In laws and Ex-Wife

Hello,

I am currently struggling (and for the past year) with some in-law and husband's ex-wife issues. I completely and totally agree with divorced parents getting along for the children and family such as aunts and uncles supporting that choice....but, not all stories are fairy tale!

My husband and his first wife split and divorced in 2001 and she re-married in '03. She met and had an online affair with a man across the pond and he moved here. She left my husband and his 2 teenage boys in their home and moved 3 hours away. My husband had a lot of trouble with his boys getting in trouble and he is not an enabler and 1 ended up in juvie and the other in a shelter. He did not have any support from his ex wife as she pretty well disappeared and he never troubled his family however they knew the story of how she left and that she was long gone never to be heard from again other than with him once every couple of years in re to something she wanted to know about the boys if she couldn't reach them.

Fast forward >> to 2016...somehow, someway, she popped up on my sister n laws facebook, then on my husbands 2 aunts, then another sister n law, then his cousins...7 in all but not my brother n laws..hmmm

All the in laws I mentioned and more have been friends with my husbands 2 sons since facebook started forever ago. my husband is not on facebook, he hates drama... His ex wife has been on facebook just as long yet no one ever friended her and no one ever had anything good to say about her either until last spring! 15 years later! I have heard some very wicked stories from my in laws in re her over the past 9 years we have been together and from the stories my husband tells me they are all right that it was better for everyone when someone finally ended their marriage which was her. The stories of family parties ruined because of alcohol and no filter, sounds like she created a lot of drama at times and I actually have witnessed it myself as she was known around town.

Now, both sons have and are having babies, they are in their 30's. From what I am guessing, my in laws felt the need to become her friend on facebook to feel apart of their nephews lives or she extended friend requests..I really don't know. My husbands youngest son doesn't talk to him since his juvie stint as many years ago as his parents divorced, and his oldest and closest son since moving in with his mother 4 years ago for 1 year doesn't keep in contact with his father hardly at all now, however it was never like that in the past prior to moving in with his mother. These boys never lived with their mother after she left other than the oldest as I said 4 years ago and that is where he met his now wife and babies mother and she and his mother are very very close. He only lived with his mother for the 1 year as I said and things between my husband and him are not close now. I have tried to be friends with my step sons wife however I know she feels loyalty to his mother...ironic isn't it?

I find it very difficult to watch my husbands family all hugs and kisses xoxo and friendly banter and memory sharing over old pics nauseating and so does my husband when I tell him whats been happening on facebook. He wanted to email his ex and tell her to buzz off but I told him my opinion was not his ex that needs to be told but his family and that he should say having a relationship with his grown adult sons doesn't require a relationship with his ex..never did for almost 16 years! and ya'll never liked her or hid it. But even I know that would be harder for him lol

So, finally at Christmas past, I and my sister n laws were sitting in the kitchen and one brought up facebook and I took the opportunity to say and oh by the way, your brother is pissed you're all friends now with is ex after all these years and she was like oh well it's because of the babies and I said yeah but no one has been friends with her all these years and it really doesn't change anything, you all communicate separately with your nephews and always have, they post all their baby pictures and news on their own. my other sister n law either heard and pretended not to or just doesn't care because she's one of the worst at being all buddy buddy with her now and she had the best gossip about the ex too! It's all very weird and my husband and I are very private about what we put on social media - his wife left him for someone online so he's not all that fond of it and that's a personal thing, he does not stop me but neither of us wanted our ex's to have the opportunity to look into our lives and now it's very difficult, I don't want to see her life and we don't want her to see into ours so it makes it difficult to share our pics and I really don't feel like commenting on my family's comments under hers..it's just really annoying. I never mentioned that she came to town within the 2 months my husband and I got together and were dating to visit her sons after she had been gone 5 years - she came to stir up crap, even managed to get me aside to put down my man to me, then turned around and wanted him to massage her poor back..he was all awkward and didn't know what to do, rubbed her for a second and exited stage left, she says to me that that was the only good thing he could do and then insisted we take her to the grocery store so she could make dinner...it just so happened to be schnitzel - his fav...he insisted he pick up Chinese...we never saw her again cause she was being her vindictive drama s**t disturbing self. my in laws know allll about this and at the time were mortified at her behavior as usual in the past.

Are we wrong in feeling a bit betrayed by all this? Any advice on how to handle it? the sister n law that acknowledged what I said has never mentioned to my husband what I said. I feel like an idiot because he won't mention it or bring it up to her either because he says there hasn't been the right time and now I wonder if she thinks it's only me who feels this way cause he hasn't said a word to her! They are both non confrontational people but it's just making it awkward now for me - I don't even want to go out with them like we used to...no ones saying anything! I see her and the ex's communication has slowed right down and is not so in your face but hasn't stopped completely either.

Thanks in advance!

Your husbands family are related to his kids. Let them handle their extended family however they wish. Don't get involved or expect your husband to cause drama within his family because of the actions of his kids' mother or his kids.

Like it or not she is the mother of those 2 sons. So yeah, she will be a part of all your lives in some way or another. If after so many years the family have decided to bury the hatched, that's actually a good thing. You should be the last person to be sticking your nose in this, stirring up the pot and causing more drama. How they handle her is up to them and not you. You have absolutely no business commenting on it. If your husband isn't happy about it, then HE needs to address it with his own family, not you.

Once you have children with somebody they are a part of your life for forever until you die .

It's just really strange to see people who never had a kind word or had much of a relationship while she was married to their brother be all family like now...there were fights where my husband didn't talk to his family because his ex was fighting with them for over a year...that happened twice ...last time they spoke of her to me they were happy she was gone...16 years is a long time to be gone and then be excepted back like nothing ever happened.

The sons have a relationship with their mother, no one has ever condemned that.

And I agree that my husband should have spoke up, now its dominoed and more and more family are friends on fb with her, now he doesn't know how to handle it.. he doesn't want to offend anyone even though he feels very offended no one has even asked his thoughts or feelings about it.

16 years is actually long enough for people to grow up, quit holding grudges, let go of the past and start over on better footing.

I wish I could agree however there is so much negative history I could never write it all down, it would be a novel...we're talking cheating, up and leaving your kids, alcoholism, drugs, and abuse...but yeah I guess she never grew up and we should be supportive even when she's alienated her sons from their dad

Ok so your husband infiltrated you with all her sins, so? His extended family and kids are still related and she is the mom.

Stay out of this, it's a headache you don't need. Focus on your immediate family, marriage itself, your own kids and their relationship with their dad. These are your concerns not your husbands family or ex.

I guess she never grew up and we should be supportive even when she's alienated her sons from their dad

I'm not understanding the big deal of Facebook. I think you are just creating more drama for yourself by paying too much attention to what goes on on Facebook with his ex wife and his family.

It is their choice to speak with her, you really have no right to be mad about that. That is his kids mother, of course she is going to be in contact with her kids relatives at one point or the other.

I'd suggest you let this go because I don't see the problem here other than its a good thing your husband's mother is more involved with her kid's lives. You are just creating drama and problems when there isn't anything.

People fight, they stop talking and sometimes they mend the relationship many years down the road. It's not a bad thing and you really have no control over what his relatives do. No one is upset here other than you. Like you mentioned it's been 16 years, sometimes people are more at peace to just let things go instead of holding grudges.

I wish I could agree however there is so much negative history I could never write it all down, it would be a novel...we're talking cheating, up and leaving your kids, alcoholism, drugs, and abuse...but yeah I guess she never grew up and we should be supportive even when she's alienated her sons from their dad

But that is the past and is between your husband and her. It really has nothing to do with you. She didn't do anything to you.

I wish I could agree however there is so much negative history I could never write it all down, it would be a novel...we're talking cheating, up and leaving your kids, alcoholism, drugs, and abuse...but yeah I guess she never grew up and we should be supportive even when she's alienated her sons from their dad

Please understand that your husband wasn't just an innocent wallflower in his life and what was going on with this sons. He had influence and likely made some bad choices and decisions himself. The sons are now 30 year old adults. They are not brainwashed children. What you know is biased, so you would be wise to take it with a large grain of salt. You'd be even wiser to keep out of the family drama that is absolutely none of your business. Don't meddle feeling like you are some great protector of your husband because the only thing you will achieve is wreck the family relationships for yourself and him too. He is a grown adult and doesn't need your interference. Have some respect for him.

My husbands mother is not involved with his kids, she is in a home with alzheimers and my husband thinks if she was still her self she would be aghast at what her daughters are doing with the daughter in law that turned around and didnt look back and left everyone else to pick up the pieces....there are humans in the world that are not nice and people...this woman did alot of damage and is a very vindictive vengeful person... I am not trying to instigate a problem in this family which has been my family for almost 10 years...we have all been open and honest and this fb thing is like a big secret amongst everyone now, no one said a word for a year because they know the truth of how their brother would feel

My husbands mother is not involved with his kids, she is in a home with alzheimers and my husband thinks if she was still her self she would be aghast at what her daughters are doing with the daughter in law that turned around and didnt look back and left everyone else to pick up the pieces....there are humans in the world that are not nice and people...this woman did alot of damage and is a very vindictive vengeful person... I am not trying to instigate a problem in this family which has been my family for almost 10 years...we have all been open and honest and this fb thing is like a big secret amongst everyone now, no one said a word for a year because they know the truth of how their brother would feel

For goodness sake's, it's only freaking Facebook! Let it go! I tried to be nice but you are just really wrapped up on being right and everyone is wrong for talking to her. It doesn't matter because it is none of your business whom they talk to. It doesn't matter if she's the worst person in this world, it's their decision to talk to her. You should focus on your relationship with your husband and YOUR family together with him. Don't let his ex impact your relationship, she's an ex for a reason. Keep it that way.

Well I have known her for 24 years, she actually was a friend of mine long ago when she was married to my husband. She disappeared for a long time while still married to my husband and then when she started her online affair she called me to confide in as I was not friends with her ex, my now husband...he never knew I knew until we started dating...she used to use me as a cover which I never knew until hubby and I started dating..I know everything unfortunately from BOTH sides...I know things no one knows about her. I was at her second wedding. When they did split up I never heard from her again until I ended up with her ex 6 years later and she had moved 3 hours away and made the special trip to see her boys whom did not live with us and myself because I had cancer and that's when she started causing crap in MY marriage...she got drunk and came on to my husband and was all mushy mushy and it took a year to get her to stop calling my house...my in laws know all about it and thought she was crazy.

SO, I tried to keep my original post not so full of history but that's a bit right there.

People do weird things that might make us scratch our heads.

But, bottom line, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

You husband doesn't appear to be interested in this crusade so for the sake of your marriage, look the other way.

You honestly don't have a choice in the matter.

It's up to you. You let it continue to eat you up alive. Or you look away and focus on the positive things in your life and marriage.

You can't control what other people do. The sooner you accept this the more at peace you will be.

Besides. . it takes so much more effort to be angry and spiteful. Being kind and forgiving is easier, if you allow it to be.

Apparently his family can.

If everyone has forgiven and forgotten, how come everyone forgot to mention where they were at now with her to their brother(cousin, nephew)? Maybe if it wasn't such a secret and was mentioned we wouldn't feel this way. My husbands son lives 2000 miles away, my husband has never seen his grand daughter yet. His sons wife and baby were here visiting for 2 weeks and with his ex for a portion of that. His son never called the 2 weeks he was home alone to say hey dad, if you want to see your first grand daughter I'll let my wife know and you can meet up...we have met his wife. My husband has another grandchild on the way, I saw it on fb long after it was announced and that was why I mentioned fb to my sister in law and dealing with his ex because on top of that, his family knew he had another grandchild on the way for 2 months and never said a word....what gives? When my stepsons wife posts the gifts people send to the baby cause they're so far away, the ex and her hubbys gifts are posted with pics as being from grandma and grandpa and then she'll post pics of what we send and its "this is the outfits Bob's dad and Mary sent, no grandpa titles for my husband...everything changed somewhere along the line and we're just scratching our heads. We just loaned his son a 1000 dollars in total since November...

Maybe he needs to ask himself why he is out of the loop on these things?

It sort of doesn't add up that everyone knows but him.

But this is between he and his family. You cant fight this fight for him if he doesn't want to

Exactly my point....since she has come back into the fold there have been strange things that would never have happened before

The family sounds drama laden. 'For the babies' makes no sense, as the kids are adults and the grandmother doesn't have to be involved for the family to see their babies. So it's an obvious load of s/t, and there's something else going on. All the more reason to stay out of it. I wouldn't worry about them, as they can do whatever they want, even if they've been ragging on the ex to you for years.

What I would do is now if anyone b/ tches about another one to you, including your hubby about his fam or ex, in one ear and out the other. You should do that anyways. And if it's persistent, just change the subject or tell them it's not your business.

I'd limit looking on Facebook too, or do some adjusting there so you don't have to see all that.

Let them sort out their own, though it will probably never happen.

Well I have known her for 24 years, she actually was a friend of mine long ago when she was married to my husband. She disappeared for a long time while still married to my husband and then when she started her online affair she called me to confide in as I was not friends with her ex, my now husband...he never knew I knew until we started dating...she used to use me as a cover which I never knew until hubby and I started dating..I know everything unfortunately from BOTH sides...I know things no one knows about her. I was at her second wedding. When they did split up I never heard from her again until I ended up with her ex 6 years later and she had moved 3 hours away and made the special trip to see her boys whom did not live with us and myself because I had cancer and that's when she started causing crap in MY marriage...she got drunk and came on to my husband and was all mushy mushy and it took a year to get her to stop calling my house...my in laws know all about it and thought she was crazy.

 

SO, I tried to keep my original post not so full of history but that's a bit right there.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, have you considered counselling for this? You are having a hard time letting the past go and realized that you are probably better off not getting involved with this. Maybe if you talk to someone (a therapist) he/she could help you work out this issue you are having. Sometimes it really does help to talk to a therapist to let go of the past.

It seems like you have quite the history with her and somewhere along the lines (I understand she did horrible things) you grew this thorn of hatred for her that you can't let go of. Now you don't want anyone around you (including his relatives) to be friends with her and to side with you.

Everyone here is giving you the same advice for a reason. We are all looking at the bigger picture and giving you non-biased opinions. Again, you are still trying to prove a point and reasoning behind why you are right. Sometimes it's not about being right, it's about living in peace. It's about your mental and emotional stability. Now, is your husband's ex wife worth your time and effort on all of this? Shouldn't spend anymore time analyzing what's she's doing, it's a waste of time.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I guess I was looking for someone to say we were justified for how we feel.

I never did say that once the family started adding her as a a friend on fb because of the babies coming and then after that because of the distance that my step son and wife live, there was an online baby shower started on fb that I did try to bury the so called hatchet and requested her friendship on fb to see if there was anything I could do since I was included in the shower and she declined so I know I already tried to take a step in the right direction and I never told my in laws she declined because I guess I actually was relieved and Im not chasing her to be her friend after 16 years and after what she did when she came to visit.

And I thought it was "just fb" too but the communications are fast and furious and weird...she is the type of person and I am not exaggerating to be getting quite the kick out of all this. She undoubtedly knows hubby would rather she stay in his past in re his family as he has managed to keep her there until now.

I suppose when my sister n law posted a pic from years ago and my stepsons wife asked if it was my husband and the ex was on it so fast before anyone else could answer and answered her question with details instead of just letting one of us answer was unsettling. She is behaving in a way in my opinion that most ex wives would not. I think most ex's would not be this involved even on fb. Since she has arrived there, I have been pushed out because I will not compete for air time and see who can type faster.

Because we know the relationship she has with her hubby's ex which is - he is not allowed to speak to her and she has litterally gotten into swearing/yelling matches on the phone with name calling with his ex wife telling her to stay out of their lives when the woman called needing financial assistance for his adult daughters (whom she calls spoiled little b****hes) she would just have done the same as she expects from his ex and stayed away...thank goodness I have not had to have her calling me a fat cow over the phone!

We are not children, we are in our mid 50's and I feel like this is high school crap from a woman who waited for the perfect opportunity to jump back in and manipulate people with her grandma title when she couldn't even be a mother first and that's the truth. I kept my mouth shut over all this for a very long time as has my husband because we both know her personality and knew she would derive great pleasure knowing it annoyed us. And hubby is upset that his family knows how he felt and family before friends is being totally ignored. My ex did all the same things to me she is doing and they thought both our ex's were nuts because we talked like families do and had their support so we thought.

Why not just chalk her up as someone you don't like and don't want in your life and leave it at that? What she is to others is nothing to you, it's not your business or concern, which is a weight off your shoulders. You say your husband hates drama, but it may be you are drawn to drama because you are so focused on the drama around her (and within your thoughts). You do not have to like her. Others get to make their own choices about that, and it does not necessarily mean they don't like you or that you need to be in competition with her. If Facebook is bringing you more stress than you like, you don't have to be on it and can spend your time on other more rewarding things. You get to choose your thoughts, reactions, behavior, and language, as well as the stories and interpretations you tell yourself. (We all do that, tell stories to ourselves, interpreting and filtering our experiences and often giving them meaning; how we do it affects how we actually experience the world around us.)

This. You do not have to like everyone in a spouse's extended or previous family. However you have to respect them. That means be cordial and have good boundaries.

Why not reset all your social media settings to reflect more about your own family, friends, children, etc and phase these people out by limiting visible content?

Why not just chalk her up as someone you don't like and don't want in your life and leave it at that?

Thank you everyone for your advice. I guess I was looking for someone to say we were justified for how we feel. .

I think we've told you that you are justified to how you feel, but. . .there is nothing you can do about it.

So what do you do with things that are out of your control? You find another way to deal with it.

Personally, I choose to not spin out over things I can't change. I just end up hurting myself.

I think we've told you that you are justified to how you feel, but. . .there is nothing you can do about it.

So what do you do with things that are out of your control? You find another way to deal with it.

 

Personally, I choose to not spin out over things I can't change. I just end up hurting myself.

I agree. It's the simplest solution. Not always easy, but the simplest, and the one that gives your power back to you, for your benefit and happiness.