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Thread: When it gets dark, look for the stars...

  1. #31
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    Head or Heart? Maybe, just maybe, neither...

    The name is ironic, right? "Not Alone"... But how is it that even when we are surrounded by people, in real life or on social media, we can still feel all alone...? I've had a lot to say, but I just haven't been able to put it into words. And I feel like sometimes that can get a little dangerous, keeping all of those feelings to yourself. But how do you even begin to express yourself when you cant even understand what it is that's going through your own head? You must know the feeling, right?

    People always ask questions, you know, the usual, "How are you?" "How have you been?", the questions that society tells them to ask. But no one ever really asks "Are you happy?" and thus I think this is why many of us fail to realise just how unhappy we really are. Because it isn't voiced to us. It doesn't naturally occur to us to question ourselves if we're actually happy or not. And when you finally do question yourself, it can hit like a tonne of bricks. Its suffocating, its overwhelming, it makes you feel trapped with no way out. And then things start to fall apart.

    I try to be a good person, believe me, I try... However, sometimes it feels as if it isn't enough. Kinda like you're just being taken for granted. You must be familiar with that at some point in your life? To feel like no matter what you do or how hard you try, it just doesn't seem like its enough. And its exhausting, its draining and eventually it starts to make you question your own worth. Then the self sabotaging starts. "Am I good enough?" "Is it me?" "Did I do something wrong?" "Why am I like this?". I know that I have mentioned this a thousand times in this blog and it probably seems as if I never have anything positive to say, but I am so sick and so tired of this society. I wish I was born 80 years ago so that by now I'd be seeing my way out of the world. And I know that it is very wrong to wish your life away like that. But what real life is this anyway? This isn't real life, people are more bothered about how many likes they get on a photo. Or how many followers they have. Nothing is real anymore. How can you possibly be positive in a world that criticizes and judges every single thing that we do?

    True love, what happened to that? What happened to actual dates and asking for parents blessing? What happened to staying loyal to the very end? I'm an old soul. I was born in the wrong generation. And I am grateful for my life, believe me I am, life is a blessing. But this world, this world we live in is wrong. Its all so so wrong. Sometimes it feels as if I'm the only one in my generation who feels this way. For those of you wondering, I'm 22, but my mind feels way older than that. Sometimes I feel as if that is a bad thing, because I crave the things that no longer exist. I crave the world that has long been forgotten and replaced with this newer technology riddled mess.

    But in reality, how does an old soul ever survive in this suffocating mess?

  2. #32
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    I'm 53 and when I ask my close friends how they are -I mean it - and they know I do especially the ones that are struggling right now. Many generations have felt as you have in the past - voiced this broad discontent with "society". It's a bit of a cop out - you can blame "society" and get all in your negative comfort zone or you can go out there and take action - it can be in the form of volunteer work or small kindnesses or larger kindnesses. Or by taking brisk walks outdoors and really noticing things.

    Nothing makes you question your own worth other than ..... you. And the questions you pose are self-absorbed -so instead of "why am I like this" how about "why I am making the choice to judge "society" instead of to get to know individual people in settings that are meant for that.

    What you crave does "exist" and more than that you create what you crave -you can create genuine connections, genuine interactions.

    I'll share an anecdote. A woman I do not know who is one of my facebook groups wrote that her dear father turns 90 next month and for his birthday she would love it if he received 90 birthday cards including from people he does not know. So I decided to do it and as I was writing in the card I chose (which had to do with all the journeys and adventures he had yet to take) I realized my mother in law would have been 90 in January too. She died some years ago and we all miss her. She was an old and new soul and just a blast really. Anyway I shared that with this stranger, that and that my mother will turn a milestone age in January too. I know I will make a difference- if only to his daughter who so appreciates it. So yes social media triggered this event and wow thank goodness for social media. It's certainly not all bad!
    Good luck to you in 2020!

  3. #33
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    Hi Batya,

    I'm sorry this has taken so long to reply but in all honesty your reply had me feeling a little conflicted. However, now I know how to reply. And to start with, I would like to take the time to thank you. I want to thank you for making me realise that I have been surrounding myself with the wrong people for a very long time. And in turn I really have judged society based on my bad experiences, and that was very wrong of me. I should have noticed that the habits I held onto and the people that I held onto affected me so negatively. And so it shaped the way I viewed the world.

    I know now what I have to do, I know that I need to step away from the negative people. I know that I need to break those negative cycles and rely on myself for my own happiness. This is hard to admit but it was so easy for me to view the world so negative when all I did was think so negative about everything. And the reason I have taken so long to reply to this way because I have been taking time to really get to know myself. And in a way, I've taken time to really get to know the world again. To find beauty in the simple things. To see someone smiling at their phone and find happiness in myself that others are happy around me.

    I know I probably shouldn't share such personal stuff on here but its really how I escape my own head. And I have been in a relationship with someone for a while now. He was the 'Mr Perfect' In my very earlier posts on this thread. But, he isn't so perfect after all. And I have been realising more and more just how toxic he is for me. To sit there and have my dreams absolutely crushed by him and to be told I should think 'realistically' and that I will never go anywhere in life. I know now that I no longer need that energy in my life. But I've only just realised this whilst I've been typing this reply. He flips out over the smallest things and blames me for absolutely everything. And I have just hit the realisation after he's just made me sob my heart out again that if I ever want to be happy in life, it has to be without this person. And I have been lying to myself for so long. I have been trying to mask how I truly feel and passing it off as happiness. But in all honesty I am not happy. I'm exhausted, I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. I feel so drained. I know now that someone who truly loves you supports your dreams. They don't try to crush them in front of you. They support you in believing that anything is possible if you want it bad enough. They accept blame when they are in the wrong and they not only apologise but they never do that to you again. But I will never have that with this person. And although that hurts to accept the truth, I know that he will not change his ways. And that is okay. He did not want to treat me right, and that is okay. I will hurt for a while and cry, that is also okay. But what wouldn't be okay is staying in a position where I am no longer valued or respected so I must leave. And that more than anything, seriously is okay.

  4. #34
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    " I know now that someone who truly loves you supports your dreams. They don't try to crush them in front of you. They support you in believing that anything is possible if you want it bad enough. They accept blame when they are in the wrong and they not only apologise but they never do that to you again. But I will never have that with this person. And although that hurts to accept the truth, I know that he will not change his ways. And that is okay. He did not want to treat me right, and that is okay. I will hurt for a while and cry, that is also okay. But what wouldn't be okay is staying in a position where I am no longer valued or respected so I must leave. And that more than anything, seriously is okay. "

    Thanks so much for your heartfelt reply - I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Certainly you shouldn't be with someone toxic. And yes what you wrote is true but to me anyway it's a bit unrealistic to expect someone who loves you to always apologize and never do whatever it is again. We're all human. Humans repeat mistakes -depending on what they did "wrong" of course. Certain things are nonnegotiable but I wouldn't paint it with such a broad brush to justify leaving someone who is toxic to you. In an ideal world everyone apologizes and never does it again. But if they make the same mistake again -again depending on what it is - it doesn't mean the person doesn't love you. I'm glad you've done all this work!

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  6. #35
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    I will be completely honest, because I have found that lately this seems to help and so I will speak from the heart, no sugar coating anything. My boyfriend asked another girl to go home with him and on numerous occasions has messaged other girls behind my back. I know that I am a fool for taking him back and still staying with him but so foolishly I stayed because I loved him. And I know now that that isn't enough of an excuse to stay with someone. As I have been working on myself I feel like I have outgrown him. And I have realised that he does not offer the basic things in a relationship. I am not allowed to express my emotions at all or what has upset me without him going mad at me and getting angry. And I have come to learn that I cannot go on like that. And it kills me to admit that but I just can't do it any longer. To not be entitled to a basic right within a relationship does not feel right to me. I feel as if I am always the peacemaker. Even if it was something he was in the wrong for I feel as if I am the one who always has to apologise for things I haven't done. And in all honesty, its draining. I don't trust him, I don't feel safe with him at all and he's really been making me unhappy for some time. I know that you can't fit people into your box and make them what you want them to be - I know that - but I just feel like one of the basic things in a relationship is being able to talk about things with your partner. And it hurts that I am not able to do so. Because in all honesty, I love him, I love him more than anything but I think the time has come where I just need to love myself more and let go.

    I don't want it to end, of course I don't, but I'm just coming to the realisation that if I truly want to be happy, it has to be without this person. I never thought I'd say it, I really didn't because there was a time that I felt like I was falling in love with my best friend. There was a time I felt like I could never see my life without him. I don't want to hurt him, I love him. But I just don't feel valued as an equal in this relationship anymore and its taking some time to come to terms with and its killing me. I know there is bigger things to worry about in the world and you can throw around all the advice of love yourself more and don't be afraid to be alone. But lets be honest, it is a little easier said than done... I think the thing I'm dreading the most is waking up in the morning feeling sick and not being able to sleep at night wondering what if. And I know that I shouldn't. I know that the realistic thing to do would be to keep myself busy and do the things that I love. But its just hard to start with, and that's normal, right? I'm typing this with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart, but I'm trying so hard not to let the tears fall, but maybe I should. Maybe I should embrace how I feel. But I'm just terrified to feel. I'm terrified that I will feel this way forever. I'm scared to see him with someone else when I've tried so hard to make him happy. I just want to run away from everything, and I know that I shouldn't. I know that is wrong. But is there even a right way to feel in this situation?!

    How do you let go? How do you let go so completely that their actions no longer bother you? What mindset do you have to stay in? How do you stop yourself from falling apart?

  7. #36
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    You make the choice to let go even though it's not easy. You make the choice not to fall apart. You find ways to cope -whether it's self-talk, drinking a lot of water, talking to a friend but not about yourself, cardio exercise, volunteer work. You can't control how you feel, just how you react to how you feel. I couldn't let go today of feeling stressed and triggered and I didn't try. What I did do was take actions -including preventative actions -so that when I felt stressed or triggered I didn't act in a harmful way to myself or others. For example.

    Another example -now that we're in quarrantine I can no longer use the treadmill I love because it's in a workout room in our building that is now closed. So I have to motivate myself instead to go outside every single morning around dawn -which is when I have time to do this -to workout /exercise/power walk. It's really hard some mornings -I am tired, and/or sore/and/or the weather isn't great. I don't "try" to get in any particular mindset. I don't "try" to feel a certain way. But I act. I put one foot in front of the other and I self talk A LOT. I tell myself I am fighting to stay healthy, to feel good, to feel awesome afterwards when I shower and finally have coffee. I refocus on things that will distract me - my radio station, the trees, the other joggers/exercisers out there also fighting for something to do that's normal, healthy, not all this negativity because of this awful pall of this virus.
    I hope these examples helped. Good luck.

  8. #37
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    Some men just want to watch the world burn...

    I feel like its been somewhat forever. But in all honesty, it hasn't really been that long at all. I got to a good place, an amazing place actually. I was finally happy. I knew what I wanted to do career wise. I had a whole plan set out of how I was going to get there. It was the best feeling in the world to feel like I finally had my life sorted - It was about time. To plan out over the next five years how I would get there, even planning down to the simple things like who I would work for along the way. I had hopes to publish my first book. I was finally excited. Relief at last. But now I've been sat here for what seems like forever staring at a blank screen. Still facing the regular problem of not knowing how to put into words how I truly feel.

    Its a strange thing, the human mind. We can programme it to do wonderful things, or to completely destroy ourselves. We're always one decision away from a completely different life. The thought can be daunting, but it can also feel inspiring. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. I've learned so much about the world recently, and I intend to continue doing so. To just learn as much about as many things as I can. To fill what sometimes feels like a void. I know that what and who we allow into our lives is predominantly self inflicted, but sometimes things just seem to happen by chance. That person that you weren't exactly looking for just shows up out of nowhere. I've learned now that not everyone who comes into your life is meant to stay. Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us a lesson. But, that isn't a bad thing. Life is for lessons. Its to become the best version of yourself. I recently read a book called Jonathan Livingston Seagull. It teaches us that it's okay to break away from the normal. Its okay to better yourself even if it becomes a solo mission. It's okay to be different. It taught me that sometimes in order to achieve greatness, you must first remove the people who do not wish you to achieve greatness. Sometimes you have to leave the flock behind. Sometimes you have to pass through different lives alone. And if you're lucky enough, you might just meet likeminded individuals along the way.



    "Don't believe what your eyes are telling you.
    All they show is limitation.
    Look with your understanding.
    Find out what you already know and you will see the way to fly."

    ~Richard Bach

  9. #38
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    I read Jonathan Livingston Seagull about 40 years ago for school -brings back memories!Sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking about how you go about facing change and making decisions! I think any writers get writers block -I know I did way back when. Our creative writing professor suggested a hot bath lol. No screen back then- was about five years prior to having a computer. I had a typewriter but most often wrote longhand. I still think better when I write on paper. And edit on paper.

  10. #39
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    Exotic, your thread has opened my eyes to a lot of things. I want to share with you how much of an impact threads like yours are having on souls like mine. I hope you find comfort and happiness in this.

    We live a world apart, and have had different experiences, yet I can relate whole heartedly in what you have been through/are going through. I'm sitting in the cold of an Australian winter morning, hearing the world around me come to life. Yet, I feel so alone, so empty. We are young and have our whole lives ahead of us (I'm 25) yet sitting where I am, I feel like my life is over.

    I am recovering from heart break. The worst I have been through and hopefully will ever go through. The days are long, the nights are restless. Picking up the pieces of myself and fumbling to put them back together. Ive realised a lot in this process. I don't cope well with being alone. I don't have many friends. I repeat the same mistakes when looking for partners. Right now, as much as I just want someone to fill the void inside of me, it's not healthy for me to do so. I need to take this time to find myself again. To love myself. To fill that void with my own love. In doing so I hope that I will become comfortable just being alone, being me.

    As you, I have always put others before myself. Loved strongly and fiercely, believed that if I can love someone enough they will love me in return. The truth is? Love isnt enough. We can love someone unconditionally, give them our entire world, but even then if they don't reciprocate or aren't compatible with us it will lead to the end of a relationship.

    I've learnt that there is no one person for us. That love doesn't conquer all. That time never moves faster when we feel we need it to. That the only person I can truely rely on is myself. That words and promises don't mean anything to many people, even if they meant it at the time.
    People aren't perfect, and thats okay. Life is a rollercoaster ride, so up and down, twisty and turny. All we can do is persist, hang on and prepare for the turns, knowing that the flat straights will come and we will be okay.

    I'm sorry for the rant. I hope you are well, and that my ranting has comforted you in some way. Life's a crazy journey, but it's our journey. We are the writers and we have the power to make the change.

  11. #40
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    To the individuals who inspire me, with love...

    Batya,
    I honestly would like to thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes to viewing the world from a different perspective. With each of your replies I managed to see a bit more beauty within the world. You gave me hope that not all was bad. You made me realise that I viewed the world so negatively and that I held a lot of anger towards things that I could not control. You helped me to let go and realise that actually the world is what we make. That we can choose to see everything badly, or we can take the world for what it is and make something beautiful for ourselves. You helped me to see the beauty in the little things and for that I am so very grateful!! I think I will most definitely give the hot bath a try -I never really understood writers block until I was sat staring at my laptop screen for about an hour with no idea what I should write at all. And also like yourself, I love to write down on paper. I find it so much more satisfying than typing my thoughts and feelings.

    Alice,
    I truly cannot thank you enough, your reply has comforted me. It allowed me to see that I do relate to others. It showed me that other people think the same way. But most importantly I was so happy that you had found some comfort within my thread. You are absolutely right in realising that your self love is more important than filling the void with someone else just to temporarily stop the pain. I know the feeling. I think sometimes its so easy to find someone else just so you don't have to face yourself. Just so you don't have to feel as if you are facing the world alone. But one thing I have learned is just how important self love is. That actually to be truly happy it all starts within yourself. The saying "How do you expect someone to love you when you don't love yourself" always had me feeling so conflicted. I would always think that surely someone should love you the way you are and help you love yourself. But actually, falling completely and utterly in love with yourself is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Being single is the time to find yourself. Its the time to do all of the things you want to and visit the places you've always dreamed of. Its staying up late to watch that movie and having lazy days. Its going out to meet friends and not feeling as if you have to answer to anyone. Heartbreak sucks, there is no denying that. And you constantly sit and wonder if they are thinking of you or what they are doing or who they are with. But in all honesty, you deserve the absolute universe. You deserve to wake up every morning happy. You deserve to sit in absolute peace at night and gaze at the stars.

    I completely resonate with you in realising that love is not enough and I have only just realised that recently. And that also, words and promises really don't mean much to some. I think this is where you have to find the strength to come to terms with the fact that not everyone has the same heart as you. Your whole post really has inspired me and I really truly hope that you continue to find comfort within this thread and also within yourself. Because you will always, always be okay. My favourite thing to say is that the rain never truly lasts forever. Don't get me wrong, it often feels like monsoon season, but the rain will always pass. Nothing can hurt forever. I know it is so easier said than done, but find beauty in the little things. The person smiling like an idiot at their phone, the way the rain falls and how it smells, the beauty and silence of the night sky. You have a beautiful soul. Take the time to truly fall in love with yourself, and eventually when you do, it will set you free...

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