Pros and Cons list of on-off again relationship of 6 years

Quick Backstory. When I met my BF (32M) I knew upfront that we was not my type. I (29F), let him know that, and we became friends. Eventually FWB and then he told me he loved me and wanted to see what a relationship would bring. We tried, failed, tried again, and failed and this cycle has lasted for about 6 years. However, I genuinely don't know if I can take it anymore or even have him as a solid partner for the rest of my life. I put together a pros and cons list, because this has been one of the hardest decisions I have had to made. I love him dearly, but find it hard to be with him and let him go fully. I am turning 30 this year, have made significant strides in my life, but find him stifled in his personal development.

Pros

-Supportive of me

-We have fun together

-Will do anything for me

-Never gives up on us

-Great sex/bedroom life

-Has been there for me through hard time (father passing away)

- Pays for dates even though I make more

- Mr. Fix it

- Tries to please everyone (this can be a pro and con)

-Goofy

-Genuine heart

-Patient

-Does sweet things like send daily messages, always professing love for me, etc…

-We enjoy similar music

Cons

-We argue all the time

-Toxic to each other – on and off again relationship for 5 years

- He focuses on the past too much

-Substance abuse (Alcohol, cigarettes, went to rehab once for opioids, but can’t shake having addition to something)

-After 2 weeks of being together, I become easily annoyed by his bad habits

-Doesn’t take care of himself (physically/mentally) – has lost teeth, doesn’t care to brush them every day

- Bad with finances

- Dishonest (Tells white lies because he doesn’t want to get “in-trouble” – I am not his mom)

- His family is toxic – they don’t care to see him improve, taunt him with cigarettes, alcohol

- Becomes clingy

- Has stopped doing romantic things for me

- He’s clinically depressed

- He has used craigslist in the past to look for sex we weren’t together (just doesn’t sit well)

- Does drugs occasionally (coke)

- Not intellectual in the slightest- (can’t conceptualize much of anything/terrible grammar)

- Can’t follow through on small promises

- Curses, ad nauseum

- I’m not confident he would make a good father

- Doesn’t take life serious

- Is stuck in his way, has trouble making positive changes for his life

- When we lived together, I went crazy due to his bad habits now in my house (felt like I lost my sanity) – he has since moved out and I am much happier

- He has no independence, always needs help/advice from me on finances, life choices

- Never on time for anything

- Has told me numerous times he wants to feel needed/perhaps insecure

- Has trust issues with me

- Manipulative

What, if anything, does my list tell you? Sending love and good vibes to everyone struggling with matters of the heart.

You've probably made this list before, no? It depends on if you want to keep cycling through this another 5 yrs or more until you are middle aged or older. Clearly you are sticking around out of familiarity and hoping for change. But this type of thing cycles and each cycle brings it down a notch, but since you are conditioned to this you don't notice.

Get yourself to a therapist to help you rehab from your addiction to him. Healthy love looks NOTHING like your con list... Your Pro list looks like your addicted to the honeymoon stage which quickly turns into the nightmare cons.

You are 30 and your biological clock is ticking. You KNOW he won't make a good father because children do not need to see their parents go through a steady diet of "cons" like you have been doing all this time. Subjecting them to that behaviour between the two of you is abusive. Do not bring children into a world where their parents are on again and off again "ad nauseum"

Get yourself to a therapist to help you rehab from your addiction to him. Healthy love looks NOTHING like your con list... Your Pro list looks like your addicted to the honeymoon stage which quickly turns into the nightmare cons.

 

You are 30 and your biological clock is ticking. You KNOW he won't make a good father because children do not need to see their parents go through a steady diet of "cons" like you have been doing all this time. Subjecting them to that behaviour between the two of you is abusive. Do not bring children into a world where their parents are on again and off again "ad nauseum"

Thanks for your advice. I have been careful not to bring kids into the world with this man. I grew up in a broken home and would NEVER subject another to that as long as it is my will. It's the moving on part, 100%, that is the hardest. I've actively dated others, he hasn't and is stuck on me all the time.

You've probably made this list before, no? It depends on if you want to keep cycling through this another 5 yrs or more until you are middle aged or older. Clearly you are sticking around out of familiarity and hoping for change. But this type of thing cycles and each cycle brings it down a notch, but since you are conditioned to this you don't notice.

Yes I have...I've written letters to myself about him, many other things. For some reason, I always keep that glimmer of hope that he will change...and just when I am strong enough to finally let go, he does the manipulative thing that makes me believe he will (breaks all his cigs and throws them away), (makes a dentist appointment)...but that only lasts a short time. I'm a smart woman, but this situation has made me feel more stupid than anything else. It's self sabotage.

Thanks for your advice. I have been careful not to bring kids into the world with this man. I grew up in a broken home and would NEVER subject another to that as long as it is my will. It's the moving on part, 100%, that is the hardest. I've actively dated others, he hasn't and is stuck on me all the time.

Okay, good.

Now its time to get yourself off of this merry-go-round you are on with him. Zero contact is the way to get yourself off. He's never going to change so that his change is now a lifestyle without his own therapy so stop the "hope" and move onto "resolve." Once you do that, you will be on your way to rehabbing from your addiction to him. You can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag off of a cigarette. He's your cigarette and you keep taking a drag.

You've given this union six years of your life and nothing has changed. It's time to stop taking those drags, go cold turkey withdrawl and when you've detoxed from him. Put yourself out there to find a good man that is committed, loyal and a steady presence who appreciates and values you as his LIFE mate. This guy is never going to be that man.

Good luck, you can and will get over him if you get to that first stage of resolve and out of that staggering hope loop you've been in.

This is a pro when it comes to your happiness. Where does he live now? With his parents or friends or in a shelter? With addicts, you'll always "feel needed".

he has since moved out and I am much happier

This is a pro when it comes to your happiness. Where does he live now? With his parents or friends or in a shelter? With addicts, you'll always "feel needed".

Yes it is, thank you. He's living in his fathers basement. I'm encouraging him to get his own place.

Yes it is, thank you. He's living in his fathers basement. I'm encouraging him to get his own place.

It's not your job to "encourage" him to get his own place. Stop caretaking him which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiving.

Zero contact. He knows where you are if he grows up and makes the changes he needs to make to be a good partner to you. Don't even consider taking him back unless he's gotten a good year of therapy in and his therapist agrees that he's ready to be a responsible mate to someone. Don't hold your breath and don't wait around for him. Doing that is just keeping you on that merry-go-round.

Google "codependency" and read everything you can get your hands on about it and educate yourself into overcoming it.

It's not your job to "encourage" him to get his own place. Stop caretaking him which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiving.

 

Zero contact. He knows where you are if he grows up and makes the changes he needs to make to be a good partner to you. Don't even consider taking him back unless he's gotten a good year of therapy in and his therapist agrees that he's ready to be a responsible mate to someone. Don't hold your breath and don't wait around for him. Doing that is just keeping you on that merry-go-round.

 

Google "codependency" and read everything you can get your hands on about it and educate yourself into overcoming it.

I've read of codependency before. Are you suggesting I'm enabling his codependency? For me, I have my own house and everything, so truly I don't rely on another person. However, letting go is hard, especially where I feel he is so hopeless.

You rely on him to have someone to fix. It's great you kicked him out that was a huge step in the right direction.

I don't rely on another person.

I've read of codependency before. Are you suggesting I'm enabling his codependency? For me, I have my own house and everything, so truly I don't rely on another person. However, letting go is hard, especially where I feel he is so hopeless.

Honestly, I feel like I owe him because he's been there so many times in my life...father passing away, helping me move...when I think about it...my friends have as well, but I don't have to consider them as a right fit for my life, so I guess it doesn't matter much. I helped him land a new job and get a car...and honestly, I screwed up using my credit on his car. Part of me is selfishly holding on until he refinances the car out of my name, because we will always have to have some type of contact with that one. That might be the most manipulate thing I've done.

You rely on him to have someone to fix. It's great you kicked him out that was a huge step in the right direction.

My dad, RIP, used to tell me why do I always date men I have to fix. That's something for me to work on...finding someone with their life together as much as mine and figuring out why I've had "broken-wing syndrome" for so long.

Codependency doesn't mean you "depend" on him, or he on you.

Codependency means you sacrifice what is good for you in order to do things for others so that they will stay in your life.

For example, a woman in my codependency group was late for work because her son called her and told her he wanted her to go get him an energy drink and a burger. Even though she knew she would get in trouble for being late to work again, she went ahead and did what he wanted because she feared if she didn't, he'd be "mad" at her.

You cannot move forward in life because you won't detach from him.

What do you fear if you do detach? Do you fear he won't be able to make it without you? Do you fear being without his "love"?

You do know that he may be keeping you attached to him because you do things for him...for example, help with finances (do you give/lend him money?).

Think about another 30 years of this, exactly as it is right now. Does that thought make you feel warm and loved? Or does it sound like a nightmare?

Staying with someone hoping they'll "change" or "realize" is an exercise in futility. Think about it...what is his motivation to "change" when he's currently able to get you to give him what he wants without changing?

I've read of codependency before. Are you suggesting I'm enabling his codependency?

For me, I have my own house and everything, so truly I don't rely on another person. However, letting go is hard, especially where I feel he is so hopeless.

Here is a link to get you started:

Melody Beatty writes the bible(s) on codependency. Google her as well as see what materials she has written may resonate with you.

No. I'm suggesting that you are codependent and you are enabling him to be who he is. When you enable someone's addictions, apathy, the ability to leave you because they know you will take them back etc. You are stopping them from growing.

 

Owning your own home, having a good job, being responsible for your bills etc has nothing to do with codependency. Please google codependency and read what it is I'm suggesting that you are suffering in.

 

Here is a link to get you started:

 

 

 

Melody Beatty writes the bible(s) on codependency. Google her as well as see what materials she has written may resonate with you.

I just read that. Wow. Thanks for sharing. I had the definition all wrong. It's true though. When I've met someone on my level, I sabotage it by thinking I'm not good enough and have purposefully stopped seeking those types of partners. That's terrible and I had no idea why I would do that. I can see that I have some fixing to do. I really appreciate you sharing that with me.

An epiphany! That's awesome, emie. Now you can start he process of learning to say "no" to people and not feeling guilty about it. Keep reading and if you're motivated enough there are always codependency groups that will help you. Al-anon is one if you have a loved one that was addicted to alcohol for instance. Codependency Anonymous is another.

Cheers.

Codependency doesn't mean you "depend" on him, or he on you.

 

Codependency means you sacrifice what is good for you in order to do things for others so that they will stay in your life.

 

For example, a woman in my codependency group was late for work because her son called her and told her he wanted her to go get him an energy drink and a burger. Even though she knew she would get in trouble for being late to work again, she went ahead and did what he wanted because she feared if she didn't, he'd be "mad" at her.

 

You cannot move forward in life because you won't detach from him.

 

What do you fear if you do detach? Do you fear he won't be able to make it without you? Do you fear being without his "love"?

 

You do know that he may be keeping you attached to him because you do things for him...for example, help with finances (do you give/lend him money?).

 

Think about another 30 years of this, exactly as it is right now. Does that thought make you feel warm and loved? Or does it sound like a nightmare?

 

Staying with someone hoping they'll "change" or "realize" is an exercise in futility. Think about it...what is his motivation to "change" when he's currently able to get you to give him what he wants without changing?

His motivation to change has always been...changing for me. That if he changes, I'll marry him. Today though has been a real eye opener in learning about codependency. I didn't realize that I was codependent.

"Do you fear being without his "love"?" Yes. Honestly, I've never had someone be so madly in love with me as he has been. I know that is why I keep holding on. I have given all of these years and myself and will have to start over. It's inevitable because now I realize it's what I have to do, but it saddens me to think in removing all that is bad of the relationship, I also remove the good.

How successful has he been at "changing" for you?

How long do the "changes" last? Are they permanent or do they only last a few days or a couple of weeks?

If you stay in a relationship with him and tell him you love him and continue to do so, I can guarantee he will never truly "change". Again, what is the motivation? Where are the consequences? Are you all talk and no true action?

How successful has he been at "changing" for you?

 

How long do the "changes" last? Are they permanent or do they only last a few days or a couple of weeks?

 

If you stay in a relationship with him and tell him you love him and continue to do so, I can guarantee he will never truly "change". Again, what is the motivation? Where are the consequences? Are you all talk and no true action?

His changes haven't lasted. Once he quit smoking for a week, quit drinking for a day or two. Every other promise he has made, he's failed to come through on. I actually ended up making his dental appointment, he showed up though. I see now that was me care-taking, same with his car, taking him to the bank to get a checking account...quite frankly, there has been no significant change that hasn't had my help, and still I hold his hand. Asking things like "did you pay off your collection", "have you paid your credit card bill", "did you brush your teeth"...i actually bought the book by Melanie Beattie - Codepency no more and am in shock of how much I've contributed to my own unhappiness in this situation.

Motivation will be like, "if you do this, I will let you move in". He won't do it, claiming his environment isn't conducive to him changing, which led me to allowing him to move in with me because I thought my environment would be better. That has been undone now.

My only true action has been the many times I have initiated the breakup. However, when we talk after months or weeks-we jump right back in because I think of all the good things that happened in our relationship. So I've been talk, and action...but my actions have been easily reversed by my selective memory.

His changes haven't lasted. Once he quit smoking for a week, quit drinking for a day or two. Every other promise he has made, he's failed to come through on. I actually ended up making his dental appointment, he showed up though. I see now that was me care-taking, same with his car, taking him to the bank to get a checking account...quite frankly, there has been no significant change that hasn't had my help, and still I hold his hand. Asking things like "did you pay off your collection", "have you paid your credit card bill", "did you brush your teeth"...i actually bought the book by Melanie Beattie - Codepency no more and am in shock of how much I've contributed to my own unhappiness in this situation.

 

Motivation will be like, "if you do this, I will let you move in". He won't do it, claiming his environment isn't conducive to him changing, which led me to allowing him to move in with me because I thought my environment would be better. That has been undone now.

 

My only true action has been the many times I have initiated the breakup. However, when we talk after months or weeks-we jump right back in because I think of all the good things that happened in our relationship. So I've been talk, and action...but my actions have been easily reversed by my selective memory.

Here's another example...I booked a vacation on my own before he moved out. We broke up when he moved out and I had every intention to go it alone...I mean, I was reading solo travel guides, getting encouragement etc. He came by to get his mail, I didn't want to look at him. He gave the whole "I realized what I lost", I fell for it all thinking he must really get it. Fast forward, I invite him on my vacation because I know we have fun together. Fast forward, issues come back up and I'm like FML!!' Why did I do that! Because now, I'm stuck with him coming on vacation...while we are doing this on again...where I am now learning that I really need to let go and there is no turning back. Now, learning what I have been for all these years to him, it's just...I could literally cry. This vacation has been something I've looked forward to for years after finishing school, getting promotion and now I feel like I'm giving false hope having him come with me realizing that we just will never work no matter what.

People can change if they understand what,s at stake.

People can change if they understand what,s at stake.

However: They will never understand what is at stake if they are being enabled to be who they currently are.

I haven't read through the responses here, so I'm not sure if you've come to a resolution yet...but I'd like to add this regardless. I dated someone for 2.5 years where it was like this- constant fights...on again off again...when it's good, it's amazing but when it's bad, it's really really bad. Ending the cycle was the best decision I ever made. After a really bad fight/break up, I blocked him on everything- every work number he could call from, email addresses, skype, social media...everything. Finally 6 months after we broke up, he found a phone that I hadn't blocked yet, and when he got through we talked. He promised it would be different this time...he said he still loved me. As I was talking to him, my bf of 2 months pulled into my driveway...and I realized...I know where things will go with my ex. I told him that- and that I didn't know where it would go with this new guy, and I wanted to see what happened with him. I married him two years later.

You know where this goes...if you want something different from your life, you have to try something different.

Take time, heal. Become the best version of yourself- find new hobbies and passions-meet new friends- pack your life to the brim with all the things that you love! And then (and only then) put yourself out there again, open yourself to love again.

I promise that one day you'll look back on this and wonder why you stayed so long. Why you tried so hard to make it work with someone when it was so obvious that it would never be any different. One day, you'll be so thankful you had the guts to close that door and walk away. Because you can't be open to other possibilities when you're with him.

Good luck Be brave- it's gets easier, promise.

I haven't read through the responses here, so I'm not sure if you've come to a resolution yet...but I'd like to add this regardless. I dated someone for 2.5 years where it was like this- constant fights...on again off again...when it's good, it's amazing but when it's bad, it's really really bad. Ending the cycle was the best decision I ever made. After a really bad fight/break up, I blocked him on everything- every work number he could call from, email addresses, skype, social media...everything. Finally 6 months after we broke up, he found a phone that I hadn't blocked yet, and when he got through we talked. He promised it would be different this time...he said he still loved me. As I was talking to him, my bf of 2 months pulled into my driveway...and I realized...I know where things will go with my ex. I told him that- and that I didn't know where it would go with this new guy, and I wanted to see what happened with him. I married him two years later.

 

You know where this goes...if you want something different from your life, you have to try something different.

 

Take time, heal. Become the best version of yourself- find new hobbies and passions-meet new friends- pack your life to the brim with all the things that you love! And then (and only then) put yourself out there again, open yourself to love again.

 

I promise that one day you'll look back on this and wonder why you stayed so long. Why you tried so hard to make it work with someone when it was so obvious that it would never be any different. One day, you'll be so thankful you had the guts to close that door and walk away. Because you can't be open to other possibilities when you're with him.

 

Good luck Be brave- it's gets easier, promise.

Thank you for your story and congrats on moving on fully allowing someone just for you in your life! It feels nice to know that new beginnings are possible even when they don't seem like they are.

I began to throw myself into new activities that make me happy a few weeks ago, after realizing that my happiness is an inside job. This weekend, a few posters gave me some insight into codependency so I'm familiarizing myself with that and trying to heal from being that of person for the future. I've been really putting myself first for a few weeks. However, there are some loose ends to tie up in the relationship 1.) him refinancing the car that I signed for, 2.) we are going on a vacation in April. You'll read below that I quickly realized this was a dumb decision, but I can't uninvite him since he has paid his portion.

I believe once those two things are done, we can cut ties 100%. I believe it's weaning out of the relationship. I've communicated that we both need to end this the relationship isn't healthy. His delusion is there, but as time has been going in the past week, communication and visits have become less and the only two things I talk about are the vacation and his refinancing of the car. I'm confident now though, with all your guys inputs as well as now having a "diagnosis" of my own issue that I will be able to let this go 100% .

Thank you so much everyone for your feedback, guidance and ear. It has probably been the most progress I've made regarding this decision. I'll keep you guys updated!