Arguing With Myself

Hiya! This is my first post here, also my first time seeking any advice on my LDR. I have a unique situation, one that I placed myself in... and have found myself needing to make a choice that much sooner than I thought I would. Backstory time, I guess. About 5 years ago I reunited with an ex via FB, he wasn't the typical had a lot of arguments and drove each other crazy kind of ex. We had dated on and off for the past 15 years, eventually falling apart and finding each other again somehow. I was in a bad situation both emotionally and physically, but he literally saved me..... gave me a place to live, got me back on my feet (again, literally) and someone to care about. The only problem was.... there wasn't anything there. We were basically living together in a friends with benefits situation.... we both knew it. Things started getting progressively worse over the years, due to my own health reasons I gave him leave to sleep with whoever, with some strict conditions in place. I didn't want to know about it, and I didn't want her to be someone we both knew. He broke that.... so many times.... but at the same time, he supported me, and wanted me with him, and I owed him that. I wasn't perfect, I was y... sometimes lazy, and I was broken. He knew and accepted those things, as long as I did what he asked.

Last year I started playing a new MMORPG, you make friends quickly in these types of games, and I soon had a loving group of people around me... I started realizing that I enjoyed speaking with them more than I did with him.... but I owed him everything, so still I stayed. There came a day when one of my closer friends on the game was going through a lot of hell in his personal life. I wanted to be there for him, he hadn't had it easy either, and he had been there for me when I sobbed like an idiot over stupid things. We began having regular calls, and depending on each other for pretty much everything. Unlike my long time partner we had so many things in common that we could discuss, and would never run out of things to laugh, or debate over. It comes as no surprise that our friendship ended up evolving at some point, even though neither of us knew exactly when. For the first time in forever, I felt genuinely happy around someone else. I had become such a loner in the past few years that contact with other people was just.... an irritation. I had been miserable. I had endured it because not only did I owe him, but I truly believed that mediocrity was the norm, that everyone settled in the end, and that love... the kind you hear about, was bullsh*t. I want so badly to give that a chance, but can I... after all he has done for me? Is that really ok? I know we aren't happy, but he has been powering through it, and pretending. Hell.... he just bought a home for us. I also know him well enough to know... he isn't going to let go easily. I don't want to be controlled anymore, I don't want my life being decided for me anymore.... I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore. Please, please help.

The relationship you're in isn't healthy, and you'd be best to break it off completely. It was evident from the start it would never work (IE. on-off for 15 years), but as you say it's got progressively worse. That, and he doesn't respect you enough to adhere to the already lenient boundaries you've set in regards to your sex life.

As for the new guy; I'm not one to say that online relationships can't work, because they do, but I'm wondering if you're simply "clinging on" to this guy simply because you have a positive connection. You haven't actually met by the sounds of it. At the moment, until you actually do meet, it's all a fantasy.

Whatever the case, break it off with your partner and take some time alone for a bit to focus on yourself. You've got enough on your plate for you to worrying about relationships for the time being.

If you are not working or getting a disability income and can support yourself you are not "back on your feet".

Having an emotional affair through gaming seems to be your response to the open relationship choice?

How are you being controlled? You seems you just be coating along for the ride and the roof, no?

he literally saved me..... gave me a place to live, got me back on my feet. We were basically living together in a friends with benefits situation. he supported me. he just bought a home for us. I don't want to be controlled anymore

I am working 60+ hour weeks at the moment, he does not work at this time. I barely make enough to pay the bills, the house IS paid for with an inheritance from his parents. When it comes to the controlling part... I can't do anything, anything at all without his say so. I want to go see my sister? "Why do you have to go over there? Why can't she come over here? You shouldn't have to leave the house." I hadn't spent time with her in 7 years, she had just recently moved back from out of state. I am not coasting, although I do see how you got that impression. He is financially able to make it without me, so that isn't what is making me feel guilty about leaving. The reason I'm feeling so damn torn is that.... he helped me for years (same as he would anyone else, he IS a good guy). He has one hell of a temper, has to have things done a certain way, and that includes any and all aspects of my life. I care for him, but I'm not in the least bit happy. I just don't know if I have the right to leave anymore.