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Thread: When it gets dark, look for the stars...

  1. #1
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    When it gets dark, look for the stars...

    So I just wanted to start a random thread, to mainly just express how I feel day to day.. I love writing down or typing how I feel, it really allows me to get everything off my chest. Whether it be opening up about my day or the way I feel or just simply an inspirational quote...

    I don't deal well with talking to others about my problems, this is my next best thing, starting an online blog-type-thing! Maybe I should start by saying a little about myself... My biggest dream is to move away to California with no return in sight, I'm 19, I live in the glorious United Kingdom and I have a passion for horse riding! My pony is my absolute world, he's my love, my best friend, my councillor, my rock and my therapist! It's really quite amazing how one hour with my tall, dark, Mr Handsome can change my mood (For all you romantics, chill out, I mean my horse! 😉 )

    I'm a big believer in The Law Of Attraction and The Power Of Positivity, so expect alot of spiritual and eye opening quotes and thoughts... On that note I hope you are all having a lovely evening, afternoon or morning wherever you may be in this wonderful world! This is it for now, but I'll post again real soon..
    xox
    Last edited by ExoticDance; 03-25-2017 at 11:31 PM.

  2. #2
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    Mentally Confused.

    So why exactly is it a bad idea to dream about a crush from five years ago?! Because then you can't stop thinking about the idiot all day!!

    So my parents divorced when I was 6 and my mum moved 150 miles away, I lived with my dad from that day on even till now... When my mum moved she met some local friends, a family- a mum, dad, three sons and a daughter. The daughter was a year younger than me and we were good friends. I'd stay at my mums house for a few weeks and we'd be virtually inseparable. Her second oldest brother, let's call him Norfolk, for the sake of protecting an identity and my pride, was 4 years older than me. So obviously at a young age I had no interest. When I hit 15 was when I started to fancy him, you know one of those high school crushes where you fantasise about holding hands and kissing, none of the serious intimate stuff! It was perfect, I was so mesmerised by him even though we hadn't ever spoken! My mum had a birthday party, and he was invited, I didn't think he'd show up but he did and we got talking and kissed, alot! But he left so abruptly, we spoke over text a few weeks after I'd returned home to my dad's. It turns out he fantasised about a lot more than holding hands and kissing! I discovered he'd gotten around quite alot, he had a girlfriend and then I later found out he'd gotten a traveller girl pregnant. I was devastated. Even though we never had anything close to a relationship it really did affect me, from a young age I realised that boys can be d*cks!

    Well to cut a long story and many tears short, he's still with the traveller girl. They have three children now and he isn't happy, her family, because of their beliefs, threatened to have him "disposed of" if he ever left her. Apparently he works long hours and she spends all of his money yet doesn't work herself... Norfolk's family have had many chats with my mum preaching their regret for keeping him away from me as he had ended up in such a mess. And I just can't help but think that I would have probably been the girl that ended up pregnant whilst he swanned around sowing his oats, because my family aren't lunatics, he would have ran for the hills at the thought of being a father..

    Well last night I had a dream about him and I haven't stopped thinking about him all day, it's driving me nuts!! I keep thinking about the night with him at my mums birthday party, it still gives me butterflies.. I keep making up little scenarios in my head and wondering what they'd be like if they came true. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him alot. And I know what you must be thinking, he was a cheat. But I think it's safe to say he's probably well and truly learnt his lesson in the most brutal way possible...

    I have another problem though, I can't think freely.. For the simple fact of my current control freak boyfriend, let's call him Hinckley! He proposed to me the other day, I said no of course, I don't want to be engaged at 19 and certainly not to a control freak. It scared the life out of me! It seems myself and Norfolk ended up in pretty sticky situations. I wish I knew why I missed him so damn much but I don't have an answer for such a simple question... I don't know why I dreamt of him either, we haven't spoken for 5 years and he hasn't been mentioned for a long while to me.

    Well, it's getting late here so I should probably hit the sheets! Goodnight everyone, or good morning, whichever time zone you may be in! I'm off to dream about things and people I shouldn't!
    xox

  3. #3
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    Shady behaviour and Champagne.

    If in doubt crack open a bottle of bubbly and poor your sorrows out...

    So my boyfriend is acting real strange lately, and this is something I'd love for opinions on if anyone is reading!

    So when we first got together he promised he wouldn't go to town, I believed him! Yesterday my friend messaged me saying she saw him in a bar she works in with his friend and she told me that he said to her he was going to tell me he was out, he never did. So I confronted him about it, he came out with many excuses like he was waiting till we were in person to tell me, he never would have gone if I had seen him that night, he had no choice because he was supporting a friend, he apparently messaged me before he went telling me he was going, coincidentally the message failed to send! We got into a huge argument about it and he's been apologising and saying it won't happen again but my trust has wavered ALOT! I don't deal well with people breaking promises, especially those close to me, and my trust doesn't come easy! So I'm pretty annoyed he breached my trust boundary. He said he knows he did wrong and that he should have told me and that it won't happen again(we'll see!). It got me thinking though of other things...

    When we're together he seems to get loads of messages on Facebook, his phone is going off all the time, when he gets a message he turns his phone away, the same as the other day he showed me something in our chat on Facebook but when he clicked back to his inbox he turned his phone away. When he for example shows me a photo in his gallery, he won't let me look at his gallery and he'll tell me to look away until he's found the photo because, and I quote, "it's a surprise"- this is a regular thing he does. I don't know if I'm over worrying but since he didn't tell me of his antics and broke a promise I'm finding it hard to stop my mind wondering. He just seems to like having attention. I don't know if I'm over thinking or what but adding it all up it looks so weird.

    Another thing I keep thinking is a guilty conscious accuses an innocent mind.. The amount of times he's accused me of liking someone or messaging someone and he looks through my phone, reads through my messages and looks at my call history, I have absolutely nothing to hide, but it's like he convinces himself that I do have something to hide because he does...

    Wow I'm so confused I think I may need another glass of champagne at this rate...
    xox

  4. #4
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    It's never easy...

    It's never easy, is it... Things just seem to rush by in an instant and stuff gets messy. I ended the relationship with my controlling boyfriend. But stupidly, we still talk and I've seen him twice since. I know what you must be thinking, "What an idiot", trust me so am I! I just keep finding myself weaving a real tangled Web...

    I never imagined this could happen to me. I heard stories before of people being in controlling and manipulative relationships and I genuinely thought it was such an overreaction, that it wasn't as bad as people described. Boy I was wrong. I never realised until I was headed right for self destruction. I got ill, I lost my self confidence, I no longer did the things I wanted too, I was tired all the time, I lost my job, I never got to see my horse or family, I wasn't allowed to speak to friends or my mum, I wasn't allowed to wear certain clothes or make up or perfume... I wasn't allowed to be me. He wasn't physically abusive... But mentally abusive? He'd mastered that to a T. I didn't want to be alive, I dreaded waking up in the morning, I wished that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I turned to self harming to distract myself. When we got into an argument and he blamed it on me I craved to hurt myself, I needed too. It was the only thing that made me feel better. He lead me to believe it was me who was the problem and that I had issues... But I wasn't the one with issues. He was.

    I know that I didn't have it as bad as alot of people, but those emotional scars will stay with me forever. Sometimes I have good days where I don't think of it.. But other days can be bad and filled with nothing but flashbacks.. I wouldn't ever wish this upon anyone. Emotional blackmail and mental abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse. Bones and bruises can heal, but mentally you never do.

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  6. #5
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    Desperately looking for those stars..

    How is it you can change so much in 9 months... How can your whole personality be stripped within an instant? How can you not even realise that you are slowly losing yourself in that time? I often wonder why. I didn't know that this would happen to me. Just all of this big, complicated, stinking mess!

    You know I thought I had it perfect, the job, the horse, the boyfriend, no worries at all. How stupid was I! It was so perfect but then out of nowhere this huge storm hit and erupted into an uncontrollable disaster. And now once again I'm left to pick up the pieces. I struggle to identify how I feel most days, I didn't think it would affect me this much but my sister was right. He'd already sunk his claws so deep that I'd suffer in the long term, even if I didn't realise it. Well now I do.

    The flashbacks are the worst. The slight reminders of painful memories that flood my head every now and then. I didn't think I would suffer this bad, but the situation still makes itself known quite clearly when I'm alone. I can't stop them. And for those few seconds it's like I'm reliving the bad moments again. The scary thing is that they are so realistic, like I'm still stuck in that moment. I remember his face angry more than happy. That snarly look and the cold eyes. The raised voice that made me flinch away... I remember it all. Controlling and mentally abusive relationships are never easy. And the scars last forever. As do the memories.

    It's sad though... Knowing that whatever you did for that person it never ever seemed good enough. Nothing ever seemed to please them. To them you were just like everyone else. You know I'm sick of being a light worker. I'm sick of enhancing everyone else's lives and being unhappy myself... It just feels as if I come into people's lives to dig them out of a hole and then in the end they turn around to bite me.

    There's just an ever growing darkness in my heart. I never used to be this way. I used to be so happy and so sure of myself. I swore I'd never fall apart for anyone. But I did, and it was such a mistake. I swore that my hardest ever decision would be what colour I wanted my nails. Fat chance. Now I'm just left with this cold, empty feeling. Like a stone has been lodged firmly in my chest where my heart should be. I'm trying so hard not to lose it, but I fear it's already too late. I just want to be me again...

  7. #6
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    Keep smiling beautiful❤

    How did I end up like this?! You know I constantly wonder if it's true when they say that you can't be fixed by what broke you... I don't know what the hell is going on in my head, how did I not see that I was just playing with the devil the whole time?! That it was already game over from the start. My head and heart were so pure and so full of hope. I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself get hurt again. But I went from a cheating scumbag to a manipulative control freak. What an idiot!! Seriously what is wrong with me?! What has to be so wrong with a person that you treat them like sh*t. I tried my damn hardest to make him feel special, to make him feel ontop of the world, to make him feel loved. But all I got in return was control. He controlled and manipulated me into thinking I wasn't worthy of anything or anyone, that I was below him and he was so out of my league. In what world is it okay to do that to someone?! There's so many cruel b*stards out there its unreal. When did it become okay to treat someone like dirt?! I tried so damn hard. The thing that breaks me the most is that it was so perfect to start with, it was so amazing... I should've seen the signs, maybe it was my fault after all? I should have seen what he was trying to do. All of the comments, the "you look better without make up" "I'm glad you like spending time with me instead of friends" "I love it that you choose to talk to me on the phone instead of your mum" they all turned into things he was damn serious about. "Why do you want to wear make up?! It's like you're trying to impress someone, who are you trying to impress?!" "Why do you want to see friends, it worries me what you'll talk about. Promise me you don't want to see friends?!" "Why do you need to talk to your mum you spoke to her the other night it's like you don't want to talk to me" they all became things that I feared. I was terrified to do normal stuff that any 19 would do!! I was scared to spend too long having my nails done, I was scared to wear make up, I had to ask him if it was okay if I called my mum, I didn't dare talk to any friends, I was terrified to go and see my sister, I was scared to go on Facebook or instagram, I was petrified if I accidentally clicked on WhatsApp after I'd replied because it might look as if I was messaging someone else! I was scared to say I wanted to go to sleep at 6 in the morning when I had to be up at 9 for work. I realised the problem eventually. It takes a while. People can tell you over and over but until you accept it yourself you just brush people off with "I'll be fine, yeah I'll leave him" just so they stop talking. But when you accept it yourself reality just smacks you in the face. I was still scared even when I'd accepted I was in a bad relationship, one that drained me, made me feel ill and exhausted me. One that created such an anger from all of the arguing that I lost it over the simplest things. I genuinely didn't know how to cope, I thought I was going crazy. He'd start arguments, then act innocent and convince me I was crazy. It isn't a healthy situation. I eventually started to make excuses, that my phone had a virus and wouldn't let me answer the phone just so I didn't have to talk to him. I promised I'd only do that for that one night, that ended up turning into weeks. Excuse after excuse of why we couldn't talk on the phone. Eventually I started making excuses that my phone had broken so I couldn't text him either and so he'd come to my house and I'd be too terrified to answer, I'd tell my dad not to answer the door. He'd sit outside of my house for ages trying to force me to see him. I'd agree to see him and then get absolutely terrified of the idea so I'd turn my phone off and all of the lights in the house. I'd sit in pitch black, my heart pounding every time I heard a car outside and praying endlessly it wasn't him. It got real bad. I was scared to leave the house. I was scared what people would think. Friends and family started to notice, they'd comment on how tired I looked or how ill I looked and how much weight I'd lost. I couldn't eat without feeling sick, most of the time I just didn't eat because I was too scared of taking too long because I didnt want him to think I was doing something else. I even had to ask him if it was alright if I could eat before I called him. It's been the worst year of my life. I've been through some pretty tough situations but nothing compares to this. He changed so much that he failed to even realise, only accused me of changing. I was still the same, everything about me was still the same. And when he changed I still foolishly tried to see the good in him. I still prayed that he'd be back to normal one day, that I could cope with it for now. It didn't last long. He dragged me down to rock bottom, I didnt want to be alive anymore. I'd often go to bed wishing that I just didn't wake up in the morning, that by some miracle I'd die in my sleep. I self harmed, because it was the only thing that helped at the time. I regret it stupidly now. But like as the scars are there on my skin, they are very much there in my mind. My point being to anyone in a controlling relationships, I know what you are feeling. I know it's scary. I know what it feels like to feel sick to your stomach, to wish you were dead, to wonder if it's you or it it's all your fault. Well let me tell you something, it isn't your fault. You are such a beautiful, beautiful soul that deserves the absolute universe. You deserve everything. You deserve so much more than what you are receiving. Just open your eyes and your heart will follow. And just remember, it may be hard now, but it doesn't rain forever. Keep smiling beautiful❤
    ~~
    Once more into the fray,
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know...
    Live and die on this day...
    Live and die on this day...

  8. #7
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    Lost soul❤

    I want to be the girl that reads cute inspirational books in a quiet cafť with a freshly brewed latte or chai tea. Where the hustle and bustle is no bother. Where looking out of the window and seeing the sun shining or even a downpour of rain and still feel content inside and out is an every day thing. I want the eternal happiness, I want those moments of bliss where I feel grounded and at one with myself. I want everything to slow down instead of running at a thousand miles per hour. I want to breathe in the rain drenched pavement and feel free. I need my escape.

  9. #8
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    If only.

    How easy is it to have a peaceful mind? Mine seems so crowded all the time. I'd love to be away from here, just anywhere far away... By the beach or hiding out in an old book store, I'm not fussy. Just anything that will calm my mind. I'm going to be honest, I haven't been happy in a long while. I don't know what I'm lacking... I just always seem to want more from life. I'm sick of waking up every day and not knowing where I stand, I want to find my purpose.. I just wish I had a normal job and a normal boyfriend and a normal family and normal living conditions. But I know how selfish it is of me to say these things, that there's terminally ill people who just wish they could live, but we're allowed to want more from life, right? I don't know what's right and wrong anymore, I don't even know what's normal. I need something to dramatically change my life and make it amazing, ha if only...

  10. #9
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    Once more into the fray,
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know,
    Live and die on this day,
    Live and die on this day..

  11. #10
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    I'm done. I want to die.

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