Conflicts around having my opinion and personal boundaries?

I have some concerns about my boyfriend in terms of respecting my boundaries and being okay with my opinions.

 

Yesterday I had my old hard drive connected to my computer and he sat down and wanted to look at the stuff on my drive. I have a lot of private stuff and photos, nothing bad, but it was my stuff. He insisted on looking thru it all even though I said no, then he said why am I hiding stuff from him, and why am I not sharing things with him. Also, there are a lot of photos on the drive related to my old hobby, which I have now quit and regret doing, which is raising spiders as pets. He knew about my hobby and seemed ok with it, but I wasn't comfortable with sharing hundreds of insect pictures. It is a hobby I want to put behind me forever.

 

Then we started talking about my insect hobby and I said I quit and regret doing it. I said "the hobby is stupid and is for kids." Then he got upset and walked off. He looked sad so I asked why and he said he didn't like that I belittled the hobby. He said I'm being too judgmental and I shouldn't put down people just because they like spiders. (Note: he has nothing to do with the insect hobby and has no interest in it at all.) He said I'm being too "negative and unpleasant." He said I am sounding like some of his (ex?) friends who said that his hobbies (like video games) are "stupid and for kids." He said those friends upset him very much. But I am confused because I only criticized the insect hobby, not his hobbies. Then he said that he is worried that I will start saying the same thing about his video games or cartoon hobbies, then that would be terrible.

 

I said that I feel like I can't voice my own opinions, and he said I can, but my comment still made him sad. Then I tried explaining why I feel so bad about the hobby (there were many kids, yes, and the community had some bad apples who went as far as threaten other ppl's lives so I got nervous, plus raising bugs socially isolated me in real life). Then he said I shouldn't get so defensive and having to explain myself, he said he appreciated the explanation but I still made him sad.

 

I am just so confused, did I do something wrong? How could I have handled it? How do I resolve it?

 

Also was it bad for me to refuse showing him my photos?

It sounds like he has some internal guilt about his video game hobby and was projecting it onto your past hobby.

People often criticize others when they really are just internally criticizing themselves.

 

I would say your old hard drive is private. Some people have sensitive documents or photos not to be shared with others and he should have respected that.

It was good of you to refuse showing him the photos. He should have respected your wishes.

No, it is not bad for you to have boundaries. He was pushy and look for pics of exes not spiders.

The spider thing sounds like an argument about nothing at all. Obviously he feels some insecurity about the way he spends his time (or the way he's been treated for engaging in those pursuits).

 

I think you are well within your rights to refuse to show him your hard drive. It's not about the contents of the drive; it's about the principle. In every relationship there should be a "me" a "you" and an "us." Setting boundaries around where each of those begins and ends can preserve your sense of individual identity while still allowing for intimacy and vulnerability.

The spider thing sounds like an argument about nothing at all. Obviously he feels some insecurity about the way he spends his time (or the way he's been treated for engaging in those pursuits).

 

I think you are well within your rights to refuse to show him your hard drive. It's not about the contents of the drive; it's about the principle. In every relationship there should be a "me" a "you" and an "us." Setting boundaries around where each of those begins and ends can preserve your sense of individual identity while still allowing for intimacy and vulnerability.

Amen!.........

Gawd - this guy has serious issues...

 

Who cares if you had spiders as pets? Who cares if you had spiders as pets and were teaching them to tap-dance? It's not harming anybody!

 

Have I got this right... he walked off and got upset because you belittled your own hobby, which you wanted to put behind you. You weren't putting anybody else down, you just expressed your own distaste for your own former hobby right now. Then he got upset with you about something you hadn't actually done? And accused you of making him sad?

 

This guy is a serious mind-effer; turning his own hangups on you and holding you responsible for them. You owed him no explanation for something which does not affect him and has nothing to do with him.

 

And no, you weren't wrong to refuse him access to your entire hard drive; in fact, the only thing you did wrong was allow him any access to your private stuff at all! Privacy and a right to your own space is a large part of a healthy relationship, and insisting that he has access to all your stuff and then berating you for not sharing it with him is typical of emotional/physical abusers.

 

I had a short-lived relationship like this a few years ago; he was great to begin with, but after about six weeks of this kind of behaviour I got the hell out and never looked back. There's nothing you can do with people like this; they are completely determined to see themselves as victims of YOUR bad behaviour whilst using and abusing you in the process. Just don't engage with it.

 

P.S. It was this relationship which first brought me to Enotalone...

How long have you been dating? Unfortunately he sounds like an ignorant, controlling jerk. Cut your losses.

 

No people do not look through your heard drive unless they are the cops and confiscated it. What was he thinking?

 

Also if he doesn't like spiders, your hobbies, etc. tell him your yard is filled with brown recluse spiders. Entomologists are cool, btw there are medical entomologists, forensic entomologists, environmental entomologists, etc..

 

You don't have to agree with him on things and certainly he doesn't need access to your devices. Ever.

I had my old hard drive connected to my computer and he sat down and wanted to look at the stuff on my drive. He insisted on looking thru it all even though I said no, then he said why am I hiding stuff from him, and why am I not sharing things with him. Then we started talking about my insect hobby and I said I quit and regret doing it.

 

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Is this one of the famous EtaCarinae1 Dancing Spider Troupe?

Thanks for the replies everyone!

 

We been together almost 8 months.

 

Today I brought up the subject again and I wanted to say that I'd appreciate my privacy regarding my hard drive. He said he understands and he didn't view the pictures and he was just joking about wanting to view the pictures. He said he didn't see the pictures in the end, which was true. But I felt I had to kinda "fight", like I had to say no several times and he kept wanting to see a particular folder which he asked about 5 times and I kept saying no. Also he made me feel guilty that I was hiding stuff.

 

Then I talked about the insect thing and he said that yes he was sad, but it wasn't me. It was just the comment in general that made him sad. Again I tried to explain myself that I was just criticizing my hobby not his hobby, and I am feeling sad today because I felt like he was judging me for hating on my former hobby. He said he wasn't judging me or my opinion. He also said I shouldn't be explaining myself or me getting defensive or asking him why he's sad. He said that him getting sad is not my fault and not about me and nothing I can say can fix it (how is it not about me if he is sad directly due to something I said?) He said that me bringing it up again makes him more sad because it's like I'm cornering him. He says by talking more and me being upset at him, I'm making him more upset and he can't stand it. He just wants support, like I should stop talking and comfort him saying everything's ok and hug him, not get mad at him.

 

I just feel so exasperated. If he's sad, I wanted to talk to him and get to the issue and work it out. I guess I did accuse him of judging me for my bad opinion of the hobby and for being too pushy with my hard drive. Maybe that's why he's upset. But I feel awful, guilty, and responsible for making him sad in the first place by saying "spiders are stupid." But now he says it's not me and there's nothing I can do to fix it. Which leaves me feeling more guilty and helpless. And he said that me being upset at him and me bringing up the subject today is making him feel worse. So now I feel even worse, like I did something bad. It's like he's the victim and I made him feel terrible. Maybe i should've just kept my mouth shut the whole time?

 

To his credit, he is totally cool with anyone raising insects as a hobby and never said anything bad about me doing it. Rather it's me being super critical of the hobby right now, due to some bad experiences with the community.

 

I just don't know what to do. Am I being too stubborn or overreactive?

It depends how fond you are of this guy, I guess. I'd be out of there so fast you wouldn't see my bottom for dust!

 

Both of you need to understand that nobody else can "make" you feel anything. They may give a strong provocation, but ultimately our emotions are our own responsibility - nobody else can put them into us. So, when you say:

 

But I feel awful, guilty, and responsible for making him sad in the first place by saying "spiders are stupid."

You were not responsible for "making" him sad - you are not responsible for his feelings, and that's his stuff. The fact that you feel awful and guilty is your stuff, though, and can safely be thrown overboard. It was not a remark directed at him, and it was just reporting how you feel. Nor was it a serious comment about the intelligence level of spiders.

And he said that me being upset at him and me bringing up the subject today is making him feel worse.

Again, he is putting the responsibility for his own feelings onto you. This is game-playing. Sharing feelings is an important part of intimacy, but the difference between intimacy and playing games is that, with intimacy, both people take responsibility for the own feelings and make "I" statements - as opposed to accusing the other of "making them feel". There's nothing wrong with saying, in a straightforward fashion "I felt upset when you..." unless it's trying to manipulate the other person into doing something, or changing to suit your own needs.

 

He is manipulating you into taking care of his feelings, whether you are the "cause" of his distress or not, and then mothering him as though he were a little boy:

He just wants support, like I should stop talking and comfort him saying everything's ok and hug him, not get mad at him.

 

You can't do anything about him. None of us can change another person, only ourselves. This is a useful article on establishing healthy boundaries 10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/"] / If you start to practise them, you may find that he "ups the ante" to begin with, but if you can develop a better sense of yourself, your relationship with either improve or it will end.

He sounds rather manipulative. Be careful of taking the bait and being played emotionally.

 

If he wants to go through your hard drive and feels entitled to, pretty soon he'll feel "hurt and unloved" if you don't hand over your phone and passcodes and social media passwords etc.

I see quite a few serious red flags there. How new is this relationship and you do know someone that controlling and belittling is only going to get worse, right? He shows quite a few red flags of the controlling/potentially emotionally abusive or worse.

 

You are never wrong to establish and insist others respect your boundaries. In fact, I would tell him if he can't respect them and he pulls this crap again then you are done. Do not doubt yourself, do not ever decide "Well, I'm not going to stick up for myself or what I feel is right, because it makes my partner mad." Or it's like painting a target on your forehead for every manipulator or worse out there.

 

He was trying to pick a fight with you on purpose after the hard drive thing, so he jumped on the whole insects hobby. Because no, absolutely not one jot of what he said made any sense at all, and he didn't care about that, it was just all he could come up with to try and beat you down.

 

OP be really careful, because my sense in reading this is here's a guy that really wants to drain you of any self-confidence and esteem. If I were you I'd be seriously looking at breaking up right about now. I don't think this was a one-time thing, this is the real him you're seeing, and you'd do well to ask yourself if you want to continue on if he's going to make you feel bad all the time.

 

I could feel the air being sucked out of the room from where I sat, and I'm not in a relationship with the guy. I'm just reading your post. What you describe isn't good at all, and you should just tell him "These are MY rules, MY boundaries, IF you can't respect them and me and you aren't okay with them then there's the door." And you don't back down an inch or you will end up in a place where trust me, you do not want to be. Ever.

Thanks for the additional replies. Do you all think there are really issues that serious? I know this insect incident is pretty bad, but most of the time I'm together with him things are well. In the past several months since we were together I think we had arguments like this maybe 4-5 times and we resolved them pretty well. But this time I feel more upset though. I mean I don't want to just jump to conclusions about his personality. Im just so confused...

You've only just started to see the real him. As I say, you're the only person who knows how strong your feelings for him actually are - but be prepared for more of this sort of thing in the future.

Am I being too stubborn or overreactive?

 

I don't think you are over reacting at all. You are in a situation that you are not comfortable with, and your attempts to understand it are met with inexplicable resistance. You are being held hostage by the word Sad. If you do not follow his instructions on how to behave, anything you say or do will just result in more Sad, and it will be your fault.

 

This is very controlling behavior. And it goes hand in hand with his need to see what was on your old hard drive.

 

But I felt I had to kinda "fight", like I had to say no several times and he kept wanting to see a particular folder which he asked about 5 times and I kept saying no. Also he made me feel guilty that I was hiding stuff.

 

You did have to fight. Pay attention to how people make you feel. At the end of the day, you can't change people, but you can choose who you hang around with. If you pick people who hold you responsible for their feelings, you're going to end up defending yourself and feeling crappy most of the time.

Also about the hard drive, it came from my old computer which died and earlier in the day he helped me recover the disk and extract the data which I don't know how to do myself. I mean I don't have anything really to hide on my hard drive, but there were some of my parents' stuff too. I don't have any pictures of any exes, just an bunch of spider photos and spider eggs and spiders eating or mating and don't feel comfortable sharing them. Because well maybe I'm insecure about them and I fear I'd gross him out.

 

He is now apologizing to me and says he loves me and that I am upset at him is hurting his feelings. He says he doesn't understand why I am upset and he is sorry if he said bad stuff to hurt me, and he loves me. I mean I've already been sad this whole day. Because of two reasons: 1) I feel he doesn't trust me, as if I have "bad" things on my hard disk that he needs to uncover, and this hurts. I don't think he wants to see spiders because I did show him pics of spiders when we first started dating and he said they were cool and a bit scary but wasn't super interested or repulsed. 2) I feel like I am walking on eggshells and I'm afraid to say random things that could make him upset.

 

I don't know how to respond to him. I don't want to be unreasonable to him or sulking for a long time but I do feel really down right now.

I think it's a lot as ParisPaulette said:

 

He was trying to pick a fight with you on purpose after the hard drive thing, so he jumped on the whole insects hobby. Because no, absolutely not one jot of what he said made any sense at all, and he didn't care about that, it was just all he could come up with to try and beat you down.

 

He knows where the line is, he knew he was crossing it, and all of this other stuff with the sadness and now the apologies is just him trying to distract you from that initial exchange.

2) I feel like I am walking on eggshells and I'm afraid to say random things that could make him upset.

 

This is absolutely classic abuser behaviour on his part. I'm not surprised you're feeling really down; that's what it feels like to be in an abusive relationship, even if the abuse takes more subtle forms than violence or overt verbal abuse. You don't have to justify - to him or anyone else - what was on your hard drive. It's nobody else's business (unless, of course, they were child porn or suchlike!). Do not underestimate what a mindf*** being in a relationship like this can be - along with feeling unhappy and powerless, they're just so WEIRD!!!

 

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