No sex because of weight gain

Hi all,

I'm 25 years old dating a 36 year old. We have been together for 2 years, and overall I think we have a fantastic relationship. We want the same things out of life, have good communication, understand how the other person operates, and genuinely love each other. There is never (or very rarely) any jealousy, and we both trust each other incredibly. We don't live together, which for right now we like, but plan on moving in together in a few months. And we plan on getting married if the cards play out. We spend a healthy amount of time together, and engage in a healthy amount of fighting that always gets resolved.

The problem is.....we don't have sex anymore. In the last 9 months we have had sex twice. I want to have sex with him so much. I find him extremely attractive, and the sex we used to have was the best I've ever had. Ifor it were up to me, we would have sex 3+ times a week. He used to be the same, wanting it often, initiating it regularly, and being very satisfied and craving more. However....things have drastically changed because I've gained weight.

When we first started dating I was 125lbs. I trained (but never actually participated out of nervousness) for bikini competitions, and was a health fanatic. I loved it, and it was a huge part of my life. I had also just gotten out of a long term relationship where I was cheated on multiple times, and my confidence was pretty shattered. "If I, in my prime physical shape, was unable to keep a man interested....maybe I'm not as attractive as I thought" was my state of mind. Then I met my current boyfriend (I will call him Bill). He adored me. He thought I was so out of his league, never believed I would ever want to be with him, and was so nervous around me because he didn't want to mess anything up and cause me to leave. But I was equally attracted to him and couldn't wait to see him every day at boxing (where we met).

Unfortunately, my mother passed away 2 and a half years prior to our meeting. I had never fully dealt with the loss, and with the devastation of losing my mom as well as the compound ed grief of being cheated on, I turned to alcohol....

Bill also drank regularly. Along with being a fitness fanatic, he is also a beer connoisseur which he got me into. We began drinking often, and unfortunately I began taking that to the nth degree, turning into an alcoholic. I started gaining weight and losing the inhibition to workout as often as I had, as well as caring less about my meal prep and fitness goals. Fast forward about 7 months.....I realized this was a big problem after gaining 25lbs and hating the way I looked. I could also see the way Bill looked at me was different. He didn't want that lifestyle for me, but loved me so much he knew I would get out of it. Our sex dropped down to once a week or once every other week. Finally after a while I gained the courage to ask him "babe....are you less attracted to me because of my weight gain? Is that why we don't have sex?" He danced around it, knowing how unhappy I was myself with the extra lbs. But eventually he admitted....yes....he wasn't attracted to the lifestyle I was living, as well as the extra fat that now hung around my stomach. Of course I was devastated. But I did have to appreciate that he was honest with me. And yes, I turned back to alcohol to sooth the sadness of yet again failing to keep someone interested in me. I continued to drink for another year, starting counselling and a program for alcoholics (which I failed miserably) to work through the grief of losing my mom after a 6 year long tortuous stint of terminal cancer, aso well as being cheated on by my college sweetheart. On top of that, my father whom I had a very difficult relationship with (he was an alcoholic as well) passed away in the middle of all of this. I continued to gain weight, I continued drinking, and I continued into a deeper depression. All the while Bill stood by my side, cheering me on and telling me he KNEW I was going to beat this and get back to my old self. I knew it too, but actually doing it was 1000 times harder than any fitness competition prep.

Again, fast forward 8 months, zero sex, and 50lbs later. I am currently 200lbs. Which that does include quite a bit of muscle from my fitness, but I am very overweight. However, I'm happy to say I have achieved sobriety, successfully navigated an alcoholic program, and have begun losing weight and gaining my confidence back after lots of therapy and new depression/anxiety medication. I'm very proud of myself, and look at myself in a much better light than I have in years. However.....I am still 200lbs, and my boyfriend is still physically unattracted to me. I don't blame him, he is a fitness buff like I was, and he has body issues himself stemming from a background (past and current) of eating disorders (you name it, he suffered from it.)

While I have painted him in the perfect light, he has been no angel. He has stuck by my side, which not many would, but he was often very verbally abusive, degrading, judgemental, and critical. To say he was a trigger for my drinking would be putting it lightly. Often, "to get back at him" for the way he often criticized me, I would drink to spite him. "I'm not getting laid anyway because you think I'm fat. Might as well say it and drink more to say you!" He also has never dealt with issues from his past, or any of his eating disorders. To make a long story short, we both had our own separate issues, but my alcoholism was the scapegoat for all of OUR problems and a way for him to pin all the blame for our non existent sex life. He's always had issues with sex, his whole life, which I attribute to a distrust in women and body dismorpbic issues. Finally, I put my foot down. "I'm working my ASS off to try to be sober and work on myself as a person and you're just saying 'let me know when you're back to the woman you used to be and then you'll deserve the love I used to give you.' No more! If you want to criticize me, if you want to blame this all on me, if you want to be verbally abusive, I'm packing my bags." Behold.....the "ah-ha" moment. He broke down. "How could I have ever treated you that way? How could I do that to you? I turned my insecurities, my own hatred for my body and displaced that onto you because it was physically a visual representation of everything I hate about myself on you." And he has been a completely different person ever since. This was a couple months back. I still struggle with sobriety, which will be a lifelong battle, but I'very been sober for a few months now, and have lost a little weight.

Sorry for the long story guys, I'm almost done I promise.

The end to this saga is.....we still don't have sex. We are even in Italy right now, in one of the most beautiful and romantic cities in the world....and nothing. Not even a kiss. I don't think I can live like this anymore, or for the rest of my life with the pressure of losing all physical intimacy if my body changes after babies or with whatever may come of life. I've been open about this with him....and the bottom line always goes back to "I'm sorry babe. I love you with every ounce of my being, but I can't physically have sex with you. It just doesn't happen."

I don't know what to do. I love him so much. I love our relationship despite its ups and downs. But I can't not have sex with the man I love. Any and all advice is appreciated more than you know. Thanks in advance for your opinions and personal experience stories.

With love.

I wanna first say, that I am very sorry about your mother passing away. It must be very hard for you right now. I couldn't bare to even.imagine mine passing away. But besides all those depressing facts, this guy is a criticizing punk. He should love you the way you are no matter what, and the fact that he can't have sex with you just because you've gained weight is a jerk move. He's very judgmental and you need to leave! A guy who loves a girl unconditionally would love her for her. Not for who she used to be. He also sounds like one of those guys that expects certain chareceteristics to be able to get off. And that's wrong. What's also wrong is the fact that he's not supporting you over what happened with your mother. I mean Jesus the man can't even kiss you? Sweetheart, you can find someone way better. Get out there and prove to him that you don't need him, work on yourself and find someone who appreciates you for you no matter what. This is a very unhealthy relationship. And I'm sure you can do waaaaay better. Your beautiful inside and out. You have a while life ahead of you. Don't make yourself better just for him. He doesn't deserve you. Good luck !

I had never fully dealt with the loss, and with the devastation of losing my mom as well as the compound ed grief of being cheated on, I turned to alcohol....

...my father whom I had a very difficult relationship with (he was an alcoholic as well)

We began drinking often, and unfortunately I began taking that to the nth degree, turning into an alcoholic.

 

He also has never dealt with issues from his past, or any of his eating disorders. He's always had issues with sex, his whole life, which I attribute to a distrust in women and body dismorpbic issues.

You described a very toxic relationship. The title of your post is misleading. No sex is NOT because of weight gain. No sex is because of multiple psychological issues on both of your parts. This sounds like a relationship where you use each other to avoid your personal issues (stemming from your troubled pasts) by blaming them on to each other: You blame him for your alcoholism and intimacy issues (that imo have a lot more to do with a "difficult relationship" with an "alcoholic father" leading you to set in motion self-fulfilling prophecies of being "unable to keep a man interested") that combined with depression landed you where you are. He gets to take out his body issues on you and avoid his intimacy issues by attributing them to your weight gain. i.e. The reasons that keep this relationship going are toxic. Sadly, you are bad for each other. It would take both of you to own your personal issues (instead of blaming them on the other) and seek individual therapy to address them AND couples therapy to address the toxic interplay between the two of you. It would be very difficult to do this on your own as long as you have the other to pin your issues on, if that make sense. The relationship is toxic that way. Seeking professional counselling might worth a try, but other than that, the obvious answer is to break up and focus on fixing your personal issues so that you won't pin them onto the next guy nor pick someone who triggers them.

You need to stop blaming others for your problems. He was a trigger for your drinking so you stayed with him? That sounds like an excuse to keep drinking to me. You have low self esteem and that is up to you to fix. You can't make someone feel bad for not being attracted to you; that's nonsense. Your mother would be devastated to know you chose alcohol to deal with her passing away over using that money on a therapist. Free your boyfriend and yourself from this toxic relationship. Try remaining single until you learn how to respect yourself from deep within.

You need to stop blaming others for your problems. He was a trigger for your drinking so you stayed with him? That sounds like an excuse to keep drinking to me. You have low self esteem and that is up to you to fix. You can't make someone feel bad for not being attracted to you; that's nonsense. Your mother would be devastated to know you chose alcohol to deal with her passing away over using that money on a therapist. Free your boyfriend and yourself from this toxic relationship. Try remaining single until you learn how to respect yourself from deep within.

Not meant as a judgment. I have no idea how I'd react if my mother passed. Simply, it sounds like you need to take some time being single and tackling these issues, preferably through therapy, before you start tackling the dating scene. You have turned to alcohol for self-medication and if this guy is a frequent drinker, even if he keeps it under control, it's still a trigger for you and it's not reasonable to expect him to give up something he enjoys.

Additionally, he can be unattracted to you due to weight gain without necessarily judging your character over it. I wouldn't conflate the two. Additionally, it sounds like her drinking too much contributed to his loss of desire with her, not just the weight gain. I'm not sure a whole a lot of us would retain our sex drive if our partner was routinely drunk. And now that she's a full 200, I can very easily see his sex drive having dropped off. Instead of putting him in an awkward and defensive position by challenging him on his perception of her weight, she should have simply taken steps for her own health and lost the weight.

As far as his alleged verbal abuse goes, given no examples of it, I'll give the OP the benefit. But toxic begets toxic. Ask anyone who's lived with or intimately known an alcoholic. This could very well be a chicken or the egg situation.

In any case, the obvious reality here is this relationship is of no benefit to either party. It's time to let go and pick yourself up. With good health comes good relationships. Best of luck.

This is both of your faults OP. You both made mistakes that took away from this relationship. But the bottom line is, he is no longer physically attracted to you and you are being tortured over it.

It's not going to change and the resentment on both ends still remains. You can forgive each other, even love each other, but you cannot force physical attraction...if it's gone, it's gone.

You two need to concentrate on distancing and being friends. If you try to keep forcing a romantic relationship, you both will end up being more hurt and feeling more pressured and more pain.

It's time to end it, nothing else makes sense. And truthfully, you both deserve better.

Great responses already.

I'll just add that for any relationship to be healthy, it has to start with two healthy individuals.

You both need to work on being healthy as individuals.

He needs to stop the verbal and emotional abuse about your weight.

You need to get a handle on your alcohol problem.

This will require you both to put the work in and seek a very good therapist.

Congrats on your hard work!!!!

Has he sought therapy?

This relationship does not sound healthy, for either of you..

He is abusive and a bully. And, you need to learn how to deal with your issues, and not blame others, by turning to drink and food. I too. lost a parent, in addition to my only sibling within the past six years , and so I know about loss - We can chose how we deal with our problems. You need to take full responsibility for your addiction and issues.

End it.