My husband changed

My husband changed from being a logically sound, understanding and compassionate person to one that lies, deceived and was at one point until the recent past, abusive until when he was put on medication. Now he acts shallow, entitled, callous and no longer present as a husband or father. He used to make me feel special and important to him and he couldn't keep his hands off of me. Now he just doesn't even seem interested in being I the relationship despite the fact that he says that he wants to fix it. He says that the reason he got this way is because I doubt him. I tell him I wouldn't doubt him if he wasn't acting like a complete jerk. He refuses to take the initiative to fix anything simply because he feels like I am criticizing him instead of trying to point out changes in character traits. I have watched him throw away a lot of things that were important and he spent most of his life earning over, to be honest, I don't know why. If I did I wouldn't be here asking for advice. Should I give him any more of my time and effort?

I've been watching this happen to him for the last three years and I am getting really weary and tired. I would like some opinions to help me come to a more informed decision. Thank you all kindly in advance for taking the time out of your day to read and respond if any of you do.

Maybe he is taking illegal drugs? If he has such an abrupt personality change maybe it's drugs .

Maybe he is taking illegal drugs? If he has such an abrupt personality change maybe it's drugs .

This is my thought too.

It may help to learn more details. OP, are there physical changes as well? Different friends? Change in work successes? Spending habits? Phone habits?

It sounds like he has well and truly fallen off the path on which he was travelling. You mention that he went on medication which has further changed his behaviour and I'm guessing that this was some kind of antidepressant or perhaps a mood stabiliser? If so then the medication could be partly responsible for the mood shift, deadening his emotions.

It would be interesting to know whether the problems that he has, or had, predate you and him being together. Some people who seem perfect in the beginning and then change were actually never perfect to begin with. What you saw in the beginning might well have been an illusion, him feeding off the high of a new relationship. What he then turned into might actually have been his long term default, a depressed/unstable person.

Either way, you are now stuck in a rut. You want him to change, he says the right things but does nothing. You make suggestions, he takes them as criticism and goes into a strop. Basically your relationship is like that of parent and child. I would bet that you do a lot for him as he does little to nothing for you or himself. I could be wrong with that but it would be my guess. You are quite probably feeling more like his carer than his partner.

He has to realise that things need to change. He will likely only realise that when you force his hand. If you aren't prepared to demand change then change is not likely to happen. In order to demand change you have to be prepared to walk away if he refuses to participate. You have a life to live, you want a partner and not a child. He has to understand that doing nothing will fix nothing and that is not acceptable to you anymore. If he wants you then he is going to have to start fighting for that. If he wants to wallow in self pity then he has that choice but he can do it on his own.

Such an abrupt personality change suggests mental illness, a unfavourable reaction to prescription drugs, or illegal drugs... you need to find out which...

Maybe he is taking illegal drugs? If he has such an abrupt personality change maybe it's drugs .

I asked he denied and wound up in a program where they regularly test and he gets ransomed at work too, so it would be hard for him to get away with something like that.

This is my thought too.

 

It may help to learn more details. OP, are there physical changes as well? Different friends? Change in work successes? Spending habits? Phone habits?

Yes he has a very guarded personality now. Doesn't care about anything as far as successes go even canceled Christmas last year. We are now super broke as well.

You said he was put on medications - for what?

It has happened over 3 years. Maybe he's unhappy in the relationship? How long have you been together? I know once the mental abuse started in my last relationship I eventually became a different person who I didn't like.

I think he's unhappy personally but he says he's not and after he says that he'll go into a rampage of anger that same day and blame me for all of his problems and not the fact that he has changed as well as his perspective on life. He was so accomplished before and now he's just on a downward spiral and I don't know what else to do. He's lost his adult sense of logic and acts like a teenager when he's confronted about it. So I have no idea what is going on in his head because everyday he's back and forth on whether he wants to fix it or end it. He'll try for a day or two and then throw away all of our progress over stupid arguments that he blows out of proportion and takes it to the extreme. He's on meds for his anger (which didn't exist until we got out of the military) we were fine for 6 months until he lied to me about being at work when he wasn't. I accepted his explanation and said that it was ok and I understood that but I couldn't trust him because he lied in general about the incident so it made me skeptical about his intentions. He refuses to accept that I have an issue believing anything he says due to that fact. He says it's my issue and I need to work it out. I say he is wrong because he's the one who did something that betrayed my trust and that he's out of his damn mind for expecting me to just trust and believe in him when he's been shady for the last three years. Am I wrong? Am I being unreasonable? Am I being fair to myself? At one point he was even physically abusing me and that was something we were trained to view as unacceptable and he did it multiple times. Now I know PTSD exists, I know that past trauma can exist due to his past and mine but I am trying to make sure that I'm not being used, manipulated or a fool. Thank you

What is he in a program for?

I asked he denied and wound up in a program where they regularly test

Leave him. He sounds like a jerk even to your children. You all could be a lot better off. Life's to short to live in misery. I too am working to better my situation. You did not list one redeeming quality about him, so get rid of this soul sucker and have a healthy independent life with your kids.

He is working to better himself and that's the thing, should I be patient and wait because I am starting to see somewhat of an improvement but everyone says he'll just do it again. He's my friend and I don't want to leave him hanging if he's truly in trouble. I just don't know what to do to find internal peace in the meantime due to struggles with ruminating thoughts. I don't want to mess up progress due to my personal insecurities.