Boyfriend of 6.5 years put his hands around my throat during argument

So me and my boyfriend are 21/22 years old. We've been dating for 6 1/2 years and have been long distance for half of the relationship. We met in middle school and started dating in high school and have been together since. I recently flew to visit him during my university's spring break. The night before I was supposed to leave and fly back home we got into a heated argument in his room. Many of our arguments get very heated because we're both passionate, stubborn and hard headed people when we get upset. When we're not wound up we're both extremely loving, kind and caring individuals. But he was sitting on his bed with his back against the wall and I was standing at the foot of the bed. As we got more heated I started to cry because that's what I usually do when I'm upset. I eventually made my way onto the bed and I'm sort of kneeling in front of him. He then says something that really gets to me and out of frustration I sort of swat me hand in front of me and onto the bed. Sort of like a slap to the bed in a way. And before I know it he jumps up faster than I've ever seen and grabs me by the throat with both hands. It was so shocked that I froze and my eyes were huge. It was all so fast and he only grabbed for me a couple seconds before letting go. The grasp was pretty firm but not choking me. He held the grasp for maybe 3 seconds before letting go.

I'm just so confused as to what to think of this. Is this a deal breaker? We've been together for almost 7 years and though we both get angry and upset with each other, he is a very kind and caring guy with a huge heart. Always saying yes ma'am and no sir to people, always helping people out with groceries, always opens the car door for me, etc. What would you do in my situation?

The thing that has me the most upset is what happened after the incident. After first he blamed me saying he reacted because he thought I was trying to hit him. Then it went to complete remorse and regret. The next morning he cried his eyes out saying he's never felt more ashamed of himself. But now, a few days later, I mentioned the incident again.. and again he says I "caused him to jump like that" and that to "pin it all on him is the craziest thing ever" and to "not act like you're going to swing at someone and expect them not to react".

But I keep telling him that his response to the situation didn't make sense. I didn't come into any physical contact with him whatsoever. So I don't see why he felt the need to grab me. And if he really did think I was trying to hit him, wouldn't he either try and block himself by throwing up his hands? Or duck away? Or just grab my arms/hands to stop me? I'm tiny and he's about 6'3" and a strong guy. So I just feel like his reasoning doesn't make much sense.

Please tell me your honest opinions! It would really help so much.

Yes it's a deal breaker. He only apologized because his family friends told him you could press charges for assault, then he went back and says you made him do it. In many states choking or obstruction of breathing is a felony.

It's amazing you are with this guy. You need an education in red flags for abusive relationships and stop worrying about "he opens car doors".

Most abusers do what they do behind closed door with a facade of mr nice guy. Would he have done that in front of people? No? Why? It's a crime and he knows it.

grabs me by the throat with both hands. He held the grasp for maybe 3 seconds before letting go.

Yup. Please never see him again.

Agree. This was not a spat that sorta got physical.

Yup. Please never see him again.

"As of November 2014, 44 U.S. states, the District of Columbia, the federal government and two territories have some form of strangulation or impeding breathing statute. Twenty-three states and one territory have enacted legislation making strangulation a felony. One state legislature, Utah, passed a joint resolution which made legislative findings that can help prosecutors apply existing assault statutes with a special emphasis on non-fatal strangulation assaults. In 2013, Congress re-authorized the Violence Against Women Act and added, for the first time, strangulation and suffocation as a specific federal felony."

Yes, it's a dealbreaker and yes you need to leave him, because he will do it again. Not would he, but when will he. And his minimizing it and telling you it's your fault shows that he does not intend to stop it.

It's time to walk away. Of all the danger signals in abuse, putting one's hands around the throat is one of the biggest. If he thought you were going to hit him then he would have pushed you or maybe grabbed you, but putting his hands around your throat? Yes, that signals something much, much darker. He can cry all he wants, but he needs to get into therapy ASAP.

I can't believe this is the first red flag you've seen, so you need to stop and take serious inventory of how his behaviors have been all this time, not just to you but others in all aspects of his life.

As to the polite to others, big deal. Most abusers can and are very charming and wonderful to people in public. So was Ted Bundy. Just because he can mimic being a good person does not mean he's a good person. It's easy to be polite to a stranger or helpful, it can also be manipulative in that one is building harmless façade to hide what they really are.

In his case putting his hands around someone's neck cancels out him helping someone with their groceries. It just tells me he might use that ruse to later target someone or that it's a manipulation, not a genuine desire to help. Remember, Ted Bundy was also charming and polite and soft spoken, but he still tortured and killed women and girls every chance he got.

Call this hotline, speak to someone, make an exit plan. Because next time he might not be able to stop himself. Violence is also addictive and it sounds like now that he's worked his way up to putting his hands on you, and then playing at a range of emotions only to swing back to "you asked for it" instead of being scared for himself and running for a therapist I can predict he will do this again. Or worse.

Your life is in danger whether you want to admit it or not. All you can do is leave or get him out of the house, with others present please, don't try to do that just you two alone. And yes, you really should think about filing a police report while you're at it. Safety Alert: Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Normal people get angry, they have fights, yes. BUT normal people do not put their hands around another person's throat. EVER! Who would even think about doing that? Someone who has the idea of hurting or killing someone, that's who. Even in self-defense the normal go-to isn't to start strangling someone to stop them. Think about it. Don't care if it was just for a second or two. This is just the beginning, next time he will go longer. And if he really loses control he very well may not stop.

In your situation, which I was in although in my case the guy hit me after we were together two years, I would leave and not look back. In my case I did leave and later pressed charges when he stalked me, but there was no way I was ever going back. I worked in a women's shelter/clinic for 16 years. That saying, If they hit/put their hands on you once, they will again so leave, is absolutely 100 percent true. There is no going back from this.

I doubt you're going to leave him after this incidence of violence on both of your parts and being together for 10 years so I'm going to advise you to get yourself to the proper help so that you can continue on in your relationship and learn how to communicate with one another so that crappy relating like you two do, doesn't happen again and thereby escalate into physical harm to either of you as a habit.

There are couples counselors and anger management classes that the two of you should be attending to guide you off of the track you are both speeding toward. If he won't go with you then YES, LEAVE him now. Look into joining both the counselling and the anger management and communication classes If you leave him and still don't know how to curb your "passion" then you may just end up on the same track yet again with someone new. Hopefully he will want to join you in these ventures but if not, then get out.

Him putting his hands around your throat means at some point you are going to DIE. Forensic psychologists have studied the types of abuse and it is a marker for death. Leave and never go back ever .

And people getting into arguments and yelling and screaming because they are "passionate " is not a good relationship. That is not passionate it is immature and toxic. You can be a completely passionate person and not yell and scream and get wound up.

Yes, for me it is a dealbreaker AND the whole situation would be a wake up call to learn conflict management and communication skills. Learn to handle the " passionate, stubborn and hard headed" inclinations when upset. In an argument, moving closer to the other's personal space and hitting things is aggressive behavior. It does not excuse him grabbing your throat; that is on par with hitting you, which is a deal breaker. Take the opportunity to learn more about yourself and grow in communication skills and handling conflict.