What to do

Me and my girlfriend of 2.5 years had an abortion about 7 months ago. I was not fully involved in the decision and to an extent I resent her for the simple fact that I couldn't be there for her, but at the end of the day am OKAY with what happened and have come to terms with it. Our sex live after the ordeal really suffered but I was not too pushy on my needs as I understood what she just went through. Over the past 2 months it has come up how we rushed into sex afterwards and she wasn't really ready to have sex this happened about 4 months after the abortion. It was clear that she didnt fully enjoy the sex like she use to and kept positions and intimacy to a minimal throughout sex. Towards the end of this all she started to trade me things for sex. For example if I gave her a back massage she would f*** me. This should have been a huge red flag to me but I, like an idiot kept up with it. At the end of the day I was getting laid by the girl I love. I thought this simply could be because she was afraid of what happened. 7 months later and I know she isn't sexually attracted to me anymore. There is still a huge amount of love for each other there, and I personally know she's the only girl I want to be with. I simply just don't know what to do. I do not what to date someone who doesn't want to be intimate with me, and Im starting to think she feels the same way. How do her and I fix the problem at hand?

When there is still a huge amount of love left what do I do? We still do everything for each other we simply just aren't having sex at this point. I don't want to hurt us anymore and just want to work on fixing us. Do you think if I hit the gym harder she'll in return be attracted to me again? If I improve myself and don't make it seem as she is my everything anymore will that put her on her toes? I am willing to do whatever I need to get that true feeling that I'm dying for again, I simply am just at a lost of words on what to do. We are very open with each other and have a wide open line of communication she simply just does not like going to a therapist (has suffered from issues with docs before and think seeing one together could turn her off even more)

What do y'all suggest I do? I really don't want to lose the girl of my dreams but refuse to continue to be in an unhealthy relationship

Definitely don't try to "earn" sex by doing favors for her or going to the gym, etc. In a healthy relationship, sex should be free (no strings attached) and frequent. It sounds like you have done everything you can to help her understand your feelings, and she's unwilling to change. If she's not willing to see a therapist by herself (which might be more helpful than seeing one together), that leaves the ball in your court; either you change yourself by accepting her low sexual interest, or change your relationship status by breaking up with her.

My first suggestion would be to talk to her about your feelings. Secondly, you might want to consider couples counseling to help talk about post-abortion grief.

I kind of think it's pretty insensitive to be pushy about sex after your gf had an abortion.

My first suggestion would be to talk to her about your feelings. Secondly, you might want to consider couples counseling to help talk about post-abortion grief.

 

I kind of think it's pretty insensitive to be pushy about sex after your gf had an abortion.

At no point was there pushiness I waited until she initiated and at made sure to never ask a lot. I did not want to have sex right away and ruin the relationship we had.

In turn she told me she had sex with me too early, and that she had been keeping the grief and pain to herself. There were signs but I was too blind to see them. I simply don't know what to do anymore and am looking for the best way to get back to healthy and happy sex.

Do you think with time we can heal and get back to our old selves? In a sense my girlfriend has lost sexual interest in me and I'm looking for the best way to get it back.

>>It was clear that she didnt fully enjoy the sex like she use to and kept positions and intimacy to a minimal throughout sex.

How did this sex happen? Who initiated it?

Do you think with time we can heal and get back to our old selves? In a sense my girlfriend has lost sexual interest in me and I'm looking for the best way to get it back.

You haven't addressed the idea of talking to her about it or counseling. It's hard to believe you are serious about things improving.

I have talked to her about it many times and she is lost too, she doesn't know exactly what it takes to get sexual attraction back. I have also begged to see a counselor with her, as I see one myself. She simply won't. She says what are we "married" if we have to see a counselor we may as well not date...I don't know what to say back to that..

She started out initiating sex over time that faded and it got to a point where she would trade favors for sex. If I did the dishes, gave her a back massage walked the dogs etc.

I don't think she needs couples therapy, I think she needs therapy on her own. Don't push for couples therapy because you aren't getting sex, infact I'd let her know it's better if sex is off the table until she talks to someone. She needs to come to terms with the abortion she might be feeling traumatized.

Wow she has to pay you with sex for something as simple as a romantic back rub that you should be doing anyway? Going to the gym to beef up more won't restore sex with your zero-romance let's get laid attitude.

It doesn't sound like this relationship will last long term. Too much water under the bridge, resentment and game playing.

Towards the end of this all she started to trade me things for sex. For example if I gave her a back massage she would f*** me.

Did she want the baby, and you didn't? Did she think you would have proposed by now after what you both went through?

Did you make any promises for having her get an abortion?

I'm sorry - I'm am speaking with my own words, but I was promised a proposal after getting mine, and when it didn't happen, the relationship died.

I called him up a year later to forgive him, and he regretted everything, and wish he did everything differently. He wanted to get back together, but it was too late. My love for him was gone.

And I apologize again - I'm not her, and I'm not there. I am just going on the fact that her attraction to you is gone, which is usually tied to intimacy, trust, and love after dating a few years. So, it sounds like there's more than just working through the abortion here.

Did she want the baby, and you didn't? Did she think you would have proposed by now after what you both went through?

 

Did you make any promises for having her get an abortion?

 

I'm sorry - I'm am speaking with my own words, but I was promised a proposal after getting mine, and when it didn't happen, the relationship died.

 

I called him up a year later to forgive him, and he regretted everything, and wish he did everything differently. He wanted to get back together, but it was too late. My love for him was gone.

 

And I apologize again - I'm not her, and I'm not there. I am just going on the fact that her attraction to you is gone, which is usually tied to intimacy, trust, and love after dating a few years. So, it sounds like there's more than just working through the abortion here.

No- I was not involved in the abortion process. She went home for the summer right when she got pregnant and I didnt even know. When I came out to visit her she told me she had gotten an abortion and that it was best to keep me out of the loop to save me from hurting. Granted, I was not in the best state of mind when all this happened and pretty lonely, I was able to get over the fact that I was not involved in the process. I made no promises to her after I learnt of what had happened. We both really still have love for each other, we tell each other I love you all the time and our actions show the fact that we will do whatever for each other...Sex is just what our relationship does not have anymore and IMO we both just really need it to be fully happy with each other.

Was it yours?

She went home for the summer right when she got pregnant and I didnt even know. I made no promises to her after I learnt of what had happened. ...Sex is just what our relationship does not have anymore.

Why do think her mind may not be in it right now? Really think about it, why would she be feeling a bit broken down there? Give her time to grieve.

She is probably using sex as payment because instinctively we know sex is for procreation and right now she does not want to feel that motivation behind sex. Why? She is filled with regret over the procedure and does not want to risk it happening again and on some level she feels to want sex makes her a dirty person after what she did; Many women are pro choice until after the procedure. Give her time, push her into therapy and stop pushing for sex right now and read her on an emotional level.