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Thread: When it gets dark, look for the stars...

  1. #21
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    Heartbreak, it starts slow at first and then hits all at once...

    You know the feeling right? When you see or hear something that absolutely shatters your heart and you can literally feel it break into a thousand pieces? If you haven't felt it, I honestly pray you never do. I feel sick to my stomach. Love? ha, that obviously means nothing to most people nowadays. How could you just give up on someone when you say you "love" them? How could you give up so easy? These life lessons are tearing my heart out. I know they always happen for a reason but this hurts. This is the kind of hurt that takes your breath away and takes a while to kick in. It doesn't hit straight away, but when it does, nothing feels worse. You just find yourself staring into space, the silence just gets uncomfortably loud. And you aren't 100% sure if you're going to throw up or cry your heart out first. I've been through stuff before, but this is absolute agony, it tops it all... Please, please just save me from myself.

  2. #22
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    Don't be afraid...

    I hate this, I hate not feeling good enough. Why does this always happen, every single time. Iím so so sick of not being good enough. This isnít love, not on his part. I get it, he really doesnít care does he. No guy that actually loves you lets you feel this way. Maybe its time to take a step back. I just want someone to fight for me, just once. Thatís it. Just one time. I want him to fight for me, but I guess everything happens for a reason doesnít it. And I guess you just have to let the universe guide you sometimes. I hate this part. I hate the hurt. Why canít he see Iím so completely in love with him. Why canít he see Iím willing to give him the absolute world. But I guess you canít make someone love you. You canít make people feel things for you. If he can let you go to sleep upset, I guess he just isnít the one. That absolutely kills me to say, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. But the truth hurts. Its so much easier to lie to yourself. To tell yourself they care just so you donít spend weeks feeling sick and making excuses for them. The truth is, donít make excuses for anyone. No one has a gun to their head. They act on their own behalf. So honestly if someone treats you like crap, donít give them an excuse. The way people treat you is a reflection of how they feel. That hurts, it hurts a lot to accept it, but hurting yourself with the truth now makes the hurt easier in the long run. Trust me, Iíve been there time and time before. I feel so ill, I canít deny that. I feel like Iím about to throw up in all honesty. But weíre allowed to feel. So throw up, cry your eyes out and completely let yourself fall apart if you must. I have to be honest, itís so easy to sit here behind a laptop screen and throw out advice to the world, but in all honesty, Iím terrified to cry. Iím terrified to let myself feel. Because that one person whoís your biggest weakness could tear you apart in a matter of seconds. But if they canít even call you or tell you they want you and that everything is okay or that they love you and donít want to let you go to sleep upset, if they canít do that, it isnít love. Believe me. This is absolutely tearing me apart, just accepting he literally doesnít want me. The hardest part is knowing he promised heíd never hurt me. Never believe anyone who says that. Ever. Life isnít a fairy tale. It isnít Prince Charming on a white horse galloping to your rescue to tell you everything is going to be alright. It isnít like a movie. Its hard and it hurts sometimes, thatís just the reality of it. But the way you deal with it affects everything. Just donít lie to yourself. Donít sugar coat a situation just for your temporary comfort. The best remedy is to be honest with yourself. Its to see the facts and not give anyone an excuse for their crap behaviour. Once you learn to admit the truth to yourself, eventually youíll be free. Donít be afraid.
    Last edited by ExoticDance; 11-14-2018 at 08:52 PM.

  3. #23
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    How can you possibly save yourself from yourself..?

    The silence is so loud in my head, it's like a thousand waves crashing all at once. But on the outside, I do nothing but stare blankly. Why are we, as humans, so renowned for chasing this pain? For throwing away our own feelings for the sake of a situation?! Stupidity mainly I guess... There's no other possible way to describe myself than just a complete mess. I can't do this.

  4. #24
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    Hey ExoticDance. I'm new to this forum and I'm not sure if it's alright to post in your journal, but just wanted to let you know that I read it. It resonated with me and was a beautiful geyser of feelings. Recently I feel as if I'm cut off from every one's emotions. I really want to feel them but they show me only poker faces or shallow feelings, which seriously is not enough to feed my need for feeling others. I have antlers, I walk on the streets longing for seeing pure and strong emotions. But they show me nothing. That's why I registered and found your journal. I really liked your post about being "high as a kite" and feeling maddeningly good... reminded me of some old feelings that I really cherish. Wishing you the best.

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  6. #25
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    Hi Frazen!!!

    I'm ever so sorry I have only just seen your comment, I've been soooooo busy!!! I completely understand where you are coming from, some days it feels like you're a completely different species to anyone else. That you think and see the world differently to others, its refreshing but sometimes suffocating when you have no one to relate to. (Its taken me half an hour to type this, I saw a video of an emu playing fetch -best thing I've ever seen and I strongly recommend a watch- I am normal I promise!!) I'm so glad you enjoyed that post, I was convinced for a while that I was talking to a brick wall so I was sooo glad to see you had commented, it means a lot so thank you!!! I hope you are well!xx

  7. #26
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    Tell me, are you a lone wolf...?

    This is going to sound insanely crazy, but do you ever feel like you can just switch off certain feelings? Certain habits? Like you can change the whole way you act in a matter of seconds? Iíve always been this way, ever since a child, ever since I can remember. I have no idea if this is normal., or if its some deep psychological issue. But it just helps. Its mainly beneficial and never used in a malicious way. Although I believe it to be a very powerful and indestructible trait if you were to use it in a badly intended way. But now, now everything is easier. Iím renowned for over thinking pretty much every situation, even to the extent of going to the doctors. But if I just focus, I can instantly stop it. Iíll be the first to admit I really am my own worst enemy. Sometimes it does get a little unbearable. Thereís sometimes nothing worse than being victim to your own head and your own thoughts, it can destroy everything if you donít stop it soon enough. Iíve always been the girl who my friends question how I deal with things. Or how I get over stuff so easily. But that isnít necessarily the case. I only show them what I want them to see- mild pain and suffering before this grand recovery like nothing ever happened. But the real pain happens inside my head, the main painstaking torture is kept all to myself. But I find that easier. Iíve always believed that sometimes we need to keep a situation to ourselves. Weíre often so easily influenced by the opinions of others that sometimes we make decisions that are strongly swayed by the Ďadviceí of those we confide in. Sometimes its better to keep it in your own head and deal with it and then that way itís a decision based upon yourself, and its usually the right decision. No one knows you better than you know yourself. You hold every answer inside yourself, but sometimes its so easy to find comfort in the input of a close friend or relative. I have no idea where I was going with this, but often I have the urge to just type out how I feel. Things are easier when youíre with your own thoughts.

  8. #27
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    The silence is way too loud for a desperate heart.

    It's been what seems like forever since I last posted on here. But if I'm completely honest I have no idea how I feel lately. I feel so lost, like I'm stuck in some dead end. My heart is tired. I'm sick of people involving themselves in my relationship. I'm sick of feeling like I should have some sort of competition. But most of all, I miss me. I miss who I was. I miss not caring about stupid stuff. I miss knowing that no matter what I'm fine. I miss knowing that a bad day could never really be a bad day. More and more I just find myself searching for the stars in the dark. But I just can't seem to find them. My heart feels heavy- lost. I'm really struggling to even know what to say, usually I can ramble for ages. But not now. My mind is silent, but honestly the silence seems to get louder and louder.

  9. #28
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    A socially conditioned society

    I donít know how I feel, nothing has really changed. I just know Iíve massively lost motivation for most things lately. Including university. Which isnít exactly good at all. But I really canít help it. Iíve just recently taken on a normal job, which no longer means Iím a dancer. Iím finding adapting a little hard just recently, I think I just mainly miss the freedom of being self employed and doing whatever I wanted in a day, whenever I wanted to do it. So this normal life is proving to be a little bit of a challenge recently. But I needed routine, I needed change and security. So it came in handy I guess, but sitting in an office for nine hours a day, 7 days a week is quite close to driving me clinically insane. I shouldnít sound so ungrateful though, I know how hard it is to find a job nowadays, so I guess I am lucky I do have an income.
    I donít really know where Iím going with this, I just felt like I needed to get out a little what I was feeling, even if it was just all random nonsense. Iím not really sure on much lately, I seem very indecisive. Its hard to deal with in my own head. But then its equally hard to just emotionally switch myself off from it like I usually manage quite well. I guess in a nutshell Iím just kinda sick of this world. Iím sick of people being ugly to each other. Iím sick of this common day society, this image of how we should all be. And the sick thing is that everyone follows it. Its all so conditioned. I wasnít meant for these times. I donít follow these ridiculous trends, I think the Kardashianís are vain idiots. Like thereís real problems in this world, ice caps are melting, thereís war out in Syria, the UK economy is falling apart, but people are more focused on the fact Kourtney Kardashian got cheated on for the thousandth time. Theyíre just normal people and it irritates me that these young girls envy them so much that they know no limits to become exactly like them. Itís ridiculous. Honestly, I canít emphasise enough that society is well and truly ruined. People are more bothered about likes on social media than they are their partners. People who would rather take a photo of themselves holding the hand of a person on their deathbed just to upload it and attention seek for likes, itís disgusting and disrespectful. I want to get off this world, whenís the next stop?

  10. #29
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    "Believe me when I say it took alot of love for me to hate him the way I do..."

    "Maybe we'll meet again, when we are slightly older and our minds are less hectic,
    and I'll be right for you and you'll be right for me.
    But right now, I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart..."

  11. #30
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    Once more into the fray...

    It's just me and the stars tonight... A beautiful silence and the eternal darkness of the night. My heart is calm. It feels like home...

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