Lost the Spark?

I'm in a relationship with a really great guy (for about a year and a half now), but I don't get super turned on by him. Are you supposed to be super sexually compatible with your partner? I'm happy in this relationship for several reasons - emotional compatibility, security, similar interests, enjoy spending time together - but I don't get butterflies when kissing my boyfriend and I seldom fantasize about him sexually. That being said, our sex is pretty good and pretty frequent, but I don't feel that spark/that transcendence.

I just feel so lost. I don't think I want to end my relationship because everything else is pretty amazing (we're a great fit for each other), but I feel like he may be more attracted to me than I am to him. I didn't start dating him for his looks or sex appeal in the first place, but as we progress further into this relationship I'm wondering if that is an essential factor. I don't want to make a stupid mistake and break up with an awesome guy just because he's not a super model and I'm not having mind-blowing sex either. Anyone have any personal experience with something like this?

It sounds like you are considering opening the relationship because you need variety of other men and different types of sex, no? Ask him about it.

25 year old gay male. I am not considering marriage or anything like that in this dilemma. I don't think I want to end my relationship because everything else is pretty amazing but I feel like he may be more attracted to me than I am to him. I don't want to make a stupid mistake and break up with an awesome guy just because he's not a super model and I'm not having mind-blowing sex either.

I could understand a spark fading over time, but for me, it needs to have been there initially, at least. I know myself and I know I cannot be with a man who I lack that chemistry with.

In longer-term relationships, that initial lusty chemistry can be a reference point when you need to spice things up. When that was never really there, it can be hard to maintain romantic interest. In my experience, anyway.

In nearly all relationships, the sex declines after a while. There are all sorts of online resources to help you spice things up a bit if this is a serious concern, but it would be really tragic if you were to break up with a wonderful guy in pursuit of some fantasy.

Unfortunately, we're fed so much rubbish by the media, romantic films and companies who want to sell us sexy/romantic merchandise that it's easy to feel we're being shortchanged when our relationships don't match up to an ideal which was completely impossible to begin with. When we first meet someone new, we're hyper-charged with hormones - the "honeymoon period" or, as you put it "that spark/that transcendence" - and when it wears off, which it inevitably will, it can feel as though we've lost interest in the other person. In reality, this is where the real work of the relationship begins; it's when we get to really understand the partner, how they tick, how they really fit in with us during day-to-day reality, and whether we can be together for the longer term.

Tragically, there ARE people who are addicted to the high of a new relationship and don't recognise the deeper elements which make for a lasting relationship possible. Until they revise this outlook, they are doomed to try new partner after new partner only to be repeatedly disappointed - because their expectations were never realistic in the first place.

It's much easier to find sex than it is a really wonderful partner who'll be there through thick and thin. Heck, it's even for sale if you're that way inclined...

Welcome to the world of *the perfect partner*...

This is a tricky one as some people are going to have very different opinions. It is extremely rare that someone you're with will have *everything* - sense of humour, intelligence, sexual compatibility, looks... whatever your tick list is. Sex however, is one of those that depending on who you ask, is a borderline deal-breaker. Some are happy to let this aspect slide, others are looking for someone they can really get going with. This is something only you can decide though.

All the girls I've been with have had one thing *amazing* about them, with the rest falling on the average levels... one had an amazing sense of humour, one was sexually very 'powerful', another was really funny... and I guess I focused on those points over the rest. But sex is something you can learn to be good at, albeit the spark is not something you can generally acquire.

As I said, some people will say that sex is important and you should find someone that rocks your world, others will say that love, companionship, trust etc are the key priorities and sex/attraction may fade in time so it's important to have those.

Speaking as someone that has sought that *perfect* one... you end up throwing a lot of amazing people by the wayside and you're not always guaranteed to find better...

In nearly all relationships, the sex declines after a while. There are all sorts of online resources to help you spice things up a bit if this is a serious concern, but it would be really tragic if you were to break up with a wonderful guy in pursuit of some fantasy.

 

Unfortunately, we're fed so much rubbish by the media, romantic films and companies who want to sell us sexy/romantic merchandise that it's easy to feel we're being shortchanged when our relationships don't match up to an ideal which was completely impossible to begin with. When we first meet someone new, we're hyper-charged with hormones - the "honeymoon period" or, as you put it "that spark/that transcendence" - and when it wears off, which it inevitably will, it can feel as though we've lost interest in the other person. In reality, this is where the real work of the relationship begins; it's when we get to really understand the partner, how they tick, how they really fit in with us during day-to-day reality, and whether we can be together for the longer term.

 

Tragically, there ARE people who are addicted to the high of a new relationship and don't recognise the deeper elements which make for a lasting relationship possible. Until they revise this outlook, they are doomed to try new partner after new partner only to be repeatedly disappointed - because their expectations were never realistic in the first place.

 

It's much easier to find sex than it is a really wonderful partner who'll be there through thick and thin. Heck, it's even for sale if you're that way inclined...

nutbrownhare has nailed it here.

Honeymoon is over, time for the real relationship. If you leave this guy, you might find someone with much stronger sex appeal, but lacking something else critical for the relationship to stand the test of time. I don't like the word "settling", but looking for a 10/10 across all levels is elusive. I am sure you have a trait that your boyfriend finds imperfect too.

I'm in a relationship with a really great guy (for about a year and a half now), but I don't get super turned on by him. Are you supposed to be super sexually compatible with your partner? I'm happy in this relationship for several reasons - emotional compatibility, security, similar interests, enjoy spending time together - but I don't get butterflies when kissing my boyfriend and I seldom fantasize about him sexually. That being said, our sex is pretty good and pretty frequent, but I don't feel that spark/that transcendence.

You've been with him for a year and a half? Obviously, you have experienced more than enough attraction, or "butterflies" to sustain the relationship for this long. You may just be experiencing a temporary "loss of spark", which is natural and normal. Spice things up! Talk to him about him. If you say "sex is pretty good and pretty frequent", then what is it EXACTLY that is lacking or missing? Sounds like you love this guy very much, and more importantly, you seem to highly value him as a romantic and relationship partner because you identify the positive things about him. Ask yourself the question "is it worth potentially losing this guy for a fantasy search for some new mystery guy who you may (or may not) experience "butterflies" with? The "butterflies" you refer to are often times very elusive and hard to find! Also, what is your age may I ask?

Thanks for getting back to me! Great advice. I'm 25.