Why do (some) women prefer men they have to compete for?

Hey guys so I recently got out of a toxic relationship and am feeling empowered as I have no urge to go back. One of the main issues in my relationship was infidelity. The woman that caused the issue in my relationship had a man who was faithful to her and for the most part treated her like gold, however she preferred to chase after my ex who is a womanizer. She is obviously not the only woman he dealt with there were many others which she discovered about and somehow that made her want him more. To some extent all the women he was dealing with knew he was dealing with others which I guess in a way made him more appealing to them. I guess my ex was extremely confused by me because he had never been dismissed so quickly by a woman for "shopping around". He even admitted to me that he had expected me to put up a fight but stay and share him because that's what has happened to him in the past. Most of the women he dealt with and deals with have no problem sharing him. He is pretty handsome and is good in bed. He thinks that men typically have a main (who was me), and several sides and that's just how it is. But I'm not really asking about him because he clearly has his own (misogynistic) views. My question is about the women, what would compel a woman to stick around and even chase a guy knowing he is a manwh*re? I feel some of these women think they can change him, and the woman who caused our break up even admitted this to me. But why not try to be with a real man who is capable of being faithful to one woman? A lot of people, this woman included told me I should have been more patient which I don't agree with. I feel sticking around would reinforce that what he is doing is okay. I don't think a guy like this would think "she's staying because she loves me " he'd probably think "she's staying because she doesn't love herself" which didn't sit well with me which was why I ultimately left. I don't have the highest self esteem but it's not so bad that I'd allow a man to blatantly disrespect me like that. Anyway do you think it's a comment on society and why a lot of guys don't really want to commit anymore because there's women like these who will always reinforce that they don't need to? I'm young by the way and a lot of guys my age are like this which is why I'm asking. Any thoughts?

Wow. Gotta love these people who think they are God's gift to men/women, right? Who knows why? The bad boy thing? The unattainable thing? The forbidden fruit thing? The competitive thing?

Yes of course he's telling each one how special they are, they're soul mates, the gf/wife doesn't understand him and other miscellaneous rubbish. Like the adrenaline of waiting at the craps table for the big win that rarely comes.

Casanovas have been around a long long time....and the women who fall for them

He thinks that men typically have a main (who was me), and several sides and that's just how it is. what would compel a woman to stick around and even chase a guy knowing he is a manwh*re?

Could be a ton of reasons.

Sheer laziness -- gets propositioned by a guy who's got it going on one way or another, since he fell on her lap so to speak, she runs with it

Ego -- assumes she'll win and he won't repeat his infidelity with her in the picture

Materialism -- dude brings swanky trips and gifts to the table

Or a combination of all three, including others. Not really worth trying to make a science of it. People make questionable decisions and that's kinda just life.

Some women are just wired that way.

I had this happen to me 12 years ago with the guy I was dating at the time, so this stuff was happening back then too, and that's just my experience, as I'm sure nasty women like that have always existed, it's nothing new.

I don't really have an explanation for it, I guess those women lack self esteem, self respect, are insecure and at the same time selfish and lack basic morals, so to them 'conquering' the unavailable guy feels like an accomplishment aka they are better than the main woman in his life. Their brains are unable to reason and comprehend that it's not even remotely an accomplishment, and that they shouldn't be proud of it. They base their value on their ability to get someone else's man, which means they are pretty worthless as human beings. Others simply see it as a game, they think it's fun.

To me, they are simply a lower category of people whom I try to steer clear of. And if the guys I'm with like this type and enjoy their attention, good riddance, they are free to go and play in the pig sty, I don't need or want them in my life.

Good for you for not sticking around, many women would have indeed!

It's an issue of like attracts like. What I mean is that if you lived in a town of 10,000 people and 20 women were like that, those would be the women he is going to be involved with. So that will be his experience and his "reality". Of course, once in a while, it may happen he gets involved with someone different and so the rude awakening of getting dumped like the garbage that he actually is.

Just realize that no, most men aren't like him and whatever drivel he told you is utter nonsense. I can't believe other people in your life are actually telling you that you should be patient with that kind of behavior. Mind boggling to me, but there are all kinds out there. Good that you dumped him, now maybe try finding friends that are more like minded and have values that are more aligned with your own, aka friends who will high five you for dumping a cheater instead of telling you to be patient with one.

This woman didn't wreck your relationship. Your ex did. Don't spend your time wondering about her issues. Look at your own. Why were you attracted to him? How can you avoid guys like him in the future. I know tons of men who don't think that a dude has a main partner and a couple of sides. Why did you end up with someone like that? Why did you put up with it for so long? At the end of the day why are you focused on some other woman he is screwing over and not looking at yourself?

These other women in this case may have contributed to his cheating, but he had the power to choose not to, out of respect for you and your relationship.

In short, he's not only the culprit, he took the leading role. It's time to learn the lesson, and "up" your value.

Not every relationship from the outside that looks like someone is "treated like gold" is actually a good relationship. On the outside, one of my relationships appeared that i was treated like gold - he bought be flowers often, etc, actually wasn't good. Also, there can be relationships where someone treats someone well, but either treats them like they are up on a pedestal and over does it, or the two people are not a match no matter how nice and sweet the person treating the other like gold is.

It could be that someone jumps relationships because they have been checked out for quite some time as it is and were looking for the excuse to leave. Or they are just a cheater. I can't say.

I guess i stayed for so long because I thought maybe I wasn't enough for him and that was what was causing him to talk to these women. I thought I was perhaps doing something wrong. I mean in the beginning I will admit I wasn't really into him I was crazy about another guy who was a mutual friend of ours and he knew this. This guy didn't really want to date me so in a sense I settled for him because he offered me the relationship the other guy didn't. In time I fell for him hard he was very nice in the beginning But I always felt he resented me for being my second choice, and that's why he was flirting with other women. he even admitted to me that he never thought I really actually liked him and was just with him because I couldn't get someone better so I felt maybe I could fix things and show him that I really did care about him and he didn't need to flirt with these women but I guess the damage was done from the beginning. That's why I stayed so long.

First, anyone who feels they have to chase after someone who is in a relationship has something wrong with them. I'm sorry, but if you need an ego boost of that sort there are other bad things going on like low self-esteem or just not having a life and so thinking all that matters is that you can upset others. And those who will play that game and cheat with someone like that equally have a screw loose.

BUT your ex, there's the real culprit. Because he didn't have to allow it, and instead he chose to cheat. And that's really what it boils down to. I'm sure you've been hit on by men who would be happy to have you cheat, but you didn't cheat now did you? You said no, and frankly everyone in a committed monogamous relationship should be able to say no to temptation loudly, clearly and with absolute finality. If they don't then they, not the "temptation" are the true issue. So your ex does share the far larger blame, because he had the ability to say no instead of yes, but chose not to do so. Sorry, he would have cheated on you regardless of who did or didn't chase him. He likely would have and probably has found someone to simply lie about being single and hide your existence if no woman was seeking him out. Barring that there's always Craigslist or hiring someone for sex, which gets done a lot too.

My point is when someone wants to cheat they will find a way to do so whether women or men are throwing themselves at your partner's feet or running away from them screaming and puking. It doesn't matter what the other person did, the problem is the cheater who is in a relationship. Every.single.time.

In your case you did the right thing by dumping the guy and of course the woman who was helping him cheat is going to stick up for him. They both apparently like hurting other people and you refused to let them play their game. There are people will pass on bad advice deliberately just so they get a twisted pleasure out of seeing someone hurt, so put it down to that.

No, you shouldn't have stayed, you should have left sooner in fact. But that's neither here nor there and it was a learning experience for you, so next time you know to bail sooner, so don't beat yourself up for not leaving sooner. Also someone doesn't "make" a cheater or someone who behaves inappropriately while in a relationship do that, it's called free will, they make that choice regardless of anything you did or didn't do. You can be Halle Berry or Sandra Bullock and still get cheated on like they did. But serial cheaters are great at making their partners feel like it's their fault, because hey that way the cheater doesn't have to face any responsibility or admit they're wrong. If they did, they might have to change the behaviors they don't want to change and had no intention of changing to begin with.

So walk away, block and delete him, take this as a "this is what I don't want in the future" and do better. It's time to upgrade your life to better people. I think it's really hilarious she went after your ex, but actually thought she had a right to chide you for breaking up with him. What an idiot. So trashy.

P.S. There have always been cheaters, always. It's more a comment that you need to step back and take a serious look at the type of men you are dating and find attractive. Plus I think we all end up with these types of people, just you have to develop a good BS meter and know what red flags to look for and give a pass early in the game when you first see those. And that often takes just dating and learning how to do that. Or at least that was the case for me.

Thanks @ParisPaulette your answers always put things in perspective and have actually helped a lot in giving me the courage to attempt to move forward. Although I will admit some days are harder than others ultimately I will pull through. It's a shame because I don't think someone like that will ever be truly and genuinely happy. But I guess that's no longer my burden to bear. Thanks for all the other answers. I will definitely be taking some time off to get over this.