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Lost, after 2 decades of wonder


brightbabyblue

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I need help. This is so complicated. I've been in a relationship with my SO for over 6 years and we live together in an apartment. Things haven't been going so great. We're on opposite schedules and our arguments borderline on verbal abuse. I've been dragging my feet about ending it because of the lease but it's needed to change for a long time. I just didn't want to give up. But I had been crying myself to sleep for a long time.

 

Rewind to 17 years ago, I met a boy at school that I had a crush on. We kissed once when I was 11 and once when I was 14. He was the "bad boy," always getting into trouble. We never dated. I had an absolutely intense and obsessive crush on him secretly from a distance and even now as an adult he still was in my mind. I have journal entries I wrote when I was 12 about how much I loved him. I'd have dreams about him every so often. We barely saw eachother or spoke but I just had this intense spiritual pull towards him that I will never understand. It was always there.

 

He ended up becoming an addict on the street. Once about 2 years ago I was standing downtown among the high rise buildings in a suit and he walked by me, brushed shoulders, kept walking. I watched him walk up the street. My heart was pounding for the rest of the day. I saw him a few other times. Each time I couldn't get to him. I had clients outside that couldn't see me talk to a homelessness man.

 

Fast forward to now. We are friends on Facebook. He randomly messaged me 2 months ago and said he had turned his life around and was living a few hours away. Our conversation was the most intense and amazing thing ever. We talked for 9 hours straight and woke up the next morning both saying we were in love. As you can imagine, I started wondering if all the feelings I felt since I was a child had meaning. That they weren't for nothing. The things he said to me were beautiful. We talked for 10 days and in the meantime, I told my SO that we did need space and time so he had been staying at his brother's house. I have not been intimate, kissed, or even slept in the same room as him in 6 months.

 

I met my lifelong "crush" in his hometown and we spent 2 days together. It was like nothing I ever experienced. He said he loved me over and over, that I'd always be safe in his arms, said a prayer at dinner for God to keep me in his life. I have never been so wildly happy. It was unbelievable.

 

A few days after I left he changed. He told me he lost his wallet on the bus, that a friend had died and his father was having problems. He also works 14 hours a day. After a week or so of this I got rattled and said something and he immediately called me. We saw eachother once after that, but I felt myself holding back. In the morning when he left he kissed my cheek. I have barely spoken to him since, and tried reaching out several times.

 

A few weeks ago he told me to please not think this had anything to do with me, that he loved me and that was the truth. When I verbalized my apprehension to his lack of communication, he said that perhaps in my experience when people don't talk it means they aren't interested, but sometimes he just doesn't have the words. He said he didn't want to get involved with a woman that still lived with another man (understandable). I was just hoping we were still going to talk while I worked things out and then move towards a relationship, but I can barely get a response out of him now, and have backed off.

 

It felt so real. Some of my friends have said he just wanted sex, but he put way too much effort in for it to just be that. We talked for hours on the phone every night for that short time. Now I'm wondering why God would throw this person I've always loved into my life only for them to go away. I've been heartbroken before, but this is beyond anything I've experienced and I feel so foolish and stupid. Like everything I believed in never mattered. I called him last night and left a message and I got no response whatsoever. I just don't know how to handle this appropriately? I don't want to push him further away but I also need to do some self-preservation and have a line in the sand.

 

Do I wait until my SO and I are completely finished and then try again? Do I block him and move on? Do I go to therapy? Do I keep trying despite his lack of response? We both came on so incredibly strong, but now I feel scared to even speak to him.

 

I thought he was my soulmate. I have no answers

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Even if he is your soulmate (a big if!), if you read about soulmates the one thing that always pops up is that they are not necessarily meant to be together. In fact, most of the time they won't be. They can be friends, acquaintances, or they can be strangers - the soulmate connection does not automatically imply that they will end up married happily ever after.

He sounds like bad news, so you'd be smart to steer clear of him. When we feel a strong pull towards someone, we tend to romanticize it and make a bigger deal of it than it should be, we create fantasies and we basically auto-suggest ourselves into believing we need to be with them, and tend to ignore the red flags and our better judgement. It's a dangerous trap, and can lead to big mistakes.

 

If you no longer love your SO, let him go. But not because of this guy, who will probably never be with you anyway. Do it for yourself, so you can be free to meet a better suited man.

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Sorry this is not a good omen. It means you have a savior complex. Look into that.

Most of the people I've dated in life have been addicts. I believe people can change and I've seen it happen but something just isn't right.

 

"The Hero Complex

In relationships, the hero is always someone that hopes to lead his companion down the right path. The healthy person in a relationship with the damaged drug addict may do everything in her power to help him get out of his addiction. The hope that he changes, and in the end realizes and is able to appreciate all he has done is what drives her to continue doing what she does. There is an effort from the hero that is far and beyond that any regular person will endure. Because if you want it is worth the effort, right? And then you hope the effort is worth the wait, and all you have done. The hero’s deed is driven by the expectation of change -- a selfish change that may never come"

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I guess I'm just wondering, if there is a God, why would I feel this way my whole life just for it to disappear in a flash? Makes me question my own instinct. All those thoughts and dreams I had feel so stupid?

 

As the saying goes, we make plans and God laughs.

 

Your thoughts and dreams aren't stupid, but they are completely separate from reality.

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The way you see him is a fantasy and an idealization, it's not the real him. You don't know the real him. This love and soulmate thing you say you felt it's just in your mind. I'm not saying he didn't mean what he said, even though it is weird that he said he loved you so soon, but at this time I'm sorry to tell you but he's just not that into you. I'd block him and deal with ending your relationship with your boyfriend and moving on. I think the "love of your life" if we can say so, is neither this guy or your live in boyfriend. He's still to come. Good luck.

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Most of the people I've dated in life have been addicts. I believe people can change and I've seen it happen but something just isn't right.

 

This is a pattern you should look into. This is not healthy, and can explain your attraction to this man. Maybe therapy would help you.

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