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What I decide today, will change our whole lives... and he just keeps fighting.


RooBoo

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I need serious help. I need to cram 8 years of a relationship into as short a space as possible and have it make sense... ugh.. I need so much advice. PLEASE.

 

So, we can't speak anymore. Everything turns into "You did this!" "You did that!" and it seems that no matter how I try to approach it, it always ends up with me crying, not understanding and him fuming with rage (or what comes across as rage).

 

Personally, I am at breaking point. He has spent 8 years cheating. That goes from texting, facebooking, webcamming, snapchatting, putting himself all over websites to find dates to all out meeting and sleeping with people. I have spent many years with him, and yes, i will admit I am a doormat. I feel so low in myself, and have for a long time.

About three years ago he then started telling me that it was because I was so boring and monotonos in bed and that was why he cheated. He continued to blame me. He refused to speak to me about it. He refused to tell me what I was doing wrong, or right or even tell me what his likes or dislikes were. I am not joking when I say he LITERALLY came in one day and said "Btw, you're crap in bed" and that was that.

From there, my esteem.... what was left plummeted. I lost about 80lbs from stress... I lost all my hair in the front due to stress (I have to wear a headscarf every day). Everytime we had sex it got worse. He won't look at me. He gives me nothing in terms of if he likes it, if he doesnt... and the more it went on the harder and harder it got. Anytime it was brought up, or he cheated he would just call me stiff. He is right... I am stiff... BECAUSE I AM TERRIFIED!!!! I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED OR CHANGED... and he won't tell me...

 

Throw into all this the fact that he has two kids with two other women. We have had court cases for three years over the second child. Social services dragged in.... the mother of the child brought so much trouble to my home. Police.. her new boyfriend threatning to burn down my house.... SO much. During the two years of courts, I couldn't get my partner out of bed. He spent every day in bed. He lay up there messaging women, feeling sorry for himself and shouting at me anytime I tried anything to get him to move.

 

Look, I dunno... see... last week that mother of the child decided (OUT OF NOWHERE) that he could now see the child whenever he wants. He has jumped all over it. I totally understand that he is overjoyed at this, but I went into protect mode. What happens if she does it again? I begged him to not break the court order and told him that if she was that willing, then she would have no problem putting it in writing. He said that I just didn't want him with her and I was like "Of course I don't! But, Im thinking of the child". That child went two years without seeing him.... and he is willing to risk it?

Anyway, after years of supporting him through the cases and paying for half of it, NOW I am being told that this is none of my business! He is going over to his ex's house and hanging out, going out on walks.... the whole shabang.

 

I CANNOT HANDLE IT. I AM DONE.

 

I have spent the past WEEK telling him I cannot do this anymore. I need to get some self respect and move on. I need space.

 

He keeps telling me that it is MY fault because all I do is shout and Im useless in bed, and then in the same breath he will tell me he loves me and its not that Im usless , its just that I am not spontaneous and... the story changes and changes.

 

Last night I woke up and he was touching me, teasing me. I tried SO hard to deny him but I love him, and he knows how to touch me. Half way through... I realised my mistake. He just.... is not interested. I found myself in a panic again and the whole thing was not great.

 

So... I need to sit with him. I need to keep myself in check. Here is my problem. This man FLIPS on me. Any time I tell him I want him to leave he says "A couple of months". I say no. NOW. Go to your mothers. Go somewhere... just give us space. He says NO. He is not. He tells me that he is staying here until he can afford his own place and if I don't like it, I can leave.

It then turns into a stupid merry go round argument.

 

I JUST WANT HIM TO LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Im so tired... Ive given so much... I have nothing left... Why won't he just leave? If he doesn't like my company, doesn't like the way I touch him, kiss him, whatever... then WHY is he here? Just to drive me crazy????

 

Any advice is welcome.

 

Thank you.

 

UPDATE:

Some other things I should add:

1. He has brought me out once in the past six years, meanwhile I pay for his concert, festivals and whatever else he wants to do.

2. I am NEVER invited anywhere he goes... unless he wants a lift.

3. I pay 75% of the rent a month because it ALWAYS turns into a fight.

4. I pay 75% food, electric, gas and internet.

5. EVERY SINGLE thing in this house from the spoons to the brand new king bed upstairs is MINE. In 7 years, he has contributed NOTHING to this home. NOTHING.

6. He has on a few occasions had me at home minding the kids and he would sneak out and pretend to be in work. Then when he came home, he would shout at me and make me feel like I was keeping him in a prison or something instead of saying 'im sorry'

7. In 8 years, he has NEVER accompanied me to any occasion family or otherwise, meanwhile I am chastised for not going to his. He just KNOWS how to manipulate me.

8. This house is in both of our names.

 

 

I guess when I think about it, I am so frustrated at this point because he won't listen. He is so wrapped up in this mindset of "SHE'S AGAINST ME. SHE DID THIS. SHE IS BORING. SHE IS ANGRY. SHE IS... SHE IS..."

 

And I am on the other side saying yes... yes I am angry. Please let me tell you why. Then I start to go through the details and he will just cut me off and start shouting "YEAH, YEAH... POOR YOU. WE ALL KNOW... POOR YOU. BOO HOO!"

 

And Im left sitting there... Im not looking for sympathy! I am not looking to blame him entirely. I SHOULD have walked away YEARS ago... and I didn't. Instead, I panicked and sat in a scary confusion... and tried to find my way in the dark with him. Then he would cheat again and blame me again and shout at me... and I inverted more.... and the anger from years and years of this has built. THAT is my fault. I should have walked away.

 

How do I talk to him? PLEASE!!!

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All you can do is examine your reasons for staying? It sounds like you are resentful and way too over-involved, over-attached and over-invested. It also sounds like a mommy-child relationship. Reflect on your need to mommy him. is he working? Does he use drugs or alcohol?

 

In the meantime consult a doctor regarding your physical issues as well as getting a referral to therapy for support and advice. Also consult an attorney about co-owning the house and what leaving would entail. Draw up a black and white cohabitation agreement if you think the financial responsibilities are unfair.

 

You are right, you can't change him and you are talking to a wall, however there are plenty of proactive things you can do such as the above.

 

You may find this book interesting: The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up

he has two kids with two other women. We have had court cases for three years over the second child.

I pay 75% of the rent a month because it ALWAYS turns into a fight.

I pay 75% food, electric, gas and internet.

"Psychologist Dan Kiley, who defined ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’ in 1983, also used the term ‘Wendy Syndrome’ to describe women who act like mothers with their partners or people close to them. Wendy is the woman behind Peter Pan. She is that someone who deals with the things Peter Pan doesn’t do, in order for him to “survive”.

 

She is the one making every decision, taking on all of “Peter Pan’s” responsibilities, and so, she justifies his unreliability. She is the overprotecting mother prototype. Both “Peter Pan” and “Wendy” do not acknowledge that they are having a problem, they aren’t aware of it. The only solution for it is psychological treatment, not only centered on the person, but also on the partner and the family.

 

The Wendy Syndrome is about women who are very dependent upon their mates in a special way. They mother their mates, treating them like immature children. These women usually state, “I feel like I have three children, instead of two, because I have my husband, too.” The Wendy woman attempts to control situations with her man through inappropriate mothering. She is a very insecure woman who cannot handle anger, either her own or her partner’s. By taking on a maternal role toward her mate, she feels protected from the possible rejection and abandonment that, in her opinion, inevitably results from exchanges of anger.

 

According to Dr. Kiley, certain conditions have to exist before a woman is transformed into a Wendy. “She must suffer to some degree from a fear of rejection, perpetuate a negative self image through an inner voice of inferiority, and become so dedicated to her social image that she fails to examine her true personal life”.

 

Symptoms of the Wendy Syndrome:

 

- lacking in self-identity;

 

- missing opinions of their own and being not in touch with their own likes or dislikes;

 

- basing their security on the approval of others;

 

- presenting an acceptable social image is of high importance;

 

Eight typical behaviors of women caught in the so called “Wendy trap”:

 

1. The woman denies that problems exist.

 

2. She tends to start believing that her mate cannot survive without her. The truth is Peter Pan is unwilling, not unable to shoulder the responsibility which is causing problems.

 

3. Possessiveness – This occurs when “Wendy” starts feeling dependent upon her mate, feeling that she cannot survive emotionally or perhaps financially without him.

 

4. Complaining – Complaining can be a healthy form of assertiveness, as long as it’s handled appropriately.

 

5. Guilt inducing – Guilt is a poor motivator. Under such conditions, the subject resents being coerced into a certain behavior. He may do what she wants, but he’ll be mad at her for ‘making’ him do it.

 

6. She shoulders an enormous degree of responsibility for her husbands and her children, in attempts to minimize her high anxiety level. In the meanwhile, the man’s fear of rejection and habitual guilt feelings have usually led him into a passive “yes, dear” stance where he will superficially agree with his spouse to avoid arguments, but then continues his own behavior without changing, frustrating her more and more. The man engages in a great deal of passive-aggressive behavior, indirectly expressing his pent-up hostility toward his mate.

 

7. The Wendy woman will begin to vacillate between being a martyr and punishing her man (spending money on things she really doesn’t want and that the family really can’t afford, becoming hypochondriacal, and expecting him to take her to many doctor’s appointments, withholding of sex). There is a high risk for her getting involved in an outside affair where she feels she can obtain the warmth that is missing in her own relationship.

 

8. The Wendy woman will “hit bottom”. When this occurs, she feels that she has exhausted all of her coping strategies. That is when the Wendy woman usually turns to professional counselors for help."

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Thank you wiseman, this response was SO insightful. Seriously, thank you!

I match nearly every one of these, and you are so right. I am over invested. I have done a lot of reading and researching and I also think I have a co-dependency issue also.

I have already set up to see a therapist starting next week, I am really hoping it will help me change.

 

I wasn't always like this... and interestingly enough I didn't realize my behavior until recently, but I have been bitter, angry, impatient and pissed off for years. Yes, I am terrified to be alone, but I think I need to be for a while. I don't want to be in this position in 10 years.

 

As for the house, he won't leave. Yet. I asked him to go for a couple weeks. He said yes, then said no. This started an argument. He said yes and no a few times more... and then BOOM! Big fight and he now says that he is taking his paycheck on Friday and he is moving out. Thing is...that will change by Friday. Ill be very surprised if it doesn't.

 

I can't leave this house. It's a lllooonnnggg story, but the end of it is that I cannot leave this property or I will loose it completely and I have a family to think about. He has agreed that he will leave. He is just stalling and it's driving me crazy.

 

Im in a fragile state mentally and having him in the house avoiding me is worse than having him gone. He says he needs a couple months... if he doesn't follow through with the Friday threat. Am I unreasonable at this point to give him that? I feel such a toxic connection to him that it is causing more harm than good.

If I can't get him to go, how do I live with him without falling back into the same thing? How do I break it?

 

He is still sleeping in the bed beside me because I can't deal with the fight that it will cause if I ask him to get out of it... and in the same breath, what if he did go sleep on the couch? I'd feel like such a you know what! The guilt would be horrible.

 

I dunno... I need therapy. I really do need to figure out what is happening here.

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Hey RooBoo I am really sorry to read this and what you've been through. Wiseman's reply is excellent, and think some introspection will help you understand what's happened for things to get to this point.

 

What I think is really positive though is that you've already started to change for the better. You are starting to stick up for yourself and recognise the hugely one-sided nature of your relationship. I found it hard reading when you mentioned him cheating on you, and you must know there is absolutely zero justification for this. You should not have to tolerate this, and having tolerated must have eroded your self respect. You can reverse this, especially once you have got out of this terribly unhealthy relationship with a man who has no sense of responsibility or morality.

 

Do you have a social network? Friends and family? You need those who love you to rally around you and help you in your journey to change your life for the better. I wish you all the best in making these changes.

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