Jump to content

How do I positively relate to my parents who ignore my history of abuse?


intothewave

Recommended Posts

I am 36 years old and a mother of 3 little children, all under 6.

 

I truly need help figuring out how to get over my anger toward my parents. I feel very deep anger and frustration toward my mother and father.

Here are the facts:

My father french kissed me when I was little- I must have been anywhere between 7 and 9, maybe 10 at the oldest. There is no other incident to the best of my knowledge. I never told anyone until I was 24 and went to a therapy session.

 

I was raped by a neighbor 2 times when I was 15. I was raped by a high school friend 2 times as well during the same time.

I drank myself to full loss of consciousness after these events. I passed out on the street and was taken to the hospital by a stranger where I regained consciousness and subsequently was treated and recovered.

All this happened in Bulgaria.

 

I was one of the best students in my high school, which was the best high school in the area. I mastered English and I got a scholarship to study in the USA so I came to college here in the USA right after high school. I was on my own. I was 19.

 

I have been more or less separated from my parents since then, however, when I became a citizen about 6 years ago, my father asked me that I sponsor him for a green card, so I did and he came here. He has been here for about 3 years now. He stayed with me in the beginning. And that's when the flood gates opened in my mind.

Although he did not do anything wrong since he has been here, I cannot TRUST him. I get angry at him for the smallest thing. He has poor boundaries and as a new immigrant with a minimum wage job, he has very little money, so sometimes he just takes our things from our house and never returns them. Even if he can afford them, he just would rater save the money than buy himself whatever it is that he takes from our house.

 

My mother does not want a green card and refuses to move here, but she is visiting now for an extended period of time- 6 months, and I am experiencing the same thing- I am so angry at her. She can't do anything right. She picks up the baby this way or that way- and I snap at her.

 

What do I do? I spoke to my mother, brother and father once after my therapy session back when I was in my twenties about what I remember about the abuse that happened to me not mentioning the incident with my father. I was really needing them to cry with me, to say something really comforting and nice. My brother started to cry and cried with me, but my father walked away and my mother said "it happens to a lot of people". I don't understand why she did that. My mother is typically a person who would cry at the smallest thing. I don't know why she did what she did.

 

Fastforward to now. My mother is staying either with me or my father who is renting a small studio about 40 minutes drive from here. Right now she is at his place.

My mother is here to help me with the kids, BUT the only thing happening is that I am so ANGRY at her. I want to stop. I don't understand why I am so angry. I tried talking to her a few times in the past months since she's come to visit, but every time she says it is wrong to dig into the past. She says I am digging too much in the past instead I need to confess it to God and move on. She has always been very very critical of me since I was a child and she has never praised me. Although i came here to the USA and made a life for myself, she has never approved it or been proud of it. we were not well off in bulgaria. My brother there has no job and no family. He lives with my mom and depends on her although he is perfectly capable of working. She is always so sweet to my brother. But not to me. I have confessed it to God a long time ago, I took a confession in church. But somehow I still need some kind of compassion from my mother. I want her to say something comforting to me. She just can't say it. Maybe she wants to, but she can't. All she does is want to cut off the conversation.

Then at the smallest thing she does in the house or with cooking or with how she handles the kids, I get so angry at her, I snap in a really mean or rude way. I don't want to be mean or rude to my mom! It's not right. I don't want my kids to see me this way. I don't want to have these feelings.

Please help. What do I do?? She wants to come here today but I just can't handle it. How do I get over this for the sake of my kids and my husband.

Link to comment

You are mad at her because she did not protect you . And also because she denied anything happened to you by saying it happens to a lot of people which gives me a hint that this also happened to her . She doesn't know how to help you because she can't help herself .

 

I am so sorry this happened to you . Your voice was taken away and your right to be your own bodily person was taken away .

 

I would explore this in further therapy . As your children get older and older more things about your abuse will come to you motherhood and parenthood has a way of doing that and you will become angry on and off again. Your best bet is to go over this in therapy .

Link to comment

It would be best to distance yourself from your mother and father and definitely keep him away from your children.

 

Change your locks. Get appropriate childcare. Your therapist must have told you you are over-attached over-involved and over-enmeshed with them, no?

My father french kissed me when I was little.

 

my father asked me that I sponsor him for a green card, so I did and he came here. He has been here for about 3 years now. I cannot TRUST him. He has poor boundaries

My mother is here to help me with the kids.

Link to comment

I have not been in therapy for two years now. I want to go back asap. Finding childcare is a bit of an issue due to lack of extra funds for that, BUT I know that when there is a will, there is a way, plus I think I'd rather save from buying other things to afford that. Also my insurance just changed and I need to see what they can cover.

Now that I think about it, I might be too involved with my parents. I think I feel a sense of duty toward them. They are my parents, after all. Also I feel this strong desire to help them.

Life in Bulgaria is tough, there is no opportunity if you have no ties to those in power or want to go by the book.

I am very very grateful for my life here and for the incredible place this country is. I guess I wanted to somehow share that with them, to help them...what I really want to do is help my brother. He has been unemployed for a while now and there are almost no prospects there. 40% unemployment. I am also upset at my brother he is not a go getter...

All visits between my father and my children are supervised by me. I have a code to our house that he does not know, or my mom doesn't know it either.

...

After my father came to this country, my therapist told me to speak to him about the kiss. SO i did. He denied it. After that I asked him to move out of our place and find his own, which he did. I have no reason to think that he will do anything yet I cannot trust him because he denied what happened.

I guess I wanted to somehow heal this , resolve this.

My husband really wanted to help them. He knows about the abuse now, but back when I was applying for my father's green card he did not.

I am so confused about what to do. I guess I can keep a distance for now until therapy helps me...

Link to comment

I dont know why you would even go through all this if you know it's not right and you aren't happy. The best thing you've done is become independent and move away from them as far as possible. Whether it's family or friends if they hurt and put a strain on you more than give you positivity you need in your life you should get rid of them. At this point all they do is use you and take your kindness for granted just b/c you're their daughter. It seems you can't do anything right to them anyway since your brother gets all the affection and praise for nothing it's just their outdated mentality. Family ties are overrated dont let this feeling of commitment and guilt chain you to them like a life sentence. BTW I think it was a mistake to help your father get a green card in the first place now he's back in your life and around you.

Link to comment

Please go back to therapy and work thru this. It sounds like you went one time a long time ago and that clearly wasn't enough. You are mad at your mother for not protecting you when your father did the things he did. You went off the rails and neither of them helped you get back on your feet, successfully. You dont have to feel this way, and a good therapist will help you.

Link to comment

You can't make other people react to things and do things the way that you want them to. It's just not possible. You can only control what you do and how you react and respond to things.

You may have moved countries, built a life for yourself, however you have not dealt with your past and are continuing to carry those issues with you unresolved. I'd suggest going back to therapy because unfortunately the only person who can actually release you from all that pain and anguish is you. There comes a point where you have to allow yourself peace. That peace is not dependent on others, it's dependent on you. Trying to pin it to others, if only they would do this and that, is a bit like chasing the wind. You are focusing on the wrong thing and creating a never ending vicious cycle of pain for yourself.

Link to comment

I just got off the phone with a therapist in my area. Going this coming Tuesday!!

THANK YOU guys. I absolutely don't know why I haven't done this yet! I was sooo busy with responsibilities and so overwhelmed and my former therapist is now too far since we moved. I wanted to go back to her... but could never make the time for the 2 hour commute.

I'm excited to rejoin therapy. I guess i did not realize that my new insurance has a much better benefit for that!!

I briefly spoke to the therapist on the phone, I liked her, she cracked the surface in a good way, I can really feel I'll be able to talk to her even though I have to start from zero, which is never easy.

 

Link to comment
I just got off the phone with a therapist in my area. Going this coming Tuesday!!

THANK YOU guys. I absolutely don't know why I haven't done this yet! I was sooo busy with responsibilities and so overwhelmed and my former therapist is now too far since we moved. I wanted to go back to her... but could never make the time for the 2 hour commute.

I'm excited to rejoin therapy. I guess i did not realize that my new insurance has a much better benefit for that!!

I briefly spoke to the therapist on the phone, I liked her, she cracked the surface in a good way, I can really feel I'll be able to talk to her even though I have to start from zero, which is never easy.

 

 

I'm excited for you, OP! I wish you the best of luck. If you don't, already, perhaps consider beginning a journal or a blog to help you in your recovery and healing process. If you feel comfortable discussing it with your therapist, she may instruct you on elements of this issue to explore and express on your personal time, as well.

 

Truly, all the best. I'm sorry that you've gone through this.

Link to comment

So glad you are getting back into therapy. These are some traumatic things you have gone through and unfortunately from someone who you should be able to trust fully.

 

The best thing for you is to continue your life with your three children, with very limited or no contact with your family. I worry that your Father will bring on abuse with your innocent children.

 

I know it is hard to do this without family support, but you are all better off in the long run.

Link to comment
I'd suggest going back to therapy because unfortunately the only person who can actually release you from all that pain and anguish is you. There comes a point where you have to allow yourself peace. That peace is not dependent on others, it's dependent on you. Trying to pin it to others, if only they would do this and that, is a bit like chasing the wind. You are focusing on the wrong thing and creating a never ending vicious cycle of pain for yourself.

 

That's good news. Since I do want peace, then it should not be that hard for me to get if I hold the key to that. I did not know I can solve my own issue. It's an empowering thing to embrace.

Link to comment
So glad you are getting back into therapy. These are some traumatic things you have gone through and unfortunately from someone who you should be able to trust fully.

 

The best thing for you is to continue your life with your three children, with very limited or no contact with your family. I worry that your Father will bring on abuse with your innocent children.

 

I know it is hard to do this without family support, but you are all better off in the long run.

 

Yes, it is really hard without family. I guess I wanted to try because all around me everyone is asking me about my family- where they are, are they coming to visit. I am constantly reminded of them whether I think about them or not.

 

I do closely watch my father when around my kids. I have made it very clear to him and I know he understood me that I am watching him and that he is in this country thanks to me. His status here is completely tied to mine and I told him that should he do anything wrong, I will report him and he will be sent back. I have put a lot of distance between us.

 

When I spoke to the therapist on the phone today, she mentioned that she works with Greeks and it is a very sweep the bad under the rug type culture. Same with Bulgarians.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...