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Bringing up trust issues at the start of a new relationship? My situation...


cmpatable

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Haven't been on these boards since my last break up a couple years ago, and here I am about to begin a new relationship with feelings from the last relationship bombarding me by surprise. I forgot what this felt like... the overwhelming feeling of strongly caring for someone mixed with the dreadful idea of it all coming down to the same fate. Being emotionally/physically cheated on.

 

I started talking to this new girl about 8 months ago as she was on the way out of her last relationship. Although she had a boyfriend I texted her one night telling her that I had a crush on her and she reciprocated those feelings. From there we started to hangout with our mutual friends. We got very close to kissing a couple nights although I'm not the sort of guy to push someone so I held back until they broke up. I feel like I could have really pushed it and who knows how far, as she didn't have much of a guard up but she broke up with her boyfriend shortly after. I do believe they were already on their way out.

 

These past 8 months we went through on and off periods where I wasn't feeling quite ready to take the leap into a serious relationship until about now. The girl is incredibly sweet, stunning, loving, conservative/shy but fun... and I have felt like it's the time to lock it down into something more serious before I lose a chance at something really great. Especially because in the time we have spent in these past 8 months, we've had a lot of fun with great chemistry in and outside of the bedroom. We have a bunch of mutual friends and a tie between families where things could solidify into something really great.

 

Now here is where I am at... my past relationship ended terribly. My ex (dated for 3 years) was emotionally cheating on me with a co-worker for 2-3 months leading up to our break. She completely played my insecurities, and lied about a guy who I found out she was sleeping with shortly after our break up and texting at the end of our relationship. My previous ex before that cheated on me as well, and constantly had other guys in her phone. These relationships absolutely destroyed me and consumed me for a good portion of my adult life. The last break up was the most devastating thing I have ever been through and I have been protecting myself from ever having to experience something like that again. I have been doing great on my own and letting someone new into my life is so difficult for me. I do not want to be consumed by the insecurities created by these past relationships and blow this. I want to be a man, and keep a clear head from the start... and maintain it.

 

Is bringing this all up to her going to scare her away? Is the way the new girl left her last relationship a red flag? Should I say it all, sack up and not worry?

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Welcome back to ENA.

 

Sorry you have been cheated on more than once. Many people unfortunately have been on ENA, and it really sucks. Been there.

 

I look at it this way.

If someone cheats on you, it becomes very difficult and with some impossible to trust them again.

 

If you meet someone for the first time, I think it is fair and smart to give them 100% trust regardless of what happened to you in the past with cheating/lying. If you don't give them the trust, you are hurting yourself and what could be a great relationship. Not only that.. your insecurities will show through too. (insecurity kills some relationships)

 

In your case you are dating the new girl who essentially cheated on her last boyfriend to be with you. (directly or indirectly)

Can you give her 100% trust? For me, I would give her 50% trust since "if she cheated with some other dude, what would stop her from cheating on me".

Personally, that's a red flag. I wouldn't want to start a relationship carrying the sensitivities past cheating brings with someone who has already cheated in the past,. and so recently.

Loyalty is very high on my wish list for a relationship, I'd rather stick my hand in boiling water for an hour than be cheated on again.

 

So IMO... I would move on to someone else.

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When you haven't left your baggage in the past, you will subconsciously replay it in your future, and keep choosing the same type of partner. You were devastated when your ex texted a guy she was emotionally invested in, and yet you chose to do the same thing by texting another woman who had a bf. You were unethical and your new "friend" also crossed boundaries. It seems like you're choosing the same type of woman to me, so why are you expecting different results?

 

I don't know how old you two are. If you two are very young, then maybe I'd give a pass to youthful inexperience and lessons learned. If you want to be exclusive with her, then use your brain to decide if she is a good risk for your heart. If you don't see red flags, I wouldn't bring all of your past angst into a new relationship. The only thing you can do is be the best bf you can be. There are no guarantees. Only time will tell if she'll be a good gf, and if it doesn't work out, then fate has someone else in store for you. If you're going to treat a person like they've committed a crime someone else has been guilty of, then you have more work to do on yourself before being in a relationship.

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I want to give her 100% trust, I'm honestly just lost with it. I'm already to the point where I have a lot of feelings invested into the whole situation. She essentially didn't cheat although I feel like I could have kissed her at the least if I wanted to during the time. She assured me that her on her bf were on their way out and when they broke up it wasn't for me, but for herself. Although was pretty quick to sleep with me afterwards. I'm really close with her best girlfriends so they were very supportive of the decisions. I could bring it all up but this was last summer and I risk revealing my deepest insecurities and starting this out on a bad foot.

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When you haven't left your baggage in the past, you will subconsciously replay it in your future, and keep choosing the same type of partner. You were devastated when your ex texted a guy she was emotionally invested in, and yet you chose to do the same thing by texting another woman who had a bf. You were unethical and your new "friend" also crossed boundaries. It seems like you're choosing the same type of woman to me, so why are you expecting different results?

 

I don't know how old you two are. If you two are very young, then maybe I'd give a pass to youthful inexperience and lessons learned. If you want to be exclusive with her, then use your brain to decide if she is a good risk for your heart. If you don't see red flags, I wouldn't bring all of your past angst into a new relationship. The only thing you can do is be the best bf you can be. There are no guarantees. Only time will tell if she'll be a good gf, and if it doesn't work out, then fate has someone else in store for you. If you're going to treat a person like they've committed a crime someone else has been guilty of, then you have more work to do on yourself before being in a relationship.

 

Thank you... 25 yo. going on 26 soon. I guess relatively young... hate to think I'm still in for learning lessons in relationships.

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Hmmmm.... yeah... are YOU ready....?

 

What first concerns me.. is how she was emotionally leaning your way, with fact she was still involved...

And then you admitting your past damages.. and feeling 'uncertain' about all of this.

 

Im thinking you might be good for some prof help.. therapy to work on YOUR insecurities- as things like this can affect your relationship.

AND- what about HER? Do you think she isn't exactly ready yet either? Going one guy to another..? ( not sure how long they were involved for?)... but it's healthy to have some decent down-time between relationships.

 

I am not going to suggest you actually discuss all of your issue's with her... not sure that's going to do much good?

But more the fact, that you really should consider backing out of getting involved and working on YOU.

Nothing wrong with being on your own to work yourself out.. and get mentally & emotionally healthy again.

 

And Im afraid she might end up hurting you too.. should this just be some sort of 'rebound'.. as you were right there for her as she pushed the other guy away..? (rebounds sting)..

 

Anyways- sure is something to think about.. like are you both involved for the right reasons? Are you actually ready for this?.. or just insecure.. lonely? Dont get involved for these reasons.

 

Always best to get involved when you know your in your right mind... and read to 'give whole-hearted'.

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Thank you... 25 yo. going on 26 soon. I guess relatively young... hate to think I'm still in for learning lessons in relationships.

 

I'm in my 40's... still learning. But, I know sooo much more nowadays. So aware of all the fake crap, users, abusers, and red flags... so.. Im much more 'in tune'.

 

Like I say.. Life is an experience!

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Why were yo on/off for 8 mos? What do you mean by lock down? Exclusive dating? gf/bf labels?

 

You should get over your baggage yourself, not dump TMI into a new relationship. She's not a therapist and all it will accomplish is her thinking: "Red Flags!".

 

You don't enter a new situation with a truckload of "I'm still hurting/damaged" disclaimers. If that's the case, don't date.

 

See how this works and if you two are on the same page.

These past 8 months we went through on and off periods where I wasn't feeling quite ready to take the leap into a serious relationship until about now. I have been doing great on my own and letting someone new into my life is so difficult for me.Is bringing this all up to her going to scare her away?
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Thank you... 25 yo. going on 26 soon. I guess relatively young... hate to think I'm still in for learning lessons in relationships.

 

You learn lessons in relationships until you die.

 

Like the others said are YOU ready? Maybe not. And don't forget she cheated with you.

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Why were yo on/off for 8 mos? What do you mean by lock down? Exclusive dating? gf/bf labels?

 

You should get over your baggage yourself, not dump TMI into a new relationship. She's not a therapist and all it will accomplish is her thinking: "Red Flags!".

 

You don't enter a new situation with a truckload of "I'm still hurting/damaged" disclaimers. If that's the case, don't date.

 

See how this works and if you two are on the same page.

 

On/Off because I wanted to make sure I'm ready, and I came to realize that my feelings are strong enough for this girl that I'm going to have some strong regrets if I don't give it the chance I think it deserves. By locking it down I mean put labels on what we have and open myself up to her more.

 

I have this idea that the only way for me to deal with any leftover baggage is to give things a chance and prove to myself that I can be strong enough to face a bit of adversity and remain confident... If things don't go the way I'd like them, then not to allow myself to be destroyed with the relationship. Continue to grow as I have been in my couple years off being single. It's a struggle to maintain the mindset, but just because her last relationship didn't pan out I guess doesn't mean she's guaranteed to treat ours the same. After all I do find her to be a very genuine sweet person... Just weighing the risk. If i got for it It sounds like I just have to go in without revealing any of this because it's a self sabotaging mindset. Part of me just wishes to bring up how we began and to let her know it's something I'd never tolerate.

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I did, and I initiated it to. didn't even cross my mind at the time because it started out as just a careless hook up attempt. I had direct insight into how the type of infidelity comes about and I don't enjoy thinking about it.... I guess this all comes down to if I'm willing to take the risk and weigh in my specific circumstances that I won't bore you guys with

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It kind of boggles my mind that you've got all these trust issues about your ex emotionally cheating on you with someone else, and yet that's what you yourself did with this girl (and even came close to physically cheating with her) 8 months ago.

 

Don't get me wrong, I had issues with it at the time and even mentioned it. I never acted upon any of it other then sending out a text. Never kissed her, never pushed her into anything and made sure with her that the reasoning behind the break up was not me. She assured me it was a long time coming.

 

What can I say other than I've never been in that position and I'm a guy learning from his mistakes.

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The only thing that is going to heal your insecurities is time. It doesn't sound like you're ready for a serious relationship.

 

I honestly feel like if you're meant to have a shot with this girl, you will both make sure it happens in the future. Don't get into something just because you think she's a good one. You can't give her what she wants or needs if you can't even convince yourself that you're ready.

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Appreciate the thought. Whatever is going on between us has been going slow and she has been completely okay with it. I feel ready, but I definitely have my moments that I have learned to deal with. I think the initial impact of this all is just stirring up some unexpected feelings and I'm adjusting. She has been focussing on herself and very patient and willing to give it whatever time it needs since the day this all began. I really admire it... She's in no rush or has no expectations, but just genuinely likes being around me. If I'm not ready now I don't know what's ever going to make me ready. She seems like somebody I could grow with and I get really happy thinking about it. Being open about the things I've talked about in this thread would make it easier but I don't think it's essential if it's going to start things off on the wrong foot. That is where it comes down to me keeping focussed and reassuring myself that I need to also keep the confidence in myself.

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Well, I wish you well...

I'm sure this is all just 'new'.. between you two.. so, yeah, good idea to take it easy.

 

If things are moving too fast, be cautious. (red flags).

 

One thing is if the idea or moving in together.. big future w/ kids etc is mentioned first few months... that's jumping a bit too fast.

As you are trying to see IF you're even 'compatible'. Get thru the first year? That's good!

 

Either way, in time, you'll both come to see whether it's possible or not.

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Well, I wish you well...

I'm sure this is all just 'new'.. between you two.. so, yeah, good idea to take it easy.

 

If things are moving too fast, be cautious. (red flags).

 

One thing is if the idea or moving in together.. big future w/ kids etc is mentioned first few months... that's jumping a bit too fast.

As you are trying to see IF you're even 'compatible'. Get thru the first year? That's good!

 

Either way, in time, you'll both come to see whether it's possible or not.

 

Thank you, really appreciate the help and thoughts. We share a lot of the same very close friends, so her breaking up with her college boyfriend was sort of her reintroduction to a group of people that will be together for a long time to come. Definitely would be a couple years at least before any big future talk would even come into play so no worries there lol. I think we are a good addition to each others lives at least for the time being and it's something we both want to see through. Maybe in a few years I'll look back and be grateful for the decision to give it a chance... I'm going to do everything I can to keep my mind clear on my own. I don't think anyone can say for sure the reasoning she responded to me initially while she had a boyfriend, and if it will me my fate. Life's about risk right. Pain = growth. So either way I come out alive. I'll have to re-visit this thread.

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