Adult Step Children

Hi All,

I have experienced serious issues in the relationship with my stepdaughter to the point that I have now seen two different Therapists, both have stopped the therapy saying that we cannot go further, as they feel the other person has psychological issues (i.e. the stepdaughter) so its as if the issues will never be resolved. But, that doesn't really help me and I feel like no one understands my situation.

Thank you

Hi there. What exactly is the situation? How long have you had the 'step-' relationship? How old are you both now. It's difficult to know what to say without some context.

You've given us nothing to work with other than to suggest, without blaming anyone in particular, if the situation has driven you to two different therapists, maybe you should get out of it.

How long have you been married? Does she live with you? Where are the parents? Therapy is to help you deal with stress, not fix or change someone else. It's odd your therapist hasn't given you any tips or perspectives on how to deal with this.

Why doesn't her father/your partner understand you? Remove yourself from her and whatever her issues and drama are as much as possible. Let the mother and father handle her custody/visitation and any issues with her or her mental health, etc.

You just the parents spouse and have no legal standing in her upbringing anyway. Sounds like the real issues is an tuned out, checked out, negligent partner, not a child.

I have experienced serious issues in the relationship with my stepdaughter.

I've never heard of a therapist, or in your case, both therapists, throwing their hands up in the air because the person who is causing you stress has psych issues. I've never heard of a therapist "diagnosing" someone they've never met with "psych" issues. I'm calling this thread bogus.

I've never heard of a therapist, or in your case, both therapists, throwing their hands up in the air because the person who is causing you stress has psych issues. I've never heard of a therapist "diagnosing" someone they've never met with "psych" issues. I'm calling this thread bogus.

Yep, either that, or both therapists fired themselves because expectations placed on them were beyond the scope of their role.

I've never heard of a therapist, or in your case, both therapists, throwing their hands up in the air because the person who is causing you stress has psych issues. I've never heard of a therapist "diagnosing" someone they've never met with "psych" issues. I'm calling this thread bogus.

If they Are going jointly together, I can see where a counselor would give a referral and say that the stepdaughter needs to address some medical psychological issues before there can be progress (ie, the daughter is schizophrenic and things are not under control and her sense of reality inhibits cooperative talk therapy at this time). But if someone who has never met the daughter gives up, it could be that the OP is refusing to budge or nothing is solveable without the daughter being brought into the mix.

I would allow your husband to handle the relationship between the daughter and you as a couple, whether it means he sometimes does things one on one if your relationship with her is so abrasive, even if its her own doing, or sets boundaries on her entering the home and engaging with your both. Do not get caught up where your husband is passive and you are at war - unless nothing is truly wrong and he has stepped out of it because he thinks both of you need to solve it and he can no longer be a peace maker.

I would allow your husband to handle the relationship between the daughter and you as a couple, whether it means he sometimes does things one on one if your relationship with her is so abrasive, even if its her own doing, or sets boundaries on her entering the home and engaging with your both. Do not get caught up where your husband is passive and you are at war - unless nothing is truly wrong and he has stepped out of it because he thinks both of you need to solve it and he can no longer be a peace maker.

You are spot on he is passive which is a big issue and is letting his adult daughter treat me badly as he hates dealing with things.

It's not bogus it's true that I felt Therapy whilst cannot fix anyone, should assist in helping one find coping methods.

How old is step daughter, how often is she in your home, and what does she say or do that upsets you?

How adult are we talking here? 19 or 35?

I'm sorry.

Step parenting isn't easy. But it all boils down to your husband here. He has s daughter who is schizophrenic. Managing the illness is key, but these individuals need help managing it. The key is taking the medication prescribed daily in addition to counseling and going to doctor appointments. I bet if she were consistent with these things, you'd see a different side of her. Is anyone helping her manage this illness? If not, this is where dad should be stepping in.

I'm sorry.

 

Step parenting isn't easy. But it all boils down to your husband here. He has s daughter who is schizophrenic. Managing the illness is key, but these individuals need help managing it. The key is taking the medication prescribed daily in addition to counseling and going to doctor appointments. I bet if she were consistent with these things, you'd see a different side of her. Is anyone helping her manage this illness? If not, this is where dad should be stepping in.

We can all prescribe 'shoulds' to husband and his daughter, but that's not helpful given that you have zero control over anyone else's behavior. Your scope of control is over what you want, what you're willing to tolerate, how you're willing to live.

You're not giving us any information to work with to help you.

Her husband's daughter is abusive in some way to his wife, the poster. It's his responsibility to protect his wife from this abuse. His daughter, his responsibility. He can cut his daughter off and forbid her from coming around, that's one way. But before doing something like that, he should, as a good father, make sure his daughter is following a medicinal regimen. Chances are, she is not. Once she's back on track with meds, the father can set boundaries with the daughter, boundaries that he and his wife agree upon. If daughter is taking her prescribed meds and continues to be abusive, have dad call her psychiatrist yo let him/her know, maybe they will change her medication or dose.

Point is, a good husband will step in to help his wife. If husband won't do anything to protect his wife, I'd consider divorce.

You must know more than we do then. Because nowhere in here did the OP say the daughter was schizophrenic and abusive . So you must have inside information that we don't .

You must know more than we do then. Because nowhere in here did the OP say the daughter was schizophrenic and abusive . So you must have inside information that we don't .

I swear I thought I saw schizophrenic somewhere on this thread, maybe I saw it in a different thread and then carried it over here, oops! abusive isn't mentioned, but that's clearly a given. Schizophrenic or not, boundaries need to be made by husband. If the daughte does have "psychological" issues as suggested by OPs therapist, a good father will ensure his daughter is being treated. The OP did mention her husband as being passive. He can't be passive here. He needs to step up to the plate. If he won't do that and the daughter continues on with her shenanigans/abuse, the OP, IMHO, should contact a divorce attorney.

I swear I thought I saw schizophrenic somewhere on this thread, maybe I saw it in a different thread and then carried it over here, oops! abusive isn't mentioned, but that's clearly a given. Schizophrenic or not, boundaries need to be made by husband. If the daughte does have "psychological" issues as suggested by OPs therapist, a good father will ensure his daughter is being treated. The OP did mention her husband as being passive. He can't be passive here. He needs to step up to the plate. If he won't do that and the daughter continues on with her shenanigans/abuse, the OP, IMHO, should contact a divorce attorney.

No one can force their adult kids to go to therapy. In fact here you can't force a child over 12 to attend therapy if they do not want to. Therapy is something you have to want to do . For 35 years I told my mom to go stick it when she wanted me to go to therapy. I did it when I wanted.

If she truly had psych issues, she needs help, and usually that means medication. Dad cannot force her, no, but he can try his best to lead her in the right direction and help her until she is psychologically better and able to help herself. If she is really a hot mess (hello Britney Spears 2008) and she won't listen, dad can get authorities involved. If she's just being difficult to the OP, but seems to be functioning well in her life, I'd say she doesn't have "psych issues" and dad needs to set boundaries to protect his wife and suggest to the daughter therapy. And then stuck to the boundaries until she changes her ways towards the OP. It sounds like she had serious issues if 2 therapist are basically telling the OP that they can't help the OP until the problem, aka, daughter with psych issues, gets help.

Force him and the mother to deal with it by redirecting the daughter to them. For example: 'Tell your dad' or 'ask your mom'.

Step out of this and stop picking up any slack or enabling.

You are spot on he is passive which is a big issue and is letting his adult daughter treat me badly as he hates dealing with things.

Again you can't force people. She may very well have psychological issues who knows we have no examples , absolutely nothing to go on here . The most the father can do is ASK his daughter to get help. He can ask her not to come to his home and interact with his current wife and he can go out and see his daughter as he pleases.

We have clue even why the step daughter and wife don't even get along .