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Is there hope for me?


Orbital

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Me and my girlfriend of two years had been talking about moving in together lately. We didn't actually go look at any place in person, but browsed a bit online. My Grandma had a stroke a month ago and passed away and I was very devastated, stressed out, so after my girlfriend told her apartment that she is not renewing her lease, I asked her if maybe she could see if she could renew it after all, even though she told me that she would be leaving that apartment regardless of whether or not we live together.

 

She gets mad at me and then I start telling her that I am in fact afraid to grow up, and I am only nervous about moving in because of my previous experience living with a girlfriend, which did not work out.

 

So , we don't talk over the weekend and then I try to call and text. I get nothing. I drive to her current place and she tells me how livid she was over the weekend. She was not able to renew her lease, so she had to panic and find somewhere to live. Again, she told me initially that she would leave this apartment anyway. She tells me her mom and dad are both upset with me. I tell her that had I known she went through so much trouble (if she actually communicated with me over the weekend) that i would have gone looking for places with her. I told her that I would live with her NOW and I was never officially backing out She say's that she doesn't think she can look at me the same and at this point we can't be together. She say's we both need to work on ourselves. She say's that she would "never say never". I try to tell her how sorry I am and that I love her very much.

 

I apologise to her Mom and Dad on the phone. Her Dad goes on to tell me that he thinks she just needs to some time and space as well and then everything will work out. He even mentioned some ideas for things that me and her could do to create more "positive experiences."

 

 

I have not heard from my gf since Monday, as she said she needs "space."

 

Is there any hope for me? I am completely devastated. I was thinking about sending some flowers next week without my name on it (she will know) and just continuing to back off.

 

Today is my birthday and I don't think she is even going to reach out to me.

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I can see she is very frusterated. And as a girl I would know how she feels at this point, but as far as I see how things are with you and her right now? I think she's just overwhelmed with overall things. Maybe your pushing her into something she's not really looking forward to. Or maybe not even ready. Sounds like to me she's unsure, and maybe shes at that point where she wants to worry about herself. I know for a fact, that it can be very scary for you and her. The future can be very scary. And that's not your fault and she needs to see that.

 

Now I'm not trying to be negative in any way. I'm 18 myself and am thinking about moving in with my bf. But that can be very stressful knowing I have a two year lease at my place and only have 5 more months to look for another place while he moves before I do. But enough about me. I think she needs time to think and needs some space. But she's also not innocent on her part.

 

Communication is key to a relationship. She's wrong for not saying a word to you about how she feels with things. Otherwise on your side, your stuck and not sure what to do. I can tell your in love with this girl. And I'm sure you would do anything for her. But I don't think she's very uppity on the whole "moving in together" type deal. She's a lady and a very stressful one. I'd say if she doesn't come to you first after maybe a week, Or even a few more days, Then I'd be concerned. Let her make the first move.

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Okay... so you two were 'discussing' moving in together- is this a reason to act out this way by her?

Because you didn't 'read her mind' and ACT on it? C'mon!

 

You did try to explain yourself in ways, that you felt you weren't ready. That's where she NEEDS to accept that.

 

Goodness, you just lost a relative... you're suffering a loss atm.. and she is acting out this way... wow

 

Maybe its a good thing you didnt move into something like this...

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We argued a lot and I would tell her she is critical. Basically, we always had the same argument. She got sick of it, I guess.

 

Anyway, after not speaking since Monday, she texted me this morning and said, "Happy Birthday! Have a safe and blessed day."

 

She can't be THAT mad at me?

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Sounds like she's not mad enough to keep her from at least being friendly with a Happy Birthday message.

 

I will say, though, that from a woman's point of view, it can be extremely hurtful when a guy waffles about commitment. On top of being hurt, she had to panic and look for other living arrangements. Since you two were discussing moving in together, and going so far as to look at places online, I'm sure she thought that's what you wanted and that it would most likely happen. When you suddenly said you were nervous and didn't want to grow up, it sounded like rejection to her. And suddenly she was on her own, having to make plans without you. I would pissed and hurt, too.

 

She's now going to have a hard time trusting anything you say in regards to commitment, and her respect for you probably went down several notches.

 

You can try to convince her that you messed up and you do actually want this thing, but she's going to have a hard time believing you. Perhaps giving her the space she asked for is the best way to go.

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Sounds like she's not mad enough to keep her from at least being friendly with a Happy Birthday message.

 

I will say, though, that from a woman's point of view, it can be extremely hurtful when a guy waffles about commitment. On top of being hurt, she had to panic and look for other living arrangements. Since you two were discussing moving in together, and going so far as to look at places online, I'm sure she thought that's what you wanted and that it would most likely happen. When you suddenly said you were nervous and didn't want to grow up, it sounded like rejection to her. And suddenly she was on her own, having to make plans without you. I would pissed and hurt, too.

 

She's now going to have a hard time trusting anything you say in regards to commitment, and her respect for you probably went down several notches.

 

You can try to convince her that you messed up and you do actually want this thing, but she's going to have a hard time believing you. Perhaps giving her the space she asked for is the best way to go.

 

I'm gonna have flowers sent on Monday and not say anything. I miss her so much, I don't know what else to do.

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Well at least you realize what you did that was hurtful and want to fix it. I think flowers would be nice. Just a nice gesture without pushing for a response. Keep in mind that everyone is different, but if I were in her shoes, I would want to see that you're sorry and that you know you made a mistake and that you want to make it right. I'm not saying that you didn't have reasons to be nervous - I'm not sure of how bad the arguing gets, so maybe that's part of it. And I don't know how your relationship is otherwise. But if she's a good and loving girlfriend, and you just let outside issues (past situation of living with someone) make you waffle on commitment, then that isn't really fair to her. If you get a chance to talk, make sure she understands where this came from; because to a girl, when you back off the commitment, she takes it personally.

 

How old are you both?

 

I'm really sorry about your grandmother.

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Well at least you realize what you did that was hurtful and want to fix it. I think flowers would be nice. Just a nice gesture without pushing for a response. Keep in mind that everyone is different, but if I were in her shoes, I would want to see that you're sorry and that you know you made a mistake and that you want to make it right. I'm not saying that you didn't have reasons to be nervous

 

I really did break down on Monday with tears and told her how much I love her. Our arguing was normally about me misinterpreting her. We had good times too, though. Our sex life was amazing.

 

I don't know how to really do anymore right now, other than give her the space. She did say on Monday that she couldn't make any promises and "never say never". That I need to work o myself for me and she needs to do the same.

 

She is 31 and I just turned 34. Neither one of us are acting our age.

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I had my last guy do this to me, except we were long distance. He backed out at the last second, and I can't tell you how bad it hurt. He called the next day crying and upset and I could tell he felt genuinely guilty. I gave him another chance, but then he just did it again and again until I had to cut things off. Most hurtful experience of my life, and I'm still not over it. So just make sure that you mean what you say and say what you mean from here on out. I can tell that you feel really bad about it, and it sounds like you showed this to her. Unfortunately, it sounds like it made her rethink things and she now wants space. I think you're doing all that you can.

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I had my last guy do this to me, except we were long distance. He backed out at the last second, and I can't tell you how bad it hurt. He called the next day crying and upset and I could tell he felt genuinely guilty. I gave him another chance, but then he just did it again and again until I had to cut things off. Most hurtful experience of my life, and I'm still not over it. So just make sure that you mean what you say and say what you mean from here on out. I can tell that you feel really bad about it, and it sounds like you showed this to her. Unfortunately, it sounds like it made her rethink things and she now wants space. I think you're doing all that you can.

 

 

Do you think there is a good chance that I can get her back? I mean, her Dad even was acting like she just needs space right now. She's also very stressed out about her job. Apparently she was given another promotion right as all of this happened.

 

She wished me happy birthday...I was really nervous that she wouldn't even do that. But she did this morning.

 

 

 

What else can I do to show her that I love her?

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I was really angry and deeply hurt when my ex did it to me. It took him calling many times before I would even answer, and then hearing the genuine remorse in his voice over the phone as he cried and said he was sorry over and over again. I needed to hear that, because my automatic assumption when he changed his mind about me coming to live with him was that he didn't care about me and had been lying and stringing me along about living together. I needed him to keep calling and keep trying and keep apologizing until I finally believed that he meant it, and then I softened.

 

That's what worked for ME. But it sounds like your girlfriend experienced a shift in thinking when this happened, and she's now pulling way back and creating distance. From what you've said, it sounds like this is what she wants right now. Did she sign a new lease, or commit herself to living somewhere on her own? If so, then it may feel to her like the damage is done and there's no way to move forward with living together at this point, so what's the point in getting really close again.

 

I wish I knew what to tell you I know what I would want, but sometimes I wonder if I'm different from everyone else. For me, the flowers would be nice, along with a card that says "I'm so sorry for messing things up. I would do anything to fix this, but I'll respect whatever you decide. I love you." And then give her a few days to think about it. Just be real, be open, be loving, and be stable.

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Did she sign a new lease, or commit herself to living somewhere on her own? If so, then it may feel to her like the damage is done and there's no way to move forward with living together at this point, so what's the point in getting really close again.

 

Yes. She did, but still in the same city. I don't know what apartment that it will be. I want to find a way to make it up to her. I am hurting so bad. Should I send the flowers today or wait until like Monday?

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Maybe wait until Monday so that she knows you mean it rather than it being a panic reaction. I'm sorry that you're hurting. I can tell that you genuinely miss her and feel badly about this. On your other thread you said she runs from everything. She may be the type who shuts down feelings when she experiences a betrayal of trust. Maybe with a little space over the weekend, she'll soften. I would trust what her dad says about space, since he most likely knows her better than anyone.

 

Happy Birthday, btw. I know you're probably not having a good one, though, huh? At least she did text you, that was nice. And your response back was good.

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Maybe wait until Monday so that she knows you mean it rather than it being a panic reaction. I'm sorry that you're hurting. I can tell that you genuinely miss her and feel badly about this. On your other thread you said she runs from everything. She may be the type who shuts down feelings when she experiences a betrayal of trust. Maybe with a little space over the weekend, she'll soften. I would trust what her dad says about space, since he most likely knows her better than anyone.

 

Happy Birthday, btw. I know you're probably not having a good one, though, huh? At least she did text you, that was nice. And your response back was good.

 

Thank you. Yeah, I have faith that her Dad knows. I'm sure she knows that I spoke with him an apologized. That probably made her feel a little better about me to know that I am man enough to do that.

 

She knows I am going to a bachelor party tonight and I don't want her to think that I am out looking for something or talking to other girls. I am definitely not. I can't imagine being with anyone else.

 

The wedding that I will be in Sunday is ridiculous and it bothered her that she couldn't come. The people having it are cheap and said we couldn't bring guests! And I am a groomsman. I didn't know that until after I agreed to be in it. I am about to be done with a lot of people.

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If it were me (and again, sometimes I get the feeling that I'm different from others in a lot of ways, because my advice here on these threads often doesn't match up with the majority of what everyone else says - then again, there is a large majority here that jumps right to suggesting 100% space and NC, and I'm not sure that's always the best way to go, because every situation is different).... so with that in mind, make your own decision, but if I were her, I think it would be nice to receive a text while you're at the bachelor party saying something like "Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you, and I miss you. Hope you're having a good night." Then she'll know that you're not hooking up with someone else, and she'll know you care. The text isn't full of pressure, because you're not asking for a response - just letting her know you're thinking of her. Since the wedding was an issue for her, this might show that you're thinking of her feelings.

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If it were me (and again, sometimes I get the feeling that I'm different from others in a lot of ways, because my advice here on these threads often doesn't match up with the majority of what everyone else says - then again, there is a large majority here that jumps right to suggesting 100% space and NC, and I'm not sure that's always the best way to go, because every situation is different).... so with that in mind, make your own decision, but if I were her, I think it would be nice to receive a text while you're at the bachelor party saying something like "Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you, and I miss you. Hope you're having a good night." Then she'll know that you're not hooking up with someone else, and she'll know you care. The text isn't full of pressure, because you're not asking for a response - just letting her know you're thinking of her. Since the wedding was an issue for her, this might show that you're thinking of her feelings.

 

 

Knowing the old her (prior to this situation), I know she would really appreciate that when we had a fight. I'm not sure, it sounds like a good idea. I am just worried about her not even responding and how it will make me feel.

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Knowing the old her (prior to this situation), I know she would really appreciate that when we had a fight. I'm not sure, it sounds like a good idea. I am just worried about her not even responding and how it will make me feel.

 

I completely understand that fear. If you do text, I would not expect a response. Don't let it send you into a panic if she doesn't text back. Remind yourself that she did send an uninitiated bday text this morning. If she doesn't respond, it doesn't mean that she didn't appreciate it. She may be acting distant to make sure you know what you did was wrong in her eyes, or she may be taking space to think, or something of that sort (IF she doesn't respond). Just text it and leave it, don't send any follow up, don't show any reaction. You just have to gear yourself up before sending it that you'll be okay if she doesn't reply. I had to do that a lot with my ex who often didn't respond for whatever reason. If you don't think you can handle no reply, though, don't send it.

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it doesn't mean that she didn't appreciate it. She may be acting distant to make sure you know what you did was wrong in her eyes

 

Well, she actually did tell me on Monday that if she just told me we can forget it right away that it would make me think it's ok to act that way, so you're right. I hope she can get past it at some point though.

 

Why do you think she even bothered to text me happy birthday?

 

I feel like it's at least somewhat of a good sign. I'm being hopeful.

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Today is my birthday and I don't think she is even going to reach out to me.

 

Aw

 

Happy Birthday

 

I understand her frustration, but it's foolish of her to stop talking to you as a result. It's during times like these that communication is most important. How else can you work things out? If she can't communicate effectively, maybe you should reconsider signing a lease with her.

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Well, she actually did tell me on Monday that if she just told me we can forget it right away that it would make me think it's ok to act that way, so you're right. I hope she can get past it at some point though.

 

I don't understand this. Why it necessary for her to punish you into learning? You're not an animal. Why can't the two of you just have a discussion about it?

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I don't understand this. Why it necessary for her to punish you into learning? You're not an animal. Why can't the two of you just have a discussion about it?

 

Me accusing of her acting a certain way like insensitive or stuck up. She thinks I am being verbally abusive I guess? The arguing that we go through sometimes. She thinks I have esteem issues that I need to work on and that is why I will sometimes "misinterpret" her.

 

 

Her Mom just sent me a text of Happy Birthday, so I guess that is good too? Her Mom stated earlier in the week via email that she was very disappointed with me.

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Look up and kiss the sky that you didn't get hustled into moving in together simply because her lease was expiring.

 

Wow her mom did this. You dodged a bullet you know, right?

Me accusing of her acting a certain way like insensitive or stuck up. She thinks I am being verbally abusive I guess? The arguing that we go through sometimes. She thinks I have esteem issues that I need to work on and that is why I will sometimes "misinterpret" her. Her Mom stated earlier in the week via email that she was very disappointed with me.
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Me accusing of her acting a certain way like insensitive or stuck up. She thinks I am being verbally abusive I guess? The arguing that we go through sometimes. She thinks I have esteem issues that I need to work on and that is why I will sometimes "misinterpret" her.

 

I understand that. But you are equals, are you not? This is something that you can discuss. Or is she a position of authority where it's her role to 'teach' you your lessons?

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