think I"m beyond fixable.

So any opinions are options would really help me right about now. Thanks for reading.

Hi Coolgirl.

Sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time.

Let me make sure I understand your post:

Beginning in 2010, you had a good experience with a counselor. That ended after four years.

More recently, you attended group and private therapy with a lady of questionable background. She sent you to a psych ward. You think she is a liar, but have to continue to go to her because you are on social security.

>> Can you clarify why you believe she is breaking patient confidentiality?

You also tried to schedule a reevaluation appointment with the counselor from 2010, but he was unavailable. So, you saw a different counselor. You did not mesh well with this counselor and had a difficult time during the session. You were confused and jumping around.

You have limited contact with family and are relatively isolated.

Your marriage was very difficult and that still torments you.

In new relationships, you tend to fall into a fantasy situation and drop your guard. After an initial feeling of security, you then become overwhelmed by your emotions. You are subsequently abandoned by the other person and then you become angry and anxious. These feelings have driven you to the point where you lose touch with reality.

Your family doesn't accept that you have a problem, but you know you do. You are stuck living with them and feel very isolated, alone with your problems. You have limited income and treatment options, and don't know where to turn for help.

Is that accurate?

Jibralta: ln 2010 I got diagnosed with Bipolar by a different psychiatrist Afterwards I started seeking this counselor for 4 years.

I knew this old therapist from before. Based on the stuff that I told her that had that happened 11 years ago she tells me to check myself in. and the that was not the root of my problems to begin with. Does this seem right to you ? Does this sound like something a therapist would do ? And I wasn't suicidal to begin with I was fine before I started seeing her. Yes, I do have my doubts and reservations about her. I'm not going to her anymore as I can't stand her but have to keep her around for social security reasons.

Yes, as I mentioned in my post when i starred seeing her individually for the first time and talking about what's going on with me when I told her who my ex husband was she started talking about his problems and his family and I thought these type of things is supposed to be kept confidential regarding other people please tell me if I'm wrong ? My ex's life is none of my business to begin with what so ever.

I have not been reevaluated in a longtime but not with the doctor back in 2010 I'm not seeing anymore. I was supposed to see a different doctor the first day because he was booked I was recommended someone else. The first doctor I was supposed to see does the evaluation. So yes I was all over the place with the new therapist that did not sit well with me. She was to shallow, mellow, horrible accent that I could barely understand.

Yes, that's correct I've feel isolated for a long time now.

My marriage at that time does not torment me, there was no normality to begin with its the issues and problems that lead to it. With the ins and outs of hospitals stays, suicide attempts, no family support, this wasn't me. This isn't who I am. I sometimes find myself struggling with the past. Yea, i try putting it behind me and move forward with it but I choose not to deal with it head on.

Yes, that's pretty much about right of having a hard time coming out of the fantasy and when reality hits that's when my anger and outbursts and anxiety hits. I can't keep going through this. It wears me out sometimes. I don't have the energy for it anymore.

My father is a bit more compassionate than my mother but I choose not to speak to him as well. So basically yes it's accurate.

I literally dont know where to turn to anymore. So I'm thinking to myself I'm beyond fixable and just leave it this way.

Back on 2010 I saw a real great counselor that helped me worked through out a lot of my issues but she is not doing it anymore.

Hello CG, are you saying that she doesn't practice anymore?

If she does not, does she have social media or a way to contact her to ask her for a referral to someone she trusts?

Also, what has been the situation with your meds. Last post I read, you said you went off of them?

She does not do counseling anymore. I called her last year and asked her please can you at least see me once a week. She said she couldn't because if she makes an exception for me than she has to do it for everyone that wants to see her. And has other projects going on. She has referred me to a couple of people she knew One was an intern that did not sit well with me. And another therapist she said her colleague knew and referred me to her a year ago. Completely horrible. Both of them.

The outpatient group therapy I went to a month and a half ago because I was an outpatient doctor was provided there. So I did get to see her. And she did give me medication both was working fine but horrible side effects. It would put me to sleep but wake up every 2 hours go back to sleep then the same thing then I would have a hard time getting back up in the morning. The medication was doing the job and I was fine with it the side effects were killing me. When I got discharged because I asked for it and the lady that was orchestrating group therapy this I could not stand her. Back in December I went through a horrible phase with too many problems involved I didn't know where to turn too so I called her that's when she said why don't you start coming here. So I went. During my discharge I asked to see the doctor again to adjust the medication she was never around.

I told the lady in the front page that doctor and have her get here I need change in the medication she never showed up. So I went without it for a month. 2 weeks ago my mother found a endocrinologist for me too see because I haven't been checked in a long time for my endo problems. And that was around that time that my nerves were really getting tense. I swear I don't know how I'm keeping it together. I said doc look I understand it's not your area of your specialty but I need something to calm down my nerves because I have sever anxiety attacks. so he prescribed me Xanax and I heard that these pills are highly addictive. I didn't know. It's not like I take them everyday. I take them when I need it. So for the time being this is where I'm at and dealing with complete idiot doctors for the time being.

Hello CG, are you saying that she doesn't practice anymore?

 

If she does not, does she have social media or a way to contact her to ask her for a referral to someone she trusts?

 

Also, what has been the situation with your meds. Last post I read, you said you went off of them?