Just don't no what to do

Been with boyfriend 5 years . At the beginning of my relationship I found on his history he was watching porn / Web Cam girls. This hurt me massively and to this day it still does . Things have been going well but he now will be starting a new job which will mean he will be away at hotels a lot / long hours . This may sound ridiculous but all I'm imagining is him in this hotel room getting off to porn etc. Which hurts me so much . He's never been away from me before so if this happens I don't no how to deal with it . All I will be thinking is what's he been up to and I just no I will start resenting him to the point I don't even no if the relationship would last. Yes I have massive self esteem issues but him doing this to me at the start of the relationship has really ruined things , I sound controlling but I don't even leave the house with him at home due to me worrying to much about what he might do/look at. Please help.

Have you spoken to him about it and how it makes you feel?

Have you spoken to him about it and how it makes you feel?

Excellent question - and if so, OP, what was his response / the two of your understanding about how to resolve the conflict?

What's this insecurity about? Masturbating to porn is not unusual or cheating. This doesn't "hurt you", it makes you feel insecure.

Only therapy will fix this obsession. Did you suffer from OCD before? Why do you have self esteem problems? Reinvent yourself while he's away. Work out, get in shape, take exercise and yoga classes to relax, get a new hairstyle and clothes.

Take some courses or lessons. Get involved with family and friends. Volunteer. Become more secure and interesting and independent.

Are you afraid he will up his game to hookers? Are you afraid that you can't police him while he's away?

I'm imagining is him in this hotel room getting off to porn etc. I will be thinking is what's he been up to and I just no I will start resenting him to the point I don't even no if the relationship would last. I sound controlling but I don't even leave the house with him at home due to me worrying to much about what he might do/look at. Please help.

Excellent question - and if so, OP, what was his response / the two of your understanding about how to resolve the conflict?

Thankyou for replying. He doesn't no how I feel about the porn thing I have kept this bottled up . But he knows I'm not happy about him going to hotels etc but what can I do its his job .

To me I feel it is cheating. All.that goes on is my head is why am I not good enough , proably because I have next to no boobs and I'm not exactly skinny like these lovely looking people in porn! It hurts me massively and I can't see this changing anytime soon. I have High morals I guess and I just don't expect it from a partner of nearly 6 years.

Thankyou for replying. He doesn't no how I feel about the porn thing I have kept this bottled up . But he knows I'm not happy about him going to hotels etc but what can I do its his job .

Is there any reason why you would not feel comfortable speaking with him about your feelings?

I think that his focus will be on his new job, not being naughty in a hotel room, if that helps. You said things are going well - I don't think that you should worry that he's trying to get away with anything.

What would you say? "You're not allowed to masturbate" like you're his mother and he's 12?

Were you brought up to believe that this or sex is "dirty"?

There seems to be much deeper issues such as your lack of trust, controlling him like a child, over-dependence, etc. How is your sex life? Has he ever cheated?

THe doesn't no how I feel about the porn thing I have kept this bottled up .

I don't even leave the house with him at home due to me worrying to much about what he might do/look at. Please help.

Did I read this right? You don't leave the house in fear he'll look at porn in your absence?

Look. . .everyone is different and I am not going to tell you that this should not bother you.

(I personally draw the line at webs cams tho)

If you haven't shared with him how you feel about this. .then this is a great place to start.

You both have things that you're withholding from each other. He doesn't know you know about the porn and he doesn't know

how you feel about it.

Being afraid to leave him alone for a minute suggests that this discussion is long overdue and way out of hand.

Now with his impending travel, you'll need to speak up. I don't see any way around it.

See if there is some sort of compromise. You may never know unless you ask.

Men need porn to masturbate, there is nothing strange about it. It is not cheating, if you have male friends ask them about and they will probably confirm it.

Look, when women masturbate we don t need to watch porn because we use our imagination, we also need some pictures, a story it doesn t work by itself, but men they don t usually have the time, energy and imagination for that so for them the easiest way to do it, to just watch porn. If he is nice to you, doesn t neglect you I wouldn t worry.

To me I feel it is cheating. All.that goes on is my head is why am I not good enough , proably because I have next to no boobs and I'm not exactly skinny like these lovely looking people in porn! It hurts me massively and I can't see this changing anytime soon. I have High morals I guess and I just don't expect it from a partner of nearly 6 years.

You can't control anybody's imagination. Just because he doesn't watch porn. Doesn't mean he can't think of somebody else.

It's normal. What matters is that he is with you and you need to trust him.

good luck.

you shuld talk to him about this. Every couple should always talk what they consider cheating in a relationship. There are things like having sex with someone else that majority of people consider cheating. But watching porn or masturbating is not universally considered cheating. I have no problem if my partner watches porn. So you can't be upset over something you haven't discussed and he doesn't know he is upseting you. You need to talk and let him know how it makes you feel.

I think the actual problem is your low selfesteem. You need to work on that. Talk to him and explain your view. Maybe you could watch together what he likes so you could be more comfortble. In my opinion the live webcam things are a bit borderline cases of cheating so you could agree on what you are ok with?

Is it the porn or is it masturbating? Would it be ok to you if he masturbates without visual aid?

All of these people condemning pornography is absolute horse . It is in no way normal for anyone to get off to a screen. Absolutely nit normal and don't let these people tell you otherwise. I don't know how strong of a connection you two have but, you need to address it. Even if it means blocking off certain things but if he were to avoid getting better about this I would highly consider the fact you deserve better. ANYTHING that makes you feel that badly about yourself, your partner should take extremely seriously. If it hurts you they should not be doing it, period. And again no it is not normal. Americans unfortunately are numb to pornography and dismiss it as ordinary. But it IS NOT. You don't see animals ing off to videos of other animals.

Anyway you need to tell him plain and simple that this behavior destroys you. in my opinion if somebody does not take your pain seriously they are not really all for you and are too selfish. If he doesn't want to get better and doesn't acknowledge your pain that will speak for itself

He hates any sort of confrontation ,don't get me wrong I confronted him all those years ago that I didn't agree with it etc and since then I have had no reason to be suspicious that he's been up to no good but now I know he has the oppitunity to stay nights away without me all I'm thinking is he will watch those can girls again which I would probably never find out but it would always be in my head to the point of I don't know of the relationship would survive for his sake and mine.

All of these people condemning pornography is absolute horse . It is in no way normal for anyone to get off to a screen. Absolutely nit normal and don't let these people tell you otherwise. I don't know how strong of a connection you two have but, you need to address it. Even if it means blocking off certain things but if he were to avoid getting better about this I would highly consider the fact you deserve better. ANYTHING that makes you feel that badly about yourself, your partner should take extremely seriously. If it hurts you they should not be doing it, period. And again no it is not normal. Americans unfortunately are numb to pornography and dismiss it as ordinary. But it IS NOT. You don't see animals ing off to videos of other animals.

 

Anyway you need to tell him plain and simple that this behavior destroys you. in my opinion if somebody does not take your pain seriously they are not really all for you and are too selfish. If he doesn't want to get better and doesn't acknowledge your pain that will speak for itself

You have a valid point and it's a good look at an alternate view.

BUT. . people often have insecurities of their own that need to be addressed.

We can't make other people responsible for things we need to work on ourselves.

She admits to not feeling good about her body and having massive self esteme issues.

Had she felt differently about herself would this bother her as much?

I don't think the porn `destroys' her. It sounds like the porn triggers the insecurities she already had.

@ella5, express your fears to him

It's not really the masturbating ,it's the fact he wants to look at other naked woman . And yes the Web Cam girls destroye's me to think he could do it again. He knows I don't approve of this sort of thing , I don't even like it when he watches a film with naked people . I'm aware I sound like a compete idiot but it's gone so far now ,my head feels like it's going to explode and I'm nw thinking is the only way il be happy is being single.

You so need to speak to him. It will destroy you completely if you dont. He obviously loves you after almost 6 years but he wont recognise the effect his actions (which are fairly normal btw) are having. I am having counselling at the moment and I totally relate to what you are saying. I bottled it up and it has destroyed me. Not really his actions, but it planted a seed in my head. My husband stares at other women constantly. (Not a cheeky glance but a full of stare, once for over an hour, he completely ignored me at dinner. This has had a similar effect on me that you describe).

That seed has grown. I lie awake most nights wondering should I dye my hair blonde / lose weight / go red haired/ change my eye colour / change my dress sense because I dont look like the women he looks at ( half my age and half my size).

Its exhausting and pointless. I am trying to accept the fact that her married me because he loves me and that there will always be someone prettier / sexier / funnier / slimmer / more intelligent than me and I can't compete with the world, thats just unrealistic.

But is so hard, I dont like myself, let alone love myself but talking to him about how it makes me feel has opened up some good communication between us, and I asked how he would feel if it was the other way around and he admitted he wouldnt like it and he would probably feel inadequate if I keep looking at any young fit man who walked past.

You can expect him to understand or know how to reassure you if he doesnt know there is a problem.

So you're all upset because of something you think he MIGHT do???

Thats what insecurity does. It makes you worry about the future so much that you miss the present. Its very destructive and goes out of control if you dont get a grip of it. X

I believe the real issue is not with him watching porn, but is with your insecurity.

I agree with many of the members here in saying you need to explain your feelings to him about it. His reaction will determine whether or not he is worth your time. If he reacts positively and says he will try to stop, then you're OK. If he reacts negatively, then he doesn't care about it makes you feel.

Either way - I would stress the importance of making strides to improving your self-esteem and lowering your insecurity. That is where your strength will lie when deeper issues arise.

What if he hired live escorts rather than just masturbated to porn now that he's got the privacy of a company paid hotel?

I'm thinking is he will watch those can girls again which I would probably never find out but it would always be in my head to the point of I don't know of the relationship would survive for his sake and mine.

To me I feel it is cheating.

Let me just clear this up for you...its not cheating

Only going to therapy and getting in shape and getting better nutrition and improving your confidence will help this, not policing him.

You are trying to fix yourself by trying to fix him.

And yes that's controlling and furthermore it never fixes the real problem with your self esteem.

All.that goes on is my head is why am I not good enough , proably because I have next to no boobs and I'm not exactly skinny like these lovely looking people in porn

Have you tried watching porn together?