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Thread: When it gets dark, look for the stars...

  1. #11
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    How are you doing, Dance? I really like your Journal title. Are you looking for the stars right now?

  2. #12
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    Thank you! And I'm much better now thank you so much for asking❤

  3. #13
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    How to be single...

    So something clicked tonight, something that I've been needing for a long while. I watched "How To Be Single" and I know life isn't like a movie but hear me out! If you're recently struggling through a break up this is the best advice I can give you- watch How To Be Single. Yep, put away those tear stained tissues, switch off bloody Bridget Jones' Diary, put down the chocolate and just watch it. Actually probably keep the chocolate.

    Honestly I've never ever felt clearer... Something has changed. For once I genuinely am not obsessing over the thought of love or relationships. I'm ready to spend time on me. To have time to myself and do whatever the hell I want. There is absolutely no greater thing than having freedom to do whatever you want. I don't care if I have to watch that movie every night, I will do this❤

    I found the stars❤

  4. #14
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    Late nights and liars...

    Why do people lie? Why do they feel the need to glorify themselves into a fake perfect image? I can't stand liars. This world proves to me over and over again every single day that you really can't trust anyone. It hurts to be lied to.. But the one thing that absolutely rips you apart is being lied to by the only person you've ever trusted in your whole entire life. Because eventually, even they show you that you shouldn't have trusted them.

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  6. #15
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    Why do we sentence ourselves to tragedy?

    There's hurt, and then there's this.. The agonising, breath taking, slow suffering commonly known as heart break... But I guess if things didn't hurt we wouldn't be human. In all honesty I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I miss who I was, I miss how I felt. I miss how just a bad day was breaking a nail. I miss how waking up feeling sick would be gone within a few minutes. But now it never is... Now it drags on, the thought of my now messed up life. My head doesn't stop, the pain is constant. And the whole time you try endlessly to convince yourself you're happy. But I'm not, atleast not anymore. It used to be so perfect, everything used to be so sunny and happy, a bad day was never really a bad day. It was amazing. Now though, a good day is never really a good day, and they all just seem to roll into one. An endless torture. I have no idea who I am now, but all I know is that once that hole is punched in your chest, it doesn't leave. I miss being happy, I miss not having to be scared of simple things. My head and heart are troubled, I just fear beyond repair. Help me. Before I lose myself forever.

  7. #16
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    A whole tub of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Brownie ice cream on the way from dominos accompanied by 7 chicken wings and I still feel no better. It's been 32 minutes and the pleasant telephone lady said it would be here in 30. But that's not the point. No matter how much I drowned myself in a chicken wing and ice cream induced coma, my problems never fade. Which makes watching High School Musical feel very relevant! I have no idea how I feel anymore. My head is a mess. All I know is... I'm not good anymore. I'm not who I was, I have no idea who that person is anymore. I'm not sure of much nowadays, I don't know what or who to believe. I know that no one is to be trusted. I've come to learn relationships are just messy and people's feelings get hurt. I just need to Get My Head In The Game- aha get it?... Save me - But seriously, a year ago I was so happy. A year ago I knew who I was and I was so sure of myself. Everything has changed and now I'm not happy, I haven't been for a while.. The only thing I wonder now is what if I feel this way forever?

  8. #17
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    So here's the thing, I know this is utterly crazy, but I'm starting to cave in when it comes to my ex. I feel so sick. We'd been NC for over a month and last weekend was his birthday and I couldn't stop thinking about him and so I messaged, we had an argument and then I blocked him and he came round and we had another argument. I've blocked him since then. And I know I no longer have a right to know these things but I still wonder what he's doing constantly. And I can't comment given some of the things I've been up to but I'm really struggling. I feel so sick. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want it to hurt. I can't deal with it all over again. I try to distract myself with talking to other people but when it comes to intimacy I get put off, I don't even want another man to be near me let alone touch me after this. I was fine up until his birthday. And now I'm just a mess. I'm struggling to sleep, I don't want to eat, I've had an upset stomach, I feel sick and my head constantly pounds. But it's nothing compared to the constant ache in my heart. I know I sound completely crazy given what happened in that relationship with the control and paranoia and just how ugly it all got, but we still were in each others lives for a long while. I'm just finding it hard to let go. It's suffocating. I constantly think I want him back and then I take a moment to think that actually if we were together again I'd be stressed constantly because I don't trust him, I wouldn't be able to do half the stuff I do now, I'd be back to being so miserable. I know this can't last forever and I know it will pass, but I just wish it happened faster. I just don't know what to do anymore...

  9. #18
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    Teach me to love the world, and teach me to love it forever...

    So its been a while. A very long, painful, stressful while. But an even more beautiful recovery... I have no idea where to start if I'm honest. It seems like forever ago. I'm not ashamed to admit I was a fool before, that I'd made some stupid, questionable mistakes. But doesn't everyone? It seemed endless, like there was no recovery, no way out. That I'd be stuck in this messy, controlling and manipulative relationship for the rest of my life. That's a scary thought.


    It's taken a long time to get my head in a good place, a very long time. And undeniably even now I have bad days. But I'm getting there, and I will get there. I'm determined, this will never beat me. Looking back, I have no idea how I stayed for so long. But I know in that moment I was absolutely terrified. In that moment I was scared of my own shadow. But not now, its all so much different now.

    It was rough to start with, it was hard sitting wondering what he was up to and who he was with. It was difficult to picture him with someone else and to constantly wonder if he'd treat her different to how he'd treated me. To wonder if there was a reason as to why he treated me the way he did. But then I realised that he was just like that as a person, that he'd never change. That I'd never be able to be happy with a person who couldn't even let me be myself for five seconds without going absolutely crazy at me. I knew it had to come to an end, I knew if I wanted to be happy it had to be without him. I knew I'd rather take my life than spend it the way I was. And I know that sounds dark, but the reality was far from rainbows and sunshine. The hardest part was accepting in my own head that I'd wasted so much time of my life being with this person, but I guess it wasn't a total waste, it taught me valuable life lessons. It wasn't easy, but I guess I needed it in some weird way.

    I went on a date, trying to meet someone new, it seemed like the best idea at the time. He turned out to be a jerk, but I was still okay. I slept with an ex, to distract me once again. That helped for a while. If you have read my previous posts in other threads you'd see I did have a moment of contacting the controlling ex, seeing him and then arguing. And hearing him banging on the gate calling me every name under the sun and blaming me for breaking his key, that he threw, was the final closure I needed. The final thing that made me realise just what a terrible person was. I stayed stood against the wall for a while, silently listening for the sound of his car to fade. And when it did I poured my heart out. I cried for hours. I needed it. I needed to hurt in order to realise I deserved so much better than what I was receiving. That he was never, nor will ever, be good for me. That was it as far as contact went. The days that followed were difficult. Staying in bed seemed so much easier than facing the world. But then I realised I was free, I was free to do whatever I wanted. This wasn't exactly an amazing thing on some terms.

    I slept around a bit. Quite a lot. I didn't want anything involving feelings, but I didn't want to be alone. Commitment scared me, I had a pretty valid reason. It worked, it showed me to not get attached to every person I got involved with. It taught me what I want, as crazy as that sounds. It seemed so much easier, to just sleep with a guy and never have to contact him again. It was freedom. I'd been so caged for so long. I met a guy I liked, like really really liked. He made me feel better, I related to him on a lot of levels. He just got me, he was understanding and so caring. He was honest and wanted me for me. He had bipolar... it didn't last long before we fell out. I was begging for forgiveness, he was ignoring me. I felt like a fool. We made up, but it wasn't the same after. We had a massive argument at the end of July, he blocked me on everything, no matter how many times I text, I was ignored. I was devastated, I'd opened up to this person after being so distant and emotionally unavailable to everyone else. I missed him a lot. I didn't want to talk to anyone else. I didn't want to be around anyone. I held onto the thought he'd message again one day.


    Then it took a different turn. I met a FWB, we got on, we enjoyed each others company, but there were no feelings. And that worked for us. It was what made us happy. I liked being around him, I stopped sleeping with other guys, he was a good friend. He met a girl he wanted to settle down with, and I was really happy for him. He was a great guy, he deserved to meet someone he wanted to spend his life with. We agreed to still stay friends. But then a month after I found I was pregnant (as mentioned in another thread). That was hard, it was hard knowing it wasn't the right situation for me. That I had life plans and things I had to commit to before I even thought about kids. I decided to tell him, it was the scariest thing I've ever done. I was scared he'd end that call and leave me to deal with it on my own. I was terrified. He was incredibly supportive, said that he would come with me to the appointment for the termination. I knew it was the right thing to do, the sensible thing. I am in no way financially stable to offer a comfortable life for a child. It would have been selfish of me to bring a child into the world. Anyway, it came to the appointment, he'd completely distanced himself, I didn't hear from him, he ignored my messages. I was hurt. I was hurt because I thought friends were supposed to be there, that this was as much his problem as it was mine. The thing that hurt more was that it was his best friend there for me rather than him himself, he didn't want to know. I was pregnant with twins. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I thought I was fine, until he so cowardly messaged the next day asking how it went and then so feebly apologising. I knew that was it, I knew then that I didn't want this person in my life even as a friend. That if you couldn't even be there for an hour to support me in something that is quite possibly the hardest decision you could ever face, then I didn't want him anywhere near me again. I didn't reply to his apology. I knew it would hurt me more if I did.

    The days following were difficult, and now three weeks after the termination, I'm feeling a lot better in myself. My head feels clearer. But there's now one issue, the bipolar guy I mentioned not far up messaged me today asking if we could talk. There's nothing to talk about. I tried so hard to be there for him. I argued effortlessly trying to make him see that I was there for him, that I wouldn't give up on him no matter what he said. That I understood his struggles, that life wasn't always rosy and that I'd be there for him on dark days to help him through. That he shouldn't be afraid to let me in. I tried so hard, but he'd blocked me anyway. But to then unblock me today and act like nothing happened? It stopped me in my tracks a little. I'd waited for this day to come for ages. And when it finally did, I felt so sick. I wanted to just shut off. I've been troubling myself all day, and I know I shouldn't. I guess I just want answers, I want to know why he messaged again after all this time. I didn't go to see him, I couldn't handle it. Not after everything I've been through the past few weeks, I couldn't deal with more hurt.

    I feel okay now, in this moment, I'm fine. I've pushed him out of my mind, as hard as it is. But the unspoken words still lie, the unanswered questions. But I know now, I know my peace of mind is more important. That I need to put myself first in this situation and continue to look after my own well being. Its been such a long process, none of it has been easy. But that's life I guess, its not always roses, but it sure is beautiful. The freedom, accepting the happiness of being single. Accepting that you don't need a man/woman in your life to make you feel better. That's self happiness. That's independence. Looking back at how far you've come and seeing how strong you are now. That's something. That being happy, really genuinely being happy, really does start with yourself. The ride was hard as hell, but the recovery, the comeback, its the best thing in the world...

  10. #19
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    Happiness starts with you, Mr Perfect is just an enhancement...

    He's something close to perfect. He's funny, relatable, challenges me, stimulates my mind and genuinely makes me happy. I'm going to be totally honest, since the abortion I didn't want to get close to any guy. I didn't want anything to do with any guy at all. I knew it was time to spend some time on my own. That the hurt that came with letting someone in just wasn't worth it... But this guy... just wow. I wasn't even looking for it, that's what makes it so different. It just feels right, so real and easy. I've never ever met anyone like him, he's honestly incredible. He genuinely just gets me. Nothing feels like a rush. It genuinely feels like I've known him forever. Even though realistically I've only known him two months. Before I just was so standoffish with him. But now, I'm glad I've given him a chance. It genuinely feels like falling for my best friend. I've never felt like this about anyone. Not in this way. Guys before made me feel like it was a rush, and I had to put on a front. He makes me feel so comfortable already.

    I never wanted to feel this way about someone for a long while. But with him, it seems so easy. I trust him. Like fully trust him. And that's a huge thing for me. I know its still early days yet, but this time I'm just not worried. I feel confident about this one. Really confident. I just remember simple things in the day and catch myself smiling like an absolute idiot. I pray this does work out, because it would hurt so bad if it didn't. I've had enough of half arsed "situationships". Of fake effort and empty promises. This, this right now is perfect.

    Forget every guy before, the bi polar guy, the many exs, the FWB, forget them all. Right now I see why they never worked out.

  11. #20
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    High on caffiene and knee deep in Uni and books about murderers- woo!

    Its safe to say I received a strange look as I approached the checkout of Waterstones with four books specifically about Psychopaths and Notorious Serial Killers and then proceeded to ask if my copy of The Lucifer Effect had arrived -I'm not crazy- Promise! But I am however on my fourth iced coffee and I feel as high as a kite on just four hours sleep, so you could say I'm pretty much close to 'insanity'. But life is good, I'm happy, I'm finally getting my life in check and educating myself. In fact, that's an understatement, I really couldn't be happier right now. Who could have known life could get so much better?! Its the best thing in the whole entire world and I'm loving every second. This is happiness, its sitting in a cute little coffee shop, watching the world go by. It finally feels like freedom. It finally feels like me...

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