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Thread: He has a fiance, It's been 6 months, and I still can't stop crying

  1. #1
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    He has a fiance, It's been 6 months, and I still can't stop crying

    Hello.
    I'm 23 and my ex-bf of about 2 years broke up with me in August of last year (2016). This story will take a while to tell because it's quite complicated.
    We first met an EMT-Basic class at school in 2014. At the time, my mom and I just barely could afford to lease a car, and I worked as a tutor (self-employed). He was 29 at the time. We lived in the same surrounding city, but were about 30 miles apart. We both knew there wasn't any time to date during the school year, but during the Christmas break, we went on a few dates. Our chemistry was amazing and we both felt an emotional and mental connection, too. But he would act a little strangely...
    and this is where my mom comes into play... I live with my mom and love her to death and I know everything she does is what she thinks is in the best interest. She noticed his odd behavior - I can't remember any specific examples right now, but she thought he had some sort of underlying medical condition. But aside from that-- she LOVED HIM, which was VERY unusual for her. Most of my ex's she hated with a passion (except for my 1st high school sweetheart). Because of some of my *cough cough* past behavior she didn't approve of and thought was inappropriate and she caught me trying to cover-up/lie about it, she has always read allll of my texts, listened to allll of my phone calls, read alll of my emails/Skypes/FB messages, etc... so in other words, no privacy...at all...unless it was in-person and you could keep your mouth shut at all times... Anyway... she knew everything we texted about, talked about, etc... Part of it, I'm always glad to share with her...but other parts...not so much...
    Anyway, during the Christmas break, I was working my butt off as usual to earn money. My mom and I are very poor (for 2 people) and she goes to school full time to get a job soon. So, I work +40 hrs/week to support both of us. He knew about this, but he didn't seem to really understand how bad our situation was and how much I'd have to work. Sometimes, I could be unrealistic and think that I would have time (and it turns out I wouldn't). (And I can just hear people saying now "If you love someone, you MAKE time for them" and I will explain more in a moment).
    During the Christmas break of that year and throughout our ENTIRE relationship, there were 2-3 main issues:
    1. I never saw him more than 1 time per month, if we were lucky
    2. My mom increasingly disliked him, which put ENORMOUS influence and strain on me (she thought he had a mental condition and needed intensive therapy, which influenced me into thinking that he needed to "change" and "get better")
    3. I started feeling as though he had no empathy or sympathy for me (but this was due to a multiple of factors, none of which I think were ever his fault)

    No one is perfect, I know, but I could have accepted him for who he was IF (I think) my mom hadn't said a thing, done a thing.

    We had multiple spats and bumps and near-break ups because of the three main issues mentioned above. #1 and #2 were SEVERE issues on and off for two years...

    Now, everyone's wondering: why in the name of God did you not see him more??? Well, let's see, if I work 12 hours per day 7 days a week and sleep for 8 hours every day, that only leaves me with 28 hours per week. Those 28 hours were used travelling to and from lessons, eating, paying bills, doing laundry, running errands, and seeing my brother.
    Your next question: why couldn't he do any of those things with you?? Eating, even laundry, errands, giving you rides to lessons?
    1. My home is falling apart because my mom and I don't have enough money to repair everything. It would cost $10,000 or more total. I'm too embarrassed to have anyone come over.
    2. Mom wouldn't let him drive me beyond 5 miles of our home.
    3. The more Mom disliked him, the less she wanted me to see him
    Next question: Why in the heck were you in a relationship at all?
    Answer: Because I don't have any co-workers, I get lonely... Everyone wants a significant other, right? I wanted a companion, a lover, a best friend. Someone who would be there for me - at least in the way that I could talk to them and be intimate with them... Someone who I could have romantic fun with... PLUS, as I mentioned before, sometimes I would THINK I would have time and I wouldn't...

    There's more to this story but I'll post this and see what people think. I have a feeling it will take several more posts to get the whole story out there.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    If I am reading your information correctly...

    You are working and putting yourself through school. You're a full-time worker and student.
    You're very close to your mom; to the point you are working to provide for the two of you.
    The boyfriend doesn't get to see you often (once a month if lucky). He's not happy or "empathetic" toward your situation.
    Your mother **SOMEHOW** doesn't like him.

    Some things I'd like to comment:

    But aside from that-- she LOVED HIM, which was VERY unusual for her. Most of my ex's she hated with a passion (except for my 1st high school sweetheart). Because of some of my *cough cough* past behavior she didn't approve of and thought was inappropriate and she caught me trying to cover-up/lie about it, she has always read allll of my texts, listened to allll of my phone calls, read alll of my emails/Skypes/FB messages, etc... so in other words, no privacy...at all...

    Is she currently doing this with your current boyfriend? I really hope she isn't. I would be very pissed off if my personal text messages were shared with my partner's parents because they were NOT meant for them to be read. It breaches relationship privacy. Remember... relationships are built on trust, and you will lose your boyfriend's trust if you are sharing personal conversations with your parents. No partner is willing to put up with that at all.

    Ok, so you were not a saint growing up and may have had a lousy choice of men... but you are an adult now and have to be your own person. Part of being an adult is making decisions for yourself. She has ZERO SAY on who you choose to date, be intimate with, etc. NONE. Your relationship and interaction with your boyfriend is NONE of her business. You are not a child anymore and she doesn't need to supervise you or give unwarranted opinions about your boyfriend. She doesn't like him? Tough S**t, she's not dating him or is the one that might be marrying him! He is not a part of her life and she needs to keep her opinions to herself unless he is abusing you.

    You have to be your own person... and you can't the longer you linger around your mother.

    My mom and I are very poor (for 2 people) and she goes to school full time to get a job soon. So, I work +40 hrs/week to support both of us. He knew about this, but he didn't seem to really understand how bad our situation was and how much I'd have to work.
    He wants independence with you. This is an absolutely reasonable request. He wants an adult relationship with you. He is not responsible for your mother and you are actively choosing her over him. Quite frankly, I don't blame him for being frustrated with this dynamic- especially the part that he barely sees you and you devote most of your attention to family.

    You're going to lose him if you are choosing your mother's side all the time. In reality, he isn't feeling like he is the most important person to you if he is always coming second between you and your mother. This is what it means to be a Mama's Girl.

    The real reason why your mother DOES NOT like him is probably because she feels threatened by him... he's going to swoop you up, and she will suddenly have her livelihood compromised. She's going to start paying the bills on her own. No more money given to her because you will have your own immediate family to care for if you marry him. You're going to stop financially supporting her through school too.

    She's poor? Apply for financial aid like all the other schmucks who want a college education. We can't all live with luxuries like going to college or having over $50,000 annual salaries. She doesn't have to rely on you for tuition costs- she made a choice to go to school and has to pay up if she wants to continue her education. Is she working a part-time job? Why can't she work a campus job and get her tuition rates reduced?



    But in all seriousness, you need to work out your time management if you want to be in a relationship. A relationship cannot grow with limited contact and upholding other responsibilities; they take a huge effort to maintain. If you're mother's well being is more important, then you do not have time for a relationship. At this point, you need to decide which one is more important and come up with a game plan to sort it out. No one here on the forums can help you any further until you make that decision.
    Last edited by Snny; 04-02-2017 at 11:13 PM.

  3. #3
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    well, it's already too late... he broke up with me 6 months ago and he has a fiance

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    My mom's history is complicated, btw... she has done financial aid and she has run out of it... no school will give her any more.

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    I think I'll have to address more of what you put after I tell more of the story at another time, like tomorrow. But thank you for what you put so far. I'll have to digest it for a while lol.

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    Why couldn't your mom do laundry and run errands?

    Why did she give some arbitrary limit of 5 miles that he could drive you? And WHY did you give her the control to make this decision?

    Your mom wants you for herself. Well, looky...she got what she wanted.

    Hope you realize your mom will NEVER, EVER like any man you date. Because she'd have to do her own laundry and run her own errands and maybe she'd even have to get a job.

    I'm a mother to two adult children and no way would I ever even think of interfering in their lives in ANY way unless they were criminals or had drug issues.

    Are you willing to stay single forever in order to cater to your mother?

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    We run errands and do laundry together. She does do a lot of laundry, groceries, etc while I'm teaching.

    Our lives are complicated...

  9. #8
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    The relationship you have with your mother has some really poor boundaries and I'm afraid that it has rendered you essentially undateable. If I couldn't drive my adult girlfriend more than 5 miles away from her home because her mommy doesn't allow it we wouldn't last. If there's one thing worse than a mama's boy it's a mama's girl, and you two take it to an extreme.

    I know this doesn't help with what you are experiencing right now and I'm sorry you are hurting. But the best thing you can do right now is to learn this sad lesson and begin to move forward with your life and improve it.

    The most important thing is to establish better boundaries with your mother. This is the age when you should be building your own life and making it something you can share with another person. That can't happen as long as your mother is being an overbearing vampire. I'm sorry to talk harshly about her, but it's the truth.

  10. #9
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    BTW, none of the three things you thought people would ask are even remotely what anyone is wondering.

    The only question is how you can possibly expect to have a romantic relationship as long as you're allowing your mom to interfere in your life.

  11. #10
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    You have a very unhealthy enmeshed relationship with your mom that you will regret when you are middle aged and single.

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