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Leahjeff

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I’m desperate for some advice. I’ve been with my partner for nearly 2 years and everything has been ok, except from when he drinks. I really do not like the person he becomes when he’s drunk and although it’s usually just annoying, there has been several times when he has been very drunk and been verbally abusive towards me, accusing me of things I haven’t done, bringing up things from my past and twisting them. This doesn’t happen that often, although I have lost count, but when it does the things he has said are disgusting and I don’t feel very comfortable talking to family and even a lot of my friends about it. Initially he seemed genuinely sorry for how he had behaved, but now he just plays it down and acts like I’m over-reacting when I bring it up, which really hurts as I don’t think I can accept him thinking that it’s ok. Because of this behaviour, now any time he drinks I worry it’s going to happen again and I feel constantly on edge about it.

 

Over the last few weeks I have told him that I want him to move out as I don’t feel he will ever stop drinking. For the last week he has been ill with a bad cold and has pretty much moved into the spare room. He knows I want to talk this through as it’s driving me crazy, I honestly don’t know what to do. Does anyone else think it’s acceptable to leave someone hanging because they have a cold, after everything he has put me through? He is refusing to talk about it and I’m a complete mess just now, crying all the time, struggling to get on with things I need to get on with. I feel really alone.

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You know it's abuse and you know he's an alcoholic. Talking to friends and family is precisely what you should do. Isolation is the way this continues, especially when you are in denial and don't "want to hear it" from friends and family.

 

You can't fix him, he's not going to change or stop drinking or being abusive (and denying/downplaying it, of course).

 

The longer you make excuses to stay, such as "it's only when he drinks", "it's not all the time", etc. the longer you waste your life on this and cause damage to yourself.

 

Yes kick him out asap, it's only going to get worse. You can talk until you are blue in the face and he will argue and drink and abuse you more and more and more, and you know this.

several times when he has been very drunk and been verbally abusive towards me, accusing me of things I haven’t done, bringing up things from my past and twisting them. This doesn’t happen that often, although I have lost count, but when it does the things he has said are disgusting

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Does it matter what it's classified as? You've already very rightly deemed his behavior unworthy of your commitment. He's an ***hole when he drinks and it doesn't look like he's going to stop. Ergo, he's going to keep being an ***hole. Stand by your word and have him move out. There's nothing to suss out because he's going to keep separating his drunken self from his sober self. Is it your place to have the authority to kick him out or no and you're banking on him just going willingly?

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I really do not like the person he becomes when he’s drunk and although it’s usually just annoying, there has been several times when he has been very drunk and been verbally abusive towards me, accusing me of things I haven’t done, bringing up things from my past and twisting them. This doesn’t happen that often, although I have lost count,...

 

If you have lost count it happens OFTEN and it's important that you aren't in denial about it.

 

.........but when it does the things he has said are disgusting and I don’t feel very comfortable talking to family and even a lot of my friends about it.

 

You can't talk to them because you know perfectly well that he IS abusing you. You don't actually need other people to confirm this, you already KNOW.

Because of this behaviour, now any time he drinks I worry it’s going to happen again and I feel constantly on edge about it.

 

He is refusing to talk about it and I’m a complete mess just now, crying all the time, struggling to get on with things I need to get on with. I feel really alone.

 

He has abused you enough that you are actually traumatized by it. STOP doing this to yourself. There is nothing at all to discuss with him. Kick him out of your life. Are you two sharing a lease together or is it your place in your name only? Tell him point blank that he has 30 days to find a new place and get out. If he doesn't leave willingly, he will be evicted and escorted out by police. (Consult with a real estate attorney on how to go about this).

 

You've put up with an abusive alcoholic for way too long and it has affected your own health and well being. Time for you to get your life back and I sincerely hope that you just that.

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Wow. Thank you for the replies. I guess deep down I do know that it's abuse. I am sure you guys can apprieciate that it's not so easy making someone leave when you still love them. But, I am hoping this is the start of me moving on from this. We both rent the flat together, but I feel if I tell him to go firmly enough he will as deep down he knows how much he has hurt me. I'm just gutted, it's been a great relationship when he's sober, but I don't think he will stop drinking. He's a musician and a social drinker, so he drinks maybe 3-4 nights a week. I'm really glad I posted on here as I was starting to think I was going crazy, it's hard to explain how I feel, I really don't understand it.

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I think the downplaying is actually as bad as the verbal abuse, am I crazy thinking that?
He disassociates drunken boyfriend from sober boyfriend. Of course it's easy for him to dismiss you when he was barely coherent while mistreating you. But, again, does it matter? Why try to weigh these wrongs against each other? I hesitated to answer directly because I don't want to encourage a potential mindset of someone being an ***hole having to explicitly be categorized as "abuse" for you to feel justified in leaving him.
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Thank you. I understand that I don't need to label him in order to leave him or make him leave. I am honestly trying to figure all this out myself as I now realise it can't continue. I love how bloody straight up you guys are though. I didn't even know if anyone would reply and now I feel like I have got this off my chest a wee bit and I can start moving forward. I have heard that it's common when you are being mistreated that you blame yourself and I have spent alot of time feeling like this is my fault, even though the awful things he has said are not even true.

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Thank you, I feel offended every time he says it and he does not understand that at all.

 

He is not stupid, he understands perfectly. However, no abuser is ever going to admit to you, themselves, or anyone at all that what they are doing is in any way, shape, or form wrong. If they did that, then they'd actually have to change themselves and they are not actually interested in that. They are doing what pleases them and getting away with it too if you think about it. Adamant denial and even turning things around and blaming you actually helps them with the getting away with it part.

 

As for the guilt thing, yes, absolutely every single victim of abuse takes on guilt like a sinking ship water. Unfortunately this part is on you, in the sense that you have to regain your sense of right and wrong and learn how to stand by that and not accept blame where none is due no matter what.

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No stop convincing, he's not interested. You tried and tried and tried and he hasn't changed, right? Keep your private correspondence and wisdom to yourself. Instead confide in your family and friends about how abysmal it really is.

I will be asking him to leave for him to leave for real, not just to make a point. I'm almost tempted to show him this thread so he can see just how awful his behaviour is.
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It won't make any difference to him . Don't show him anything from here it will just give them another way to harass you .

 

Thank you. You are right, I wouldn't actually show him, I think I just feel a bit relieved talking to people as I have held this in for soooooo sooooooo long.

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Thank you. You are right, I wouldn't actually show him, I think I just feel a bit relieved talking to people as I have held this in for soooooo sooooooo long.

 

There is always this place that can be a safe space for you .

 

Also tell family and friends, you are safer that way and you'll find that they will want to love you and protect you . There's nothing to be embarrassed about. You did not do anything wrong .

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If you're hiding something from you family and friends it's because YOU know it's wrong and you're afraid they will look down on you for staying.

 

They won't.

 

They will want to help you.

 

And never mind about influencing what they think about him. I know, somewhere inside of you you're hoping he "changes" so you can stay together, and if you tell your family and friends they will remember and hold it against him and give you a hard time for staying. But that's EXACTLY why you should tell them. They can be the voice of reason when your emotions threaten to take over.

 

And be prepared for him to try to manipulate you into staying. He'll use threats, tears, begging, he might even threaten suicide. He'll beg you to stay, and in the next breath he'll tell you about all the girls he plans to hook up with. He'll berate you, then flatter you. He'll promise to "change", maybe even promise to stop drinking. Then, if you go back, it'll start again. Oh, he'll only drink once a week! Or only after band performances! Or he'll only have ONE drink! And before you know it, he'll be right back where he is right now. And you'll be cowering, waiting for the next verbal assault.

 

Don't put yourself through this. Tell your family, and tell him he needs to leave. Initially you'll feel sad, you'll "miss" him and you'll start doubting yourself, wondering if it really was all THAT bad. It is. And the peace of mind you'll have once he's no longer around to drunken berate you will be wonderful.

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If you're hiding something from you family and friends it's because YOU know it's wrong and you're afraid they will look down on you for staying.

 

They won't.

 

They will want to help you.

 

And never mind about influencing what they think about him. I know, somewhere inside of you you're hoping he "changes" so you can stay together, and if you tell your family and friends they will remember and hold it against him and give you a hard time for staying. But that's EXACTLY why you should tell them. They can be the voice of reason when your emotions threaten to take over.

 

And be prepared for him to try to manipulate you into staying. He'll use threats, tears, begging, he might even threaten suicide. He'll beg you to stay, and in the next breath he'll tell you about all the girls he plans to hook up with. He'll berate you, then flatter you. He'll promise to "change", maybe even promise to stop drinking. Then, if you go back, it'll start again. Oh, he'll only drink once a week! Or only after band performances! Or he'll only have ONE drink! And before you know it, he'll be right back where he is right now. And you'll be cowering, waiting for the next verbal assault.

 

Don't put yourself through this. Tell your family, and tell him he needs to leave. Initially you'll feel sad, you'll "miss" him and you'll start doubting yourself, wondering if it really was all THAT bad. It is. And the peace of mind you'll have once he's no longer around to drunken berate you will be wonderful.

 

Ooooft. I need to hear these things, but your message has made me cry as I know it's all true.

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Thank you. Those are really kind words.

There is always this place that can be a safe space for you .

 

Also tell family and friends, you are safer that way and you'll find that they will want to love you and protect you . There's nothing to be embarrassed about. You did not do anything wrong .

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