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Thread: When it gets dark, look for the stars...

  1. #31
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    Head or Heart? Maybe, just maybe, neither...

    The name is ironic, right? "Not Alone"... But how is it that even when we are surrounded by people, in real life or on social media, we can still feel all alone...? I've had a lot to say, but I just haven't been able to put it into words. And I feel like sometimes that can get a little dangerous, keeping all of those feelings to yourself. But how do you even begin to express yourself when you cant even understand what it is that's going through your own head? You must know the feeling, right?

    People always ask questions, you know, the usual, "How are you?" "How have you been?", the questions that society tells them to ask. But no one ever really asks "Are you happy?" and thus I think this is why many of us fail to realise just how unhappy we really are. Because it isn't voiced to us. It doesn't naturally occur to us to question ourselves if we're actually happy or not. And when you finally do question yourself, it can hit like a tonne of bricks. Its suffocating, its overwhelming, it makes you feel trapped with no way out. And then things start to fall apart.

    I try to be a good person, believe me, I try... However, sometimes it feels as if it isn't enough. Kinda like you're just being taken for granted. You must be familiar with that at some point in your life? To feel like no matter what you do or how hard you try, it just doesn't seem like its enough. And its exhausting, its draining and eventually it starts to make you question your own worth. Then the self sabotaging starts. "Am I good enough?" "Is it me?" "Did I do something wrong?" "Why am I like this?". I know that I have mentioned this a thousand times in this blog and it probably seems as if I never have anything positive to say, but I am so sick and so tired of this society. I wish I was born 80 years ago so that by now I'd be seeing my way out of the world. And I know that it is very wrong to wish your life away like that. But what real life is this anyway? This isn't real life, people are more bothered about how many likes they get on a photo. Or how many followers they have. Nothing is real anymore. How can you possibly be positive in a world that criticizes and judges every single thing that we do?

    True love, what happened to that? What happened to actual dates and asking for parents blessing? What happened to staying loyal to the very end? I'm an old soul. I was born in the wrong generation. And I am grateful for my life, believe me I am, life is a blessing. But this world, this world we live in is wrong. Its all so so wrong. Sometimes it feels as if I'm the only one in my generation who feels this way. For those of you wondering, I'm 22, but my mind feels way older than that. Sometimes I feel as if that is a bad thing, because I crave the things that no longer exist. I crave the world that has long been forgotten and replaced with this newer technology riddled mess.

    But in reality, how does an old soul ever survive in this suffocating mess?

  2. #32
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    I'm 53 and when I ask my close friends how they are -I mean it - and they know I do especially the ones that are struggling right now. Many generations have felt as you have in the past - voiced this broad discontent with "society". It's a bit of a cop out - you can blame "society" and get all in your negative comfort zone or you can go out there and take action - it can be in the form of volunteer work or small kindnesses or larger kindnesses. Or by taking brisk walks outdoors and really noticing things.

    Nothing makes you question your own worth other than ..... you. And the questions you pose are self-absorbed -so instead of "why am I like this" how about "why I am making the choice to judge "society" instead of to get to know individual people in settings that are meant for that.

    What you crave does "exist" and more than that you create what you crave -you can create genuine connections, genuine interactions.

    I'll share an anecdote. A woman I do not know who is one of my facebook groups wrote that her dear father turns 90 next month and for his birthday she would love it if he received 90 birthday cards including from people he does not know. So I decided to do it and as I was writing in the card I chose (which had to do with all the journeys and adventures he had yet to take) I realized my mother in law would have been 90 in January too. She died some years ago and we all miss her. She was an old and new soul and just a blast really. Anyway I shared that with this stranger, that and that my mother will turn a milestone age in January too. I know I will make a difference- if only to his daughter who so appreciates it. So yes social media triggered this event and wow thank goodness for social media. It's certainly not all bad!
    Good luck to you in 2020!

  3. #33
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    Hi Batya,

    I'm sorry this has taken so long to reply but in all honesty your reply had me feeling a little conflicted. However, now I know how to reply. And to start with, I would like to take the time to thank you. I want to thank you for making me realise that I have been surrounding myself with the wrong people for a very long time. And in turn I really have judged society based on my bad experiences, and that was very wrong of me. I should have noticed that the habits I held onto and the people that I held onto affected me so negatively. And so it shaped the way I viewed the world.

    I know now what I have to do, I know that I need to step away from the negative people. I know that I need to break those negative cycles and rely on myself for my own happiness. This is hard to admit but it was so easy for me to view the world so negative when all I did was think so negative about everything. And the reason I have taken so long to reply to this way because I have been taking time to really get to know myself. And in a way, I've taken time to really get to know the world again. To find beauty in the simple things. To see someone smiling at their phone and find happiness in myself that others are happy around me.

    I know I probably shouldn't share such personal stuff on here but its really how I escape my own head. And I have been in a relationship with someone for a while now. He was the 'Mr Perfect' In my very earlier posts on this thread. But, he isn't so perfect after all. And I have been realising more and more just how toxic he is for me. To sit there and have my dreams absolutely crushed by him and to be told I should think 'realistically' and that I will never go anywhere in life. I know now that I no longer need that energy in my life. But I've only just realised this whilst I've been typing this reply. He flips out over the smallest things and blames me for absolutely everything. And I have just hit the realisation after he's just made me sob my heart out again that if I ever want to be happy in life, it has to be without this person. And I have been lying to myself for so long. I have been trying to mask how I truly feel and passing it off as happiness. But in all honesty I am not happy. I'm exhausted, I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. I feel so drained. I know now that someone who truly loves you supports your dreams. They don't try to crush them in front of you. They support you in believing that anything is possible if you want it bad enough. They accept blame when they are in the wrong and they not only apologise but they never do that to you again. But I will never have that with this person. And although that hurts to accept the truth, I know that he will not change his ways. And that is okay. He did not want to treat me right, and that is okay. I will hurt for a while and cry, that is also okay. But what wouldn't be okay is staying in a position where I am no longer valued or respected so I must leave. And that more than anything, seriously is okay.

  4. #34
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    " I know now that someone who truly loves you supports your dreams. They don't try to crush them in front of you. They support you in believing that anything is possible if you want it bad enough. They accept blame when they are in the wrong and they not only apologise but they never do that to you again. But I will never have that with this person. And although that hurts to accept the truth, I know that he will not change his ways. And that is okay. He did not want to treat me right, and that is okay. I will hurt for a while and cry, that is also okay. But what wouldn't be okay is staying in a position where I am no longer valued or respected so I must leave. And that more than anything, seriously is okay. "

    Thanks so much for your heartfelt reply - I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Certainly you shouldn't be with someone toxic. And yes what you wrote is true but to me anyway it's a bit unrealistic to expect someone who loves you to always apologize and never do whatever it is again. We're all human. Humans repeat mistakes -depending on what they did "wrong" of course. Certain things are nonnegotiable but I wouldn't paint it with such a broad brush to justify leaving someone who is toxic to you. In an ideal world everyone apologizes and never does it again. But if they make the same mistake again -again depending on what it is - it doesn't mean the person doesn't love you. I'm glad you've done all this work!

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  6. #35
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    I will be completely honest, because I have found that lately this seems to help and so I will speak from the heart, no sugar coating anything. My boyfriend asked another girl to go home with him and on numerous occasions has messaged other girls behind my back. I know that I am a fool for taking him back and still staying with him but so foolishly I stayed because I loved him. And I know now that that isn't enough of an excuse to stay with someone. As I have been working on myself I feel like I have outgrown him. And I have realised that he does not offer the basic things in a relationship. I am not allowed to express my emotions at all or what has upset me without him going mad at me and getting angry. And I have come to learn that I cannot go on like that. And it kills me to admit that but I just can't do it any longer. To not be entitled to a basic right within a relationship does not feel right to me. I feel as if I am always the peacemaker. Even if it was something he was in the wrong for I feel as if I am the one who always has to apologise for things I haven't done. And in all honesty, its draining. I don't trust him, I don't feel safe with him at all and he's really been making me unhappy for some time. I know that you can't fit people into your box and make them what you want them to be - I know that - but I just feel like one of the basic things in a relationship is being able to talk about things with your partner. And it hurts that I am not able to do so. Because in all honesty, I love him, I love him more than anything but I think the time has come where I just need to love myself more and let go.

    I don't want it to end, of course I don't, but I'm just coming to the realisation that if I truly want to be happy, it has to be without this person. I never thought I'd say it, I really didn't because there was a time that I felt like I was falling in love with my best friend. There was a time I felt like I could never see my life without him. I don't want to hurt him, I love him. But I just don't feel valued as an equal in this relationship anymore and its taking some time to come to terms with and its killing me. I know there is bigger things to worry about in the world and you can throw around all the advice of love yourself more and don't be afraid to be alone. But lets be honest, it is a little easier said than done... I think the thing I'm dreading the most is waking up in the morning feeling sick and not being able to sleep at night wondering what if. And I know that I shouldn't. I know that the realistic thing to do would be to keep myself busy and do the things that I love. But its just hard to start with, and that's normal, right? I'm typing this with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart, but I'm trying so hard not to let the tears fall, but maybe I should. Maybe I should embrace how I feel. But I'm just terrified to feel. I'm terrified that I will feel this way forever. I'm scared to see him with someone else when I've tried so hard to make him happy. I just want to run away from everything, and I know that I shouldn't. I know that is wrong. But is there even a right way to feel in this situation?!

    How do you let go? How do you let go so completely that their actions no longer bother you? What mindset do you have to stay in? How do you stop yourself from falling apart?

  7. #36
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    You make the choice to let go even though it's not easy. You make the choice not to fall apart. You find ways to cope -whether it's self-talk, drinking a lot of water, talking to a friend but not about yourself, cardio exercise, volunteer work. You can't control how you feel, just how you react to how you feel. I couldn't let go today of feeling stressed and triggered and I didn't try. What I did do was take actions -including preventative actions -so that when I felt stressed or triggered I didn't act in a harmful way to myself or others. For example.

    Another example -now that we're in quarrantine I can no longer use the treadmill I love because it's in a workout room in our building that is now closed. So I have to motivate myself instead to go outside every single morning around dawn -which is when I have time to do this -to workout /exercise/power walk. It's really hard some mornings -I am tired, and/or sore/and/or the weather isn't great. I don't "try" to get in any particular mindset. I don't "try" to feel a certain way. But I act. I put one foot in front of the other and I self talk A LOT. I tell myself I am fighting to stay healthy, to feel good, to feel awesome afterwards when I shower and finally have coffee. I refocus on things that will distract me - my radio station, the trees, the other joggers/exercisers out there also fighting for something to do that's normal, healthy, not all this negativity because of this awful pall of this virus.
    I hope these examples helped. Good luck.

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