Another "what should I do" question re: my "dad"

Spinoff from my other thread about him not following thru with plans to see eachother before I took off across country for a 6 mo- 1 yr contract job. I called him to solidify plans, but it went straight to VM. I didn't leave a VM. He was supposed to get back with me on which day we'd be getting together, but he never did. And here it is almost a week since I left and he still hasn't called or texted.

I feel like texting him asking if this was some joke. It's very hurtful.

Why not add it to this thread so people can follow what you are talking about

Can an admin merge them?

Sorry to hear this. Either communicate (leave a vm, text, whatever) or don't but this it a recipe for failure.

I called him to solidify plans, but it went straight to VM. I didn't leave a VM.

Wiseman, I appreciate your words of wisdom and responses. But I don't know why your putting this on me. He didn't follow through. He's the one who never calls or returns calls/texts to my sister and I. Because of this, I'm not chasing him. He knew which dates were good for me, he knew to let me know, he didn't follow thru. I followed thru and it went to VM. No point in leaving a VM when he doesn't return calls. other ppl were wanting to see me, when he didn't answer, I made plans with them.

I replied on the original thread. I have found that with relationships, you just have to keep trying. Don't whine, don't point fingers. Don't pull the rug out just because it didn't work out this time. Plans didn't come together this time. Try again

I replied on the original thread. I have found that with relationships, you just have to keep trying. Don't whine, don't point fingers. Don't pull the rug out just because it didn't work out this time. Plans didn't come together this time. Try again

Yes, but this crap happens a lot with him. Yet, he has no problems getting in touch with my cousins. I wouldn't "whine" right now had he at least gotten back to me to say those dates won't work for him and to wish me well on my assignment or to at least call/text to make sure I made it safely. But to blow me off completely? Rude. This is my father, not a long lost friend.

Yes, but this crap happens a lot with him. Yet, he has no problems getting in touch with my cousins. I wouldn't "whine" right now had he at least gotten back to me to say those dates won't work for him and to wish me well on my assignment or to at least call/text to make sure I made it safely. But to blow me off completely? Rude. This is my father, not a long lost friend.

I am not going to answer here -- i will answer on the original thread.

I don't know why your putting this on me. He didn't follow through. He's the one who never calls or returns calls/texts to my sister and I. Because of this, I'm not chasing him. He knew ...

Your Dad's behavior is on him, but yours is on you. You can opt to roll with it and hold up your side of things, no matter what, or, you can ruminate and spin yourself into feeling lousy. That choice IS on you.

I don't know anyone who hasn't been disappointed with either parent at some point or another. As adults, we get to pick how we want to handle that. We can destroy ourselves and our experiences with it, or we can grow beyond it--and our parents.

With maturity comes a ditch of the 'child' role and adoption of the adult role in our relationships with our parents. It's a natural shift, although some of us need to assume responsibility far earlier than we'd prefer. You get to make the most of your new experiences, or you can wallow about Dad and sink yourself by painting your lens with that brush.

I'd send him an upbeat voicemail, postcard, text or email laughing that it's too bad we missed one another before my trip, but I'm doing great and I look forward to catching up with him when I return for a visit home. Boom. Done. Move on from there. Let sister deal with her own relationship with the guy, and move your focus onto developing new relationships of your own in your new place.

Head high.

Cat,

Oh man, I'd love to grab the paintbrush and color me happy from this. But I can't help how I feel. I wish I could simply stroll along as if it didn't bother me, but I can't do that. I wish it didn't bother me, but it did. I have forgiven him for a lot of the hardships he's caused, but I haven't forgotten. He was a true bully my entire life to me, sis and our dog. If any of you truly knew what I've been through with him, you may understand where I'm coming from.

I was once in a commited relationship with someone who saw the monster side of my dad on numerous occasions. Things did seem lighter to me with that SO around . he'd joke about my dad being in hulk hibernation when he wouldn't return calls, etc. I'd actually laugh, I wish I could get there again on my own.

Anyway, since there are 2 threads on this, the update is: I text my dad asking if our get together suggestion was an April Fools joke by him. I inserted a couple of smiley emojis after that text to lighten it up.

He responded time passed right by him and my stepmom and they forgot. He then asked if I was still in town.

I responded with: " I was really looking forward to seeing you. My plans stayed the same since the last time we texted, I left last Friday as planned and made it safely. I won't be back for at least 6 months, maybe we can get together then if it won't interfere with your schedule, I realize 6 mos from now is hunting season. Let's make it a goal to get together before next year?"

^ no response from him. It saddens me that he nor my stepmom remembered. I haven't seen them in years. You'd think they'd be a little more excited and actually remember.

Cat,

Oh man, I'd love to grab the paintbrush and color me happy from this. But I can't help how I feel. I wish I could simply stroll along as if it didn't bother me, but I can't do that. I wish it didn't bother me, but it did. I have forgiven him for a lot of the hardships he's caused, but I haven't forgotten. He was a true bully my entire life to me, sis and our dog. If any of you truly knew what I've been through with him, you may understand where I'm coming from.

 

I was once in a commited relationship with someone who saw the monster side of my dad on numerous occasions. Things did seem lighter to me with that SO around . he'd joke about my dad being in hulk hibernation when he wouldn't return calls, etc. I'd actually laugh, I wish I could get there again on my own.

 

Anyway, since there are 2 threads on this, the update is: I text my dad asking if our get together suggestion was an April Fools joke by him. I inserted a couple of smiley emojis after that text to lighten it up.

 

He responded time passed right by him and my stepmom and they forgot. He then asked if I was still in town.

 

I responded with: " I was really looking forward to seeing you. My plans stayed the same since the last time we texted, I left last Friday as planned and made it safely. I won't be back for at least 6 months, maybe we can get together then if it won't interfere with your schedule, I realize 6 mos from now is hunting season. Let's make it a goal to get together before next year?"

 

^ no response from him. It saddens me that he nor my stepmom remembered. I haven't seen them in years. You'd think they'd be a little more excited and actually remember.

Jen, this is nothing new. You've just said that he's been awful your whole life. At what point do you stop making yourself miserable over the guy? He doesn't sound worth the anguish, and that IS a decision you get to make.

Replace the word "can't" with "won't" in this choice for accuracy. Then make a better choice.

Jen, this is nothing new. You've just said that he's been awful your whole life. At what point do you stop making yourself miserable over the guy? He doesn't sound worth the anguish, and that IS a decision you get to make.

 

Replace the word "can't" with "won't" in this choice for accuracy. Then make a better choice.

I had a good day at the new job and worked up a sweat at Planet Fitness tonight. I feel less miserable today over everything, but I still think it was incredibly rude of him and I don't believe his excuse that they both forgot. I'm over it now. He hasn't texted back and I'm not suprised nor do I care, I'm immune. Our relationship is gone and I guess that's God's way of protecting me from further heartbreak.

He was a monster growing up and into my 20s and my stepmom has always been passive-aggressive. I was in counseling as s teen and my counselor wanted a group session with all of us. My dad exploded and almost threw the chair out of the window before storming out because my counselor suggested that I live with my mom. I sat there crying. My counselor actually said, "you are clearly the adult and he is the child, and I will help you file a petition to get emancipated." Other ppl have seen the monster side of him, but it sickens me that so many ppl have not and they think he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Like my cousins. He treats them golden and sops up the attention, but my sister and I are nothing but flowers in the attic.

I've pinpointed my issue. And it's not from this single instance of him forgetting to call me for a get-together after not seeing eachother in years. But rather a long string of disappointments that go way back. Since reconnecting this year, I thought that maybe he changed and was ready for a relationship. But clearly he is not. And that's fine. I just need to keep busy and not think about what I'm missing out on, but how much brighter my life will be without him in it. He's missing out on a wonderful daughter. His loss.

He's missing out on a wonderful daughter. His loss.

Yes, ^^^^ THIS.

I can appreciate that it's disappointing, but don't set yourself up for a pile on of disappointment when the guy has never given you any real indication that he's changed at all beyond what disappointed you before.

If you set yourself up with fantasies about him, you'll only victimize your SELF every time he knocks those down.

Set your trust meter to a neutral 5 and allow people to show you over t.i.m.e. whether you'll want to invest more trust or withdraw trust. The guy has never demo'd any behaviors to warrant any increase in your investment, so why raise your trust only to drill yourself into an emotional hole after he confirms what you've always known about him?

This doesn't mean that you can never be kind and reach out to the guy, it just means you can't do so with any expectations of him without getting burned. You can find your own uses for a flame without sticking your hand in it. You can send Dad cards or messages because it makes you feel generous to do so, but once you load that interaction with expectations of him, you harm yourself.

He's a damaged guy. That doesn't excuse him, it just explains 'what is'. Assigning expectations to him is like stoking disappointment in someone who cannot run a marathon with a broken leg. It makes no sense to expect such a thing from such a person. Mistakenly doing so doesn't make you 'bad' or 'wrong,' it just makes you unhappy. So why go there? You can send the broken person some love and compassion in forms that you would enjoy sending--but those are gifts freely given, not contracts.

You'll thank yourself for understanding the difference later.

Head high.

Luv ya, Cat. Thank you for helping me out. This site is truly the best.