This time I'm really considering going through with it

I have been battling with depression for 12 years. In 2010 I got diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder with severe anxiety and panic attacks. and was taking medication I have been to psych wards 2-3 times. Had so many hospital stays that I lost count. Once a month I loose control of my temper 2-3 times and lash out on myself rather than someone else. Everytime, I get up in the morning I don't look forward to anything. I feel like I'm a failure to myself and my family. I'm sick of doctors, medecine, in/out if hospitals and psych ward not knowing what the hell is wrong with me.

Last time it got out of control was back in 2006 where I literally trashed my apartment at the time I was married. Broke every dishes, turned the couch upside down, turned the mattress upside down and went completely crazy. Clothes were all over the place after that got into the shower with my clothes on wanting to kill myself and now I'm afraid i will be headed down that road pretty soon again.

My family thinks I'm completely normal and don't need medicine. I just can't do it anymore. I dont want to go on like this anymore. Screw therapy, screw medecine screw everything I am done. I'm done. I've done my dues in my childhood, in my teen years, in my adulthood I'm checking out. And it's matter of timeing with me when that will be in don't know pretty soon hopefully. Im better off dead rather than spend the rest of my life miserable. I've already left a voice message on my phone for my family when I'm dead they can hear and left instructions as to not to have a funeral for me and just cremate me and scatter

My ashes somewhere.

So step 1 is already taken care off. I told myself many times I will do it I will and never gone through with it this time I will. And in time they will be fine.

Going off bipolar meds is never a good idea.

My family thinks I'm completely normal and don't need medicine. I dont want to go on like this anymore. Screw therapy, screw medecine screw everything

Meds or no Meds Wiseman. I don't want to continue like. I really dont. I don't want to spend the rest of my pathetic life miserable anymore. My mind is already made up.

Your family and friends won't be fine without you. You do matter.

Please consider contacting your doctor about your medication. Wiseman has an excellent point.

It does get better. Don't quit. The world is NOT better off without you in it.

Courage.

Yes they will be fine. I don't have any friends. I'm sure of it and know for a fact they don't want to see my suffer more than I'm already am. If they want to see my happy they'll eventually come to terms with it. I don't have a doctor I can't find one. My mind is made up I'm done. I'm literally done. Nobody cares if I'm dead anyways. Sure much family will be sad but they will get over it in time I'm sure of it. My mind is already made up. I want the pain to end.

Was the tipping point the recent breakup? That can send anyone into a tailspin. But there is help and it will get better. You sound hurt and angry. Is it your folks?

If you feel really off go to an ER or call a suicide hotline for immediate help. prevention lifeline.org[/url]

I don't have a doctor I can't find one.

and now I'm afraid i will be headed down that road pretty soon again.

The pain will end when you are on the right meds and seeing a professional regularly to monitor your moods and meds. Please consider calling a Suicide Hotline to supplement your postings here. You will get professional help and guidance that way.

Don't give in to this, fight it. Be the winner that you are.

You sound like you are just completely exhausted by your struggles and no one can fault you for being overwhelmed. There are other ways to end your pain than to end your life. Your life is valuable. You are valuable! Don't stop fighting for you.

You don't know what is just around the corner. New friends, new connections, new passions. You are worth working for and on. You deserve to be happy! Don't, never, ever give up!

Please consider Wiseman's advice. Try that phone call to a crisis number. They're there because people like you are absolutely worth saving!

No, it has nothing to do with the break-up. The constant struggle is what's getting to me for the past 12 years and I can never get better. Its like I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. Every time I try just as I am thinking I am doing okay I find myself back to square 1. Partially some of it is because my folks but when it comes down to my mental health state of mind there like were tired of you putting us through this. So basically I don't have that extra support I need as far as family support. There like get your act together your 36 years old. So basically I'm alone in this. I don't know how to know handle it. I don't want to go to the ER. And if I call the Suicide prevention there just gonna send an ambulance or police over to escort me to the hospital. I don't need that right and sure hell don't want to put them through that either. !

Was the tipping point the recent breakup? That can send anyone into a tailspin. But there is help and it will get better. You sound hurt and angry. Is it your folks?

 

If you feel really off go to an ER or call a suicide hotline for immediate help. prevention lifeline.org[/url]

I live in Houston TX. And 1 hospital I know is called Memorial Hospital and I do not have a good record with that hospital because of the debt I am under with them. The other hospital I know is called oakbend hospital and that hospital is limited to the doctors they have meaning they don't have a psychiatrist doctor there to go over my meds. I already have an appointment with the therapist on the 12th. Its the matter of getting my medication straight or which clinic or hospital to go too. I'm all over the place right now. And not having that backup support has made it harder of having to go through this on my own.

This is the time when you should get yourself to your psychiatrist or to the emergency department of your local hospital and voluntarily get yourself into at least 24 hour protection so that you can get your meds straightened out and your emotions settled down.

 

The pain will end when you are on the right meds and seeing a professional regularly to monitor your moods and meds. Please consider calling a Suicide Hotline to supplement your postings here. You will get professional help and guidance that way.

 

Don't give in to this, fight it. Be the winner that you are.

 

]

Yes, I am exhausted because its been going on for 12 years. What life ! I don't think my life is valuable. I don't feel valuable. If I did I wouldn't be the person I am now. I hate myself for that. I just want to feel normal. And I don't have that normality anymore. Not for the past 12 years. I don't know how it feels like to be normal anymore. I don't even get along with people. Peoples happiness is my misery !

You sound like you are just completely exhausted by your struggles and no one can fault you for being overwhelmed. There are other ways to end your pain than to end your life. Your life is valuable. You are valuable! Don't stop fighting for you.

 

You don't know what is just around the corner. New friends, new connections, new passions. You are worth working for and on. You deserve to be happy! Don't, never, ever give up!

 

Please consider Wiseman's advice. Try that phone call to a crisis number. They're there because people like you are absolutely worth saving!

You mentioned 12 years. You were alright 13 years ago? Did something trigger this depression?

Dias: I had a happy childhood throughout my teens. I had rocky relationships here and there but not to an extent where i would be this depressed. I didn't date much at that time I had 3 long-term relationships. One of the relationship I had for 4 years didn't end well after 4 years when I got engaged around 2004 to someone else. Before all this happened 1998 which is hard for me to talk about back home while visiting family one of my male cousin started groping me and touching me. And that stayed with me up until now. And I didn't think much of it at that time.

He's married now and has a kid of his own and wouldn't matter if I said anything now anyways they'll just deny it. Everytime that family comes up i literally feel sick to my stomach. Anyhow after that I got into a relationship with someone that we were suppose to get married after being together for 4 years my mom started noticing he's emotionally abusing me so my family approved of him first later on they said no.

So I had the courage to break up with him moved onto someone else hoping that to get married and have a family of my own. After 2 months of dating we got engaged and I was still talking to my ex I had a hard time letting go. Yes, I told my boyfriend at that time which was my fiance.

My ex at that time was in/out if my life for months at a time till May of 2005 when I got married. After the wedding 6 days later I found myself falling into depression that's how it all began. The emotional abuse was getting to much for me and kicked him out of my life 2 weeks after and if you go through out all my threads on here you'll read the hell I've been through and back.

My ex's emotional abuse took a toll on my life and I was abusing my new husband mentally. And I will never forgive myself for hurting and destroying his life. Because he didn't deserve it. And I live with this guilt every single day.

That's how it all started. My depression, in 2010 got diagnosed with Bipolar 1 been on so many wrong medications by doctors that don't know what the hell there doing. Which p..... me off more than ever. I'm sick of dealing with to many doctors and wrong medication. So to sum it up i was normal at one point in my life. And till this day im putting up with it ans i dont want to anymore. I wanted to so many times destroy my cousins and my exs life really did and now I'm paying the consequences for 2 idiots and one of them destroyed my marriage other than that I would still had been married and working out my marriage and would had have 2 children by now.

Honey. My dad is very severely bipolar 1 and has been all his life. I KNOW how much I would suffer if he died that way. I can absolutely guarantee you your family and friends would miss you and suffer immensely.

Seraphim: So how are you and your family dealing with your father's condition ? The problem is my family does NOT believe in mental disorder. They can't relate because they don't have it. If they see with their own eyes that it does exist maybe just maybe they'll change their perspective. Maybe, they'll believe it once they see when I'm not there anymore.

Maybe, they'll believe it once they see when I'm not there anymore.

Why not concentrate on getting yourself level rather then your family and what they believe or don't. Make you your top priority right now and make getting level the first thing you do.

Thatwasthen: I don't know anything anymore. I can't even think clearly anymore. All I know is I'm tired and exhausted of going through this alone.

Seraphim: So how are you and your family dealing with your father's condition ? The problem is my family does NOT believe in mental disorder. They can't relate because they don't have it. If they see with their own eyes that it does exist maybe just maybe they'll change their perspective. Maybe, they'll believe it once they see when I'm not there anymore.

We believe in mental illness. My dad and I are pretty estranged for the most part I see him once a year . That is as much his doing as mine . He was a pretty abusive parent . I still love my dad though. I just see him when he's taking his medication . He is abusive when not.

All I know is he is infinitely better on meds than not. And his life would've been incredibly better on them . He would've had his family he would've had friends and he would've had employment.

Now he's a broken individual who lives in poverty and severe ill health. 😢

Thatwasthen: I don't know anything anymore. I can't even think clearly anymore. All I know is I'm tired and exhausted of going through this alone.

There are many generations of mood disorder and mental illness in my dad's family.

i had c-ptsd and even when the official diagnosis was confirmed by several specialists, the people closest to me acted like i was overreacting, making things up, seeking excuses for "being a mess". they never took it as a legitimate diagnosis. i was never considered ill, even when i was crouching in a corner with flashbacks squealing with my arms held up above my head. i was yelled at to stop effing about. which made the flashbacks worse, and their reaction worse...and made my disorder eventually even worse...sometimes you can still "hear" those people in some of my more impatient comments on here.

many families don't have a grasp on mental illness and don't care to get educated. those with a mental illness are often thought of by their families as spoiled, irrational, lazy, irresponsible, difficult, immature, as if they are purposefully going through their torment to cause the family "so much bother", "and after all we've done for them/ what did we ever do to deserve this" (even when the family was abusive). and sometimes they are good people but incredibly uninformed.

it's important to get a support web elsewhere. at least stay on here. most of us can imagine your current feelings, many have lived through them.

you had a therapist whom you couldn't trust due to her dual interests. so basically you have not been getting proper help during difficult times. you are not beyond repair, you are not treatment-resistant. you had sub-optimal treatment, that's why you are feeling like this.

look up free clinics and see a clinical social worker, for counseling and support- and a direct social worker to inquire where you could get help with the hospital debt.

do you have a single person in your life you can rely on at this point? if so you can take them with you. you will likely not be as persistent and thorough inquiring about your options because you are so fed up with everything. someone who cares about you will advocate for you and seek options with more determination.

My husband's family doesn't believe in mental inllness either. That really did not help my husband. He has GAD.

I have c PTSD and my family had a hard time with it due to their guilt.

Please call the Suicide Hotline before you do anything. 800-273-8255. Please as one human being to another, I (we) don't want you doing this. I'm a pharmacist, sometimes it takes time and multiple adjustments to get a persons meds right. Please don't give up.

QUOTE=coolgirl;6780257]. I just can't do it anymore. I dont want to go on like this anymore. Screw therapy, screw medecine screw everything I am done. I'm done. I've done my dues in my childhood, in my teen years, in my adulthood I'm checking out. And it's matter of timeing with me when that will be in don't know pretty soon hopefully. Im better off dead rather than spend the rest of my life miserable. I've already left a voice message on my phone for my family when I'm dead they can hear and left instructions as to not to have a funeral for me and just cremate me and scatter

My ashes somewhere.

So step 1 is already taken care off. I told myself many times I will do it I will and never gone through with it this time I will. And in time they will be fine.

I want to be your friend! PM me your email

I have never heard of C-PTSD what is it ? Yes, I have been on ENA for a long time. I like this forum. I was seeking a very good therapist back in 2010 for 4 years and she was amazing took me 4 years to feel like normal again. But then she quit doing couneling. Passed me onto to interns to whom which I felt no connection with. I found another therapist that's from the same culture I am thinking that she understand a bit she does not set will with me. Were just to different of people that views are different and sometimes when she does not have her facts straight I just literally want to strangle her. The reason I keeping that line of communication open with her is because I have to renew my disability benefits next year. I've also done TMS which stands for Transcranial magnetic stimulateion and had about 32 sessions of that for a month. It worked for a while but even that didn't help. At that time I wasn't taking medication. Towards the end of the treatment I fell into depression again.

And I was dealing with a couple of things at that time. I don't have anyone I can take with me for moral support. No one what so ever.

[h=1][/h]

i had c-ptsd and even when the official diagnosis was confirmed by several specialists, the people closest to me acted like i was overreacting, making things up, seeking excuses for "being a mess". they never took it as a legitimate diagnosis. i was never considered ill, even when i was crouching in a corner with flashbacks squealing with my arms held up above my head. i was yelled at to stop effing about. which made the flashbacks worse, and their reaction worse...and made my disorder eventually even worse...sometimes you can still "hear" those people in some of my more impatient comments on here.

 

many families don't have a grasp on mental illness and don't care to get educated. those with a mental illness are often thought of by their families as spoiled, irrational, lazy, irresponsible, difficult, immature, as if they are purposefully going through their torment to cause the family "so much bother", "and after all we've done for them/ what did we ever do to deserve this" (even when the family was abusive). and sometimes they are good people but incredibly uninformed.

 

it's important to get a support web elsewhere. at least stay on here. most of us can imagine your current feelings, many have lived through them.

 

you had a therapist whom you couldn't trust due to her dual interests. so basically you have not been getting proper help during difficult times. you are not beyond repair, you are not treatment-resistant. you had sub-optimal treatment, that's why you are feeling like this.

 

look up free clinics and see a clinical social worker, for counseling and support- and a direct social worker to inquire where you could get help with the hospital debt.

 

do you have a single person in your life you can rely on at this point? if so you can take them with you. you will likely not be as persistent and thorough inquiring about your options because you are so fed up with everything. someone who cares about you will advocate for you and seek options with more determination.