What should I do?

My dad, stepmom and I have had a turbulent relationship for years. I'd get upset that they never called or made time for me or my sister/nephew. I mean it, they never call and it's hurtful. but they were always hanging out and/or texting with her nieces who are my age, or, my dad's nephews, also my age. They'd accuse me of being jealous. Finally, I ran into my cousin some time ago and he went on to tell me about some vacation he took with them and all the fun they had. He was on Vaca with my cousin, but can't find the time to text his daughter back. Ok. I cut him off after that because I was sick of being hurt.

But 18 month later, we made ammends via text. I'm not so sure how my stepmom feels about making ammends. I reached out to her 3 weeks ago, she asked where I was at but didn't say she loved me like I told her. And after I told her where I was, she didn't respond.

But last week my dad reached out and I told him I'm leaving the state for a new assignment for 3+ months. He said he wanted to get together before I leave. I told him what dates I'll be able to get together and to let me know. No response. Tomorrow night is the last night before I leave. Tomorrow night is one of the dates I gave him. I still haven't heard from him. I'd like to confirm that we're getting together. But my mom told me to drop it, it's in his court.

It best not to get caught in the crossfire of your parents divorce or their new relationships. Text your dad to confirm and communicate more directly with him rather than your stepmother.

Your mom is right. You did what you could, and he chose not to make time for you.

Don't let his choices impact your happiness. Just do your thing and let him do his. If your paths cross, great. If they don't, okay. You can still create a good life for yourself, and he'll never know the relationship he could have had with you if he'd decided to show up for it. His loss.

I should clarify: my stepmom has been my stepmom for most of my life. They got married when I was 2.

I'd like to text my dad to solidify plans, but I'm probably going to get ignored (typical) or he's going to tell me he has other plans (typical). I don't want to get hurt again (typical).

Sorry to hear this but it will leave no dangling 'what ifs' if you try to confirm. Don't wait until the last minute. Or just call. At least you'll go on your trip with no unanswered questions.

I'd like to text my dad to solidify plans, but I'm probably going to get ignored (typical) or he's going to tell me he has other plans (typical). I don't want to get hurt again (typical).

Well I called him Thursday evening but it didn't ring, it went straight to VM. I didn't leave a VM. Haven't heard from him and he knew I was leaving on Friday morning st 5 am. Nice guy. I've had a million people call or text to make sure I made it, but nothing from my dad. I literally drove across the country in pouring rain by myself and he can't call or text to make sure I'm safe? I'm not sure what to say to him the next time he decides to text.

My sister and i barely spoke for two years because every time i would talk to her, she yelled or complained about how i *never* called her, how i wasn't there when she needed me and this and that. I would say "well, I am calling and talking to her *NOW*" and it didn't matter. I always had to mentally prepare to talk to her. And apparently the phone never went two ways. She would also when she lived with my mom and dad if i didn't call SPECIFICALLY for her, and chatted with mom or dad and then asked them to hand the phone to her (i lived out of state at that time, btw).

We had no real problems - the problem was only this - centered around calling or who didn't call, etc, and it broke us apart. It seems you really don't have a problem with your dad but are making the fact that he is not reliable with checking in a huuuuge problem.

If you are keeping a tick sheet about how they NEVER call, I am sure you are the same type where they have to really be prepared to talk to you - its not like you can handle a casual quick call because you are already "testing" your step mom. She inquired as to your whearabouts and you are hung up on her not saying she loved you.

The nieces and nephews probably talk to them because the nieces and nephews pick up the phone and are genuinely interested in how their aunt and uncle are doing or are sending them interesting tidbits they think they will be interested in.

People get busy and you will be back in three months. You are not gone forever. My brother and i have said we'll get together when he's free and it hasn't happened yet. if you have JUST made some amends with your dad - and he has started texting you again, I would not push anything further at the moment. Just see where it goes. Also, its not fair to not leave him a message and then complain about him - what if he called and didn't leave a message just like you?

Why not give everyone a break and start to text your dad a little more "hey, i got settled in ___new place__. There is this cafe that reminds me of X we went to when we were little" or send him a funny picture or a pretty view of your new area.

Not every communication needs to be a revelation. And if his phone died and you didn't leave a VM, he has no idea that you called!! So that is totally not fair.

if his relationship is turbulent and he is never the kind of dad to check in on you, then cut him some slack. Just keep the line of communication with your dad wide open and be reasonable - calling when the phone is off and reading into what it means is just playing games. Don't play games.

And if you want to make plans with your dad, don't leave them wide open. Find out what he has going and give him options "i can meet your for lunch on x day or x day, what works best for you?"

you wrote on the other thread

Yes, but this crap happens a lot with him. Yet, he has no problems getting in touch with my cousins. I wouldn't "whine" right now had he at least gotten back to me to say those dates won't work for him and to wish me well on my assignment or to at least call/text to make sure I made it safely. But to blow me off completely? Rude. This is my father, not a long lost friend.

My sister didn't always whine - but it always felt like i was walking into a conversation that would be laborous, that anything she said was loaded, or she would interpret every word of mine as loaded. If i sounded too happy, if i didn't take every word she said as being heavy weight or important, etc. My sister is not a long lost friend either.

So you tell your father you are leaving in a couple days and you both express that you would like to get together yet no plan was suggested - people get caught up in their days. And it could cause some friction if you are trying to meet with dad only and not both of them. It could be hard if they already have friends for him to break away and see you when he feels stepmom and him are a package deal. At any rate, if you DO NOT leave a message on his voicemail or you did not express specific plans beyond vaguely getting togeter; Ie,,,instead of "let's get together say "how about if i drop by monday after work, or would tuesday be better?"

You can be caught up in if he initiates calls or not or you can take the initiative and see your dad and not let it matter who calls who. He will eventually reach out more if you are not so hung up about it

Ok Abit, I can see where you are coming from. And I hope I'm not acting like your sister.

One thing I'd like to add is I have attempted to make small talk with him many many many times. You suggested that my nieces/nephews probably are easier to talk with because they may show more interest in my dad. Well, I've shown interest and have extended the olive branch many times. His response to something I say IF he responds at all is usually just "ok". That feels like yet another slap to the face. I e had enough slaps.

Also part of the reason I didn't leave a VM was because my stepmom once told me that when my sister leaves VM my dad puts the phone down and let's it play without listening.

The step mom sounds rather divisive, no?

Also part of the reason I didn't leave a VM was because my stepmom once told me that when my sister leaves VM my dad puts the phone down and let's it play without listening.

Ok Abit, I can see where you are coming from. And I hope I'm not acting like your sister.

 

One thing I'd like to add is I have attempted to make small talk with him many many many times. You suggested that my nieces/nephews probably are easier to talk with because they may show more interest in my dad. Well, I've shown interest and have extended the olive branch many times. His response to something I say IF he responds at all is usually just "ok". That feels like yet another slap to the face. I e had enough slaps.

 

Also part of the reason I didn't leave a VM was because my stepmom once told me that when my sister leaves VM my dad puts the phone down and let's it play without listening.

But what are you doing to extend the olive branch. if you are saying something "weighty" such a confessing guilt, expressing how you wish things were better, etc, people don't always know what to say to that. the "i forgive you dad" over the phone and he didn't know there was anything to forgive, that might just warrant an "ok". if dad has a hobby or a favorite team - a "hey, we won!" text, etc, if you know he is probably watching the game or something light. The problem is that you are communicating hoping for a major breakthrough "i TRIED smalltalk" Then keep doing it. Its not a "i had one convo and things should change".

Also, you should not be thinking talking to your dad as "just smalltalk" Communicate with meaning - like i say - choose to communicate on things that you know matter or that he is interested in.

Just keep reaching out. One day he'll reach back. But you have to stop thinking that "okay i reached out. nothing happened. I am done".

It took years for my sister and i to break that whole cycle. We are still not the best of friends, but there isn't that "charge" there where there is constant analyzing each communication and such combativeness. She gets happy birthday texts, a card/gift, and there are things that i automatically share with her whether she writes back or not. She will contact me when she has something relevant to say but does not just call to catch up ever

Thank you all for replying! Here is the update. I texted him and asked if his suggestion of us getting together last week was an early Aprils fools joke, I added a smiley face emoji to break up any tension that could come from that text. He replied,

"no joke, time slipped away. Are you still in town?" I haven't responded. I'm not exactly a delicate little flower, but his reply text also hurt. Time slipped away? I mean, our prospective "get together" had me giddily with happiness that entire week leading up to when it was supposed to happen. I haven't seen him in eons. Does time slip away from him when he makes plans with the cousins? No. And then to ask if I'm still in town? I made it damn clear to him when I would be leaving - the date and the exact hour. Geesh.

Thank you all for replying! Here is the update. I texted him and asked if his suggestion of us getting together last week was an early Aprils fools joke, I added a smiley face emoji to break up any tension that could come from that text. He replied,

"no joke, time slipped away. Are you still in town?" I haven't responded. I'm not exactly a delicate little flower, but his reply text also hurt. Time slipped away? I mean, our prospective "get together" had me giddily with happiness that entire week leading up to when it was supposed to happen. I haven't seen him in eons. Does time slip away from him when he makes plans with the cousins? No. And then to ask if I'm still in town? I made it damn clear to him when I would be leaving - the date and the exact hour. Geesh.

Just say "i'll be back in town on X day --- what where would you like to meet? I'll give you a call the week before i get back". LET IT GO.

Time DOES slip away! You get involved in projects, people pop by unexpectedly and you get distracted and think you have time and then the next thing you know....its too late. He may have genuinely lost track.

If you had called him again to catch him before you left, you might have gotten ahold of him. The problem with your plan is that there was no real plan and you set up a trap that he was doomed to fail - his phone was turned off so he's a deadbeat. Just be proactive. Outline the actual plan next time - a real plan, and follow up. Not just "hey we should get together" Tell him "let's meet at that favorite restaurant. How about x day. Then call a few days before to confirm and tell him 'i am calling to confirm on x. if something comes up, let's pick another time right away"

Remember, not every person thinks the same way as you do. I had to realize my sister definitely doesn't. She is upset when i have 5 minutes late to things. She thinks i don't care. She doesn't know all of the things that i have to deal with before i get somewhere - the people and clients that drop in, etc, and arriving five minutes late was me really hustling to get there. My family has parties and its "we are having cake at 3:00 so come whenever before that. But don't be here before 1."My sis takes that to mean i must get there at 1 on the button and she gets bent, where really - i could have showed at 1:57 or 2:19 and have been okay. No one else really understands her thinking

As long as you get to spend time with dad, who cares who sets it up. ==========

You have to let go of wanting dad to be a certain way or fit in a certain mold. He is who he is.