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Thread: Need advice about boyfriend's crazy ex-wife!!

  1. #1

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    Need advice about boyfriend's crazy ex-wife!!

    I am really hoping somebody can help me on here..I need some advice.

    My boyfriend and I have lived together for the last 6 months, and his youngest son, 14, stays with us full-time by choice. (The parents have joint custody, but he doesn't like to stay at his mom's). His son has some learning disabilities, and has been diagnosed with ADD and Dyslexia. Prior to me moving in, he was failing in school.

    My boyfriend runs his own company, is extremely busy, and to be honest, didn't do well in school in general. He asked me to intervene and help his son with his homework, and to email his teachers and see what we could do about extra credit.

    I emailed all of his teachers and explained I was his father's girlfriend, and that he lives with us. I also courtesy-copied my boyfriend on the emails so that the teachers wouldn't question who I was. After working on some extra credit projects and helping him with his homework, his grades went up and he even received an award in his math class for it.

    Last night, his mother attended parent-teacher conferences. While at the conferences, the teachers told her that I had been helping her son a lot, emailing them, and his grades had gone up significantly. That set her off into a blind rage. I am not sure of what happened at the school, but she showed up to our house immediately afterword and tried to beat the door down on her son to get to me. My boyfriend was on his way back from a job that was 45 min away, and we were alone.

    After her son wouldn't let her in the house, she put her newborn baby in her car seat, and backed down the driveway. We thought she was leaving but she gassed the car and started heading for my truck at 50-60 MPH. When she hit the curb, the car was directed toward my boyfriend's work van and she drove directly into it, totaling her vehicle. She moved the van, which weighs about a ton, 3 feet and deployed the airbag.

    After this, she removed her baby from the backseat..she was screaming and crying at that point. I wanted to call the cops but her son kept begging me not to, so I didn't. She ended up walking to her friend's house up the street and staying there while she called a tow truck. When my boyfriend got home, he took photos of everything and we left the house while she had the tow truck pick the car up.


    At this point, we are at a loss on what to do. I feel at the very minimum, I should file for a restraining order. I get off work earlier than my boyfriend, and I am usually there alone with his son for a few hours after work. I do not feel safe knowing that she is not in her right mind if she could do that with her baby in the back seat!! At the same time, if a restraining order is filed, I will not be able to go to sporting events or anything the kids have if she is there. I have never filed for a restraining order, but it looks like I would have to go to a court hearing for it. Her son does not want to be dragged into it, but at the same time feels that it is necessary. I'm not sure how I can go to a court hearing and explain my reasoning for the restraining order while leaving the kids out of it.

    I am also getting frustrated because my boyfriend is not really doing anything about it. I feel that something needs to be done, and I don't feel safe there. Does anyone have any advice they can give me? Talking to her is not going to resolve the issue..from my understanding based on what my boyfriend and both of his sons have told me, she is a completely irrational person and will not let you speak..I believe that after last night!

    I haven't had any other incidents with her before this other than at a lacrosse game for his oldest son. It was the first time she saw him with me, and when he walked out to go to the restroom, she followed him. She started to scream and yell at him and hit him in his chest in front of everyone...he was so humiliated! I have not gone to a game since, because I am afraid of her making another scene like that in front of the boys and their friends. I have not done anything to make her hate me like this..it seems she is extremely jealous and just seeing me or hearing about me sets her off into a rage because of it. I honestly don't understand any of it...she has been divorced for 4 years, and got remarried 2 years ago. My boyfriend had another serious relationship before me, but she never did anything like this. The kids hated the woman he was dating though, and they stayed with her most of the time because of it. I have thought about trying to talk to her, but my boyfriend and the kids don't think it's a good idea because she will probably just start trying to hit me.

    What can I do??

  2. #2
    Platinum Member happyfrank's Avatar
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    I would breakup with him. He is a terrible dad if he passes on his duties to somebody else. Family comes first. He should put the time to teach his son.

    Shows what kinda person he is. The mother is upset because a stranger is teaching her kid and not the father.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    Personally, I would be gone. And I know that that's giving in and letting her 'win'..but so be it.

    That's just all too much and if your boyfriend is not as angry and concerned about this as you are...well, this is going to continue.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Moontiger's Avatar
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    Ok, there is a lot here to unpack. So I'm just going to go down the list.

    1) you are living with your bf after just 6 months? Generally not a good idea.

    2) you've basically taken on a major parenting role, which while kind pans showing results (him doing better in school) in not appropriate this soon in a relationship.

    3) the ex does sound like she has some issue.

    4) you let a child talk you out of calling the police. I question your over all judgement because of this. You don't let children make adult decisions. Your not his friend, you are an adult who has to make the hard choice.

    5) yes you should file a restraining order and report this incident to the police. Additionally it should be reported to CPS since her baby could have seriously been hurt.


    This is going to be harsh: every adult in this is making huge mistakes. Your boyfriend needs to be a more engaged parent, you should not have taken on a parenting roles so soon in the relationship, and the ex needs major help.

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  6. #5
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    Considering she endangered the lives of her baby and, and is showing you how violent she can be, is there a reason why the dad isn't petitioning for full custody?

    She should be thanking you, but instead thinks you are trying to replace her as a mom. But she is in fact crazy. You need to file a report with the police.

    Remember, calling the cops and filing a report is not the same thing as having her arrested or pressing charges. The cops will have her leave the property. Had to do it three times for my crazy mother in law, so I know what's like to try to hide when a person is essentially stalking you. I am not sure how long you've been dating, or how invested you are in the relationship, but I'd file a report with the police - you'll need to for insurance anyway, and start writing down every incident or keeping record of every communication to protect yourself. Then, have a long talk that you worry about the safety of his son. Don't make it about it. Make it about the kids, and they snap right to it.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    I think she moved in with him 6 months ago but the relationship is longer than that.....I hope

  8. #7
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I emailed all of his teachers and explained I was his father's girlfriend, and that he lives with us. I also courtesy-copied my boyfriend on the emails so that the teachers wouldn't question who I was.
    ^
    I'm sorry, and I'm sure you had all good intentions. However, as his Dad's girlfriend I think you crossed the line by contacting the boys teacher, simply because this should be addressed by his parents only, (imo).

    Having said that, I can see why his mother was upset, yet she could have handled her anger in a more mature manner.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long were you dating before you moved in? All this in 6 mos? Agree your bf is lax and negligent and asking you to way overstep your role and boundaries. Stop doing that. Tell him to pay for a tutor.

    A 14 y/o should not be asked or forced to make decisions such as should we call the cops or should I get a retraining order.

    Would be best to move out. You are not safe there, your bf doesn't care and you are being treated as an unpaid nanny and tutor. Get out. Watch Fatal Attraction if you have any doubts about staying there. He, not his ex, is the problem.
    Originally Posted by JClick20
    I am also getting frustrated because my boyfriend is not really doing anything about it.

  10. #9
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    Several things:

    1. You need to file charges against this woman. She put an infant at risk of being killed, what about that do you not get? Screw the family begging you not to call the cops, she is going to kill that kid sooner or later if she keeps up the insanity. Plus yeah, she totaled your vehicle. At the least sue her or report her to her insurance company.

    2. Your boyfriend is so far out of line for asking you to be the one monitoring and helping his kid, without informing the mother and getting her okay, that it is not funny. Essentially he set you up to endure the wrath of an insane woman and it's not your job or even legally your responsibility to have ever gotten involved in the first place. If you wanted to tutor the kid privately, fine. The boyfriend could have just said his son was being tutored. End of story. The teachers and the boy's school should not have allowed it either, I'm surprised they did.

    3. Your boyfriend needs to be your ex, because he put you squarely in the crosshairs of an insane woman who was willing to kill her newborn just to get at you. What about that do you not get.

    If I were you, yes I'd be gone, and don't look back. Before this man gets you killed.

    P.S. You never let children dictate what you can or can't do. Both you and the 14-year-old let an infant child nearly be murdered, because she and that baby could have died that day. That you don't see that, and didn't immediately call the cops for that reason alone telling the 14-year-old, "Look, do you want your baby brother to die?" is really kind of alarming in and of itself. You don't let others dictate you not calling the cops, you do it, because that baby is currently and was then at serious risk.

    This situation is so nuts. You need to go to the cops, file a report, get a lawyer, and sue for damages, file a restraining order, get it documented, stop caring that people will be mad at you over something they created in the first place, and yes call Child Protective Services too. Something, anything, but get legal involved NOW. Tell your hopefully ex-boyfriend soon that if he or his ex-wife comes near you, you will file restraining orders and sue them out of the existence and you get the hell out of Dodge while you still can.

    Before you end up in an early grave. You boyfriend, frankly, is an expletive who is going to get you killed by putting you in the middle then refusing to deal with the insane person in his life who again, and I cannot believe I have to keep repeating this, was so uncaring about her own infant child's life that she willingly risked her and the baby's death, simply to get at you. He painted a target on your back, what about that don't you get?

    Over something that frankly, your boyfriend should never have asked you to do in the first place, because it is the job of the parents to handle the boy. If they wanted to hire a tutor, great. But your boyfriend set you up and is now letting you take the fall for all of this. He's a terrible person in my books and all I can tell you do to is tell him, "I'm out, goodbye. Never come near me again." And you run. TODAY.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The woman is clearly mentally ill and needs psychiatric care asap.

    You should have called 911, had police and an ambulance out. She needed to be taken away to the local hospital psych ward for proper psychiatric evaluation and treatment. All states have some kind of laws on the books that allow emergency services to force an individual into psych care if they are unhinged. Her behavior was unhinged, no question about it.

    As another poster pointed out, I'm not sure why you were allowing a 14 year old boy dictate what to do. You are the adult in the household. Of course he wouldn't want to have his mother arrested and prosecuted. She might be crazy, but she is his mother. He is certainly not of age to make hard adult decisions about his own mother. Also, see above - compromise here is reporting her as mentally unstable and requesting ambulance services to take her to the psych ward and probably what she desperately needs.

    Your boyfriend is not interested in taking on his ex wife. That's his prerogative and reason why he divorced her. If you don't feel safe, then you need to move out. I'd be careful about restraining orders as the woman is not all there and liable to have an even more violent reaction. A restraining order is just a piece of paper. It won't actually protect you from someone who is unhinged and determined to harm you, so it might actually incite her further.

    Someone who is willing to endanger their own life and the life of their newborn in order to cause harm to you is not sane. Basically, if everyone in the family is looking to stick their heads in the sand and forget this episode, I'd be walking if I were you. Like I'd move out today and be done with them all. Without family and legal intervention, she isn't going to get the mental health help that she needs and without it, she is a danger to herself and others.

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