Need some tough love. Attracted to coworker in a relationship

This lesbian coworker who is in a longterm relationship (not living together not engaged but serious nonetheless) is heavily flirting with me AND admitting she is attracted to me, even developing some feelings BUT it is nothing more than a flirt.

Her relationship started out as a flirt as well bc she was with another girl back then and now she is with this one. But she states she doesn't want to hurt anyone like that anymore. So she clearly states this is a flirt and she really enjoys it for what it is.

This just has red flags written all over it, and I know it and want to put a stop to this because I want to respect another person's relationship and I should respect myself more than agreeing to be the side-girl to have a fling with.

But still I can't help but have these feelings of attraction towards her. A part of me is longing for her attention and another part knows this is seriously damaging.

Normally in such a case I would go no contact, but I have to work on a daily basis with this one.

So welcome to your words of tough love and advice.. please no "she has a gf, back off" because I know this already and am no homebreaker whatsoever but I am hurting a little here..

It's fine to be attracted to people, have crushes,etc. But keep your eyes open for available people.

You already know this is wrong and she isn't a very good person to do what she has done in the past and what she is doing now but you also like the attention and sexual tension between you.

This is where your moral and ethical compass needs to be strong.

It might be best to have a discussion with her and set some boundaries and be firm about them. Like you don't want any conversations between you two that she couldn't have in front of her gf. Of course messing around with a coworker is trouble all by itself too.

You are very correct that if this continues it will only damage your self worth and your reputation within the company. With all the red flags and damage this can cause why risk everything for her? Certainly there are other women aren't there?

Lost

Why don't you simply tell her that unless she's single your really not going to go there.

But then it's the whole co-worker romance thing, so....... But why not tackle one problem at a time?

.....It takes two to flirt......so if you stop responding and stick to being strictly professional, she will have no choice but to be the same.....

Anyway, what is it with you always being so drawn to such damaged and damaging bad romantic options? It's like a magnet for you. Resolve your internal issues that you drive you toward these kinds and you'll resolve your romantic problems and end up dating someone nice and actually worth your time.

Yeah, just no. Okay, maybe you need a bit of sobering up. Here are some of the really awful things that can happen should you start an affair with a taken coworker. I say "some" because I'm sure I haven't listed every flipped up thing that can go wrong, but here are the basic ones.

You can lose your job, end up in front of HR or a lawsuit for sexual harassment if she turns vindictive, you will definitely both be looked down on by coworkers who will yes catch on and gossip about both of you, possibly have her partner come after you - maybe even at work like I witnessed when a senior management at a company I worked for was fooling around with a secretary and the wife showed up one day in full-on meltdown mode. Two people were fired that day, I as a manager was scared there was going to be a workplace shooting, and seriously what the hell people, keep it in your pants when you are at work!!!! Nobody wants to deal with that ship.

This is not even covering the whole get ready for her to move on to someone else if you do get together with her, because people who don't end one relationship and stay single long enough to get their head out of the last relationship and into life again, are really poor bets for being decent partners.

In other words it's such a bad idea that you may as well go walk in the rain with a metal umbrella during a major lightning storm. I do believe that's safer and it's just a bit of electricity, one zap and either you die or you don't, but taking up with a coworker. (Shudders) I did it twice and they were single and I still got blacklisted out of the firms I wanted to work at as well as losing my job.

What you do is tell her, "I am not interested in helping you cheat and we are now simply work colleagues, goodbye." And you don't hang around her, you don't even so much as go get coffee with her in the break room. You do keep a log and if she starts harassing you, you take it to HR to get her ordered to leave you alone.

Because otherwise, yeah those turn ugly really, really, REALLY fast. From someone with personal experience on what happens when you get involved with coworkers. Don't do it. Period.

Take a look around this forum at breakups between two people who work together, cheaters or not, you'll see your future there should you not shut this crap down now.

.....It takes two to flirt......so if you stop responding and stick to being strictly professional, she will have no choice but to be the same.....

 

Anyway, what is it with you always being so drawn to such damaged and damaging bad romantic options? It's like a magnet for you. Resolve your internal issues that you drive you toward these kinds and you'll resolve your romantic problems and end up dating someone nice and actually worth your time.

I'm wondering the same thing. I thought I was doing great in the past year adressing my issues (mostly narcissistic parent dynamics) and was making such progress. It is kind of dissapointing to see myself make the same choices (or similar ones) all over again. Although this feels a little different to me. But I do wonder what it is that makes me attracted to unavailable people..

I'm wondering the same thing. I thought I was doing great in the past year adressing my issues (mostly narcissistic parent dynamics) and was making such progress. It is kind of dissapointing to see myself make the same choices (or similar ones) all over again. Although this feels a little different to me. But I do wonder what it is that makes me attracted to unavailable people..

It IS different in that you are recognizing that this is a bad idea and you are resisting getting involved. So that is progress for sure and kudos to you.

Learning and fixing your personal challenges is not a straight road, there will be detours sometimes and you know that falling back into old familiar patterns is so so so easy because they are familiar and therefore automatically feel comfortable, even though they are damaging. Getting tempted will happen, your ability to recognize it so early on and resist it is what fixing is all about. When you do it often enough, you succeed and just get better and better and faster and faster at weeding out bad choices. I mean bad choices will always be there, it's just how quickly you can identify them and send them packing.

I'm wondering the same thing. I thought I was doing great in the past year adressing my issues (mostly narcissistic parent dynamics) and was making such progress. It is kind of dissapointing to see myself make the same choices (or similar ones) all over again. Although this feels a little different to me. But I do wonder what it is that makes me attracted to unavailable people..

Maybe you find yourself attracted to unavailable people because it "feels safe" to you. Since they're already in a relationship, you know you don't have to put much effort into the flirtation other than just mere flirting back and forth. Some people like to see how far the committed person will take the flirtation...to some people, it boosts their ego and makes them feel desirable. You know that this is the WRONG thing to do, but yet, you keep on doing it. The fact that you work with this person makes this situation even more perilous!

Do the right thing - and STOP this flirtation/attraction with this person. Let her know that if she ever ENDS her relationship with her GF, THEN (and ONLY then) will you entertain the notion of kickstarting ya'lls flirtation again. UNTIL then, let her know that ANY interaction between the two of you is to be STRICTLY **PROFESSIONAL**.

Good luck OP and let us know how it goes.

The thing that would squelch it for me would be how hard I've worked to get where I am in my profession, and not wanting my colleagues to perceive me as owning poor judgment by flirting on the job.

That would take any wind out of that sail pretty quickly. My job is my job. A disloyal flake is unprofessional--and disloyal.

Did I mention disloyal?

I just can't get attracted to that, so I'd have no trouble curbing impulse.

Think.