7 years and no ring?

My bf and I have been together for 7 years. I am bothered by the fact that he has not asked to marry me. I feel like he doesn't care enough about me to put effort into planning a proposal. He doesn't bother to do anything romantic for holidays like Valentine's Day or our anniversary. He does not take me out on dates that he plans (although he's fine with anything I suggest). He does not plan our vacations; he lets me plan 95% of what we do. I am bothered by his lack of initiative and the lack of romance in our relationship. And I wonder if he really loves me; maybe if he loved me, things would be different? 7 years and no ring; is this normal?

 

I've talked to him about how I would like to get married. A couple years ago, I thought perhaps he might have been held back financially. I've told him that I don't care for an expensive ring or ceremony. He was in school at that time, so I thought perhaps he was also focusing on his studies. Now he is working full-time and making a six-figure income. And the only logical conclusion I can come to is he just doesn't care that much about me.

 

Today, I brought the marriage issue up again. He quickly changed the subject to how I don't love him and walked out the room. Now he's holed up in his office and giving me the silent treatment.

 

Now I'm starting to question whether or not I really want him to propose to me. I had wanted it so much because I wanted my bf to be romantic and I wanted to know that I was worthy of his time and effort. If he proposes to me now, I'm going to feel like he did so because I asked him to. And a part of me dreads what I see coming. He'll either push this out of his mind and get back to work. Or put in five minutes of effort buying a ring online and ... I don't know, winging it.

How old are you two?

If you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay? I agree with not trying to convince or nag someone into marrying you. It shouldn't be a "marriage issue" - it's not an "issue" - it should be an arrangement, a commitment, both of you want with all your heart no matter who proposes.

"7 years and no ring; is this normal?"

- For the live together/test run crowd..., yes.

 

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free.

 

Sorry, it may be a crude adage, but one that relates a sad reality for millions of ladies today.

All your questions and doubts could have been answered in one year vs. seven.

 

Houses, bills and chores will never equal goals and commitment to them.

Why don't you buy him a ring and get down on your knee if you want it so bad?

In the US a baby arrives on average one year before marriage. Marriage is less of a priority otherwise. On average.

 

Also, in many states, you're considered married after 7 years and have access to benefits as such.

 

What are you missing? His commitment? A sense of permanence?The dream vision of a proposal / bride / wedding? Identify that, as specifically as you can.

I hate to say it after seven years he's probably not going to get married to you. So if you want marriage it won't be with him .

No way in hell would I have waited 7 years. I was so excited to have a family when I was 15 years old. I always felt that the most exciting and rewarding thing in my life would be being a mom. And I was right, it happened when I was 23. And I knew my husband would be my husband within a few months. My mom knew about my dad the night she met him.

 

What in the world is he going to learn about you AFTER 7 years that will finally tip the scales to "yep I wanna marry her"? He should've known "yes" or "no" after a year or two tops. Ask him what he's waiting for.

It sounds like your man is slacking in the romance department. it also is unknown to everyone (including you) if he ever wants to get married. 7 years is a long time to be together with out making things legal or having a commitment. it's also easy to think your man assumes your going to be there for him after such a long time of being together, and he doesn't make your needs (like making sure you feel safe in the love relationship the two of you share) a priority. your man seems to be failing love 101 (minus the bed room; which only you can judge how he makes you feel there) so the question is... what do you do about a relationship that you feel is lacking? if you feel that braking it off is not the right thing; then what I would do is pull away from him far enough where you can find your own space and do your own thing for a while. (it's like a mental brake from meeting someone elses needs and meeting your own needs for a while) Sometimes finding happiness in your self will make you happy period. that's helps any relationship because he's going to notice the change in your energy. you go do what you do best by yourself for a few days (or hours) and come back happy, and satisfied. you'll find your going to be missing each other, you'll have more to talk about, you'll be making each other laugh again. after you have your time (by your self) and you feel satisfied this would be the best time to judge if you really want to continue in your 7 year journey with your future spouse. also when the energy changes in a relationship like this it helps you find the truth you'll know what to do after because your heart will tell you. Make sure you follow your heart because you'll regret any decision you don't make with your heart.

hang in there girl!!

No way in hell would I have waited 7 years. I was so excited to have a family when I was 15 years old. I always felt that the most exciting and rewarding thing in my life would be being a mom. And I was right, it happened when I was 23. And I knew my husband would be my husband within a few months. My mom knew about my dad the night she met him.

 

What in the world is he going to learn about you AFTER 7 years that will finally tip the scales to "yep I wanna marry her"? He should've known "yes" or "no" after a year or two tops. Ask him what he's waiting for.

Wow, it's exciting you and your mom were able to find the right person so quickly. unfortunately it doesn't happen for everyone. I've wanted to be a mom or almost 20 years now. I was married for 11 years and my husband didn't think I was good enough to have his children. I spent a long time trying to get what I wanted out of a relationship and marriage including kids. it didn't work out. my divorce was final jan 24 2017 and now my ex-husband has moved on to dating my sister. I wish everyones dreams were as picture perfect as yours have been. your very blessed.

Wow, it's exciting you and your mom were able to find the right person so quickly. unfortunately it doesn't happen for everyone. I've wanted to be a mom or almost 20 years now. I was married for 11 years and my husband didn't think I was good enough to have his children. I spent a long time trying to get what I wanted out of a relationship and marriage including kids. it didn't work out. my divorce was final jan 24 2017 and now my ex-husband has moved on to dating my sister. I wish everyones dreams were as picture perfect as yours have been. your very blessed.

 

I didn't read that the poster wrote anything about "picture perfect" -she merely described her situation and gave input. I wanted to be a mom for over 20 years before I became one. In my case I had to become the right person to find the right person. Perfect for me, not picture perfect -just like most people. I am sorry in your situation you didn't get what you wanted. I hope you do in the future. In my opinion it doesn't sound like he wants to marry her and she doesn't want to marry him if it takes "convincing" him. I don't blame her.

I believe it wasn't more than a couple weeks ago that you wrote you're financially dependent on him. Not sure how long that's been the case, but at this moment, I think it's fair to hold off on engagement until you two are more equitable footing.

 

I'd also be curious to know your ages. With regard to a buildup to marriage, I do consider there to a difference in the sorta "quality" of years between, say, 17 - 24 than 24 - 31.

Sounds to me you two are just going with the time flow. Nothings so bad that you have to leave but nothings great either. I was guilty of this for 8 years. I just wanted a select few things to change. I knew they really wouldnt. Has he ever said why he wouldn't marry you? Is there anything you 2 fight over constantly that never gets resolved?

The first step is becoming financially independent and working to save your own money and focus on a career that generates income.

 

Revolving your life around your bf is also very unhealthy. Working would be a better use of your time.

 

Start a self improvement plan. First secure income-producing employment. Get in shape and update your image with new clothes, hair, etc. Work on yourself. Join clubs organisations groups for fun as a well as job networking and to get the laser focus off your bf.

 

Volunteer. Go out more with friends and family. Go to therapy if you are ruminating, stagnating, suffering from inertia, depression or all this anxiety.

We live in the same house. I'm financially dependent on my boyfriend. I might need to go back to a 9-5 job. Bf was the only feature in my environment, and he is disappearing.

I don't have time to post a full response right now. Just want to say quickly that we are both 31. And six years ago we decided that we would eventually get married. I've waited six years for him to make good on that promise.

I don't have time to post a full response right now. Just want to say quickly that we are both 31. And six years ago we decided that we would eventually get married. I've waited six years for him to make good on that promise.

 

He promised "eventually" meaning marriage was his eventual goal. Did you discuss, ever, general timing? What was discussed when you moved in together as far as what was the purpose of sharing physical space, what it meant if anything for your commitment, marriage, etc?

Why don't you buy him a ring and get down on your knee if you want it so bad?

 

It's not quite as romantic, but at least you'll have an answer, and at least you can move on from this road-block.

It's not quite as romantic, but at least you'll have an answer, and at least you can move on from this road-block.

 

So, the typical advice about a proposal -put aside gender -is don't ask unless you're pretty darn sure of the answer. Right now she knows his answer is "I don't know" which, in the words of Dr. Phil, means "no". So, I don't think there's anything wrong with her proposing as far as gender, but I think it makes no sense since she knows his answer likely will be the equivalent of "no".

So, the typical advice about a proposal -put aside gender -is don't ask unless you're pretty darn sure of the answer. Right now she knows his answer is "I don't know" which, in the words of Dr. Phil, means "no". So, I don't think there's anything wrong with her proposing as far as gender, but I think it makes no sense since she knows his answer likely will be the equivalent of "no".

 

But if she hears "No" she can move on. She could sit in limbo for years...............

Do you want kids? Was it agreed he would support you since you don't work at an income producing job? Unfortunately with no income and already living there you have zero leverage.

 

Why didn't he just propose 6 yrs ago if he was sincere about that before you moved in? How can you "agree to get married" but never get engaged?

we are both 31. And six years ago we decided that we would eventually get married.

But if she hears "No" she can move on. She could sit in limbo for years...............

 

She's already heard No. She doesn't need to get down on one knee after her last conversation with her that she described. (or propose in another way). She's a smart, clear-headed person. His reaction is exactly the same as No because people who want to get married to their significant others don't react that way - sure with rare exception of course but none that I know of that has anything to do with a healthy relationship or healthy future marriage.

He's not going to marry you.

 

He faked out an engagement, he's got you to give up your job (and why you agreed to that is beyond me), he lies to you about plans, he's working all the hours god sends, he goes in on the weekend... you're his secretary. You're there to keep his life chugging along while he does his own thing.

 

Honestly, where you write that he checks his phone constantly, I'd put money on it not being work.

I believe it wasn't more than a couple weeks ago that you wrote you're financially dependent on him.

 

If this is the case, then you don't have the financial clout to leave him, and he knows it. You've positioned yourself to settle for whatever he's willing to offer, and that's not marriage.

 

I'd find work and earn my way beyond the question.

He's not going to propose because he doesn't want to marry you and just as well because he's not the man you want.

 

It's not fair to say you want the man to change to suit your needs for romance when he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body.

 

Set him free so you can find somebody romantic who wants marriage.