Broke NC because I had to. Need help.

Hey guys,

I've been posting on this board a couple times this month mostly because I was proud of myself for competing a month of NC and starting to feel better.

My lease is up soon and my ex still had my extra key so naturally I had to break NC to get it back from her. Not something I wanted to do because I knew I wasn't totally ready to talk to her.

We met up yesterday and exchanged some stuff we both had and she was about to leave, I asked her if she wanted to talk or just go. Much to my surprise she did talk. Mostly apologizing, saying she never wanted to hurt me, that she still doesn't know what she wants.. etc she cried which surprised me.....through all this talk I did finally find out there's a rebound guy. I'm not as surprised as I thought I would be, and even less surprised that in her apologies to me she told me basically "I know when things get hard I run." And then essentially hinted that she will eventually leave this new guy too. (She's left nearly all of her exes a few months after the honeymoon phase.)

Overall I get why there's a new guy. My ex left me because she wanted space to focus on herself and her mental health. Always talking about how she wants to see a therapist for her problems, but never actually going. Instead she's focused totally on other things. I refused to be just her friend after attempting to be for a month or two.

I'm still close to a few of her friends and they've all told me she doesn't talk to them anymore/they think she met up with this new guy in order to feel something/get a distraction after I initiated NC and she also dropped most of her friends. (Apparently she met this guy recently after she started to really see I wouldn't reach out to her.) she's the type to avoid her problems, find something to distract her and then eventually burn out.

What do y'all think about this? I know rebounds are a common thing but I worry about her mental health.

I tried my best to keep my composure but my frustration got the best of me so I got visibly upset right before asking her to leave. Kicking myself for that now.

At first I felt like a million bricks were taken off of me, but I had real trouble sleeping last night. Overthinking, etc.

I guess I'm posting now to ask if this feeling of remorse/relief is normal. I was doing so good, but now I feel a mix of finally hearing what I needed to in order to really cut the cord and stop having hope, and now having to push through the sick feeling of imagining her with someone else.

Any tips on how to overcome this or what to think? Obviously I'm back to strict NC. I did tell her before she left not to contact me unless she ever wants to work it out. I know rebounds are a common thing that happens before any kind of reconciliation -- my family keeps telling me this because she's so young (22) and my parents think she'll be back (they loved her thought she was great for me, etc)but I just really don't have the energy to have any kind of hope for us anymore. I just want to get past all of this. I've done literally all I can and I feel like my hard work has been for nothing.

It's hard to tell if "need space" or this guy came first. The good news is after severing things more definitively, nothing is left hanging.

Her mental health is her concern, not yours. Things will get better with time and no contact.

I get why there's a new guy. My ex left me because she wanted space to focus on herself and her mental health. I worry about her mental health.

She swore to me last night that she met this guy last month and that the entire time we were still in contact she wasn't talking to anyone, and her friends confirmed to me he's only recently been in the picture but you're right. You never know...and now he could eventually not fit the label of a "rebound" given the length of time apart so I really don't know.

It sounds like she left you for him using the 'space' excuse to obscure the 'overlap'.

You never know...and now he could eventually not fit the label of a "rebound" given the length of time apart so I really don't know.

It sounds like she left you for him using the 'space' excuse to obscure the 'overlap'.

Could very well be the case considering her reasons she was so adamant about for leaving don't make much sense now.

This is basically why I want to totally forget the idea of hope right now because she's really unpredictable and I have no idea what her true intentions are. I don't wanna be stuck in a rut over someone who has zero interest in me anymore but just doesn't want to admit it.

She is still refusing to deal with her issues, as she bounces from man to man. Nothing has changed. You need to move on, and not hope that she wants to come back. You do not wan to return to the drama.

By the way, you handled things well.

She swore to me last night that she met this guy last month and that the entire time we were still in contact she wasn't talking to anyone, and her friends confirmed to me he's only recently been in the picture but you're right. You never know...and now he could eventually not fit the label of a "rebound" given the length of time apart so I really don't know.

It doesn't matter. she lied to you about dealing with her issues. She used it as an excuse.

Be done.

She is still refusing to deal with her issues, as she bounces from man to man. Nothing has changed. You need to move on, and not hope that she wants to come back. You do not wan to return to the drama.

 

By the way, you handled things well.

I know this deep down, yeah. It's unfortunate for anyone she dates as it's clear she won't get anywhere too serious until she deals with her demons.

If I hadn't had a month NC under my belt I would've been a lot more unstable, but thank you for recognizing I handled it wel! I just wish seeing her cry wasn't a trigger for me to start feeling bad for her anymore. I know she's really lost but I don't wanna be THAT guy who still wants to "save" her anymore, because I know the reality is there's no saving. Her choices are her choices.

It doesn't matter. she lied to you about dealing with her issues. She used it as an excuse.

 

Be done.

Thanks for the reassurance I've had a lot of people try to make excuses for her for that being okay but lying never is. She should've just been honest with me. You're right.

Thanks for the responses guys. My main focus now is just trying to see clearly and realize that this just isn't the person for me. It's nice to not be so delusional anymore about her and I can feel myself getting better. It was just the new guy coming into the picture set me back a little.

I read your first post on these forums which helped to give a clearer picture.

I think it is important to recognise how you also contributed to the break up, and I think you have gained the distance to enable a sense of clarity now.

She was going through a stressful time towards the end of University, and rather than supporting her, you became clingy and in your words, "totally bitter" and "codependent." Not criticising you as it can be a natural reaction when someone you love pulls away, but hopefully you have learned a valuable lesson for any future situations like this. If someone asks for space, you give it to them with immediate effect.

Again, I think you have indeed learned your lessons after reading your wonderful "The Universe Works in Funny Ways" thread.

My take is that this new guy is just that...a new guy. I personally don't believe he was in the picture when she first asked for space. The whole limbo period lasted more than five months, right? Until you eventually implemented NC? I think you would have heard about this guy during your long limbo timeframe. As you say, she probably just reacted out of panic or something that you were being strong and cutting her out of your life, and she did the natural reaction of someone young and possibly immature, namely a rebound.

When you met up recently to get the key, she could probably see how the NC has made you stronger, and that is why she surprised you by breaking down in tears. I thought you handled that situation very well, and don't kick yourself for how you reacted to her tears. Although 'closure' is an overrated term, it feels like you have gained it here and therefore you should continue on your NC journey. It is not starting again. The work you did over the last month of NC is still there, and my guess is that within a few days, you will have put this incident behind you.

Final point. She is only 4 years younger than you, but as you know, it is a big difference in terms of where you are currently at. She needs to figure out her life plan post-University, which can be a daunting thing to contemplate. Throw in the fact she is rebounding and has already admitted she needs therapy for her other mental issues, and the conclusion should be easy for you to reach, i.e. she is not currently relationship material.

You can't fix her, however much you want to. She can only fix herself. And until that happens...NC.

I read your first post on these forums which helped to give a clearer picture.

 

I think it is important to recognise how you also contributed to the break up, and I think you have gained the distance to enable a sense of clarity now.

 

She was going through a stressful time towards the end of University, and rather than supporting her, you became clingy and in your words, "totally bitter" and "codependent." Not criticising you as it can be a natural reaction when someone you love pulls away, but hopefully you have learned a valuable lesson for any future situations like this. If someone asks for space, you give it to them with immediate effect.

 

Again, I think you have indeed learned your lessons after reading your wonderful "The Universe Works in Funny Ways" thread.

 

My take is that this new guy is just that...a new guy. I personally don't believe he was in the picture when she first asked for space. The whole limbo period lasted more than five months, right? Until you eventually implemented NC? I think you would have heard about this guy during your long limbo timeframe. As you say, she probably just reacted out of panic or something that you were being strong and cutting her out of your life, and she did the natural reaction of someone young and possibly immature, namely a rebound.

 

When you met up recently to get the key, she could probably see how the NC has made you stronger, and that is why she surprised you by breaking down in tears. I thought you handled that situation very well, and don't kick yourself for how you reacted to her tears. Although 'closure' is an overrated term, it feels like you have gained it here and therefore you should continue on your NC journey. It is not starting again. The work you did over the last month of NC is still there, and my guess is that within a few days, you will have put this incident behind you.

 

Final point. She is only 4 years younger than you, but as you know, it is a big difference in terms of where you are currently at. She needs to figure out her life plan post-University, which can be a daunting thing to contemplate. Throw in the fact she is rebounding and has already admitted she needs therapy for her other mental issues, and the conclusion should be easy for you to reach, i.e. she is not currently relationship material.

 

You can't fix her, however much you want to. She can only fix herself. And until that happens...NC.

Thank you for taking the time to read my other posts to understand my situation and I gotta say, I agree with everything you've said, especially about the new guy. It sounds like a rebound out of her assuming I was moving on, because of the month of no contact. (Essentially I was but still had hope she'd reach out.) and I think he's just a comfort thing right now, which doesn't surprise me given her history with doing this same thing repeatedly. I also don't believe he was in the picture from the get go though. I think it was a reaction to my NC strength because it was unlike me. (Wow it's been a month maybe he won't ever speak to me again, better find a new guy - type deal.)

Do I think it's going to lead to anything serious? Not really, given she graduates in may and will most likely give this guy the new career excuse in order to run. Is it any of my business though? No. And her leaving him in no way means she'll come back to me. For all I know they may stick together and if that's what happens she deserves to be happy. It hurts like hell but I can't ever get mad at someone for doing what they think they need to do. This news is just a new hurdle for me to get over, hopefully quicker than it took me to move past the initial breakup.

You're right that we're in 2 different spots in our lives. She has a ton on her plate right now. The best thing I think is like you said, keep on with the NC. Yesterday I blocked the new guy on all my social media as well to steer clear of seeing anything I don't wanna see. I guess part of me was just a little upset that she assumed I was just totally moved on all because I hadn't reached out in a month, because I used to be so constant in my contact before. Not much I can do about what she thinks though.

We both agreed we needed to work on ourselves during the initial space/limbo phase and I immediately got into therapy as a means to keep up my end of the bargain. She always talked about it, but never did. Hopefully one day she'll take the initiative to face her demons, like you said. I can't force her.

I've made a lot of progress but I needed to have this all laid out for me, like you did in your response, so thank you. I appreciate you also telling me you think I've learned my lessons, because I feel I have.

Thanks for the responses guys. My main focus now is just trying to see clearly and realize that this just isn't the person for me. It's nice to not be so delusional anymore about her and I can feel myself getting better. It was just the new guy coming into the picture set me back a little.

It sucks, to give your all to someone who can't even give you half of themselves. I don't think you should of told her not to contact you unless she wants to be together. In her eyes, that makes you look desperate and as if you're waiting her. That is NOT what you want ex to think, I know first hand. Tell yourself, you will not be there to reconcile with just in case things don't work out with her new guy, you are worth much more. It seems like you have incredible willpower, people don't realize how hard it is to get to that month. It will get better though, maybe not tomorrow, or maybe not even next month but it will get better . Best of luck to you.

It sucks, to give your all to someone who can't even give you half of themselves. I don't think you should of told her not to contact you unless she wants to be together. In her eyes, that makes you look desperate and as if you're waiting her. That is NOT what you want ex to think, I know first hand. Tell yourself, you will not be there to reconcile with just in case things don't work out with her new guy, you are worth much more. It seems like you have incredible willpower, people don't realize how hard it is to get to that month. It will get better though, maybe not tomorrow, or maybe not even next month but it will get better . Best of luck to you.

It does suck, and my willpower was a surprise but it wasn't easy whatsoever. I was definitely marking days off on a calendar for the first couple of weeks....not doing that anymore.

I agree that saying don't contact me unless you want to reconnect is kind of a iffy move, but I didn't say it in those exact words. I basically said "If you ever wanna give it a shot in the future you have a route to contact me but I can never just be your friend so I have to let it go." Essentially the same thing I guess but I didn't imply I'd be waiting around 100%. Ever since she left my apartment I'm kicking myself for not saying things I could've said.

It sucks, it all sucks, especially to remember how she was just flirting with me for a few days again only a little over a month ago (which is her idea of "trying to make it work" apparently, *insert eye roll here*) and is already able to be jumping into something with someone new. I can't do that. Even just to forget I think it's wrong.

I assume it isn't serious knowing the type of mentality she's had lately, she's unstable. I really do think it was a knee jerk reaction to me being NC and her losing support of some friends. But she's trying to put up a facade that she's happy. When I brought up the new guy I basically said why didn't you tell me there was someone else...her quick snap back was "there wasn't" implying she had just met him recently after I had gone NC and never knew him during our limbo. She then said something about "we weren't talking so I just didnt know" as in didn't know what to think or do I guess, and she started looking for someone else. After this was when she started crying and apologizing..

I think the NC from me was probably a shock to her system after a day or two because I have always been so attentive to her and always contacted first. But she's so stubborn of a person that I know she wouldn't have contacted me that quickly, which is why I wasn't surprised she never reached out that whole month. I'd seen her lose a few close friends during our relationship all because they just stopped talking and she wouldn't initiate conversation.

But whatever the reason it all makes me sick to my stomach and I hope to get past this road bump soon. Even if it is a rebound I'm not sure I could reconcile with her now if she was ever to be remorseful.

I never put my age on this post either but I'm 26 and she's 22. Just about to graduate. I graduated 3 years ago so yeah we are in two different places. I also forget sometimes that she's 22. I was a hell of a lot more immature and unsure of myself at 22 so this is something I have to keep in mind. She's a very smart and strong girl....been through a lot of in 22 years but unfortunately those things are the root of her needing to actually focus on her problems...she know she she runs away but hasn't taken initiative to understand why. so age does play a huge part I think. Maybe she thinks eventually finding the "right guy" will fix everything.

What do y'all think about this? I know rebounds are a common thing but I worry about her mental health.

I'm sorry, but my guess is there's nothing wrong with her "mental health", and I'd bet my mortgage she had this guy lined up before your breakup.

On a lighter note, be careful not to sell yourself short.

I'm sorry, but my guess is there's nothing wrong with her "mental health", and I'd bet my mortgage she had this guy lined up before your breakup.

 

On a lighter note, be careful not to sell yourself short.

Whether she did or not isn't really something I wanna focus on cause she very well could have and I don't want to defend her in that sense cause it was wrong, but as for the mental health stuff, it's the truth. She's been through stuff I'm not about to get into on here out of respect. But she hasn't dealt with it. Nonetheless that doesn't excuse the stuff she lied about or did in regards to me.

Whether she did or not isn't really something I wanna focus on cause she very well could have and I don't want to defend her in that sense cause it was wrong, but as for the mental health stuff, it's the truth. She's been through stuff I'm not about to get into on here out of respect. But she hasn't dealt with it. Nonetheless that doesn't excuse the stuff she lied about or did in regards to me.

Agree it isn't important, but my view remains that she didn't line up this guy before the break up. I would usually assume the same as other posters because the initial post on this thread doesn't make it clear there was a full five months of limbo time before implementing NC/news of the other guy.

May I also say that I think you are dealing with all this excellently. You have reflected on the relationship and break up to gain a greater understanding of what went wrong, and you have implemented means of improving yourself and addressing your own issues that you have maturely accepted that you have. Be proud of yourself for taking these steps in the face of such heartbreak, rather than jumping into another relationship (like many others do, including your ex). You deserve to find someone of a similar maturity in the future, and in my opinion, your ex is not that girl.

Agree it isn't important, but my view remains that she didn't line up this guy before the break up. I would usually assume the same as other posters because the initial post on this thread doesn't make it clear there was a full five months of limbo time before implementing NC/news of the other guy.

 

May I also say that I think you are dealing with all this excellently. You have reflected on the relationship and break up to gain a greater understanding of what went wrong, and you have implemented means of improving yourself and addressing your own issues that you have maturely accepted that you have. Be proud of yourself for taking these steps in the face of such heartbreak, rather than jumping into another relationship (like many others do, including your ex). You deserve to find someone of a similar maturity in the future, and in my opinion, your ex is not that girl.

It's amazing what just a couple of days of reflecting on something can do. Initially I was distraught with this news of the new guy but the more I read similar experiences online and find out more about this situation from our circle of friends, the more part of me just has to step back and laugh a little. To go from talking about marriage during our relationship to being in this situation has taught me to maybe not take life so seriously anymore, because anything can and will happen.

I've since blocked them both everywhere to avoid seeing anything to set me back me back, but after hanging out with some friends last night I found out I know the new guys ex, and apparently they were still together around Valentine's Day.

If this is true this is total affirmation that my ex most likely didn't have him lined up (no surprise to us) but DID start talking to him during my 1 month of no contact, as she insisted. The extra kicker here is he is also fresh out of a relationship. This could either end in disaster, or they could stick together....don't really care but I just think it's just so typical in a situation like this. I will admit my one worry now after finding all of this out is how I will handle myself and my strength if she ever reaches out to me after their first argument...there will eventually be one...everyone couple has them. I hope she doesn't.

The more days that pass by the more I realize how stupid I was for that 5 months of limbo and I wish I went NC sooner. Our initial BU talk was totally about us taking a break to work on ourselves immensely and to her then "maybe come back together in the future. I don't know. We just have to live our lives." I should've known right there that she really had no plans on trying to better herself, for US, anyway. I totally devoted most of those 5 months to digging deep and finding where I went wrong in order to be 100% better if reconciliation were ever to come into play afterwards. Yes I was very overly pushy and upset with her for wanting space initially, but during our limbo I convinced myself this was all my fault. Not true. she literally has done nothing it appears, that's in the same sense, and just used it all as an excuse. It's amazing to see this clearly.

I do hope eventually she does find the strength to work on herself she deserves happiness, yes, just like anyone else, but right now I am angry and I'm allowed to be.....after reflecting over all of this and remembering everything she said when I saw her just the other day -- do I think she will regret this and want to talk to me again? It's likely....but do I think she will have the guts to admit that to me or actually reach out? Not really. And what more can I expect from someone who could never really ever give me even 50% of what I gave 100 of when it comes to honesty.

I got my heart crushed and I hurt every day but I finally feel like I'm getting my power back, and that's enough for me right now.

My strongest advice to everyone on this board is to please implement NC for your own good and never ever make your S/O your entire world. You will be too lost if they leave. It's unhealthy and only ends in despair. I'll learn from my mistakes from here on out and hopefully do better next time, with whoever. You can love your ex and take them down from the pedestal you had them on. They're only human. Do I still love my ex? Yes. Do I think I deserve better? Absolutely. Do I think that can come from her? Sure, with a lot of time and if she really works towards it....but I'm not gonna wait around anymore.