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Thread: First time

  1. #1
    Gold Member Capttrae's Avatar
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    First time

    I know it's stupid, I know I've got a lot of good in my life, son, dog, gf. But for some reason yesterday while on DP at the platform I got out my pocket knife and started making quick little slices, not deep, just enough to break the skin, I know how sharp my knife is, so I know how to control it. But I feel so weak, so embarrassed. That me a grown man pushing 40 would do something so childish, but damn it felt so good. I could focus on the physical sting and home in on it instead of being a mess in the brain. It's not like I've got a lot going on, or nothing importantant anyway. Yes my mom has cancer, yes my salary has been cut 80k/ year in the last 2 years. But all that ain't squat, I've watched the men of my family start a company (grandad) watched then make it grow (dad) and face God only knows what else, yet here I am a complete mess up and embarrassment to everyone including myself. All my friends have families, homes, wives, and have accomplished things. Me on the other hand not so much.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Capttrae
    I know it's stupid, I know I've got a lot of good in my life, son, dog, gf. But for some reason yesterday while on DP at the platform I got out my pocket knife and started making quick little slices, not deep, just enough to break the skin, I know how sharp my knife is, so I know how to control it. But I feel so weak, so embarrassed. That me a grown man pushing 40 would do something so childish, but damn it felt so good. I could focus on the physical sting and home in on it instead of being a mess in the brain. It's not like I've got a lot going on, or nothing importantant anyway. Yes my mom has cancer, yes my salary has been cut 80k/ year in the last 2 years. But all that ain't squat, I've watched the men of my family start a company (grandad) watched then make it grow (dad) and face God only knows what else, yet here I am a complete mess up and embarrassment to everyone including myself. All my friends have families, homes, wives, and have accomplished things. Me on the other hand not so much.
    Hi, are you aware how negative your self talk is? It's very damaging. Do you see a therapist? You can work on improving this which may in turn help with the self harm. You lack confidence in yourself and don't regard yourself highly which is a massive hindrance to your progress.

    Yes you have many good things in your life but a massive pay cut and the ill health of your mother are painful events for any person, try to allow yourself compassion, that you shouldn't have to just suck it up, you will be affected and that's OK to be hurt and struggling. I think you're very brave.

    Have you tried replacing your knife with a rubber band or some other article that can inflict the pain necessary for distraction without the physical damage?

  3. #3
    Gold Member Capttrae's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thornz
    Hi, are you aware how negative your self talk is? It's very damaging. Do you see a therapist? You can work on improving this which may in turn help with the self harm. You lack confidence in yourself and don't regard yourself highly which is a massive hindrance to your progress.

    Yes you have many good things in your life but a massive pay cut and the ill health of your mother are painful events for any person, try to allow yourself compassion, that you shouldn't have to just suck it up, you will be affected and that's OK to be hurt and struggling. I think you're very brave.

    Have you tried replacing your knife with a rubber band or some other article that can inflict the pain necessary for distraction without the physical damage?
    Yes I'm very aware of how I see myself. No im not going to see a therapist, my mom used to be a shrink I see how she turned out, so screw a bunch of that. Ain't no way in hell am I going to go talk to some shrink about how messed up my life is, I already know how messed up it is no need to pay somebody to tell me to think positive or put me on some pills. I'll just have to suck it up and deal best I can. If that means gettin home, gettin drunk out of my mind and howling at the moon so be it.

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    Capttrae, don't be so hard on yourself. Your mom has cancer, that alone is more than enough to send even the strongest person to their knees. I'm sorry, by the way. That's rough. And an 80k pay cut? Again, yeah that's not nothing. True you have good things in your life, and you recognize that, but still life has its darkness and it's just a fact of life sometimes it sucks and we hurt. Don't compare yourself to others though, because even the seemingly most lucky person can have things in their life others don't see that are their own personal crosses to bear. Try not to compare yourself there to others.

    This is the point where you talk to someone, doesn't have to be a therapist, just a trusted someone, yes even if it's just your dog, (don't laugh, thank god my horse can't talk or she'd ruin me with what I tell her that I won't tell anyone else), or you find something that makes you happy and pulls the darkness off of you for a bit.

    But the cutting can quickly become an addiction and there I would tell you to stop and choose to not do that again. And I know my words won't probably mean much, but just try not to go down that road. Ever. I've known people who did, it's really hard to stop, as in heroin hard to stop.

    Howling at the moon though, not such a bad idea. And yes, venting here can help too. I would also suggest therapy, but I know it's not something one comes to lightly. I do know that, I've been there. Just keep in mind not all therapy has to be talking to a shrink or counselor. But you need to find things that will build hedges against the night, while not giving you yet another problem or thing to have to deal with. How you do that will be your choice, your own path, but I think it's one you'll find and figure out.

    Just please don't get into cutting. It really isn't going to help and I know that from personal experience - not me, but someone I loved. Keeping a journal though, that I can recommend. Even your own voice and your own thoughts put down on paper or tape can help you. These are my suggestions and I did just want to reach out and tell you that you've been heard. And I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Take care of yourself.

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Capttrae
    I could focus on the physical sting and home in on it instead of being a mess in the brain.
    That's the point of it, really. I've done it at various points in my life. It's not the best way of coping, but it is a way. You could always buy a tattoo gun and make it socially acceptable, I guess.

    Sometimes the pressures of life push down on you and it seems like nothing is right. Things can change, though.

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    Originally Posted by Capttrae
    Yes I'm very aware of how I see myself. No im not going to see a therapist, my mom used to be a shrink I see how she turned out, so screw a bunch of that. Ain't no way in hell am I going to go talk to some shrink about how messed up my life is, I already know how messed up it is no need to pay somebody to tell me to think positive or put me on some pills. I'll just have to suck it up and deal best I can. If that means gettin home, gettin drunk out of my mind and howling at the moon so be it.
    I think you misunderstand the role of a therapist, you don't necessarily have to tell them about your life, they shouldn't tell you to think positive and they can't prescribe you medication, although if it helps medication is a worthwhile option.

    There are many different types of therapists that specialise in various techniques. When you see a therapist they can be a mirror to reflect anything you wish to discuss and see things more objectively (including yourself). Some therapists can help you develop new coping methods instead of cutting and be more compassionate to yourself and self soothe when you are in a bad place.

    I saw a counselor for three years, she helped me learn to communicate my feelings and have more belief in myself that I can resolve issues rather than feeling overwhelmed by them. If you are really against seeing a therapist or paying money there are online therapy courses you can participate in, a lot of them free.

    PP's suggestion to talk to your dog is a great idea, that is a therapy in itself and your dog will be very aware of how you're feeling

  8. #7
    Gold Member Capttrae's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    That's the point of it, really. I've done it at various points in my life. It's not the best way of coping, but it is a way. You could always buy a tattoo gun and make it socially acceptable, I guess.

    Sometimes the pressures of life push down on you and it seems like nothing is right. Things can change, though.
    Getting ink really does help, it's almost like a release feeling the sting of the tattoo gun doing work, then the itching after its done feels so good.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Capttrae
    Yes I'm very aware of how I see myself. No im not going to see a therapist, my mom used to be a shrink I see how she turned out, so screw a bunch of that. Ain't no way in hell am I going to go talk to some shrink about how messed up my life is, I already know how messed up it is no need to pay somebody to tell me to think positive or put me on some pills. I'll just have to suck it up and deal best I can. If that means gettin home, gettin drunk out of my mind and howling at the moon so be it.
    Cap, this is kind of like me saying, "Yeah, well my Dad was a stinkin doctor, so there's no WAY I'll go and get this broken leg set..."

    It just makes no sense. You're cutting.

    Nobody's going to medicate you without your permission or tell you to say happy things. I'm sorry that your parent was a lousy representative of the profession, but it makes no sense to screw yourself out of actual help from someone else because of that.

    People have no qualms about hiring a plumber or a tax preparer for their practical expertise, but what could be more practical that your quality of life?

    Hang in there, Cap, and we're here for you.

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    Well, my mom had a chronic illness and was treated for it for 28 years yet she passed away anyway.

    That doesn't mean I'm going to refuse to get treatment for MY chronic illness.

    Talking to someone who isn't emotionally involved in your life can feel SO good. I highly recommend it.

    Cutting yourself, not so much. Then you have to hide your cutting and that opens a whole new, worse can of worms.

  11. #10
    Gold Member Capttrae's Avatar
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    That's why I post this on here, totally anyomous, y'all don't know me, idk y'all except from on here. There's no way could I come out with this in my every day life.

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