I'm I wrong to pressure for proposal?

Hello everyone!

I need help sorting out if I'm wrong for expecting and pressuring my boyfriend of 8 years for marriage. He has helped be raise my 9yr old son from a previous relationship as his own and just purchased our first home 3 months ago . He wants to start a family in the near future but I have expressed to him that I will not have another child out of wedlock and he has agreed. We have talked about marriage in the past often and I have expressed that it's a big deal for me and he always says "soon". Well almost 2 yr have flown by since we decided marriage was our next step and "soon" has yet to arrive. Lately it became more common then in the past years that many friends and family innocently make jokes about the fact that I need a ring or he needs to propose or that I'm never gonna get my ring. People will literally ask him in front of me, when he's going to pop the question! It's so uncomfortable and humiliating for me! and it seems like he doesn't care, he just brushes it off. I can't help but to feel stupid and highly embarrassed and frustrated about the wait that I nag him about it frequently because I feel like if I don't mention it, it's simply a concern of his but I feel like I'm giving up the fully enjoyable honest engagement I've longed for. Help!!! I need advise on how to handle this!

Why don't you propose?

8 years is a long long time.

No you are not wrong for pressuring for a proposal, you have been massively patient. You need to sit him down and give him a date to propose by, like say, before the end of July.

Let him know that it is very important to you and you're not waiting any longer.

It definitely sounds like he's committed, maybe he's just not great at organising?

Come on Billie, she's been a good girlfriend that would be further humiliating. I'm all for equality in the sex's but her man should be doing the right thing and proposing.

No you are not wrong for feeling this way, 8 years is a long time to wait. I'm really sorry to hear, you are going through this.

I was just giving someone else the advice to communicate it with him, but it seems you already have for many years. At the same time, if you keep nagging the more it's going to feel like a chore for him to do it. Then he's not going to do it. I have to admit you are in a tough spot.

He's at the point where he's too comfortable with you that he's probably thinking what's the point, or he could just keep dragging it on. It's just like a child, they test you to see what they could get away with. As long as he could get away with it, why not, right?

My advice is to think on "how important marriage is to you" VS "staying in the relationship with this man, the way things are?" If your answer is marriage, than you communicate that with him. Tell him, this is important to you, (I hate ultimatum) but in this case you might have to because it's been 8 years. If you can't marry me by (whatever time frame is good for you) I would have to move on and find someone whom is willing to marry me.

He knows what you want. You shouldn't have to pressure him. But you may need to accept that he doesn't actually want to get married.

Come on Billie, she's been a good girlfriend that would be further humiliating. I'm all for equality in the sex's but her man should be doing the right thing and proposing.

If you are all for equality then shouldn't that be across the board? Including marriage proposals?

I think you mean to say you are all for tradition. But then again traditionally there was no equality.

All too often women sit around waiting for a proposal and ultimately don't get one and the relationship ends.

The guy here has not committed to her at all in 8 years. Sure he has been pretty decent helping raise her son but if she was really wanting a proposal from him she should not have purchased a house with him until afterwards. Buying a house with a partner is not a committment, it's a shared financial investment only.

The op has essentially already proposed by stating that she wants to get married to him, his answer "soon" is nothing short of a maybe.

So, if she wants to get the ball rolling, she should directly ask rather than skirting around the issue.

He will say yes or no. Either way she has her answer.

 

The op has essentially already proposed by stating that she wants to get married to him, his answer "soon" is nothing short of a maybe.

So, if she wants to get the ball rolling, she should directly ask rather than skirting around the issue.

 

He will say yes or no. Either way she has her answer.

Exactly. "Proposal" is not just dropping the ring into champaigne glass and going on one knee. Proposal means asking the person whether they'd accept to be married to you. The rest is just a cultural ritual and fluff, and it is less important how it is done. So, for all intents and purposes she already proposed to him by bringing up the issue and asking if and when he'd like to marry her. But looks like so far he hasn't said yes.

It is absolutely important to respect a person's freedom, and everyone has the right to commit or not commit. However, 8 years is a long time - we are not talking about some 1-2 year relationship. And he was the one to talk about having more kids. So, after 8 years and all that history, he should be able to say either yes or no. I'd bring it up again - but very calmly, without drama and certainly not in any negative or accusing ways. Just say: hey, you know this is really important to me, and we've already been together for so long. I love you and am happy with you, and I'd like to get married and have a proper family. I need to know whether you do, too, and when, so that I know what to do for myself based on that choice.

And then, if he says no and is not ready, it may be time to decide if it's ok for you to keep going as is, or cut your losses and look for someone else. Hopefully, it won't come to that, though.

My sister was with a man for 8 years. Lived together for 7. He after 5 yrs of living together wanted to buy a house with her. She said no because she didn't see the point in making a big financial investment with someone who has not committed to her. End of conversation. A year later he brought up the topic again re buying over renting and he proposed.

I feel like the op lost that bargaining power by buying a house with this guy without any committment.

My sister absolutely did the right thing.

Living with someone is a convenience, buying a house together is an investment, marriage is a committment.

Btw my sister is happily married and both her kids going to school now.

Buying the house op was a mistake on your part. And you mistook it as committment.

Can't go back on that now. He probably will commit to you but the romantic proposal you desired for is gone.

I do agree with you Billie. Buying the house made no sense to me either. Why get a house together with no ring on your finger if that's what you were hoping for?

It would be difficult to toss everything though given that this man has been committed in other areas. But I do feel that he has been very lazy or not very forth coming on proposing (for whatever reason).

Would I say I'm a traditionalist on proposing? not really.

I see no problem asking a man to marry you. In this case in particular though, I think OP would be somewhat beating a dead horse as she has asked him already and he's not budged to do anything about it.

Thus, why I said it would be a bit humiliating.

Have you considered just accepting that he might not ever want to marry OP? I don't know what else to tell you. You could sit him down again and express how important this is to you and try to get a definite answer one way or the other.

I think there's a difference between pressuring to soon or thinking that it might fix other issues. I've seen that happen hasn't been good. 8 years though if the relationship is good. Then yes that's been a long time.

I do agree with you Billie. Buying the house made no sense to me either. Why get a house together with no ring on your finger if that's what you were hoping for?

It would be difficult to toss everything though given that this man has been committed in other areas. But I do feel that he has been very lazy or not very forth coming on proposing (for whatever reason).

Would I say I'm a traditionalist on proposing? not really.

 

I see no problem asking a man to marry you. In this case in particular though, I think OP would be somewhat beating a dead horse as she has asked him already and he's not budged to do anything about it.

Thus, why I said it would be a bit humiliating.

Have you considered just accepting that he might not ever want to marry OP? I don't know what else to tell you. You could sit him down again and express how important this is to you and try to get a definite answer one way or the other.

Thanks Sherree,

It would be good if the OP could comment further.

Talking to him again about this will essentially be proposing again.

The OP has to date accepted his maybe response. She needs to get a yes or no answer. And be prepared to accept a no.

She had reluctantly accepted a maybe but not happy with that.

This guy hasn't really committed to anything despite helping raise her son. He had to do that to be with her. But he can walk away at any given time and have no responsibility for the child.

If he was the father of the child people would respond differently I believe. This guy is being deemed a hero because he is not the father but if he was he would be blasted.

Funny that??

It may be good for the OP to decide inside herself exactly what she can accept and what she cannot. If the situation "as is" is not acceptable, then she has to prepare to walk away if she hears "no". As for maybe, again, she needs to decide how much longer a "maybe" is ok for - give yourself and him a time limit for how long he can think about it. After that time, either you get married or you sell the house and split up.

Otherwise you can keep on languishing and feeling in the limbo zone for far longer than you want.

OP, you need to sit him down for a honest talk.

Don't be accusatory. Simply tell him that you are concerned that so much time has passed since you initially agreed that you would like to marry. Ask him if he still sees you two getting married, and if he says yes, be direct and ask him why he hasn't proposed. Be prepared to really listen, even if you hear something you don't like. Don't let him fluff it off and dodge the topic.

Perhaps he has changed his mind about marriage. If that's the case, you have a right to know. Then you can decide if you are happy being unmarried but together.

OP, you need to sit him down for a honest talk.

 

Don't be accusatory. Simply tell him that you are concerned that so much time has passed since you initially agreed that you would like to marry. Ask him if he still sees you two getting married, and if he says yes, be direct and ask him why he hasn't proposed. Be prepared to really listen, even if you hear something you don't like. Don't let him fluff it off and dodge the topic.

 

Perhaps he has changed his mind about marriage. If that's the case, you have a right to know. Then you can decide if you are happy being unmarried but together.

I agree with this. Don't pressure. If you knew he was never going to marry you, how long would you stay? When you figure out that deadline be very pleasant and firm, and tell him that if you two are not married by that time then you are going to move on (no, not an ultimatum -do not put it that way). No need to get "engaged" or for a proposal. Go and get the marriage license, get married and if you want a party, plan one for later on.

If marriage is important to you, yes I would press it, and don't let him blow it off with "soon." Point out that the last time he said "soon", it was 2 years ago, and what, EXACTLY, does he consider "soon"?

8 years IS a long time. Already common-law marriage in many places. If marriage is important enough that it if it never happened it would be a dealbreaker, then I wouldn't waste anymore time with this relationship.

What is his incentive to marry? Are you financially stable and working? Do you co-own the house? Do you want a fancy expensive wedding or do you wish for the benefits of marriage regarding raising children in a family unit?

Has he ever been married/ divorced? Was ii painful expensive for him? "It's a big deal for you" is not a valid negotiation and you have no leverage because you've chosen to be together 8 yrs and living together without marriage.

If you can present a logical advantage and not weddings, diamonds, what friends and family think and 'your feelings'

then maybe that would be your best shot. This over emotional approach is easy to tune out because it's so one sided and subjective.

Also speak to an attorney on your own, confidentially about your cohabitation as it stands now.

boyfriend of 8 years. just purchased our first home 3 months ago. He wants to start a family in the near future. We have talked about marriage in the past often and I have expressed that it's a big deal for me and he always says "soon". I nag him about it frequently because I feel like if I don't mention it,I feel like I'm giving up the fully enjoyable honest engagement I've longed for.

Why should he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? Just saying, been there done that. Would you really want him to marry you when you're forcing him to do it I understand your position but if you have values you need to stick to them, I can almost guarantee as soon as you walk away from the relationship he'll probably propose men like a chase

My buddy has been dating this guy for 10 years. They break up after 6 years or so because he doesn't want to get married, and she moves on. He begs for her back. He proposes. 2 weeks before the wedding, he flees the country. Yeah. They got back together a year or so later, and have a kid. Wants more kids, but he refuses to marry her. Yup.

I know someone who after 17 years of dating gave up asking.

If marriage is what you want, don't sacrifice your needs.

If you are all for equality then shouldn't that be across the board? Including marriage proposals?

 

I think you mean to say you are all for tradition. But then again traditionally there was no equality.

 

All too often women sit around waiting for a proposal and ultimately don't get one and the relationship ends.

The guy here has not committed to her at all in 8 years. Sure he has been pretty decent helping raise her son but if she was really wanting a proposal from him she should not have purchased a house with him until afterwards. Buying a house with a partner is not a committment, it's a shared financial investment only.

 

The op has essentially already proposed by stating that she wants to get married to him, his answer "soon" is nothing short of a maybe.

So, if she wants to get the ball rolling, she should directly ask rather than skirting around the issue.

 

He will say yes or no. Either way she has her answer.

My mother proposed to my father and I proposed to my fiancé. Obviously we are not a family who believes in 'tradition'! But some are and if OP is then that is OK. I wouldn't advice pressuring him tho, maybe a nudge? Or accept he may not want to marry you.

8 years is a long long time.

No you are not wrong for pressuring for a proposal, you have been massively patient. You need to sit him down and give him a date to propose by, like say, before the end of July.

Let him know that it is very important to you and you're not waiting any longer.

It definitely sounds like he's committed, maybe he's just not great at organising?

Or maybe marriage is not his priority... if so they are not compatible on this specific issue. Doesn't mean he's wrong or right, it just is what it is. Not everyone feels that marriage adds to the relationship. But being that he totally knows that you want to marry and doesn't take a stand... seems like he's stalling or simply putting it as a non priority... and after such a long time (8 years is more than enough to decide to marry or not someone), it seems that he's just not that into the idea of getting married as you are. If so, it's important to see if this is a deal breaker or not. But I'd suggest sitting with him and having a serious talk about this matter where both express your desires and concerns before any decision is made.

I also don't feel that you should feel humiliated by what others say about both of you not getting married. It is not about you nor it is a rule written on stone that every long lasting couple should be expected to marry officially. This is about you and your man, and not about what other people think.

My sister was with a man for 8 years. Lived together for 7. He after 5 yrs of living together wanted to buy a house with her. She said no because she didn't see the point in making a big financial investment with someone who has not committed to her. End of conversation. A year later he brought up the topic again re buying over renting and he proposed.

 

I feel like the op lost that bargaining power by buying a house with this guy without any committment.

My sister absolutely did the right thing.

 

Living with someone is a convenience, buying a house together is an investment, marriage is a committment.

 

Btw my sister is happily married and both her kids going to school now.

 

Buying the house op was a mistake on your part. And you mistook it as committment.

Can't go back on that now. He probably will commit to you but the romantic proposal you desired for is gone.

I kind of agree on your point, but shouldn't he want to marry her because he really wants to rather than doing it so that he can achieve something like in the case of your sister buying the house? Why should one have to bargain on something like getting married.

Honestly, if marriage was so important to you, you would have not moved this guy in and not have bought a house with him. You would have done so after the engagement and into the marriage. You are saying one thing and doing another. Really, because of your conversation, he might not propose until he is 100% ready to have a kid. You say no kids out of wedlock - well, here's the thing - what example are you showing to your 9 year old by living with a guy and treating the guy like he's stepdad when he isn't? That also isn't telling your child that marriage is important.

You absolutely have every right to want to know what's up, but you have also caused this problem as well - you held half the shovel on this.

Maybe its time to ask your boyfriend about trying for a baby and if he says he is not ready, then don't expect a proposal.

My buddy has been dating this guy for 10 years. They break up after 6 years or so because he doesn't want to get married, and she moves on. He begs for her back. He proposes. 2 weeks before the wedding, he flees the country. Yeah. They got back together a year or so later, and have a kid. Wants more kids, but he refuses to marry her. Yup.

 

I know someone who after 17 years of dating gave up asking.

 

If marriage is what you want, don't sacrifice your needs.

God this is scary. How come she stays with a man that commited to marry her and then flees the country just to escape it is just beyond my understanding. And I'm not saying about the fact he didn't want to marry... but that he did something so coward just to avoid confrontation and to break a promess without facing the backlash of it.

My buddy has been dating this guy for 10 years. They break up after 6 years or so because he doesn't want to get married, and she moves on. He begs for her back. He proposes. 2 weeks before the wedding, he flees the country. Yeah. They got back together a year or so later, and have a kid. Wants more kids, but he refuses to marry her. Yup.

 

I know someone who after 17 years of dating gave up asking.

 

If marriage is what you want, don't sacrifice your needs.

Oh man. I would not have taken him back after he cancelled the wedding. If someone has been with me that long and is still not sure, he doesn't deserve me. I'd kick the bum out and coparent so she can find a prince.