Big hot mess (long, sorry)

Hi, I had been involved with a man for 18 months. We're both in our mid 40's, divorced, with kids. I had only been officially divorced (i.e., judge signed the decree) for 6 months when I met this man, and at the time, I defined what I was looking for as "somewhere between a FWB and a boyfriend." Prior to meeting this man, I had 2 FWBs while going through the very long and tedious process of my actual separation and divorce. It was a long process for me, and with kids, and a house to fight over, and logistics, etc. it was living hell. My former marriage had become extraordinarily toxic, and I was the one who finally asked for (and insisted) that we divorce. Our marriage went into freefall when I found out that he had had an affair and had been contacting women on every online dating platform in existence. I actually had to wait 6 long months before filing as I was waiting for my ex-husband to be gainfully employed again before I could file so that I could avoid paying alimony and child support. My ex was very angry, reluctant, etc. I did find solace with 2 FWBs during this whole messy period. Both I have stayed friends with to this day, one guy was going through the divorce process in parallel with me, so we provided each other with a lot of emotional support and companionship. The other was more of a fascination for me. I actually have stayed friends with both, and they both have turned out to be valuable friends.

I digress but this was my mindset when I met the man who is prompting this post. I was in a whirlwind and was going through an enormous amount of transition when I met him. I was getting rather bored with the whole FWB thing, however, I knew that I could not handle a "serious" relationship. I started looking around again and I met a guy online who interested me greatly. We exchanged emails for about a month and we had a lot of common ground, similar ethnic backgrounds, were originally from the same state (which is rare where I live). The email exchange was great. After my getting cold feet many times, we finally did meet in person, and it all took off from there. We had amazing intellectual and sexual chemistry, and I was and am still very physically attracted to him. I am still willing to stand by my statement that he is the best lover that I have ever had (and I am not a young woman, lol). His best qualities, however, are his kindness and respect. He is truly a chivalrous gentleman, feels so rare these days. I came to realize over time that this was due to the values that his mother instilled in him. When I met his only sibling/brother, his brother exhibited the same type of gentlemanly demeanor.

I am getting lost here, sorry. So, I was still rather a mess when he met me. I went through an extremely difficult financial period after the divorce, felt overwhelmed by my new single parenting reality while working full-time (and then some), etc. I have two special needs children who can be very challenging for a single parent. Heck, they were challenging when I was married. I also had the lingering conflict with my ex, however, he has finally settled down to a business-like co-parenting arrangement.

My new man always provided a supreme amount of support and despite my protests, he would do the yard work, handle the garbage, fix things, etc. At first, I was freaked out by this, because I was an "independent woman" who could do all of these things myself. He finally told me to stop protesting, because it was in his chivalrous nature to do these things, and he wanted to do it.

We had glorious times together right from the beginning. We both admitted that we felt "like family" to one another right out of the gate, with a comfort level that was extraordinary. I had a lot of issues for probably the first 8 months that we saw each other with the concept of letting myself be open again with a man due to my toxic marriage. I felt like I had to protect myself. He was patient with me, and I saw nothing but his cheerful, supportive demeanor. He had been divorced for 6 years when I met him, so he was way beyond me as far as his recovery post-divorce.

We continued in this vein for a long time. We ended up spending all of our free time (without kids) together. He ended up literally living with me when my kids were not around. That's one thing that I should mention, we never attempted to blend our children together. My ex is crazy and had already gone head first with another woman, who was spending time with my kids, and my daughter and this other woman's daughter became very close friends. Knowing my ex-husband's personality, and his proclivity for moving too fast (he did it with me too), I didn't think that it would be best for the children to introduce a man at this point. I have a daughter who is almost 13 now, and it's important for me to be selective about what she "sees" about my dating life. It's funny, because my mother was also the same with me. The only man I met while she was divorced was the man who would become her second husband, and who is today my beloved stepfather and loving grandfather to my kids. I did meet his sons on a couple of occasions, and they are great kids.

This guy also helped me through a horrific period last summer when one of my younger sisters was murdered. He immediately left work when I found out and came to my house (I work out of my house). He stayed with me for that day and the next as I was literally wandering around in shock. He also went with me to the state where my 2 sisters live, and met my family, we hung out with my surviving sister, he went with me to the site of the murder. He was a perfect gentleman.

Up to this point, there was never any talk of "love." And frankly, I wasn't in love with him. He would tell me that I was his best friend, and I felt the same way. We've both been burned by past relationships, been through marriage and divorce with kids, and are gun shy. However, by the point that we visited my family after my sister's death, I realized that I was in love with him. It was as if someone had flipped on the light switch. I was too freaked to tell him. We never really bothered to "define" what we were to one another. We just spent all of our time together, had fun together, were best friends, had tremendous sex that defies explanation. We both have a very dry and sardonic sense of humor that fed off of one another with a slew of inside jokes. We helped each other when we needed it (and single parents need this support). And, there always was underlying trust, respect, kindness, consideration. We literally never had anything close to an argument in the time that we were together. I even started to fantasize that we had some past-life connection, which I don't even believe in.

OK, so when I realized that I was in love with him, I held it in for a couple of months. I know, in retrospect, that this was a mistake. I was just so happy with the status quo, that I didn't want to disrupt the happiness that I was feeling. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and told him last November, ironically on Election Day. When I told him that I was in love with him, his response was to hug and kiss me. However, he didn't respond back that he loved me. I finally asked him if I had just hung myself by telling him that I loved him. He responded that he did feel that same way, and he had for many months, but was afraid to tell me, as I was afraid to tell him.

OK, so after that initial statement of love, we didn't discuss it again. We just kept on with our regular "schedule" of being together whenever we didn't have our kids. I honestly was OK with this, because I still have issues with opening up to the prospect of love again myself.

We continued on, happily, for a while. Eventually, he did do a major pull back. I was hurt, but I waited for him to come back and see what his response would be. He did bounce back, and went back into fervent, loving, boyfriend mode, even at another level. This lasted for a month or so. Then, he went back into his cave. This was in January. I actually, at that point, started to mourn his loss. I cried and was a mess. He came back again, but we never really went back into our happy little mode. I told him a couple times in January that I knew that I was in love with him, and he would always reply immediately back that he loved me too. But, he would never say it first. He told me at that time that he was struggling with how to take our relationship "to the next level." I never discussed living together, and we both are not interested in another marriage. I know that he has experienced a lot of loss in his life. He lost both of his parents fairly young, he and his only sibling have a distant relationship, and he told me often how much this bothered him. He told me several times that he felt as if he had no family. I would bring up that he has two sons and they are his family. He would go into major funks and withdraw around the holidays. He holed himself up in his cave for Thanksgiving alone.

In late February, he told me that he was sick, and I heard from him sporadically over the period of a week. He started texting me as if I was a friend and not his lover. No more loving texts, more factual. He has had financial issues, and his phone had been shut off from time to time. I finally tried calling him, but couldn't get through. I figured either he was avoiding me, or his phone had been shut off again. I got worried about him. I suspected the worst. I got pissed at him (for the first time) and showed up at his house one morning to get my key back. I used an excuse that I had lost my keys and needed the key that he had. I could tell that I had taken him aback. I knew he didn't believe me, but he did give me back my key. I was actually rather impersonal with him that morning. He tried to go back to his normal self, asked me when he could see me again, explained that he was now feeling better, etc. He told me that his phone was still shut off. He actually didn't look that good, so I do believe that he actually was sick. I told him that I could see him that Wednesday (this was Monday). Of course, as soon as I got back with my key, I regretted what I had done. I wanted to apologize to him. I couldn't get ahold of him that Wed. So, I got gussied up, and showed up at his house with his favorite beer. His car wasn't there, and I figured that he wasn't home. However, I saw his shadow in the bathroom, and realized that he was there. I went inside and hugged him. We did hang out that night at his house, but he never made an attempt to be physical with me, and that was a first. I ended up just sleeping with him and we held hands tightly as we fell asleep. I still was very deeply in love with him and was hoping that we could overcome whatever was bothering him.

The next morning, we chatted while having coffee as we always did. As I was about to leave, his face changed, and he started out telling me that he couldn't find a way to be "comfortable" with our situation. It took me a few minutes to realize that he was breaking up with me. I was literally in shock. Unfortunately, I really did have to leave to go to work. I couldn't move for a long time, and we ended up having a 3-hour conversation. I emailed sick into work. I had never seen his face look the way it did that morning. He told me that he couldn't see himself living comfortably at "that next level." He told me that he had been thinking about our situation endlessly while he was sick. The irony is that we had never had this conversation before about what the "next level" would be. He brought up his old girlfriend (who he told me about previously) and said that he went through the same situation with her. He said that he couldn't "handle" the emotional intimacy and "responsibility" of our relationship. I told him that I wasn't asking him for anything, and I hadn't. He told me that I should find a man who wanted "the same thing that I did." I felt at times that he wasn't even speaking about me, but someone else. I have never exerted one iota of pressure on him, except to say that I loved him, I guess. He told me that, yes, I hadn't asked him for anything, but eventually, I would. He admitted that he does really love me. I asked him if I was delusional in that I thought our connection was so significant. He said, no, I wasn't delusional. I replied, "so, we love each other, are happy, and are best friends. It's a good thing that we are ending this." One thing that he said did really get me going was that he couldn't "handle being responsible for my happiness." Whoa, I've never expected any man to be responsible for that, and he couldn't possibly do that for me anyhow. The weird thing is that while we were talking, he kept looking out the window and wouldn't face me. That was the first time he had done that with me. He told me that he couldn't offer me "anything but himself." We always danced around the issue, but I do make more money than he does. I told him that I wasn't looking for material support, and that what I wanted was him. I told him that I wasn't his ex-wife, or even his former girlfriend. After 3 hours of going around in circles, it was futile. In shock, I finally left and went home. That was three weeks ago.

Since, I have been a literal mess. I stopped eating, couldn't sleep. I've actually lost 8 pounds. I didn't contact him at all. He still has a bunch of stuff at my house, valuable stuff to him personally. He has some of my stuff. He still does. I had to have friends stay with me as I was so despondent. The most shocking part to me was losing his friendship. Parenting was almost impossible, as was work. Obsessive thoughts took over. Was there another woman? Endless analyzing. Hoping that he made a mistake and would come back. I was and am still in love with him. I even went to an online psychic site and spent hundreds of dollars asking endless questions of several different psychics. I wrote him my first and only love letter and slipped it into a beloved photography book of his childhood that I have. This is literally the worst breakup I have experienced.

To assuage my pain, I put up an online ad. Short term ego boost. I know it's completely wrong and is illustrative of my emotional immaturity. Then, of course, I meet a guy who is rather stunningly impressive. Successful, good looking, my age, emotionally available, pursuing me, wanting something serious. I told him that I had recently broken up with this other guy. He told me that he wanted to call my former lover and thank him. We've gone out 3 times on regular "grown up" dates. We've only made out so far, and it's hot. Lots of PDAs. I do really like this guy, in fact, I was intimated by him at first. I am white collar, etc. but this guy is more successful than I am, by far. Meanwhile, I am still obsessing over my former love, who is nowhere near as "impressive" as this new guy is. Now, I've got a mess on my hands. My mother actually congratulated me that I had met someone new so soon. It's wrong, I know it.

So, then, I became angry with my former love. I called him, left a voicemail, asking him to come and get his things. One of his things is rather large and is stored in my basement and I don't feel like moving it. That was Monday of this week. That was the first time that I had contacted him. He texted me back and asked when he should come by. I gave him two days this week, but he never responded. I texted him again and asked him specifically for something of mine back that I really do need. He finally texted me last night that he could come by today at anytime to exchange items. I then fell into a panic. I then realized that I didn't want to give back his things, as it is still a connection to him. I made up an excuse this morning as to why I couldn't do it today. He replied that he would drop off the one thing that I do need, and would leave it inside my front door. We haven't followed up on him getting his stuff out of here. I don't plan on contacting him again. I can't handle seeing him.

I am still a mess. Barely eating, sleeping is tough. Focusing on work is tough. I've started smoking again. Ugh. I just want to crawl into bed indefinitely. I think that finally, that I need to grow up. I still can't believe that it's really over between us.

Thank you for reading my novel. Any insight is greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry this has happened. Still wondering what his overall issue was obviously some $$$ but it didn't sound like you cared. Maybe he's to proud? Or just scared to put a label on things? I know it hurts but I'd throw dating in hold till you can get over all this. Running into someone else just masks things and isn't fair to the new person. Good luck