Any advice please - going through a terrible time right now

Hi there,

I guess I should start by saying that I have been engaged to my SO for 1 year now. We moved in together last year (big changes) and first lived in a condo by ourselves. The first few months were quite a struggle, but then we got used to it and things were great we were really good at respecting each others space/ working together etc. In October our lease was up and we did the biggest mistake I have ever made… we moved in with his parents.

Now his mom has been pushing for this ever since we moved in together, to be honest his mom pushes for everything and she always gets what she wants. Example, she wanted us to move into their house, we did. She wanted us to buy a house she had in mind (in literally a day I was notified at work that they were going to check it out and we literally bought it that day – werent even looking for a house at that point!). Etc. Every major decision I have noticed was made by his mother and I have been led to believe that it is the best decision for us as a family.

His mom is a very controlling type, to the point where she even tells me straight up if I am too pushy or too controlling you have to let me know. And for the most part, her decisions seemed okay so I went along with them. I mean its hard to disagree when you live in a house where everyone thinks one way, you start to question your own self. We moved in with them in October and it has been the hardest months of my life. I left my family, my loving parents, I moved an hour away from my own work (he works about 15 mins from his parents house) and I moved into a place where I dont have a car anymore (cant drive stick) all for him and because it was his (families) wishes. I barely ever see my friends anymore because it is just so hard to get to them living in the suburbs without a car. Im telling you I chhanged my whole life around and that brings me to my next point.

I feel like I have lost my voice. Decisions are made without me and then I am told about them to “ultimately decide” but if I were to say no or something, I would be convinced that I am making the wrong decision. The nail in the coffin was this: His mom is organizing another wedding for us the day before our own wedding.

Now some background into it. I have been organizing our wedding for a year now, he has been hardly interested in it at all to be honest, and he straight up told me to him, the ceremony aka church part is the actual wedding. As he is catholic, and I am not religious at all, we bickered about it at the beginning but ultimately we compromised with a venue that holds a chapel and the plan was that the priest would come to the chapel and we would have a catholic ceremony. So, I cancelled our original outdoor venue idea (which btw I always wanted to be married outside) and I booked everything. Fast forward months later, I am told that priests do not come chapels, they only have church ceremonies. Well, it would have been nice if they had informed me of this a year ago, but no one was interested. So this started my whole ordeal. Long story short, him and I agreed that we would make our church ceremony after our honeymoon and that our actual real wedding would just be the vows and we were both fine with that.

Until he spoke to his mother. They are now strong arming me into making the church ceremony the day before our wedding, after this, a celebration will be held right after the ceremony, guests will be called and a photographer booked, a dress bought basically it will be another wedding the day before mine. I am horrified. I dont know why I spent so much time and money organizing everything if it doesnt even matter anymore. So we got into a fight and I packed some stuff and went to my parents house. It has now been almost a week and he hasnt even tried to contact me. I feel like I am living in an actual nightmare. How can my future husband treat me this way? The last words we exchanged were me telling him this should be about us and our new life together and his response was no this is about you coming into this family.

I cant help but think that this has nothing to do with the actual church wedding but that there are greater things invovled. And to be honest the more the days go by, the uglier the horizon looks. Any words of wisdom woudl be appreciated, my mind is in such overdrive right now, everything around me is crumbling.

Thank you

It hard to understand living with his parents and wasting all that money on 2 weddings. You may have 2 amazing weddings but one lousy marriage if this is the focus.

He and his family will always be in lock-step not just now. Excellent you moved home. That situation sounded untenable.

Have you ever stood up to his mother? Have you ever put your foot down and say "No. You are being to controlling".

If you want to stay in this relationship you need to be able to stand up for your needs and desires. Why don't you have a car you can drive? You work so far away from where you are living, shouldn't that be a priority?

Does your partner ever stand up to his mother? Do you have plans to move out?

What do you want? What do you need? What do you want your life to look like?

It sounds like he's a mummy's boy and does what he's told. But you are soon going to be the woman in his life, and if he is ignoring what you want, in favor of mummy, then you should think twice before getting married.

It's good you didn't go through with the wedding. You had absolutely no power in that situation. Not okay.

If your fiance does decide to contact you, I recommend having a long talk with him and sharing pretty much what you just shared with us. Marriage, in my view, should be an equal partnership. Two people coming together, not one joining the other's family. If he can't or won't give you a voice, your last word to him should be "goodbye."

I think you hit the nail on the head when you say that moving in with the parents was a mistake. This has changed the dynamic of the relationship and his loyalty to his mother is becoming even more exaggerated. Plus, as you've already noticed, you're feeling intimidated and pressured into going with the 'family' status quo. You're losing your voice - and that's a succinct way of putting it.

Your husband to be needs to step back from this situation and realise the obvious. You can't treat your wife to be like this and think she will perpetually tolerate towing the family line because of his dominant family.

Marriage should be about equality, and it's just not there at the moment. Until its there, don't get married. You both need to be bought-in to this idea of equality.

Now I don't know if he's been in this situation before, where he's faced with upsetting his mother and family if he chooses to disobey their wishes. If he hasn't well he needs to experience the reality of it. You should not just back down, and you know that, which is why you got out of there.

Additionally you need to think about your independence. It sounds like many of your mechanisms for independence were being eroded. Firstly your opinion was being devalued, then your social support network compromised, then your freedom (the car) - and that is part of the problem. If your other half does not recognise the importance of your independence then he needs to re-evaluate what he thinks love is, frankly. I'm sure there are two sides to every story, but eroding someones existing ability to be independent is not something you impose on your wife to be.

It sounds like you are both having a time-out, and that's a good idea. If it were at all possible I would only start living together (if you choose to do so) again outside of his family's house. Then the relationship will feel about you and him. Don't move back in.

The biggest challenge for him is probably going to be going against his family, but he will have to do that because you already know you can't be half a person when married.

I think you did a great thing moving back into your parents home for now. This relationship seems like a one street one. It's like his mother does all the decisions, he goes along and you have to comply. This is not healthy. It could be if both parties compromised for each other but this is not the case. You're bending over backwards for what they want and they don't even respect your opinions. You need to think this through, because things aren't going to get better in the future and believe me, you'll always resent him and his family even if you try to accept all their decisions. Even if you stay with him, I'd call of the wedding and engagement, you two are not ready. And after that you both should move out and find a place that suits both of you and your work distances. It makes no sense living at their parents house as a couple, and even less if living there makes your life hell and it is not convenient work and socially wise. Or if he is not able to make a compromise for you and you find that your ideas are not compatible, I think it is better to call the whole relationship off as it will be a source of misery for you instead of happiness and well being. You're not wrong in having your opinions, believe me.

She wanted us to buy a house she had in mind (in literally a day I was notified at work that they were going to check it out and we literally bought it that day – werent even looking for a house at that point!).

This isn't clear. What do you mean 'we' bought it? That's an entirely different thing from 'HE' bought it, because in order for 'we' to buy it, 'you' would have needed to decide whether or not 'you' would sign the papers.

Did you?