Not the Marriage I Expected

My wife and I have been married for 1.5 years. When we dated I knew she got bad migraines once in a while (every few months) and a few times (2-3) I took her to the ER because of the pain she was in. We went on vacation 7 months ago and since then she has been sick every day, either a migraine, nausea, tired, dizzy, etc, etc. She got h-pylori at one point too. This has been going on since the vacation (for 7 months). She works 3 days/week, 12 hours shifts as a nurse. The days she is of she is a sleep on the couch every day I come home from work.

I’m not sure what to do. She sees a Neurologist for migraines and a Gastroenterologist for the stomach issues. I go with her to the appointments and ask questions but one has answers. She gets frustrated with me when I ask her how she is feeling and what her symptoms are. It makes me feel worse because I just want to help her get better and I feel helpless.

It’s at the point that all she does o her days off is go to the gym in the morning (she says the gyms helps her head, moving around) and then sleep on the couch. Each day I come home from work she is asleep on the couch. We have zero social life at this point, sex is also zero. I feel like I have a roommate and not a wife. The only time she gets dressed up is for church and she knows that I’ll want to have sex when she looks good so most times when we get home from church she says “….can’t wait to get home to take a nap…” which equates to no sex.

I’ve asked her if she is happy with “us” and she says “yes”. I’ve asked her if she is depressed and she says “no”. I’ve asked if anything else is wrong and she says “no”.

I’m at my wits end with this and it’s difficult to differentiate between if the sickness is making her distant from me or is there something else. A few notes about her…..she is not overly sexual but we had sex at least once a week when we dated. Since we got married sex is non-existent (we didn’t even have sex on our wedding night even after she decided we should refrain from sex 8 months before our wedding and I agreed to keep her happy). I was unpleasantly surprised when she was too tired the night of our wedding to have sex, even after 8 months of waiting and she also say she had a sexy outfit for me.

Another thing about her…..if I express frustration about anything it drives her away and into a quiet spell where we don’t talk to each other for a few days and I’m trying to avoid that because that is incredibly frustrating. We tried couples therapy but we both agreed the therapist was not a good fit for us. As I type this she is asleep on the couch

Any comments welcome, thanks.

Have you read up on passive-aggressive behaviors? Passive aggressive behavior

If she isn't depressed, then there must be something else wrong with her. It must be to do with the migraines.

Yes I have.......I feel she is passive aggressive.

It's such a mystery because before she got migraines once in a while, now it's daily along with tons of other symptoms and aliments. Like I mentioned above, its like I have roommate, not a wife. I'm trying to be patient but I don't think there is any consideration for me from her and I usually don't ask for much at all.

I've had issues with migraines on and off and they do make you feel ill and tired. All you want to do is sleep. If she's asleep on the couch right now, there is something wrong with her.

If the therapist wasn't a good fit, how about finding another one?

She sleeps all day when she is not working beside going to the gym in the morning (for 2 hours). I'm sure she slept all day while I was at work today, she was not like this before.

She also does not eat red meat which I think may make the migraines worse and also attribute to other issues (tiredness).

Are your migraines better? The doctor mentioned a spinal tap.

Wow, I feel bad for you. Yup, that was my initial reaction. I suspect she is using her ailments as a way to avoid intimacy. I could be wrong, but you should explore that possibility with a new therapist. If she can go to church, work long shifts, go to the gym, etc. she can find the strength to make love to you on occasion - instead of what appears to be not at all. Good luck.

Our schedules are hard to match for therapy, a challenge we faced before, (I work 6 days/week) and her schedule is never the same because she is a nurse. We also thought the therapy may have been making things worse.

She also says the medications make her very tired too.

Yeah I'm fine. I just get one that will come on suddenly out of the blue every now and again and I get the warning signs and then I just have to ride it out. It's not fun.

They are getting fewer. I feel sorry for your wife to have to be constantly sleeping.

I feel like you aren't particularly sympathetic to her ailments. If she actually gets migraines, they are debilitating - especially at any frequency.

Try and rephrase things. If she gets mad when you ask how she is, say something about how you can't imagine how awful it is and you feel helpless because you want to make it better. What could make it better? Maybe helping more with laundry? Who knows.

To be fair - I get how frustrating this must be for you, too. It's hard to have a sick spouse. But you do come off as a bit condescending re: her illness and that can't be helpful for her.

Have you moved since getting married? If so, check the ambient air. There may be radon or carbon monoxide. I've had friends get migraines and they clear up once they move.

7 months is a long time to deal with ongoing health issues and get no where with any treatment.

Here is a quote "You can't help someone who will not help themselves". the reason why I have quoted this is because this is draining you mentally, mental draining is worse then physical draniing as you mind is always on the go.

Good luck

My mom used to get migraines. They were debilitating. She had to shut herself away in her room when it happened, draw the blinds. The medicine she took knocked her out. This went on for about a year, but it did stop. I don't think she's had a migraine in 20 years. Wow.

I feel like you aren't particularly sympathetic to her ailments. If she actually gets migraines, they are debilitating - especially at any frequency.

 

Try and rephrase things. If she gets mad when you ask how she is, say something about how you can't imagine how awful it is and you feel helpless because you want to make it better. What could make it better? Maybe helping more with laundry? Who knows.

 

To be fair - I get how frustrating this must be for you, too. It's hard to have a sick spouse. But you do come off as a bit condescending re: her illness and that can't be helpful for her.

 

Have you moved since getting married? If so, check the ambient air. There may be radon or carbon monoxide. I've had friends get migraines and they clear up once they move.

We have not moved since getting married, she moved in 1 year before our wedding and her migraines/daily sicknesses were not like they are now. I'm going to run a mold test in the house to see what it comes up with.

Yes it is frustrating, she is 34 years old and is sick everyday, we have no social life and no sex life. Sex was an issue before the constant sickness. I try and make plans for us to do things, go out, etc but she never wants to either because she is sick, tired, or just because. It's frustrating because she is such a beautiful young woman and I miss going out with her like we used to when we dated. I'm married but I feel alone. Also, as I mentioned before...she wanted us to refrain from sex 8 months before our wedding. Trying to make her happy I agreed......well 8 months came and went, even our wedding night (no sex). She said she'd work on it......it's gotten worse.

My mom used to get migraines. They were debilitating. She had to shut herself away in her room when it happened, draw the blinds. The medicine she took knocked her out. This went on for about a year, but it did stop. I don't think she's had a migraine in 20 years. Wow.

Was there anything that helped them go away?

Was there anything that helped them go away?

She took fiorinal with codeine, but it knocked her out.

Yeah I'm fine. I just get one that will come on suddenly out of the blue every now and again and I get the warning signs and then I just have to ride it out. It's not fun.

 

They are getting fewer. I feel sorry for your wife to have to be constantly sleeping.

I'm glad to hear you're better. She was like that before (could tell when one was coming on), but now they are constant, daily.

We have not moved since getting married, she moved in 1 year before our wedding and her migraines/daily sicknesses were not like they are now. I'm going to run a mold test in the house to see what it comes up with.

 

Yes it is frustrating, she is 34 years old and is sick everyday, we have no social life and no sex life. Sex was an issue before the constant sickness. I try and make plans for us to do things, go out, etc but she never wants to either because she is sick, tired, or just because. It's frustrating because she is such a beautiful young woman and I miss going out with her like we used to when we dated. I'm married but I feel alone. Also, as I mentioned before...she wanted us to refrain from sex 8 months before our wedding. Trying to make her happy I agreed......well 8 months came and went, even our wedding night (no sex). She said she'd work on it......it's gotten worse.

See, you're making it all about you. I get your struggles but I'm not hearing any sympathy or concern for her struggles either.

I've had migraines for about 25 years . My mom has had them for 69 years . And my son for 14 years . Not a happy disease I can tell you . When I was growing up my mom had them approximately every three days . The kind where she would be projectile puking across the room. When I was going through menopause I had them approximately 17 times a month . Most of them lasting three days . I had a period of time where I had one every day for six months . Nothing has got rid of them for my mother or I.

Now I have a disease even more painful than that .

Marrying someone chronically ill is difficult indeed . However, how would you like them to treat you though if you were chronically ill? Did you promise to stay together in sickness and in health ? What did you promise on the day you were married ?

If they are daily, how is she working? I had a migraine once and I stayed home in bed in the dark. How is she functioning at the gym and work with these migraines?

She took fiorinal with codeine, but it knocked her out.

Thanks.

My wife's neurologist had her changing medications weekly since this happened. The pharmacy got to know me very well.

Normally she would get Botox injections, I can't recall the other medications she was on, Depakote was one.

I know several couples who are very happily married and are celebrating anywhere from their 5th to 25th anniversaries and they did not have sex on their wedding night because the guests didn't leave until 3 am and they were utterly exhausted or even drunk.

I find that fresh air DOES help when I feel a migraine threatening to come on, but once i am in the throes, it has to be dark and quiet. I totally get how she can go to the gym. I find my migraine gets worse as the day goes on.

My migraines are hormonally tied and if I don't do something drastic, i get a really bad one that is so bad that i vomit during a certain time in my cycle much of the time. It is worse under certain conditions (dehydration, etc.). I can be more prone at times than others.

Your wife is sick. She has an illness. Maybe she needs to try new things. Chiropractor, different changes diet (there are diet triggers for a lot of people - caffeine, certain nuts, etc., ) Stop asking constantly what her symptoms are and just pour her some herbal tea once in awhile or handle something so she can rest.

Trust me, I doubt she is deliberately withdrawing sex from you. who feels like sex when your head is throbbing and you feel like you will vomit.

I will say sex CAN help a regular headache by increasing circulation maybe suggest trying to manually stimulate her even if she doesn't feel she can have full intercourse. BUT sometimes with migraines the increased circulation to the head can make it worse - but everyone has a different formula.

If they are daily, how is she working? I had a migraine once and I stayed home in bed in the dark. How is she functioning at the gym and work with these migraines?

She says she just deals with the pain, she left work early on Friday because she was dizzy. She slept until 3pm on Saturday, I took her to the ER Sunday morning and she's been home since. She is sensitive to light, noise, smells (food). She says the gym and moving around helps her head.

My husband and I have been married for the same length of time as you and your wife. My husband has a chronic illness and I've dealt with the same issues, but slightly different. He works, along with helping around the house, however we don't have sex nearly as much as we used to. It's very difficult to deal with, and unfortunately for me, I've leaned on my ex for comfort. Don't go this route. It's messy and selfish. I think your wife needs to be proactive and find out what exactly is wrong. You need to calmly tell her you're worried and you think it's effecting your marriage. Being with someone with an illness is emotionally exhausting, and people don't understand it unless they have personally dealt with it. I think you need to ask yourself if it's something you're willing to help her with and move past, knowing your marriage might not be as ideal as you thought it once would be.